Why don't people just ask for a seat on the train/tube?

[coverp]

Pregnant with DC3, regular commuter (London) on both the train and the tube.

Have just heard from a friend (pregnant with first DC) that she sat in the aisle on the train today as no one offered her a seat even though she had her badge on.

I asked why she didn't just ask someone for a seat - she was shocked and said 'you can't do that!'.

Am I missing something? If I've felt like I needed to sit (usually in first trimester more so than later on, but am now hitting the point where I may need to start again) - I just edge towards a pair or group of priority seats and ask 'Would someone mind letting me sit please?'.

I've probably done this 50+ times over 3 pregnancies and never once not have someone stand up for me with good grace. I avoid people who visibly can't stand easily themselves, and take the approach that it's unlikely that in a group of 6-8 people that every one of them has a hidden disability that makes it hard for them to stand.

Am I breaking some sort of unwritten rule by just using my words to ask? If so, it's probably too late as this is the last baby and I only have a few more weeks to commute, but I guess I'd like to know anyway!

I think you need to ask. Most passengers aren't paying much attention to who gets on at every stop and wouldn't notice if someone may need a seat.

Asking is fine. Most people are too busy scrolling through SM on their phones to notice who gets on the train.

No, you’re not breaking any rules
No, you’re not being unreasonable.
Anyone who doesn’t dare ask is a no doubt one of those MN posters who cannot countenance simple polite conversations with strangers due to their fear of ‘confrontation’ 🙄

I wouldn’t generally ask unless I actually felt unwell, but I acknowledge that during both my pregnancies I felt pretty good and able to stand. I have no issue with asking though and have done so quite bluntly!

At 28 weeks pregnant, I was traveling on a train from Birmingham to London that was absolutely rammed due to some kind of travel disruption. Everyone piled on, barged past me (I was undeniably and visibly pregnant!) and I was stuck in the vestibule unable to get to my pre-booked seat. I got pretty firm at that point because I felt really faint as my breakfast was in my bag and I was boiling in my coat - I had to say excuse me to about 30 people and half of them were pretty arsey! Shouting at me that there was ‘no room’.

Then a kind man took over and shouted at everyone to let me through and created a path for me . I appreciated the advocacy but I was also able to stand up for myself. I now always keep my eyes peeled and am ready to jump up to offer seats to anyone who is pregnant, or has small kids, or lots of bags. It’s such a small act of kindness to be able to offer, along with carrying the other end of someone’s pushchair up steps etc which I again always offer to do!

Yanbu, I always intended to ask people to move from priority seats when I was pregnant. Fortunately I always managed to get a seat so never had to but I was fully prepared to.

People should ask. It's unfair to expect other passengers to read your mind that you want a seat, it's unfair to expect them to pay attention to you when you get on. On public transport it's usually a case of avoiding all contact with strangers, don't speak to them unless they force you to, avoid eye contact and stare out of the window or at the back of the seat in front. I don't size every passenger up as they get on board, making a judgement on whether they might be pregnant or disabled. I'd offer a seat if I noticed someone who looked like they needed it and would be fine with someone asking if I hadn't noticed them - but I'm not going to start checking everyone out, just in case.

It’s not just about feeling unwell. There is a real risk of the bump getting elbowed/ squashed on a packed tube. Pregnant women’s centre of gravity also changes, so they are at higher risk of falling. Overall, it’s safer to sit down (if the woman is happy to - sometimes it’s hard to get up again 😂).

I was using my walking stick on the Metro in Madrid but no seats were available. I tapped a young man sitting in a priority seat and pointed to the sign depicting a tottery pensioner. He leapt up, full of apologies. I was very grateful. Active DH less so when the nice young man’s friend offered him his seat too.

YANBU OP. People need to stand up for themselves and use their own voice. If there is something I need, I ask for it. It drives me mad when you see people pussy footing around asking for a seat when they need one. Same when people don't ask people to move their bags/coats off of unoccupied seats, but stand there just hoping someone will. Use. Your. Words.

