Why don't people just ask for a seat on the train/tube?

[coverp]

Pregnant with DC3, regular commuter (London) on both the train and the tube.

Have just heard from a friend (pregnant with first DC) that she sat in the aisle on the train today as no one offered her a seat even though she had her badge on.

I asked why she didn't just ask someone for a seat - she was shocked and said 'you can't do that!'.

Am I missing something? If I've felt like I needed to sit (usually in first trimester more so than later on, but am now hitting the point where I may need to start again) - I just edge towards a pair or group of priority seats and ask 'Would someone mind letting me sit please?'.

I've probably done this 50+ times over 3 pregnancies and never once not have someone stand up for me with good grace. I avoid people who visibly can't stand easily themselves, and take the approach that it's unlikely that in a group of 6-8 people that every one of them has a hidden disability that makes it hard for them to stand.

Am I breaking some sort of unwritten rule by just using my words to ask? If so, it's probably too late as this is the last baby and I only have a few more weeks to commute, but I guess I'd like to know anyway!

My DD has a chronic condition which causes her pain and makes standing in trains difficult. She wears a sunflower lanyard and a TfL 'please offer me a seat badge'. We live in South London.
She has frequently asked people to give her a seat. Not once has she been given one. The 'nice' people just ignore her. The rest are frequently rude, sometimes downright abusive.
It's tough for a 19yo.

At very months pregnant on a train I was removed from a seat that had been empty and unreserved when I boarded by a man who said his (massive) bag was on the seat next to it so it should have been obvious someone was sitting there.

He refused to move the bag and made me stand up…. Luckily someone else jumped up and invited me to sit

Im older, with grey hair, never ask and often offered a seat on tube.

Thanks, I've never heard of these but don't pay attention to badges other people are wearing on public transport

It's a 'Please offer me a seat' badge. You can get one from Transport for London. Just Google 'Please offer me a seat badge' and you can apply for one online. I've got one as I'm disabled,but be warned,they don't always work! A few times I've got on a packed bus or train while I've been wearing my badge and no one has taken a blind bit of notice!

@Seeline your poor DD! That's not nice for her at all. My DD is also 19 & is an awkward/shy introvert so she would hate to be in this position x

Transport for London hands out 'baby on board' badges to pregnant women. To chivvy the public into giving up their seats if required

I used to commute but now only go to London for social reasons. I’ve been offered a seat and have seen others offered seats too. If I was with someone who needed a seat I would ask if one wasn’t available.

I know it can be hard to ask but honestly it's better than being a martyr.

I'll always give up my seat if I see someone who needs it more than me but sometimes it's not actually that obvious.

When I take a seat on the tube I always have a quick scan of those getting on behind me for very elderly or heavily pregnant people but I would absolutely not mind someone asking me for my seat.

But then I'm getting older now and much less shy about these things. When I was younger and pregnant I was dropping passive aggressive clues into my conversation with a friend so that someone sitting near me would overhear and offer their seat 😂

I'm much more direct and give fewer fucks now.

The problem with asking is who do you ask? You may feel that you deserve a seat, which you possibly do, but the person sitting in the seat may also have reason to need it. If I was sitting in a seat, and someone asked for it, my reply would be that I would have already offered if I didn't also need it (which is true).

I used to ask and people would ignore me. I was pregnant but also walked with a stick. I also nearly got shoved down an escalator while wearing ds in a sling. Also heard teenage girls moaning about why did pregnant people need to sit down etc. (not a full carriage at the time) nowadays I’d probably explain, but at the time was pregnant and tired and just thought - I bet you’ll live to regret those words!

However, have also had lovely moments where people helped him off the tube or offered a seat to us when he was a toddler.

I’ve got a ‘please offer me a seat’ badge on the strap of my rucksack so I can make it visible or not depending on how I feel. I have a condition that makes it hard for me to stand on trains. I don’t ‘look disabled’ but if anyone challenges me I’m happy to explain at length about collagen disorders and why if I stand up I might fall on them! But also about why someone might not want to explain their disability on a packed train…

I’m generally offered a seat and I’ve no issue with asking people to move their stuff. I am also the person who calls ‘can you move down the train please’ when people are not moving down, and I’ve been known to tell people off for not letting people off a train first before boarding 🤣

Reminds me of being on the tube with my DD and DP recently (rare occurance, we don't live in London). DD is 2 and was super tired and struggling to deal with life in general and insisted on being carried. I could see DP was annoyed we didn't get offered a seat so I said 'don't worry, I'll ask for a seat' and he looked utterly mortified and insisted I didn't do that. We got a seat after people got off at the next stop anyway but I was really surprised at how embarrassing he found it that I was perfectly willing to ask for a seat so I didn't have to stand up while holding a squirming miserable toddle.

Someone did actually offer their seat on the next leg of the journey so that was nice. But I'm definitely with you OP I'd ask if needed!

Nope, not unreasonable. I used to ask as well. Could never bring myself to wear the badge. The passive-aggressive "see my badge and get up so I don't have to use my actual voice" vibe was far too cringey.

I think you'd find people reluctant to offer a seat in that situation. No reason why you or OH cannot hold the child
Nor should children who travel free be taking up a seat. They can sit on a lap

If it was a choice between asking and sitting on the floor then of course I'd ask. I'd just stand if I possibly could though.

From the other side, I'd so much rather be asked than the awkwardness of seeing if someone might want the seat or not.

I’ve always asked if I needed it, usually the person sat in the priority seat.
i also found the people most likely to offer a seat are men from a non-white background, then women, young white men at a push, white men, and hardly ever white men in a suit (which is odd because DH is a white man in a suit and would always offer and I know many other who would too, but it seems they are a minority ).

Yeah, this. Stand on a packed train while bags on seats ride in comfort. I make a point of saying generally 'there's a seat here!' to the crowd and pointing to a seat with a bag on.

Beats me why people can't speak up.

This bothers me too. A couple of years ago, a pregnant woman asked for my seat. I said no as I couldn't stay well. She went and got the guard, she looked mortified when I started getting my crutches so I could stand up. It really pissed me off though, I said no for a genuine reason and she tried to bully me.

It’s only the last couple of weeks that I’ve started asking - 34 weeks, huge and with SPD that’s left me on crutches. And people have jumped up, apologised for not noticing and been fine about it. Before that I’d just grin and bear it because I could stand, it was just harder than normal - now I really can’t but still need to get to the office!

yep im the same OP - im 28 weeks and commute with a nearly 3 year old )she goes to nursery beside my work!) I more need the seat for her really as shes tiny and don't want her to fall down or be stepped on!! I always get on and just say out loud do you think someone could let us sit down please!! once they look up and see a massive pregnant woman carrying a toddler and our massive backpack etc loads of people go to jump up !!

Every time I've seen someone ask for a seat on the Tube, multiple people have leapt up immediately. I've also seen more seats offered unbidden than the stereotype would suggest. When seats aren't offered it's usually because people are genuinely oblivious. They're not interested in and they don't look at every new person getting on. When I'm sat on the Tube I'm usually completely zoned out. So yes, ask away.

Oh and the only time I've looked like I needed a seat (on crutches after ankle injury) I was offered one almost every time I used the Tube. (I didn't actually need one as it was easier for me to stay standing up than to organise myself, my crutches and my bags to sit down then stand up again.)

What’s this ‘badge’?

It's like many other things in life - you have more chance of getting what you want if you ask for it, rather than waiting for someone to offer it to you.