AIBU (well, we) or is she?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

DP has 2 children from previous relationship. ExW isn't known for her ability to reason, and so here we are...

Childcare is 50/50 on a 2 week rotation with set days each week. It's been this way for a long time (more than a year) and works well for the kids and parents (90% of the time anyway!).

ExW has decided to go on holiday with her partner at short notice. She messaged DP asking him to have the children on her set days (not swap days, have them in addition to his usual days) and stated she had already booked the holiday. This would mean him having them 10 days in a row.

DP said no as 1) it's too short notice and 2) he's sorted work around his children months in advance and can't be easily changed (nature of his work means it can be incredibly difficult to arrange any swaps at short notice).

ExW isn't open to making the days up elsewhere. Just in the last 6 months, she's done this several times at short notice and it means DP or I have had the kids nearly an extra month. There's not even been so much as a thanks from her, even if it has been me picking up the extra childcare.

So, AWBU in saying no and DP finally putting his foot down at her piss taking, or is she BU constantly making plans during her childcare days/ nights and just expecting DP to rearrange his life to suit her?

So as not to drip feed, this is a woman who ran to CMS when 50/50 first started and claimed DP was only having the kids 2 nights a week. Prior to 50/50, DP had the kids between 4 and 6 nights every week and still paid her CM (more fool him, I know!).

Absolutely!

Their mother created the situation by not making appropriate arrangements. She is the one, the someone, that should be finding a resolution.
As OP and her partner work, and have already explained, it isn't possible for them to drop everything to host the children at a time they hadn't agreed to, planned for, budgeted for, or arranged time off work for.

I am genuinely not wishing to be rude and can’t imagine how challenging it is to have a blended family but the list you’ve provided of her can’t be arsed behaviour is awful and very sad. Even if the courts would say it doesn’t meet their threshold it’s upsetting that the kids are being raised (some of the time) in that environment. Anyway, hope you all manage to work things out for the children’s sake.

@InAPickle12345 she gave just over a week and a half notice!

She has plenty of family that can have them, although they're often left with them last minute too so I can imagine they've grown tired of having to rearrange their lives due to her lack of organisation and consideration too!

@PretzelMeUp please don't leave me 🥺🤣

Thank you for your advice and support!! Have a glass of wine after the headache of 'those poor adandoned kids, you cruel evil woman for not putting your life on hold to make up for their mothers incompetance' fades away 💐

@Quitelikeit she will have to ask her family, a friend, take them with her or not go!!

I've no doubt she will text on the day again, but I would like to hope she has a shred of compassion for those kids and doesn't just abandon them to flounce off on her holidays!

Cheeky bitch, that's no notice at all. Hold firm, you are 100% in the right here and she's a piece of work.

I hope she doesn't involve the children by telling them Dad and @GlassCaseOfEmotions won't have you etc etc. and they are oblivious to what's happening.

@Looneytune253 she is well aware that DP could do that AND has evidence to back it all up. Sadly, CMS don't accept emails and text messages, or even pictures of the kids in our care, as evidence. They will only accept a CAO (which is how she managed to pull the wool over their eyes when 50/50 first started and she lied to them. It was only when she realised she would have to foot a lot of extra costs that she backed down and closed the case)

What a shame their bonkers mother doesn't want them more, eh? And she can't be arsed to sort proper childcare for them before booking a holiday. 🙄

@janeintheframe no one is arguing. She has been told no, that's the end of it. She continues to ask and will eventually turn nasty, it's practically scripted with her!! DP wouldn't be having them longer, I would be. And, I can't say it any more times, THEY ARE NOT MY KIDS!!!

The agreement between them is 50/50 care ALWAYS. Not '50/50 care but it changes to suit mum when she clicks her fingers at the detriment of dad and his partner'. They do know, because mum has told them so she can use them to emotionally blackmail dad. The kids know dad's work schedule and my work schedule, and the oldest has even said he doesn't understand why she booked a holiday when it's her time to have them 🤷🏻‍♀️ the kids have no bad feelings towards us in this situation, they're clever enough to know it's mum who has shafted them without us telling them that!!

Just in the last 6 months, she's done this several times at short notice and it means DP or I have had the kids nearly an extra month. There's not even been so much as a thanks from her, even if it has been me picking up the extra childcare.

