Why don't people just ask for a seat on the train/tube?

[coverp]

Pregnant with DC3, regular commuter (London) on both the train and the tube.

Have just heard from a friend (pregnant with first DC) that she sat in the aisle on the train today as no one offered her a seat even though she had her badge on.

I asked why she didn't just ask someone for a seat - she was shocked and said 'you can't do that!'.

Am I missing something? If I've felt like I needed to sit (usually in first trimester more so than later on, but am now hitting the point where I may need to start again) - I just edge towards a pair or group of priority seats and ask 'Would someone mind letting me sit please?'.

I've probably done this 50+ times over 3 pregnancies and never once not have someone stand up for me with good grace. I avoid people who visibly can't stand easily themselves, and take the approach that it's unlikely that in a group of 6-8 people that every one of them has a hidden disability that makes it hard for them to stand.

Am I breaking some sort of unwritten rule by just using my words to ask? If so, it's probably too late as this is the last baby and I only have a few more weeks to commute, but I guess I'd like to know anyway!

You are not breaking any unwritten rule to ask, though you are in the minority by doing so.

Talking on the Underground is genuinely only something that happens if someone brings a well behaved dog with them in my recent experience.

YANBU at all to do this, but I can also understand that your friend may find it difficult if she is a shy, non confrontational person.

Sounds like your friend was too shy ti ask. In 20 years of taking the tube almost daily I only had to ask once, in early pregnancy when I didn’t have a badge on. Felt dizzy and faint and asked a man if I could have his seat. He leapt up with no complaint and even offered me his water.

I am 12 weeks and haven’t done this so far as someone has offered, there has been a free seat or I’ve only been going a short way.

If I felt like I absolutely needed one though (and would be sitting on floor otherwise), I’d ask. I prefer not to if I just feel a seat would be helpful.

My husband has a medical condition. He asks and nobody begrudges him.

That said, he uses a white stick, and usually people offer

YANBU, but then, I'm not from That London.

My London-dwelling friends seem to regard speaking to someone on public transport as unthinkable as blowing your nose on their shirt.

It's a good 20 years since I was pregnant and commuting by train. Very few people (by that, read one person, once) would offer a seat. If I asked, they would usually be shamed into giving up their seat but with as much bad grace as they could possibly muster.

p.s. what is this 'badge' you all talk of?

I was always offered a seat when pregnant. Never had to ask.

I used to see a man get on the Tube with a stick and obvious difficulty walking. He would just say "any chance of a seat?" and he always got one. Made me realize that it was okay to ask if necessary!

Yanbu, although I was always offered a seat and never had to ask. The entire carriage won't be filled with people who might refuse, so chances are someone most likely will give up their seat.

Yes, I always asked if I felt I needed one. I can see why people find it hard to do, but I think it's a good fear to overcome if you need it.

An adult with a young ish boy asked the other morning, the boy had got on and instantly started screaming. She announced to the carriage, in an excellent MN teacher voice, "could anyone give up their seat for an autistic child who finds crowds overwhelming, please?" 3 of us jumped up. Londoners are generally nicer than our reputation, I think! Most people just keep their heads firmly in the direction of their book/feet/phone (and hope someone else will offer).

I do see people regularly offering seats to people with a badge. I think the tube might be a better for that than trains, maybe because people are often going shorter distances on the tube (not always, but more likely than a commuter train)

I didn’t think you were being unreasonable until I saw you yourself have asked 50+- i only would ask if I was feeling fairly rough because people have had a rough day at work or whatever/have been on their feet and they deserve a seat too!!!

I take the tube/bus regularly during the day with my kids and 8/10 people offer them their seat. When I was pregnant with them and wore my badge, I was usually offered a seat too. My older daughter and I always offer our seat if someone gets on who needs it more than us. We also regularly end up having conversations with people. We're probably the only people where we live who still thanks the driver when we get on and off though.

after I nearly fainted on the tube five months pregnant, I have learned to ask. I always asked people in the priority seats if they needed the seat themselves and nobody ever said yes. You have to ask, nobody is looking around if there is a poorly pregnant lady needing a seat. People are busy and look at their phones. It’s ridiculous to wait around and potentially be ill because nobody offered.

I always wore a badge too but people don’t notice.

