AIBU (well, we) or is she?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

DP has 2 children from previous relationship. ExW isn't known for her ability to reason, and so here we are...

Childcare is 50/50 on a 2 week rotation with set days each week. It's been this way for a long time (more than a year) and works well for the kids and parents (90% of the time anyway!).

ExW has decided to go on holiday with her partner at short notice. She messaged DP asking him to have the children on her set days (not swap days, have them in addition to his usual days) and stated she had already booked the holiday. This would mean him having them 10 days in a row.

DP said no as 1) it's too short notice and 2) he's sorted work around his children months in advance and can't be easily changed (nature of his work means it can be incredibly difficult to arrange any swaps at short notice).

ExW isn't open to making the days up elsewhere. Just in the last 6 months, she's done this several times at short notice and it means DP or I have had the kids nearly an extra month. There's not even been so much as a thanks from her, even if it has been me picking up the extra childcare.

So, AWBU in saying no and DP finally putting his foot down at her piss taking, or is she BU constantly making plans during her childcare days/ nights and just expecting DP to rearrange his life to suit her?

So as not to drip feed, this is a woman who ran to CMS when 50/50 first started and claimed DP was only having the kids 2 nights a week. Prior to 50/50, DP had the kids between 4 and 6 nights every week and still paid her CM (more fool him, I know!).

It amazes me that people are trying to find any loop hole here to make ExW the poor hard done to victim and DP the villian
Not trying to make her the hard done by victim, just that I know this scenario is not uncommon with new partners not made aware.

If it's clear that she indeed expect plans to be changed at the last minute, then she is clearly massively entitled and unreasonable.

Have you actually read any of ops posts? Are you so unaware that some people have jobs that can't easily accommodate shift changes?

I think it’s a wind up. No sane person truly believes children are better off with SS just because their father and step mom can’t easily accommodate their mother’s constant last minute holiday plans due to their work schedule.

@Moonshine5 there is a vast difference between don't want to and can't.

@vivainsomnia yet if you had read the entire thread, you'd see where I mentioned the messages and when/ how they'd been received.

DP knows better than to keep something like that from me. In fact, he's very open when it comes to ExW communication due to some incidents early in our relationship when she was trying to have me play the middle man.

@AliceOlive no wind up. I don't believe they are better off with SS. But I can see the benefits of SS being involved in this situation

I didn’t mean your OP was a windup. Sorry. I meant the poster who said they would be better off with SS than either of parent.

@AliceOlive oh sorry!! I read your comment totally wrong!!

Amazing that someone thinks we should just give in to ExW's very demand, rather than her face her responsibilities.

Based on @Moonshine5 previous comments, I am to be held to a higher standard than the woman who birthed these kids!!

Then it's you that says no not him. Their kids, up to them. If he agrees to have them he arranges a babysitter, why are you an unpaid nanny? You could be working extra hours, seeing your own friends, doing a hobby, exercising or meditating in that time you're expected to provide free childcare

@lazyarse123 they have, and have been painting DP and I as the bad ones throughout the thread!!

It seems ExW can do no wrong when she does whatever she likes, regardless of the kids. But when DP and I say 'no' we are the worst people on earth. Can't talk sense in to a person like that!!

@Unexpectedlysinglemum we have both said no. Me because I'm not the unpaid nanny and I refuse to continue to enable ExW's behaviour. DP because he can't change his working hours at such short notice.

It is up to mum to sort whatever childcare she can, not DP or I.

If you'd read the entire thread, you'd see I've been quite vocal in the fact they're not my responsibility and I won't put my life and career on hold just to facilitate mums shitty behaviour.

Also, DP NEVER expects me to do any childcare outside of emergencies.

YANBU regarding the change of plans - things have been organised and planned a certain way and it is very difficult to change this on a whim because someone wants to go on holiday.

But all of this about owing and making up days and your DH doing more than a certain share of the childcare etc … it just seems sad. I understand that changes in the plan are annoying and the plan should be followed, but why is it a problem if he’s had them more than her? Surely rearranging things so that she’s looked after them her ‘fair share’ of days is just causing more practical issues?

@Kittythecutest I have already answered this question several times if you read the thread.

Surely her changing the days constantly or booking things on her time, when she has 50% of the month to herself, is causing the practical issues? If it was an event only on a certain day, fair enough. But day drinking just because? Or going on holiday just because? Or a spa day just because? No, that is causing the practical issues here. NOT DP saying no or asking her to swap a day.

@GlassCaseOfEmotions can you imagine the outcry if it had been an exhusband who was swanning off on holiday and shirking their responsibilities?
I am quite angry on your behalf. You do so much more than is morally required of a stepmum. There are lots of threads where stepmums do the bare minimum and they're applauded because "after all they're not your kids". You just can't win. Your stepchildren are lucky to have you.

