Aibu to not let him dress like a girl?

[Cccc412]

Lo is 11 and has ASD (not sure if that's relevant). He's told me he is trans, wants me to buy him dresses, make up, hair extensions etc. This is the first time he has come out and said it although he has made comments about girls clothing being better etc over the past year so I had a feeling this was coming. Not sure how to approach this. My worry is if I do allow him to dress like a girl he will get picked on, he already struggles socially and has been bullied in the past. Also if this is just a phase and he changes his mind, people will not forget and he will have to live with that. Also he will be starting secondary school in September which will be a really tough transition for him. With his ASD he tends to become fixated/obsessed with a topic for months but then it's forgotten about and hes onto the next thing so wondering is this just the latest obsession. Just wondering what others would do if their 11 year old told them they where trans or if anyone else has been in this situation? Aibu to not let him dress as a girl?

Absolutely no evidence to support the suicide myth - only two very flawed studies using self selected respondents of which only 27 were under 26yo. The results of this study were massively misrepresented by Mermaids to put fear into parents of children like mine and OP.

The Cass Report makes clear that affirming is not a neutral act and that an exploratory, holistic, approach to children questioning their gender identity - especially where there are factors such as ASD - is crucial. With children with ASD it is easy for them to become entrenched in a belief, especially if it garners social acceptance.

OP Do not take advice from here, but contact an open-minded exploratory therapist and discuss your concerns and approach with them. Transgender Trend has a list of such therapists and forums to connect with other parents navigating this.

Personally took a neutral approach for 6yrs with mine - whilst all around her were affirming. It took several OD’s/self harming (and still not been seen by the Tavistock) before she worked out at 18 that she just felt vulnerable as a girl and was gay. She has lost 2 years of her education and is really angry that she was not offered balanced, immediate support, rather than affirmed and left to languish on a wait list without any therapy or support. We are closer than ever now [actually always close, even when she was railing against me for not affirming], but in hindsight I would never have allowed her to change her name etc.

Could you buy him a few bits for home like PJ's or a dressing gown that's girly and see how that goes? No need to jump straight in with makeup and hair extensions. 11 is very young. That way it would stop the idea from being forbidden and he might get bored of it eventually. It'll also be a good way to explain that a lot of girls and women don't want or need makeup/hair extensions.

Sorry, OP. This is a tricky one for you. I did see a speech by Ethan/Emily (I hope that's right) it was very powerful and sad.

Could you get a few cheap female oriented items (second hand even) and let him 'experiment' at home? Make it clear that this will be a big noticeable change to everyone around him, people WILL notice and comment, and suggest that he decides whether he does in fact feel more comfortable this way indoors before venturing outside for the world to see? Not to hide it, but for him to try it out. It is quite possible it is some sort of thing he's latched on to, and it isn't really how he will feel long term, but I agree with others that banning it completely will not help the issue?

Yes. I think with society being so pressurising around these issues, it’s easy to suddenly realise that under the guise of trans they are asking for something you wouldn’t let a child of either gender do. I would not allow hair extensions, make- up ( except lip gloss, mostly for chapped lip purposes) or piercings at this age.

And actually I still don’t have piercings or hair extensions now …

The kid has been hit by the child groomer trans activist brigade. Do not indulge it. He will grow out of it.

Unbelievable.

Proof, if ever it was needed, that this trans trend is basically a perpetuation of gender roles and nothing to do with people wanting to be a different sex or gender. That and child groomers using it to get children.

Or, as @Cccc412 says, he has heard it somewhere and has latched on to the idea, as he has a tendency to become obsessed with things?

Yes I thought pyjamas etc might be a good idea. Or even a couple of outings ( far away!) where he can try it out. But as others have said genuine trans is a hugely complicated issue that he needs professional support with before you let him set off too far down that route. Sadly for people with genuine issues it has been ( perhaps well-meaningly) hijacked and derailed by popular culture at present, trying to add legitimacy around the issues but ironically complicating and depleting the legitimacy.

That's not general proof at all - it's what might be happening in this scenario, maybe in some other scenarios, but probably not in every case!

What is BOY behaviour?

You can be against transitioning but this just reeks of sexism.

Dressing like a girl would be remembered by classmates, and cause stress forever

But this is part of the problem, isn't it? It still feeds into the idea that being a girl is shameful & weak but being a boy is desirable & strong. Yes ppl will remember for a bit but that's their problem, not his. Wearing clothes doesn't make anyone anything & we don't look at girls in jeans & think they are dressing like a boy.

It's far healthier to teach that doing/wearing things that don't fit with rigid stereotypes is normal & fine. It's the idea that it ISN'T fine that's helped us get into this mess. Adults trying to 'fix' their broken boys who want break to out of the blue/pink boxes. And in some cases make sure they aren't gay.

