Why don't people just ask for a seat on the train/tube?

[coverp]

Pregnant with DC3, regular commuter (London) on both the train and the tube.

Have just heard from a friend (pregnant with first DC) that she sat in the aisle on the train today as no one offered her a seat even though she had her badge on.

I asked why she didn't just ask someone for a seat - she was shocked and said 'you can't do that!'.

Am I missing something? If I've felt like I needed to sit (usually in first trimester more so than later on, but am now hitting the point where I may need to start again) - I just edge towards a pair or group of priority seats and ask 'Would someone mind letting me sit please?'.

I've probably done this 50+ times over 3 pregnancies and never once not have someone stand up for me with good grace. I avoid people who visibly can't stand easily themselves, and take the approach that it's unlikely that in a group of 6-8 people that every one of them has a hidden disability that makes it hard for them to stand.

Am I breaking some sort of unwritten rule by just using my words to ask? If so, it's probably too late as this is the last baby and I only have a few more weeks to commute, but I guess I'd like to know anyway!

Sympathise with OP's friends. Typically I see big burly men taking the 'please give up' seats, ear plugs in, looking fixedly at their phones. Not sure I'dhave the courage to ask

Ah this reminds me of having to stand on a packed train for an hour long journey at 12 days overdue. I asked for a seat and three people said no and one ignored me completely. A man gave me his suitcase to sit on but god it felt like the the trip lasted forever.

I was tough t as a child to give up my seat to an adult. I still do it for anyone who looks like they need a seat although I am a pensioner.

Well, the first and only time I asked for a seat when I was pregnant I was spat at so, as unlikely as it is to happen again if I were to be pregnant again, it really upset me and I avoid putting myself in that situation. Luckily I don't have to get public transport a lot lately.

I never ask not when I was pregnant nor now with a broken ankle and crutches although admittedly I am only travelling a few bus stops for the school run.

I do agree and see no shame in asking although I have had this happen the other way round when someone trying to be helpful to a man who needed a seat was trying to usher me out my seat to let him sit down before I’d even had a chance to respond that I was pregnant she’d announced he could sit there. I did let him sit down as I could stand comfortably (only 25 weeks or so at this point) and no one else was jumping up to give him a seat but it got a little awkward when people did then spot the bump.

As a side note: I hate the badges. They put the onus on passengers to offer a seat to someone who is wearing one, instead of making sure there are enough seats and services that it's not an issue. No one should be sitting on the floor, pregnant or not.

I'm a northerner so we would ask! Most people offer if you look even slightly more in need of the seat. But we'd also find someone who sat on the floor instead of asking to be completely bonkers or very rude and passive-agressive. It's probably wet, and now you're in the way of other people.

People are doing their thing on their commute: reading, texting, thinking, zoning out completely, nearly asleep... they're not looking for badges so they can offer a seat up. Ask, and you will receive.

Well I obviously look considerably older than I think I do as I was offered a priority seat a few weeks ago.

I was miffed but accepted graciously!

You don't know what another person's situation is. I remember someone huffing and puffing and me when I was on a train and were asked to move down the aisle. I moved but only as far as I could lean against something as I had started to feel a bit faint.

I would offer a pregnant woman my seat but I can't think of the last time I saw someone pregnant on my morning commute. I started driving when I became heavily pregnant as I had PGP and it was hard for me to stand. It was rare for people to offer a seat and I didn't like to ask.

I commuted every day on the tube in London for 7 years and 2 pregnancies. Weirdly I never felt that being pregnant made me any more knackered than I usually was after a day’s work. So I always felt wrong to ask and didnt! But also didn’t say no if someone offered.

I blame social media. The more we communicate by FB What's App Instagram etc the less we become able to actually speak to each other. Couple this with the increasing selfishness of people and its an unpleasant mix unfortunately

When I’ve been pregnant, I see pregnant women everywhere I go including every single journey on the tube, when I’m not pregnant I never see one. Funny how selective the mind is!!

Just because someone seems healthy doesn't mean they don't need the seat. You might be pregnant or with a screaming autistic child, and there might be a man (looking healthy) who is undergoing chemotherapy and months from death on the tube or bus. That man won't feel like announcing to the whole world his diagnosis, but when you ask him for his seat, he will stand up and give you the seat.

