How could we have aged so much in 5 years?

[Obsessedwiththisseries]

Dh and I are both 45, I got pregnant at age 39 after years of infertility. We travelled lots, went to festivals, were full of everything and looked great.
Fast forward to now, we’re tired, just all the time, we usually have some complaints…aching all over, feeling unwell etc etc. He’s aged looks wise quite a lot, but I’m worse, I have grey hairs, when I had zero, even two years ago, puffy eyes all over, I look terrible and feel terrible physically.
We love our life with Dd and have what should be an amazing, beautiful life…
Looking back at even age 41 feels like another person, a young person, one who had energy, rarely felt ill and looked pretty good in general.
How is this possible

The consensus on the thread seems to be:

• parenting ages you
• everything goes to shit in your 40s whether or not you have children

So isn’t that an argument for not having babies until your 40s when you’ve got nothing to lose? 😁

I had my only child when I was 36. I looked perfectly fine until I turned 45. I gained loads of weight around my middle almost overnight. I have spots (never had spots, even as a teenager!). My eyesight has become crap. My hair is dry and frizzy. I have aching joints snd wake up every day at 4 a.m.

I am assuming perimenopause is causing this general collapse.

I would think I had written this, except that I did have lots of acne in my teens and twenties.

I don’t recognise this thing of parenting ageing you at all. I looked my absolute best at 40 (then had 4 children under 10). I was happy with my looks until post menopause when they definitely faded and keeping fit and slim has required a huge effort.

I didn’t notice any friends or family visibly ageing after having children either.

It prob is your age but it could be early menopause ? Worth a check up and blood test to rule anemia etc

I felt like this for years but in January stopped drinking altogether, ate more healthily and walked 2 miles a day and feel so much better!! I have 3 kids so know what it's like but definitely feel like it's made a difference.

So what if you have grey hairs op ? You know if they really bother you get hair done or do box dye you’ll feel better

listen , you will look back at 50 thinking you looked great right now . Enjoy every single year and be present you are still young in your 40s .

you sound tired and fed up and hormones don’t help either do they as we enter into permenapuase .

Try to think of everything you gained for what you lost and even that op is replaceable I bet you still look good - chin up chuck live your best life

Do you exercise regularly, drink, smoke? Do you eat properly? Sleep well? You really need to be looking after yourself now. Its not too late. I was in the best shape ever aged 50. You can do it

Oh I hear you. Try having a baby at 46! I was in my prime during my late 30’s and early 40’s and prided myself on being a bit glam, but after 4 miscarriages, a 4 stone weight gain, a strong willed child that just wouldn’t go to sleep until 10pm from the age of 3 (and she’s now 8!), juggling struggling businesses, a lot of financial stress with a bit of long Covid thrown in, medical issues and the decline and eventual death of my beloved mother, I look in the mirror and don’t know what happened to me 😂 Honestly, those Facebook memories that pop up from my single days where my skin glowed and I had a defined jaw line don’t do much for my self esteem. Oh, and I forgot to mention the joys of menopause at the end of it all 🤪😂 It’s a good thing we love our children!

I didn’t notice any friends or family visibly ageing after having children either.

That's coz it's hogwash that having babies ages you. 😆 A myth (very likely concocted by child free people) that has no bearing in real life. And the 'scientific study' that proved it, was very likely based on 300 women! Did this scientific study look at the billions of women who have had babies - ever? Of course not. How ridiculous. 😂How ludicrous to make a blanket statement that 'having children automatically ages you!'

As I said, I know women (who have had children,) who look younger than their age, and women (who haven't had children,) who look older than their age. And most women just look roughly their age.

Like you, my DC were 14-15 and I was mid to late 40s before I started to look my age and not 7-8 years younger as I had since my mid 20s! And that is because I was middle aged/approaching menopause, not because I had had kids 15 years ago! 😆 As I said, I looked 7-8 years younger than my age right up to my mid-late 40s, despite having kids in my very early 30s.

@Lakelandmumofthree · Today 19:50

I felt like this for years but in January stopped drinking altogether, ate more healthily and walked 2 miles a day and feel so much better!! I have 3 kids so know what it's like but definitely feel like it's made a difference.

Just what I was saying earlier. What your lifestyle is like, and the way you treat yourself/your body will either age you, or keep you looking young and fresh for a few more years! Yes maybe women who find parenthood hard and stressful may look several years older than they would have done had they not had kids.

