AIBU (well, we) or is she?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

DP has 2 children from previous relationship. ExW isn't known for her ability to reason, and so here we are...

Childcare is 50/50 on a 2 week rotation with set days each week. It's been this way for a long time (more than a year) and works well for the kids and parents (90% of the time anyway!).

ExW has decided to go on holiday with her partner at short notice. She messaged DP asking him to have the children on her set days (not swap days, have them in addition to his usual days) and stated she had already booked the holiday. This would mean him having them 10 days in a row.

DP said no as 1) it's too short notice and 2) he's sorted work around his children months in advance and can't be easily changed (nature of his work means it can be incredibly difficult to arrange any swaps at short notice).

ExW isn't open to making the days up elsewhere. Just in the last 6 months, she's done this several times at short notice and it means DP or I have had the kids nearly an extra month. There's not even been so much as a thanks from her, even if it has been me picking up the extra childcare.

So, AWBU in saying no and DP finally putting his foot down at her piss taking, or is she BU constantly making plans during her childcare days/ nights and just expecting DP to rearrange his life to suit her?

So as not to drip feed, this is a woman who ran to CMS when 50/50 first started and claimed DP was only having the kids 2 nights a week. Prior to 50/50, DP had the kids between 4 and 6 nights every week and still paid her CM (more fool him, I know!).

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn I dismissed her turning up at my door with the kids and expecting them to be let in. That won't happen and she knows it.

Ok, I meant that as an example.

She's obviously just going to drop and run.

What are you going to do to prevent that?

Well she's an idiot for booking a holiday without having childcare in place! I imagine she's used to getting her own way and not hearing the word 'no' too often.
Silly woman! Out of interest, how old are the children?

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn it isn't my responsibility to prevent that. That's down to DP to prevent. ExW knows the consequences of not turning up to school to collect (it's happened before, different circumstances).

As I've already said, my DP is non contactable (as in, at all!) whilst at work and won't see any messages or calls on a mobile until 8pm. My contact details are not on file with school and cannot be provided by ExW to anyone, she simply doesn't have them.

So more fool her if she chooses to be selfish and cause her kids trauma in the name of a holiday!

@rainbowstardrops sadly I think you're right, and at times we've been guilty of saying yes for an easy life. However, it's only ever her life that gets made easy!!

Don't want to say exact ages just in case ExW is on here and puts the pieces together 🤣 but kids are year 8 and year 3.

Don't want to say exact ages just in case ExW is on here and puts the pieces together 🤣 but kids are year 8 and year 3.

So they're old enough to understand her actions. How sad for them.

I get your principle.

But it's a little foolish to think it's the reality.

She's told you she's going. She's got form for this
She's told the kids that you know. She's going to tell the school you know as well, and potentially even lie that you'll be picking them up.

When she doesn't collect them from school, the kids will say "dad is at work but knows mum's on holiday" and the school will contact him. If that takes til 8pm then all this achieves is the kids sitting around humiliated for hours that their mum has fucked off without arranging childcare, and their dad knew she wasn't going to be there, yet didn't turn up either.

Win

“Don't want to say exact ages just in case ExW is on here and puts the pieces together 🤣 but kids are year 8 and year 3.”
I’m completely on your side but have to say she will have identified herself from everything you’ve already said!

I hope she does and hears from 50 people what an utterly shit mother she is.

Those poor kids. Her behaviour is disgraceful.

It’s ALL on their mother. If she wants her children to realise she is a CNT then that’s up to her.

She’s absolutely awful.

@rainbowstardrops they sadly do understand her actions all too well!

Well duh. I think the kids know what their mum is, that's not the point.

How does "see, it was all your mum's fault" make the kids feel any better when at 7.45pm, both kids are sat (for some 4hrs now) in the school office as the teacher looks pitifully on, "I'm really sorry kids, none of your parents are picking up"

The mother needs to think this is genuinely what's going to happen. She just thinks she can drop and run, never mind, Dad and OP won't let the kids get upset.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn do you honestly think the school will continue to attempt to contact him until 8pm? I can say from experience that isn't the case. They will contact SS as its a safe guarding concern.