@lazyarse123 there would be some kind of vigilante group after him!! And enraged mothers saying the SM must have encouraged it because she's the equivillant of Putin. There might even be a GoFundMe to help 'poor dear mother' take horrible evil dad to court to limit his access, and someone would send a template for CMS.

The double standard honestly makes me both angry and amused!!

Thank you, I have done my best where I can for the kids. However, ExW has created this whole situation and relationship. I was very nice and reassuring towards her in the beginning, even told my DP her behaviour was all in his head. Amazing how quickly the rose tinted specs can fall off...

The point op is making is not that it's fair more that the ex-wife has plenty of non contact time to make plans, days out, drinking whatever. Why is she not being slated for palming her kids off all the time to their dad and also other family members. Op has repeatedly said they would be very happy to have full custody but ex doesn't want that because she'd lose the gravy train that she's on.

It's not about giving in to her demand. It's about saying "right, she's a dick, she's going to leave her children regardless, so rather than keep insisting how much of a dick she is, which actually changes nothing, what's our plan?"

It's all very well saying you shouldn't have to do this. You are quite right. You shouldn't. I don't think that parts up for debate.

But if she's going to put you in that position regardless, and SS end up intervening, you need your plan in place now.

You are right, it's no way to live. For you, or for the DC. Maybe after this, her 50/50 will be taken away. Think about what you want as an arrangement, you will likely be considered the priority household after this stunt.

I don’t think you are unreasonable in this situation and was with you all the way until you said you are not their step mother, you are their dad’s partner. Then I felt sorry for the kids. You live with your DP, these kids live with you 50% of the time, if after that you don’t consider yourself to be their step parent then I am not sure what you think qualifies as step parent.

Ah, another warm and fuzzy tale from the blended family archives.

Honestly. The minutiae of who did what and when to whom really doesn’t matter.

What we have are kids with parents who are essentially going “you take them!” No, you take them!” So embroiled in point scoring and “fairness” that no one gives a thought to the children in the middle of it.

I can’t imagine ever feeling that way about my kids. It’s very sad.

@mikulkin I take my lead from the children. They don't see me as a step mum, and that's fine. Maybe they will 1 day, maybe they won't. What they refer to me as doesn't change how I treat them when they're in my home.

Does it mean I don't do things other SMs are doing? No. But they also have 2 parents, they don't want a 3rd and that's fine by me 🤷🏻‍♀️

@SmellyKat10 and mum didn't give a thought when she booked a holiday knowing it was her responsibility to have the kids 🤷🏻‍♀️ again, I'm not their parent. They have 2 of those. DP can't do it due to work, so it's mum who needs to and should have given thought to the kids

I am sorry but I can’t agree with such attitude. It has nothing to do with them but how you feel - if you don’t feel like step mum to two young children who live with you 50% time it is on you not on them. Somewhere deep inside they know you don’t feel like their SM and hence will never treat you like one. And if it is fine with you then you should have never been with their dad. You can’t have a strong marriage with someone who loves two people more than anything in the world and not have strong bond with them SP do.
I met my SC when they were teens and they didn’t even live with us, just came to stay every other weekend - they didn’t treat me as SP for years understandably but my feeling didn’t go away. I not only did all the things SP do (which I am sure you do) but cared for them deeply as step mum would do. Now they are young adults and call me second mum. Do they not have two parents - of course they do. Did they need a third one? No in ideal world if their parents stayed together but they didn’t and trust me having a step parent is much better then just dad’s partner.

@mikulkin you're reading an awful lot in to how I feel from a very small amount of information on a situation.

DP and I are not married. Therefore I am dad's partner.

I have a very good, strong bond with both kids. I'm the person they come to for advice, emotional support, help if they've found themselves in a bad situation etc. It's not ExW or DP they call when they're in turmoil, it is me. The title of SM means nothing to me, as in it doesn't change how I behave towards or feel about them. A title does not dictate how you treat others, and I won't force that title on myself or the children. How they choose to view me in years to come is entirely up to them, but they'll at least be able to say that I always treated them with love, kindness and respect.

Does that mean I should give up my life, my career, my time, my sanity to care for them because ExW won't and would rather do whatever she pleases when she knows she has 50% of care for them? No, it doesn't. It means I should be the person who demonstrates, through my actions and behaviour, that you can respectfully set boundaries and that you don't always get what you want in life at the detriment of others.

Entitled people raise entitled children. We have enough entitled people in this world, in my opinion.

You don't have to agree with me on how I feel, but no one is in a position to tell someone they should feel differently. Especially when they're not in that situation themselves.

She sounds like a shockingly selfish person. When she going on holiday?