Aibu to not let him dress like a girl?

[Cccc412]

Lo is 11 and has ASD (not sure if that's relevant). He's told me he is trans, wants me to buy him dresses, make up, hair extensions etc. This is the first time he has come out and said it although he has made comments about girls clothing being better etc over the past year so I had a feeling this was coming. Not sure how to approach this. My worry is if I do allow him to dress like a girl he will get picked on, he already struggles socially and has been bullied in the past. Also if this is just a phase and he changes his mind, people will not forget and he will have to live with that. Also he will be starting secondary school in September which will be a really tough transition for him. With his ASD he tends to become fixated/obsessed with a topic for months but then it's forgotten about and hes onto the next thing so wondering is this just the latest obsession. Just wondering what others would do if their 11 year old told them they where trans or if anyone else has been in this situation? Aibu to not let him dress as a girl?

@trippily Suicide rates among trans youth is so high.

That is an absolute lie! A myth. Repeated by manipulative trans activists who lie and distort. And it is a very harmful lie that causes a lot of damage. Not least because it actual promotes Suicide Ideation. It is very dangerous of you to promote this lie. Most suicides are actually post-op. Trans youth have low rates of suicide. https://www.transgendertrend.com/the-suicide-myth/

There isn't.

No, I'm totally with you there.

The idea that allowing him to wear PJs designed for girls will destroy his entire life is laughable at best.

I was simply agreeing with that suggestion as a means of gathering information on what to do next - the fact that he's autistic adds a wrinkle to the usual questions, because his thought processes in arriving at this conclusion are not necessarily what would be expected.

My entire point, I guess, is that ascertaining why he wants to do this is the single most important thing to do at this point, rather than just a flat "nope" and projecting personal or political biases onto him.

So...the suggestion of getting him homewear designed for girls is a logical first step in my opinion - not to make it shameful, just a "let's try this, then" in an environment where he won't be subject to other people's influence (positive or negative).

I have a 10 year old son with asd. He goes through phases of wearing makeup, wanting high heels, having manicures, dying his (extremely long) hair pink etc.

He isn’t, and doesn’t think of himself as in any way trans, or girly or feminine.

I’ve always dealt with it by very clearly explaining that all things are for all people- there is no ‘for girls’ or ‘for boys’, there is only affordable, comfortable, appropriate (ie a coat in the rain, no high heels for 9 year olds) and whether he likes it.

He wears clothes from the boys or girls or women’s section as he likes- although he hasn’t ever shown interest in wearing skirts/dresses.

Have you explained that wanting to wear these clothes doesn’t make him trans or a girl- just a boy who likes what he likes? That is the important message.

Hey,

just wanted to reach out as I have an 11 year old who is trans. Was male now presenting female. But my child has been talking about this for years and since starting secondary in September is a full time female.
it’s difficult to know what to do when they are still very young but all
advice I received from professionals is to let them be who they want to be and be there for support. There is a lot of help out there for parents and children 😊

This, and the rest of @Mary1234567's posts make the most sense here although I wouldn't say rigid - I'd say love categories/classifications, and patterns, and structure. As she says I'd try to broaden his ideas of what girls and boys do, and dress like

I'd tell him that he can wear what he wants, enjoy what he wants, like and later love who he wants, but that he's irrefutably a boy.

But it's ok, because boys can enjoy cooking and hate football and wear pink and it doesn't make them not boys.

A family member went through this with her (SEN) son a bit older. Took him to Primark and let him buy a few bits of clothes and make-up to experiment with at home, which he did for a while and then lost interest in. 4 or 5 years later it turns out he's straight, masculine, and thrives working in an industry he loves that leans a bit more to the feminine.

This.

But don't go down the pronouns rabbit hole.

No I simply wouldn't allow this. He is a boy not a girl. Children need to be guided by people who hopefully know best. But perhaps allow him to wear a few girly things and hope he grows out of it like others have suggested. On the whole this is not a good thing but how to deal with it is difficult.

@ntmdino yep, that makes perfect sense to me. I suppose my situation was easier cos the clothes came first at a very young age, so we'd already broken that line of thinking before it even developed.

@Cccc412 just to say also, my son has never had any negative reactions from his peers- a few questions and quizzical looks, but nothing that has ever upset him. I taught him to smile and say ‘because I like it’ if people ask why he is wearing xyz, and kids generally accept that which is presented to them with confidence and self assurance.

Life is 'easier' for girls?! That made me gasp out loud. You really need to nip this in the bud and set him straight. Life is far harder for girls than it is boys. It sounds like he is not actually trans, he is just misogynistic and thinks girls have it easy and he sticks to stereotypes. Like 99% who say they are trans. It's all about misogynistic stereotypes, not truly actually feeling you are a different sex. Please tell him he is not trans, but he can wear dresses around the house if he wants to. But that's all. And please have a long talk and set his misogynistic ideals of girls and women straight, before he has done too much damage to himself and other girls.

Could you let him wear girly clothes etc at home?

He is an autistic child who probably doesn't have huge experience of life - hardly misogynistic!