We had a phrase for all our boys & it was 'the ONLY things for girls are bras & sanitary towels' & it applied to everything. Of our 3 boys it was only in the nature of one of them to fully embrace this in his choices. The other two would just never question or judge someone else based on those stereotypes.

Behave like a boy means pee standing up
Anything else anyone ?

Knickers!!? 😳They might not be well designed for the job! Agree the pjs etc but I think knickers and bikini might be my last items to suggest. ( I do get the under clothes aspect).

Or

1. He's not actually trans, but after socially transitioning he gets fixated on being trans and goes through with blockers, hormones and medical transition. Ths blockers stunt his intellectual development as well as his sexual development, and he ends up as a sterile adult with multiple health issues including pain and incontinence. He never develops into a sexually mature adult - no sex drive or adult male genitals, instead a surgical wound that he must work to keep open on the off chance that he finds someone who wants to have sex with someone who can derive no or very little sexual pleasure from it.

"Few downsides" is hugely dangerous advice.

Please go read the Cass Report. Social transitioning is not a neutral act.

Agree

Urgently overload him with interesting activities, so he would choose a hobby that would consume him. Try maths, physics, chemistry, languages first. Then try gymnastics, hockey, ice hockey, chess, judo, etc. You are bound to find something that he would love. He would also be brilliant at it, if he finds something he really loves. When he will be really busy with his new hobby, he will have no time for idiotic idle thoughts of rivalling God and changing genders. Please please please don't destroy your child by buying him dresses. Basically, if he is so busy and productive, all he would think of is a healthy uninterrupted sleep when he comes home, he would have no energy for nonsense.

If he's autistic that will result in burnout. She needs one carefully chosen activity, at his level of social interaction to hyperfix on and take the place of woo.
Most importantly though, you need to see where this is coming from. I would be very surprised if it's not the internet.

I guess you didn't read the whole quote chain, then. At no point did I suggest socially transitioning, I was seconding the idea of buying him the kind of clothes that can only be worn at home, in order to gain more information on what's going on in his head while minimising external influence.

Caerulea, yes, it's true that the only thing just for girls are sanitary products and bras.
I was thinking about dressing in the girls' school uniform and going to school as a girl, really, and how that could prove difficult to come back from when he lost interest in being a girl.
Never does dressing like a girl mean weak or less than. Girls are strong. But dressing like a girl (school uniform) does send a message that he is a girl. Nothing wrong with being a girl except when you really are not/don't know/ want to go back to being a boy etc.
I was suggesting to follow school rules for boys.
I actually agree that boys can wear pink etc pink, no kids using hair dye, piercings (under age 16) and that decorative clothing is not an indication of being anything at all.

Not in some parts of Germany.......may I introduce you to the 'Sitzpinkler'.
Actually, it isn't just Germany but it's apparently more common there.

The term can be used in a derogatory way, to suggest a 'wimp', but also literally means sitting down to pee, and is used in reference to (biological) males.

OP he seems to have a notion that pink is somehow a girls’ colour. Why not take him to some very traditional mens clothing stores ( Jermyn street would go the trick!) and let him see very traditional men’s styles in this colour ( shirts , socks, pullovers etc) . He probably won’t want them ( and if he does they aren’t too controversial) but it might help unlock the gender stereotypes notion around certain colours etc being for girls. Ironically, deep in the heart of traditional conservatism in clothing he may find there is more freedom than he realises!

@ntmdino @falalalalalalalallama

Out of curiosity, what do you define as social transitioning? Cos it should be changing name & pronouns.

Just wearing clothes whilst retaining your name & accepting your sex isn't social transitioning. No one thinks a girl wearing a hoody & jeans is socially transitioning.

Confining any behaviour to the house, out of sight, creates shame & in this case the shame of doing 'girly' things - the logical extension of that is that being a girl is shameful when you're obviously a boy.

It's far far better to try & instill confidence in their decisions. They want to wear a fitted t-shirt from the girls section? Fine. Someone will point it out, teach them how to deal with that. Prepare them for other people's ignorance but make it clear it's not their responsibility. They want to wear a t-shirt dress to go out, fine. Ppl will look but again, not his problem - theirs.

No doubt everyone will be here in a minute to tell you all trans people are evil calculating rapists

You know,m @trippily, when I first stumbled across this debate a decade ago, it was realizing that your side was consistently lying about what the other side was saying, like you are here, that helped to convince me that it was the other side that was right.

I expect no one will agree with me, but I doubt he is really wanting to be a girl and this is just a phase pre puberty.

I'd ignore it and say, no, I won't buy you those things.

The number of people who are genuinely trans is minute and the fact he is ASD would make me question his desire to change.