She's a CF. No way would I have the dc. What kind of dick books a holiday without first organising childcare? An entitled dick...

Agree. Personally I would be happy to spend extra time with my children. Also she shouldn't have to thank him for looking after his own children. These poor kids sound like an inconvenience to you all.

@InAPickle12345 sadly she has told them, to try and get round DP and I that way. Thankfully, they're both switched on enough to know we can't always facilitate mums demands and that she needs to step up. They say that themselves, no input from us!! When they came to us and said it, the eldest even said it was bad she had booked the holiday and that she knows DP can't change shifts that easily. He also said he was upset she was choosing a holiday with her boyfriend over time with the kids.

She really is a piece of work!!

Also agree with this. It's up to the children's parents to look after their children, not you. Put your foot down and say you are busy.

@hellsBells246 right?! She really is something else!!

DP and I would never book a holiday that impacted his time with his kids, even if we had alternative childcare. He's never so much as asked her to have them 5 extra minutes, never mind asking every other week for her to have them additional days because she's got plans!!

We wouldn't mind if enough notice was given, but at short notice and with the jobs we do it just isn't feesible!!

I'd worry she will just take them to school and call you on the way to the airport saying she's gone and you need to pick them up. Definitely stand firm on no though, what a CF.

@nameshame24 please read what I have written.

No, he shouldn't be thanked for looking after his kids. But I sure as hell should be when the favour has been for her, not for DP!!

He also wouldn't be spending extra time with them as HE WILL BE WORKING!!! Again, it would fall to me.

I case anyone missed it, I AM NOT THEIR MOTHER AND AM NOT OBLIGED TO PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD OR IMPACT MY FINANCES/ JOB TO FACILITATE A SHIT MOTHER DOING WHATEVER SHE WANTS WITHOUT CONSIDERING OTHERS!!!!

@Mnk711 I do worry this will happen, if I'm honest. And it wouldn't shock me either. In fact, I'd only be shocked she called and gave the courtesy. However, DP cannot have his phone at work and school don't have my contact details (neither does ExW), so it would be after 8pm when he saw the message. More fool her if she does that, as school would contact SS under safeguarding and then she risks losing the children (and the benefits she receives for them!). I'd hope she has more sense than to traumatise her kids like that...

Let's hope she doesn't do it. Poor kids.

@Mnk711 I live in hope 🙏🏻

Yanbu at all! Tell her no as you’re both working and so won’t be able to take care of them. If she chooses to book a holiday with no arranged childcare, it’s totally her problem.

Why am I not surprised she's involved the children. Despicable.

I know it's tough now, but children grow up and see the failings of their parents and choose where to apportion their time and love accordingly, which appears to be the happening with your DSC already, the poor thing.

And btw, no your DP shouldn't be thanked for having his children, but he SHOULD be thanked for facilitating changes to schedules etc. I thank my ex, who again I can't stand, when we have to make changes to schedules. It's just common decency.

@Moonwatcher1234 it is awful. Our hands are tied as SS and the courts aren't interested. DP has spent a hell of a lot of time and money getting it looked in to. We are at least thankful that they are provided stability and their needs are met here. If DP could have them on this occasion, or more than 50/50 with her agreement, he would in a heartbeat. He recognises his kids are very different to what they were when the 'family unit' was together. The kids recognise their mothers downfalls and voice them openly, but she will not even sway to a 60/40 arrangement. Sadly, nothing we can do 🤷🏻‍♀️

@InAPickle12345 it's part of the script of shit parenting isn't it? The 1 in the wrong will always involve the children to try and get what they want!!

Thankfully the kids can see the difference and understand it is ExW at fault. We don't encourage any bad talk of her when they're here, but we do allow them to voice frustrations. Sadly, it's often frustrations around their mother!

I just thought a thank you was always common courtesy? I would say thank you to a stranger holding a door for me, so I don't think a thank you from her is too much to ask when it's peoples lives she's messing with!!

@Moonshine5
Sorry but this is between your DP and his ex.
End of.
If it was a DH maybe
Really? it's OP they're expecting to look after these kids whilst her DP is away for work and their mother is on holiday.

This is exactly what I was saying earlier. But you dismissed it.

This is obviously what she's going to do. You need to make it clear your won't be there so she thinks she can't pull this stunt.