This is what happened to my dear cousin. I feel really sad that he went through that and wish we had been there to defend him.

So, as you judge people for using the disabled seats, take a moment to remember that NOT ALL disabilities are visible. Also, someone may not be disabled but, at that moment, needs that seat more than you do.

In my experience, when I was pregnant, I was only ever offered a seat twice. One of those times was when I was 9 months pregnant. However, after I had my child, I was offered a seat so many times. So I think it's just that with a child, it looks more urgent - maybe???

she sat in the aisle on the train today...

So this is a mainline train. No, people don't give up seats as willingly as the tube trains on those, if they are full to bursting (which is - very often with the timetables now). There are fewer places to stand safely, and the journeys are longer.

Haven't had to negotiate these while pregnant for a long time, but even about 15 years ago I had a heavily pregnant colleague who asked in several carriages and nobody gave her a seat, about 7 in the evening. And who gave up travelling in this way, after that.

Get your friend to look up any schemes for pregnant commuters for her operating company (and/or to talk to her station customer adviser, often they do sessions with them if you are in the commuter belt). Where I live, you can temporarily apply for a 1st class ticket if you have a season ticket while pregnant.
This is not a sure fire fix though.
Secondly, get wise to quieter trains, have a plan if you have to travel when odds on you're going to have 80 people, 50 seats, and 6 stops, and speak to the workplace. The trains JUST BEFORE the cheap fares come in are usually some of the quietest.

@Lorralorr

I'm not selective with it. I would notice and I don't see many on my commute at all. I see people with prams and young children but not visibly pregnant. I would notice as it is something I am sensitive to, for reasons I won't explain.

I'm sure many people are selective with it as you say you are.

I asked on the tube everytime someone didn’t automatically get up. Often people are too zoned out to look up and see a badge, they aren’t willfully ignoring it. No one ever minded.

I always wore a badge though. I found it hard to ask without one

Snap yes would do the same, also can you move your bag so I can sit down please. You just say it naturally and people have done the thing before they realise they should be cross or refuse. My friend asked two lads on a train who were sitting on the outer two seats of a four to move up, there was a slight hesitation but they moved and then rolled their eyes at each other! My child had the reverse on a bus , woman got on and tried to get her and her friend to move so she (adult woman) could sit with her friends. Child politely declined , well done child.

There is a tube every minute on the Victoria Line yet they are full to the brim in the morning, not sure how they can squeeze any more trains into the timetable.

I wouldn’t ask someone, you are pregnant not disabled. I’ve had 3 children and wouldn’t have dreamt to do this, I think your friends right.

I’d be so happy for someone to ask me. I’m usually engrossed in a book or in my own world and worry I’ll miss someone.

When I was pregnant though, I had people stood over me talking loudly about “people who act like pregnancy is an illness” (I had had a lot of bleeding and was told by midwife to take it very easy) and all sorts. One woman literally pushed me out of the way as I was in the way of the door when heavily pregnant (it was too packed to move anywhere so she shoved me away). So no I probably wouldn’t ask. People can be absolute arseholes.

It's a difficult one - you can't always tell if people in priority seats have invisible disabilities. So I'm not supportive of shaming them into getting up. At the moment, I'm having trouble with my foot and so tend to sit there.

But could get up and stand for someone who needed it more. I'd rather someone asked though as I'm not scanning the carriage constantly.

Yikes - that's appalling

Hm if you have low blood pressure and are about to faint I'd say it's ok to ask. If you think you need it.

If I didn't need it, then I agree, I wouldn't ask (but would graciously accept if offered).

I dislike these kind of macho attitudes in pregnancy! Sure, some may not have any need but most pregnant women would appreciate a seat and there’s no shame in it Pregnancy makes most people big, uncomfortable and sometimes sick. Due to your center of gravity changing there’s also a much greater risk of falling over on a packed out bus or train. It’s why they created badges and it’s no more a weakness than having a disability. Just part of life and one that most kind people are happy to accommodate.