Why don't people just ask for a seat on the train/tube?

[coverp]

Pregnant with DC3, regular commuter (London) on both the train and the tube.

Have just heard from a friend (pregnant with first DC) that she sat in the aisle on the train today as no one offered her a seat even though she had her badge on.

I asked why she didn't just ask someone for a seat - she was shocked and said 'you can't do that!'.

Am I missing something? If I've felt like I needed to sit (usually in first trimester more so than later on, but am now hitting the point where I may need to start again) - I just edge towards a pair or group of priority seats and ask 'Would someone mind letting me sit please?'.

I've probably done this 50+ times over 3 pregnancies and never once not have someone stand up for me with good grace. I avoid people who visibly can't stand easily themselves, and take the approach that it's unlikely that in a group of 6-8 people that every one of them has a hidden disability that makes it hard for them to stand.

Am I breaking some sort of unwritten rule by just using my words to ask? If so, it's probably too late as this is the last baby and I only have a few more weeks to commute, but I guess I'd like to know anyway!

5 different posters have already answered this on a very short thread.

Yes just ask if you need it. Once DH ran a marathon and we were on the train home and there was one seat left so I said he should have it and he was insisting I should have it. As soon as he said ‘but you’re pregnant’ about 5 people jumped up to let me sit. I was so embarrassed because I was only about 20 weeks and perfectly capable of standing for a 20 minute journey.

Sometimes I’d ask for a seat particularly later in my pregnancy or on the train when I knew I couldn’t stand for 45 mins but I never really felt comfortable asking for a seat. Often on the tube I’d end up standing.

My work were great though and encouraged me to travel at quieter times.

It often amazed me how a woman the other end of a tube carriage could spot a baby on board badge yet a man in front of me with my huge bump virtually sticking into them didn’t.

People should just ask most of them are oblivious, either reading a book, having a nap, catching up on their phones etc. Yesterday I missed my tube stop because I was lost in my own thoughts I zoned out. Luckily I realised just in time to get off at the next one otherwise I could of travelled all the way down the line 😂

Also I'll be one of those people who only sit on the aisle seat because I hate sitting by the window, feel trapped if someone sits next to me. So I am more than happy for someone to take that seat I am not deliberately stopping anyone - just come up and ask me to move because I am not going to shuffle over.

Then you ask someone else, surely? It’s highly unlikely that everyone in the vicinity has an invisible disability or is feeling faint or ill.

OP, I commuted on the Piccadilly Line for my entire pregnancy, wearing a Baby on Board badge when I remembered it (mostly useful when the pregnancy wasn’t obvious under winter clothes), and from what I remember I only had to ask twice for a seat.

I was offered a seat more often than I needed/wanted it when I was pregnant (sometimes it was nice to stand for a bit after a day at my desk or if I was going on a short journey it was too much effort to get up and down!). I never had to ask. Sometimes I was very grateful for the offer, particularly on buses which can throw people about. If I didn't feel I needed it I declined though. I did have a baby on board badge - even if I didn't want a seat I felt it made people give me more space.

Yanbu, good for you too do it, I personally wouldn't have the confidence like your friend.
It's nice to hear about all these people giving up seats in the comments though.

I went for a growth scan at the hospital a couple of months back and all seats in the waiting area taken up by other patients and their partners! Not a single partner there got up to offer pregnant ladies their seat and all we're heavily pregnant like over 34 weeks too, and I doubt all of the 6 partners present had hidden disabilities!

This. Also, if I declined an offered seat (like you, I sometimes wanted to stand for a bit after a desk bound day), I always refused graciously, so the offerer could see appreciated the offer, even if I didn’t take them up on it.

Usually, a seat was offered, but it not I asked. It wasn't easy for me to get pregnant and I wasn't taking any chances with an awkward fall on a tube.

No you are not breaking any unwritten rule. I commute via the tube and have never seen anyone fail to stand up and offer a seat when someone requested one.

I don't understand those people who complain about not getting a seat because 'no one looked at them'. I don't look around me on the tube I am busy reading or watching something, just open your mouth and ask.

Nasty response

If it’s a badge that looks official then I’d expect people to take notice.

Not really. It's rude and annoying to not even skim a short thread to see if your question has already been answered. Which in this case it had, multiple times.

I agree that people are mostly in their own little bubble, but if you're sitting in a priority seat on a fully seated tube/bus without a priority need then that comes with a duty to look up at each stop and check whether anyone's come on who appears to need the seat. If you can't adhere to that requirement then you should stand rather than take a priority seat.

In practice on my commute it wouldn't matter if I was wearing the largest badge in the world: it still wouldn't be visible to the seated passengers while I'm wedged in next to the door. It would take a huge palaver of shouting for assistance and making a path for the priority passenger to swap them onto a seat.

of course I’d ask

and I ask when people have their bags on seats too when not even pregnant

I don’t like to allow people to get away with being rude

I have a invisible illness that means I can’t stand so I guess your friend doesn’t want to assume that she is anymore entitled than the people who are sat down

I'm not sure I would have had the confidence to ask, but I wore my badge on days when I felt I needed a seat and fortunately it was always noticed and a seat was offered so I never had to worry about asking.

Don't think there's anything wrong at all with asking politely though.

No idea. If I ever get to the point where I need to, I will do so, politely.

Please do ask! Most people commuting / travelling are kind of zoned out so they may not necessarily have noticed you standing there but would be only too glad to let you sit.

Do you not think the way you asked is a bit weird? Surely you would just ask one person rather than being OTT and theatric about it. Londoners seem a bit odd about this I have to say.

It really doesn't come with any sort of duty. If the Tube is so full that there aren't available seats it's likely to be so full that most people will have to zone out a bit to make it a semi-pleasant experience. They're perfectly entitled to do that. Ridiculous to suggest that every 2 minutes, everyone in the carriage should break off from whatever they're reading or watching or thinking about to check exactly who's just got on.

(And I'm someone who mostly stands up for journeys as my default, because I never really need to sit down.)

As well they might. Yesterday a poster said that if she beat a pregnant woman to a seat (!) and the woman said something about it rather than just shutting up, she'd tell her to fuck off. So maybe some people are worried about coming up against an aggressive, abusive person.

You have to ask, no one is looking at you on a train or tube. I generally approach someone who looks like they can stand and ask them if they need the seat (a lot of hidden disabilities so don’t want to turf someone out if they also need the seat) and briefly say I’m pregnant, point to belly (always unzip the jacket to make it clearer) could I have this seat. Never had a problem with it, sometimes the person grunts a bit and has clearly got the huff but I’ve never not had anyone move for me. I’ve been offered a seat by a lady who saw I was pregnant once and thanked her, she said she knew what it was like which was nice for being in central london! I don’t use the badge, no one’s looking at you anyway and I’m now at the stage where I’m clearly visibly pregnant. My biggest problem is I’ve got the waddle now so I’m quite slow and as I don’t look pregnant from behind I do hear people audibly tutting behind me in the street or station sometimes.

Not everyone in the carriage, just the people in the priority seats. There's very clear signage to that effect.

You can get a Baby on Board badge to wear if you are pregnant.