But then a woman of the same age with an equal amount of stress in their lives (caused by something else,) will also look several years older! It's stress, unhealthy living, being overweight, smoking, too much booze, and financial worries that ages people, not having children!

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and your miscarriages and the hard time you have had. But having a child is NOT the reason you have aged.

'weight gain, juggling struggling businesses, a lot of financial stress - with a bit of long Covid thrown in, medical issues, and the decline and eventual death of my beloved mother....menopause...'

THOSE are the reasons you have aged/look older than you are. Having a child isn't the reason!

/

It doesn't have to no!!!! I had my fourth child at 41 on my own as I had been for quite a number of years. You have one child. I suggest both you and hubby have an MOT at the doctor's then really look at your lifestyle and if necessary give it a complete overhaul.

Well I think the Childfree women I know in their 40's and 50's all look amazing so I'd say if you want to keep your looks don't have kids! Having said that as much as I don't especially like what I see in the mirror I do love being a mum!

All the childfree women I know in their 40s and 50s look exactly the same as the ones who have had children.

Does anyone wonder if environment makes a difference. Living in a city compared to living in the countryside/village/coastal area?

I don't know, I looked okayish in my child's early years (mid 30s but could pass for mid 20s) but the stress of COVID, lack of moving from WFH, family illness, and the world right now and I look visible older than the beginning of 2020. It looks like darkness has entered my eyes and I just look puffy and haggard. I think these last few years have been hard on a few of us and it's not just because of the kids.

Life is not a straight upward curve. Your life goes up and down like a curved graph. It will get better and you will feel better and look younger and better! Take it from someone who is now in her sixties. Take care.

I think it’s lifestyle too. I know some parents that look amazing for their age! I met a 45 year old with a 6 year old and I thought she was my age at the time (late 20s) - I do not know what her secret was but she was happy and smiley.

I also think it’s how your body deals with stress, how active you are, water, sleep etc and so much of that goes down the drain when you are a parent (as opposed to being a parent itself). Any form of stress seems to accelerate aging (look at presidents and prime ministers before and after).

I had my DD at 20, I look back at those pics and honestly I look worse! Dressed badly, looked older and I would say I look better now in my 30s.

Also if I think about my mum whose in her mid 50s, she went through a 10 year period of looking older as there was lots going on, and recently decided to do regular walks, excercise, has more of a social life and seems to be glowing.

Slowly introducing time for yourself and pin pointing stressful areas could help?

I wonder if it is the sleep deprivation associated with having a baby and the constant demands of meeting the needs of a vulnerable human being that is the aging factor.

I worked in nursery from my early 20’s. I remember a coworker (who was the kindergarten teacher), his wife had a baby and he had a couple of weeks of paternity leave.

Before the birth of his baby he had loads of energy with the kids and looked fresh and youthful. When he came back from paternity leave he looked absolutely shattered. He said that he didn’t know what tired was until he and his wife had a baby. Being so young I didn’t fully understand how. Many years later when I had my baby, I knew exactly what he meant.

I think that is what people usually mean when they say that having children aged them. It is well documented that sleep deprivation has a negative impact on our physical health. And many of us just don’t have the kind of support that allows us to catch up on sleep and some r&r.

Also, nursery/childcare, teaching, nursing are all industries that have high rates of burnout.

Caring for others constantly and not getting enough breaks to recharge does take it’s toll.

Well in my circles the childfree women look substantially younger, as was said elsewhere motherhood, pregnancy and giving birth literally shortens your telomeres and ages you on a cellular level.

This reminds me of my form tutor when I was at school. I was elated to get him as a form tutor when I started in year 7 as he was known as the fun/cool teacher full of energy - and he was! Then his wife had a baby when I was in year 9 and he came back from paternity leave a different person. I now understand how all-consuming those first couple of years with a baby are but at the time we were all so confused. His hair went grey within a year too!

I used to look forever 25 until I had a baby, now people ask if I’m the grandmother. This child has aged me like no amount of stress ever did.

But why is this surprising. You are 45, you've had your baby at an older age. This is what aging is.

I'm about the same age as you... But my DC are late teens. I think it's partly an age thing anyway but it IS exhausting having a smallbee and trying to keep up. I definitely had a lot more energy than I do now before DC and I definitely needed it when I had DC. It does get better as they get older. Sadly I think the grey hair and lines are just an age thing...

because you are both approaching 50. You in particular will change a lot when your estrogen drops to nil.