Why don't people just ask for a seat on the train/tube?

[coverp]

Pregnant with DC3, regular commuter (London) on both the train and the tube.

Have just heard from a friend (pregnant with first DC) that she sat in the aisle on the train today as no one offered her a seat even though she had her badge on.

I asked why she didn't just ask someone for a seat - she was shocked and said 'you can't do that!'.

Am I missing something? If I've felt like I needed to sit (usually in first trimester more so than later on, but am now hitting the point where I may need to start again) - I just edge towards a pair or group of priority seats and ask 'Would someone mind letting me sit please?'.

I've probably done this 50+ times over 3 pregnancies and never once not have someone stand up for me with good grace. I avoid people who visibly can't stand easily themselves, and take the approach that it's unlikely that in a group of 6-8 people that every one of them has a hidden disability that makes it hard for them to stand.

Am I breaking some sort of unwritten rule by just using my words to ask? If so, it's probably too late as this is the last baby and I only have a few more weeks to commute, but I guess I'd like to know anyway!

I am more like your friend but I would ask out of anger not because I think it is the normal thing to do (although it is). People SHOULD offer.

I completely agree with you OP.

I would MUCH prefer that people asked for a seat rather than expecting me to notice a badge. I’m usually reading a book or my phone and I won’t always notice it. I’ll happily give up my seat though if someone asks.

I think I'd add on to the end of asking them to move, something like.... of course if you need to sit yourself it is no trouble. As I've got a teen boy who would need to sit and we've travelled to London numerous times together on packed trains. No one has asked him for his seat but if they did I'd hope he would say sorry I need to sit myself, and not get told he's rude. As he appears a fit and able 6ft teen boy when in fact he was awarded enhanced rate mobility from PIP.

I had to ask loads of times - daily commute with 2 trains in each leg plus changing office at lunchtime for meetings (2 more trains). So 6 legs over the day.

People would see me and pretend to be asleep… Even when I was 8 months.

if you're sitting in a priority seat on a fully seated tube/bus without a priority need then that comes with a duty to look up at each stop and check whether anyone's come on who appears to need the seat. If you can't adhere to that requirement then you should stand rather than take a priority seat

No it doesn't come with that duty. This is one of those made-up MN rules, isn't it? Not least because if you're at the other end of the carriage from the door on a packed tube you can't even see who's getting on.

After a long day I've been so zoned out the last thing I want to do is check people out.

Not read the whole thread.

Not everyone who is pregnant feels the need to sit on journeys.

I never felt the need to sit in a seat during any of my pregnancies, many women who are young and fit feel fine and carry on throughout in the same way.

If you feel the need to sit for whatever reason you should ask to sit and the seat should be given up for you without question. If it helps you to ask the question by wearing a badge you should wear a badge as a pre curser to asking for a seat only.

Otherwise it is not a universal 100% of women who need to sit during some or any of their trimesters. The public know this and I guess any awkwardness is likely because some people feel they don't "believe" the person asking for the seat genuinely needs it. I think if you are pregnant and you want a seat you should be believed without question. But you should not ask for a seat "just because" like it is some kind of automatic entitlement.

Very rarely not offered a seat when pregnant, must be lucky

So pregnant women who need seats should ask, and they should be believed, but they have no right to be believed.

You can’t complain about not getting a seat if you won’t ask. Most people are minding their own business, not looking out for badges.

People can ask but it can't really be an expectation that someone gives up their seat. I just wouldn't have commuted heavily pregnant.

I sat down on the floor of the train once. 26 yo me didn't have the same gumption as me now.

What a different world it seems to be in London. When I was pregnant I was always offered a seat on public transport. Now I'm older I'm offered a seat at transport stops and on public transport. Why do people in London seem to be so selfish? But to answer your question, yes if I felt I needed a seat I'd definitely ask.

Can you think of any reason at all why that might not be an option for everyone?

Commuters exist in a state of oblivion. Especially in London and this is deliberate. They are shutting and zoning out what is going on around them. Which means half the time they don’t notice people needing a seat.

When they do, they tend to jump up and offer, which prompts a load of people to do the same.

Approach people calmly and with good grace and they won’t have a problem. They aren’t being rude they just aren’t paying attention because they need to do that to get through the journey.

NonPlayerCharacter · Today 12:38

"So pregnant women who need seats should ask, and they should be believed, but they have no right to be believed."

I did not say that

I said "pregnant women who feel they need seats should ask and they should be believed but not every single woman everywhere who is pregnant from that morning seeing the blue line to the day they are due should be automatically offered a seat (nor do I anticipate all of the people who fall in this category would want one)"

My experience of London with small and smallish children is that we've always, always been offered help and a seat on the tube/bus. Someone once carried part of my luggage all the way down a huge escalator when I was struggling with luggage, pre-schooler and baby in a sling. Nobody has ever been impatient or rude. Consequently I think of London as a lovely place. :)

Your original post was even longer and more convoluted, but yes, that's what you said. The bit about some women not needing a seat in early pregnancy was and is irrelevant.

It's just a way to try to have it both ways; you should give up your seat but you shouldn't give up your seat.

I think it's disgraceful that so many people won't offer their seat to a pregnant woman.

When I hear about things like this I can't help feeling Thatcher and her 'there is not such thing as society' bollocks is casting a long shadow, even decades later.

Pregnant Londoner here. I’d wouldn’t ask in case the seated person had an invisible disability. I love my baby on board badge!

I find I always get a seat on the tube/train and rarely on the bus!

I once asked someone if I could sit down on the tube, and they said no. I’ve never forgotten it.

They're generally justifying it as "well she chose to be pregnant" as if that's a really unusual and mildly unjust thing to do.

Perhaps the guy with his leg in a cast broke it because he chose to go skiing; so what? If you can stand more easily than someone else, you should let them have your seat for that reason alone.

I asked someone to move up and he screamed at the top of his lungs - "don't shout at me!" He had been ignoring me asking him three times. Obviously "a little unwell"....

When I was pregnant no one offered me anything - no seat, to carry my stuff, to go in front of them in the queue when it was August and I was 8 months and we were queuing outside in the boiling heat.

Didnt expect it though either really. I was very unwell when I was pregnant and probably could have done with some support, but as you say, I guess if I’d needed anything I could have asked. But I was never offered anything simply because I was pregnant. Don’t really know what I think about that to be honest.

I used to ask frequently during my two pregnancies - people always jumped up once they realised

But as I’m a small person my bump was often not very visible, (and I used to wear the badge) especially under coats etc in winter and commuters are not looking around them generally to spot who else might need the seat.

pregnant women have to learn to use their words and ask, it’s absolutely ridiculous to end up sitting on the floor. I’ve been a Londoner for 20+ years and people are not monsters. Just ask.

I would ask people too. Much more likely to get a seat.

I don't mind being asked. I am much more likely to give up my seat.