I frequently ask people to give up a seat if I'm with my disabled mum

@stayathomer If you do the maths, it's not a lot. 3x pregnancies, c.70 weeks commuting whilst pregnant so far (including allowing for holidays etc). Average of 4 days a week, four times a day (train and tube each way) is 1,120 journeys. So my guess of 50-60 asks represents about 5% of journeys.

You can order a badge. It's in the same vein as the one you get given in Japan if you're booked in over there. In London you have to live within a certain distance of London to get it and it says "baby on board".

It's not as clear as the Japanese one, fades easily into clothes, and requires people to actually look at you to spot it (at which point they'd probably see you were pregnant anyway) so it's a bit pointless IME.

In Japan there are stickers on the trains showing which seats are priority seats for pregnant women with a picture of the badge on the sticker so people can put two and two together. Their badge is very visual so requires no knowledge of the language to understand it. The UK badge is just words so again not as helpful.

I think you get them from TFL website and you have to pay for them.

I just wore my Japanese one in London and I think I got the message across better TBH because I never struggled for a seat.

I used to commute on the Central line in my first pregnancy. I had no qualms at all about asking for a seat and people would always oblige. Why wouldn’t you?!

I commuted on the T (Boston) when I was pregnant with my second, and found asking in a charming British accent to be even more effective.

Similarly, my autistic son has been offered a seat on multiple occasions when he’s been struggling. To be fair, he gets into the Central Line wearing ear defenders and hood and immediately closes his eyes, so he’s not exactly subtle, bless him. The Elizabeth line has been a godsend!

I remember once being on a tube with my Mum, she was in her mid 70s, not frail or anything but it was at the end of a long journey and she was seriously flagging. There were no seats and it was packed, plus we were surrounded by suitcases from a large family group heading to Heathrow. I just felt it was safer for her to be sat down, as every time the doors opened hordes of people got on and off pushing past her. I called over to the group of four men (all different ages) sitting nearest to where she was stood and said ‘which one of you kind gentlemen would be so very gracious in offering your seat to my poor old Mum over there’. You could have heard a pin drop in the suddenly silent carriage as they all sat hoping their neighbour would be the one. As it happened, it was the teenage daughter of the travelling family (a few seats further along) who piped up and beckoned her over to sit down.

People are mental. They won't make the most basic requests in public, and they're horrified if anyone else does. I've seen people standing on buses while people keep seats blocked with bags or by sitting in the outside seat, and nobody acknowledges the madness. If its me I just say excuse me, can I sit there please? Which has not resulted in death yet but other people look away sharply.

Last night there were five empty seats on the bus but nobody could get on because a woman had stopped at the door, blocking the view and making everyone think the bus was full. I said 'there's five empty seats up here' in a MN voice and I have never seen such horrified faces. Actual fear.

I always asked when needed. I had a noticeable bump but I think people either don’t notice or are embarrassed to offer somehow. I can’t imagine taking offence myself but equally, I guess you can’t assume every pregnant woman wants to sit down. I think it’s pretty common for people not to ask - a train conductor once gave me a lecture before I got on the train about not standing, said I should go and find the ticket collector if I couldn’t get a seat and they’d sort me out, and I just remember being mildly confused as surely I’d just ask someone sat in one of the priority seats! But I guess people don’t.

Completely fine and sensible to ask. You have no idea if the people in the priority seats need them as much or more than you do, or just parked themselves for a bit while they were free, and asking flags that you need one. Also commuters are so zoned out on the tube that someone could be on fire and half the carriage wouldn't notice. So they might have not offered not out of rudeness but just from general oblivion.
And selfishly, you asking stops well meaning people offering those of us who carry a lot of weight on their tummies and are prone to bloating 'a seat because you're pregnant'. No, mate, not pregnant, just a bit fat with IBS and now mortified!

I've been pregnant twice whilst needing to commute to central London in rush hour (train and tube).

In my experience many people don't pay attention, are listening to music or on phones, sleeping etc. Sometimes I would 'ask' out loud towards a section and someone would usually offer. Other times other people standing would make a fuss for me as well!

(I myself have a hidden disability and would never assume so would try not to single a person out)

When pregnant I just asked who was sitting in the priority seat and always was offered the seat in good grace. In December travelling with my DM who really couldn't stand i asked a man sitting in the priority seat if he was unable to stand or if he was able to offer the seat to my DM and he jumped up immediately. As soon as you have done it once it becomes easier!