DP has a very good relationship with the school due to her previous behaviour. DP is capable of a conversation with the school around this (again, not my responsibility) and even sending them an email with her copied in so she can't pull a stunt like that. That is on him to do, not me.

What do you propose we/ I/ he does? Disappear for the night when he eventually gets home at nearly 9pm and ignore any messages from the school/ SS? Because that would make us just as bad as her in my eyes, if not worse!

DP has a good relationship with ExW family, so could discuss with them if necessary.

Again, none of the above is my responsibility!

@Mnetcurious possibly! I'd like to hope she is the only CF parent who would do something like this, but MN has taught me that's sadly not the case!!

The door hasn't been hammered down yet though, so there's still a chance she's not realised it's her 🤞🏻🤣

@ElevenSeven thank you. I'm really struggling to wrap my head around how anyone thinks it's acceptable for DP (and I) to have to constantly fire fight and pick up the pieces when she pulls stunts like this!!

No parent, even in a nuclear family, would accept behaviour like this. I'm waiting for the 'he's just as shit of a dad as she is a mum' brigade to pop up in full force now it's daylight hours!

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn I don't know how you've reached the conclusion that we are sat with the 'it's all your mums fault' attitude and think this will make them feel better?

It IS mums fault. We know that, they know that. I'm sure she also knows that, but will still try and pin it on someone else.

She KNOWS we cannot facilitate this extra time. She KNOWS the kids will be stood looking for her at school and be upset when she doesn't show. She KNOWS we are not compromising on this. So what in the world do you want DP and I to do?!

tHe PoOr mUm NeEdS a bREaK

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

It's been made very clear, that no, it's not ok for you to pick up the pieces. Very clear.

If she thinks SS are going to be called, she won't go. If she thinks you'll just pick up her slack and cover like you always do, she will.

No, FFS you don't wait for her to go, then go AWOL yourself that's somewhat locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.

Tell her you won't be there. You are both away on work events. From the day before she leaves. Otherwise the kids are going to get humiliated, and from 8pm that evening you're going to be looking after them anyway.

@ElevenSeven oh god don't, we've had a text like that before from her 🤣

Imagine birthing children, having 50% of the month to yourself, never having to do the running around after them, only spending money on yourself and STILL needing a break...

Lord give me strength 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have a friend whose shifts are worked out a year in advance and it's near impossible for him to swap. We all plan events around his shifts for this reason, so i understand how this is problematic for the OP's husband

Whilst I agree the mother has been extremely unreasonable and I completely understand you both saying No in this instance, I do think as a SM you do bear some responsibility towards them. Just not in this case!

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn you're asking 'what are you going to do about it?' and I'm telling you sweet F all.

We shouldn't have to lie and say we will be away from home. She should have more consideration and respect for us and her children and realise no means no!

She KNOWS SS will be called. The school make attempts to make contact and give it until 4pm before they contact SS. We know this from experience, as does she!! She doesn't need anyone to spell that out for her, or what that means for the kids.

Sadly, you give her too much credit that she will still do the right thing. I hope she does, but I doubt she will. Perhaps she needs to face the consequences of her actions for once.

It is up to her now to find appropriate childcare, change flights to fit with her 'days off' or simply not go. This isn't a once in a lifetime holiday that she will never get the chance to experience. This is her being a selfish, manipulative, inconsiderate, disrespectful shit show of a mother.

@uxcate it's honestly the biggest headache isn't it? 🤣 We have to turn down any invite, even immediate family members weddings, if we aren't given enough notice!

Don't even get me started on annual leave, requested 18 months in advance but luck of the draw if it's given on those dates or not!!

Would your DP want his children full time? Would you consider it? with her seeing them when she could be arsed EOW?

That would stop her shenanigans

I know you shouldn't have too.

But I'd be thinking less of my own principles, and more about two children who sit like unclaimed bagged as neither parent turns up. Yes only mum should be. It's still going to make them feel terrible.

If I had to lie to this eejit of a woman, to minimise the effects on them, and still get the end result I wanted, that's what I'd do.