Why don't people just ask for a seat on the train/tube?

[coverp]

Pregnant with DC3, regular commuter (London) on both the train and the tube.

Have just heard from a friend (pregnant with first DC) that she sat in the aisle on the train today as no one offered her a seat even though she had her badge on.

I asked why she didn't just ask someone for a seat - she was shocked and said 'you can't do that!'.

Am I missing something? If I've felt like I needed to sit (usually in first trimester more so than later on, but am now hitting the point where I may need to start again) - I just edge towards a pair or group of priority seats and ask 'Would someone mind letting me sit please?'.

I've probably done this 50+ times over 3 pregnancies and never once not have someone stand up for me with good grace. I avoid people who visibly can't stand easily themselves, and take the approach that it's unlikely that in a group of 6-8 people that every one of them has a hidden disability that makes it hard for them to stand.

Am I breaking some sort of unwritten rule by just using my words to ask? If so, it's probably too late as this is the last baby and I only have a few more weeks to commute, but I guess I'd like to know anyway!

So you didn't want or need to sit down? Good for you.

I usually preferred standing while pregnant but many don't and it's fine to ask.

I've asked for a seat just because I was hungover and felt like shite. Nothing wrong with asking for any reason.

You're fine to ask but don't get offended if people refuse.

They may have a valid reason and need for the seat.

Also re pregnancy- mine was easy - I actually did a firearms course without knowing I was 6 weeks pregnant (a 4 week course)
I gymmed every day and had no physical issues.

However my bloody pressure was low and I would faint if I stood still for too long, I would need a seat. However I don't do public transport as I live in the country- I just wanted to share that I was fit and healthy and got on with pregnancy but by blood pressure would cause me to faint - beyond my control.

@stayathomer you clearly didn’t suffer with HG or PGP. I felt terribly rough almost every single day of my pregnancy, so had I needed to ask twice a day for more than 30 weeks of commuting that would’ve been 300ish times, so 50 doesn’t sound very excessive to me.

@Dotjones I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect people to ‘size up’ everyone who gets on the train/tube if you’ve chosen to sit in a priority seat.

@gannett They didn’t say everyone in the carriage. Just those in priority seats. There are a handful in each carriage with a massive sign behind explaining that they are specifically for people less able to stand. If you choose to sit in a priority seat and don’t meet the criteria you absolutely have a duty to make sure that nobody needs it.

5 pregnancies and never asked anyone for a seat but then where I live, people will always just offer it. I always then offer it to someone disabled or who needs it more than me. I wouldn't ask for it though as I'd feel people would think I was being entitled but then i've never had to ask!

I did a stint commuting by train on a pair of crutches after an operation on my foot. I had to loudly ask the carriage if anyone could kindly give me a seat pretty much ever day, but that was probably due to the carriage being so packed that the seated people couldn't see me rather than them deliberately ignoring me. Once I did that someone offered me a seat very quickly without fail. For which I thanked them profusely. There was usually someone offering to help me get off the train once I reached my stop as well.

If you need help just ask. People are generally happy to oblige.

Oh, and I live in That London

ABSOLUTELY one should ask for a seat if needed. Not just during pregnancy but in any case if there’s a need to sit. I used to work crazy hours in corporate and commute daily. One day on my way home I just felt a visceral, utter exhaustion and my knees were going wobbly. I literally just said out loud whilst standing that I feel I might pass out, could anyone please let me sit for a few minutes? And almost the whole part of the carriage where I was standing in jumped up.

I’d say we don’t give enough credit to our extended community (in this case London) and people are actually way more helpful than we would assume them to be.

I would also ask for people to get up from the priority seats if someone with a badge boarded. They might not see it or heck, they might ignore it. Voicing it helps. No regrets.

@Lm678853 How I envy your easy easy pregnancies. PGP had me on crutches for a chunk of mine. It’s crazy to think how different people’s experiences can be…

When I was pregnant, I would not have expected it and I certainly would not have asked. I probably wouldn't have needed it. The people sitting may be tired or not feeling well. If I was shattered or not feeling well, I would not offer someone a seat. I also would feel bad if I offered someone a seat who was actually just fat. Is there such a thing as a badge saying, "give me a seat?" I wouldn't wear - I'd feel people would think I had a sense of entitlement.