Yes. A boy might just like pink, or want to try on a dress or two (like my small boy), and I think it’s a really good idea to let them have flexibility and challenge the stereotypes. There was another thread here suggesting that a boy with long hair was bound to get comments... If we challenged that enough and supported individual children expressing themselves as they liked I think we’d be really doing them a favour.
I don’t doubt some people are trans and I accept and support people who’ve come to that conclusion. But colour and hobby preferences shouldn’t be reasons to think that you can’t possibly be the right sex/gender.

Have you explained to him the physical reality of being a girl. Periods, pain , fluctuating hormones. The male gaze. That as a woman you’re always too fat or too thin or your beasts are too big or too small.

It’s not about play acting with makeup & ling hair. He can still have those things as a boy.

It doesn’t make him a girl. He can never be a girl.

This is social contagion, probably picked it up on social media if he has a phone or access to youtube/tik tok... Absolutely don't let him, there's plenty of people who are "detransing" and regret to have permanently mutilated their bodies

Getting involved with some of the "charities" and other organisations "skilled in this area" is the entrance to the rabbit hole. Their raison d'etre is to transition children and any attempt to help children think otherwise they call "aversion therapy".

I have a young trans relative. They are fortunate in that they do have a partner, also trans. They are less fortunate in that their (same sex) partner is unable to work full time and they are also being to suffer health issues from the medication they take. They are both still young, the health problems can only get worse. Both are probably sterile.

Transition damages physical health. If they take puberty blockers there may be a drop in IQ. There is conflicting evidence on the risk of suicide, some that shows those who take puberty blockers have a higher suicide risk. Much of the so called "research" is actually so badly carried out that propaganda is a more accurate description. Always consider carefully who is funding it. Males who take puberty blockers will not grow a large enough penis to make a neo vagina and if they want one will need to have it made from some other body part, often the colon. That will not increase the number of people who will consider sex with them.

Transitioning a child is not something anyone should undertake - or support - lightly, yet fools do. Good advice was offered upthread on where to seek help. I'll quote it.

"I would recommend two places for support - Bayswater Support is for parents of kids who think they're trans, but won't push the narrative that they must transition on you.
https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Stella O'Malley is a psychotherapist who does some great work in this area. Look her up or contact her and see if she can put you in touch with a therapist near you who will help your son explore what is actually going on here, rather than push a trans identity on him.

Her organisation Genspect has lots of resources for parents:https://genspect.org/support/support-for-parents-and-relatives/

She co-authored a book that came out last year, "When Kids Say They're Trans: A guide for thoughtful parents" that I think you would find useful.

https://amzn.eu/d/hcw2k7I?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 "

Try to find out who is putting these ideas into your son's head as he is being influenced. Watch Masterchef and cook with him. Show him the English football team and talk about how successful they were. Let him grow his hair but tell him no 11 year old should have hair extensions and make up at school, he can try make up at home if he wishes. Explain that life as a girl is not easier, tall about periods, childbirth, sex discrimination, male violence. Ask where he got the idea it would be easier.

Honestly this is a really hard situation to be in and know what the best/right thing to do is… my best friend (since 11 years old) is transgender and has been presenting as female since we were 14, on the other hand my brother (16) has autism so I can see it from both perspectives.

In terms of my best friend, her parents tried to stifle it as particularly back then, it was not as acceptable as it is today, and this had horrible effects on my friend, and she made attempts on her life at a very young age because of it. My friend is now in her 30s and had the full surgeries etc and has never looked back, therefore it certainly wasn’t a phase. I knew her as her previous self and her current self and honestly I don’t see her as anything other than a woman.

on the other hand, if my autistic brother were to say this to me I would have reservations as I know he often does/says things that he gets a temporary attachment to and then changes his mind in a few weeks/months. He cycles between being straight/bisexual every few weeks although he has never shown any interest in boys. We just let him know it doesn’t matter to us what he feels he is and we love him either way and it’s ok to change his mind if he feels that way.

I don’t think there is a wrong/right answer.

Plenty of studies have been done, medical and social "transitions" doesn't decrease suicide rates. Telling parents that if they don't allow their kids to "transition" will kill them is a cruel and dangerous lie

Have you read Time To Think by Hannah Barnes?

It shows how many professionals have been captured by ideology and are not promoting evidence based medicine.

Heck, the entire GIDs service is being closed down as it got it so wrong.

I would strongly suggest doing your own research rather than simply trusting professionals in this area. Speak to parent support groups that won't push the idea that being trans is simply an option that children can choose to be "their true selves" as this is not an evidence based approach and can lead to great harm if they end up going down the medical route.

Bayswater Support is an excellent organisation for parents.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

My son went through this ‘stage’ buying wigs off the internet and dressing up. I let him get on with it. It lasted about 6 weeks and all of a sudden it stopped. I tried not to make a big thing of it. Now he is gay man and proud of it it 🥰

So he doesn't really want to be a girl-just thinks that as he doesn't enjoy stereotypical boy things then he isn't a boy?

I wish that being a woman automatically made you a good cook!

What ever happened to cross dressing? A desire to take on the appearance of opposite sex doesn't mean that the individual 'he' should start to be called a 'she' or vice versa.
That first reply - it says everything that's wrong for me at the moment. Of course nurture difference and choices, but don't immediately jump in making assumptions that could change a child's life.
My best friends are a couple who, from what she says, have a 'full' life together. Two children. He's a cross dresser and comfortably hints at that in his everyday appearance. He is not gay though, and he doesn't claim to be a woman.