Tbf, I also really dislike those badges. People who wear them often do so so that they don't need to use their words and then get all pissed off when people don't see them/react.

I definitely used to ask — although I do remember the time I asked and the woman (who was sitting in a priority seat, with a suitcase on the seat beside her) was very reluctant because she’d just come off a long flight. (This was on the Piccadilly line from Heathrow.) Given that I was about 8 months pregnant and she was taking up two seats, I wasn’t impressed. In the end, someone else gave up their seat for me…

I'm wondering this too!

Of course you’re fine to ask. Most commuters even if they are looking up and not at their phones or a book aren’t actually paying attention to who has just got on the train or bus- they’re just zoned out in their own little worlds.

It usually says 'baby on board'. There are official TfL badges but also a shed load of others on Etsy etc.

They have obviously not travelled when they has been a delay, accident or in the evening with "merry" people.

Oh and people will offer you a seat if you are with a small child or elderly but it won't be the people you expect.

So women and men who look older were the ones who offered me a seat on trains/tube when my DD was 3 and under, there as on buses it was people under about 25. (This includes in rush hour.) While on trains/tube people under about 25 tend to be the ones offering people who look older seats.

https://tfl.gov.uk/transport-accessibility/baby-on-board

@coverp no one offered her a seat even though she had her badge on. what badge are you talking about???

Yep, I’m this person too. Somehow I’ve inherited my mum’s teacher voice without the profession, works wonders on public transport. I’ve more than once been the person to say “can someone offer this woman a seat please”.

I don’t think I ever had to while commuting pregnant. I did quite often have to tell well meaning people to sit down - DS2 liked to hide under my ribs and I could breathe better standing up!

Anyway, OP, of course you’re not unreasonable to ask! Actually I think it’s politer than standing and suffering while silently berating everyone around you for not noticing you need a seat. Just be clear what you need and people are generally helpful.

Around here on buses, many people won’t even ask someone to move the bag they’ve plonked on the seat beside them. They just stand there -are they too scared of being told to fuck off, or what?

I’ve often asked - you’re liable to get a tut and/or eye roll, but nobody’s ever refused.

I think it’s really good to wear a badge or ask. I know you might think you’re visibly pregnant but people who don’t know you wouldn’t necessarily notice and it’s awful to get it wrong. I once offered my seat (that I ‘d just got after standing for 40mins) to someone who I assumed was pregnant. Maybe it had happened before because she shot back quite crossly ‘I’m not pregnant’. Spent the rest of the journey thinking rather bitchily that she might want to reconsider the Lycra…

How refreshing. Someone who uses words to communicate their needs😄

You don't talk to strangers on the tube!! It's against the tube etiquette!

CatamaranViper · Today 15:42

I haven't seen the Greggs "Pregs" one before, it raised a smile.

It’s a myth that people never talk to each other on the underground. I’ve had strangers tell me they like my sweater with a cat on it, or that they like my hogwarts t-shirt. I think if you ask for a seat, people are fairly likely to give it to you, but you have to ask, because people have conditioned themselves not to look around. (There are posters around stating that “aggressive staring” is an offence - this is missing the point, I know.)

For many people who use the tube regularly, it’s natural to be defensive if someone speaks to them unexpectedly, because it’s what distraction thieves and beggars do: many people have trained themselves not to look up at all if someone speaks to them, or when the beggars and buskers start their patter. I think people tend to ignore each other more when the Tube is busy, if only because it’s noisy and it can be difficult to hear.

I think some people are worried they might be met with abuse if they ask.

I get that people are buried in their phones and trying to stay in their own bubble, but I think anyone sat in a priority seat who shouldn't be, does need to keep an eye on who's coming through the doors so they can move if they need to.

Moving for pregnant women is a bit trickier though, nobody wants to assume and get it wrong! Can't say I'd be looking for that badge, and you'd have to be super close before I'd be able to read what it says.