I would never ask for a seat when pregnancies or for any other reason but I just don't like interacting on the tube or with anyone when travelling tbh. Luckily I've always been robust in my pregancies and would never have sat in the floor, I was perfectly capable of standing all the way through (but I would wear a badge anyway because it was nice to get a seat if someone would offer).

I get more annoyed now that I'm travelling with a child in a buggy and have to stand because the seats next to the buggy spaces are sat in by people who could sit anywhere! But they got there first so I figure I have no more right to them. Maybe I'll dig out my Baby on Board badge and see if it makes a difference?

Yes thank you! I done exactly the same with my two pregnancies. Also in London, I would just go to the person in the priority seat and ask and they ALWAYS got up. They smiled and were friendly.

I can see why you'd be shy, but I think asking is the best idea. People are generally kind and will help.

First off, on the tube they're in their own little world, so probably haven't even noticed you're pregnant and may need a seat.

Secondly, everyone is so fearful of offending people; I'd probably be the same. I've seen people be knocked back quite rudely on buses for offering a seat - 'I'm not that old, thank YOU!' 'I'm pregnant, not ill!' - that it makes others reluctant to offer. There's also the cardinal sin of mistaking that someone is pregnant, which everyone wants to avoid! But if you ask, I'm sure they'd be happy to oblige.

60s rather than pregnant - if I use the tube for morning commute, it's rare not to be offered a seat. Happens a bit less often on the way home.

I think the tube is different - most people are usually only going a couple of stops, and it's often easier to stand si that you can get off again, so people will offer seats.
The commuter trains in London have a very different set up
These are the ones where my 19 yo DD who has a chronic condition, wears a sunflower lanyard and 'please offer me a seat badge', has never been offered, and has been ignored, refused, sworn at and verbally abused when asking for a seat.

Yes I can understand someone with a medical condition, but pregnancy?? people who are pregnant are not ill

Also re pregnancy- mine was easy - I actually did a firearms course without knowing I was 6 weeks pregnant (a 4 week course)

OT but a colleague did a safety course (the one where she had to get out of a ditched 'helicopter' underwater and upside down) before she knew she was pregnant. I did argue for a certificate for the baby as well. 😅

A sizeable proportion of pregnant women suffer from conditions associated with their pregnancy that makes it unusually difficult for them to stand on a moving train/bus for half an hour. A large enough proportion that TfL has decided that it's worth giving all pregnant women priority for seating as a default. Feel free to campaign for them to change all the signs and the special designs on the seating moquette.

No but they can't stand as easily as someone who's not pregnant, all else being equal. You give your seat up to anyone who needs it more than you; it's that simple.

But I don’t mean selective on purpose - just funny that our brains are wired to see whatever we’re thinking about. Like if I ever buy a lottery ticket I swear the news is full of stories about lottery winners.

I mean there definitely are pregnant people using the tube so it’s no use saying there aren’t just because you don’t see them!

@Bertiesmum3 I think it’s more complicated than that. I’m not ‘ill’ when pregnant, but I have Hypermobility which is quite badly affected. You wouldn’t know to look at me. I’m not embarrassed sharing it, but I shouldn’t have to share that personal information to access a seat.

Equally, plenty of women who are very healthy have some level of morning sickness and most have balance thrown off by the baby shifting their centre of gravity. In their case, it’s risky if they do lose balance, as falls in pregnancy can be dangerous. Pregnancy is a valid reason to ask for a seat and be given a seat. We don’t expect strangers to say their medical history, so whether they have anaemia, pregnancy sickness/nausea, spd/pgp, recurrent UTIs or gestational diabetes that causes dizziness or any other issue that might make it harder to stand is irrelevant really. Pregnancy can and does affect a large number of women enough that they should be offered a seat and - without expecting to be given personal medical histories - there’s little way to tackle that than giving all pregnant women a seat.

“You’re pregnant, not ill” is quite an odd statement when really thought about. Pregnancy causes vomiting and nausea as a pretty standard response, it’s more common to struggle controlling body temperature and feel dizzy, it’s more common to be utterly exhausted. And those are just the basics that a majority of women experience, let alone other significant problems that can occur in or be made worse by pregnancy. It’s usually a statement said by people who want someone to get on with something anyway - and that’s not always fair or possible.

for me its more that standing in a packed tube is a bit scary heavily pregnant as you get bashed by people, knocked with bags / stood on / pushed as it's so busy and I get really nervous about falling over or getting my bump hit / someone falling into me hard etc!! I can stand fine energy-wise..but feel its not the safest!!