Aibu to not let him dress like a girl?

[Cccc412]

Lo is 11 and has ASD (not sure if that's relevant). He's told me he is trans, wants me to buy him dresses, make up, hair extensions etc. This is the first time he has come out and said it although he has made comments about girls clothing being better etc over the past year so I had a feeling this was coming. Not sure how to approach this. My worry is if I do allow him to dress like a girl he will get picked on, he already struggles socially and has been bullied in the past. Also if this is just a phase and he changes his mind, people will not forget and he will have to live with that. Also he will be starting secondary school in September which will be a really tough transition for him. With his ASD he tends to become fixated/obsessed with a topic for months but then it's forgotten about and hes onto the next thing so wondering is this just the latest obsession. Just wondering what others would do if their 11 year old told them they where trans or if anyone else has been in this situation? Aibu to not let him dress as a girl?

I would make it a priority to find out who/what is filling his head with this crap at such a young age and remove that.

Than as others have said, tell him he's a boy and wearing a dress won't change that. Same as if a girl wears his clothes.

Most 11 year old girls don't dress in particularly stereotypically female clothes. Most wear trainers, leggings or jeans and a hoody in grey and black.

Being trans is just about a clothes fetish in most cases which is why trans women want to wear clothes that make them look like drag queens.

I'd get your child off the Internet and get him out of the house.

Hair extensions are not what 11 year old girls wear anyway op.

The incidence of teens claiming they are 'trans' is much higher than average amongst autistic youth.

Also very sceptical about the solution to autistic traits and not relating to their own body or others seems to be set them down a path that ends in sterilisation.
Sounds like eugenics to me.
No matter how much you paint it up as benign rainbow sparkles.

I don’t think the charities are a good place to look.

mermaids? Stonewall? Both scandal ridden…

From what you’ve said he isn’t trans, he’s a cross dresser. Trans people aren’t simply trans because they like women’s clothes. Lots of male cross dressers who prefer to dress in woman’s clothes and firmly believe they’re still males.

It might also be worth spending some time explaining and exploring what autism is and how it affects how his brain works. Help him to understand that it makes him think differently than other boys do, but that he also thinks differently than the girls do. Brains aren't binary. They aren't "male" or "female". They are unique to each individual.

I let my 14yo son wear nail varnish, have long hair, pick some girls clothing (t-shirts and shorts) from when he was young. we have has long talks about sex and gender. it is definitely being pushed at school but he knows i think its stupid, regressive, homophobic & sexist

Get him therapy,.remove social media look upntrans gender trend they have sjpport for parents and speak the genspect and I think there are other groups for parents that are not trams affirming.

Also meany 11 year old girls do not have makeup and most do not have extensions and most do not wear dresses so he does not need theee to express femininity

I haven't equated autism with being trans at all, and I haven't said anything about it being good or not. Please read exactly what I said without putting your own spin on it. EDIT: Oh, and in this interests of accuracy, you know what your autism feels like. Not his.

The point is that life is hard for him, he sees people treating girls nicer than he's being treated, and he's drawn the conclusion that life is easier that way, so why not be one? It's nothing to do with being "set straight" on gender politics, it's about him and his experience. So, if OP lets him wear girls' clothes, one of five things will happen:

1 - He discovers that life isn't actually easier when dressing as a girl.

2 - He doesn't like it and stops.

3 - It's one of the temporary fixations OP mentions, and it just naturally goes away as he loses interest.

4 - He is actually trans, and he sticks with it.

5 - Turns out he just likes girls' clothes, and wears them occasionally.

There are few downsides, really - OP needs more information on what's going on in his head, and this is the only reasonable way to get it without external influence.

And yes, I'm diagnosed autistic. I'm making no judgement at all here, on the basis that I know a number of trans autistic people and the misdiagnosis rate is around 50% amongst them.

Transgender trend are.good

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if he wants to experiment with clothes etc. It's just clothes and he should be able to express himself as he wishes if it's age appropriate. As pp have said hard no to hair extensions though.

I'd be strongly challenging any claims he's making that certain things are for girls/boys. Introduce him to awesome androgenous celebs eg Pink/David Bowie, to male chefs, to female footballers etc

He's 10. This crap shouldn't even be filling his head. He should be out exploring the world and expressing himself like a child.

Find out whatever platform is making him obsessed with this issue, remove it and spend time with him appreciating what really matters in the world.

He's only 11. I'd wonder where he'd learned the word "trans". I've got a nephew that age and he is completely oblivious to this stuff.

At 11 there doesn't have to be a massive difference between typical boys clothing and girls. Lots of girls wear sports wear very similar to boys.

I'd suggest neutrality and don't play to gender stereotypes. Do not affirm this- this is a pre pubertal, ND child!

Allow/buy some more neutral wardrobe items but really challenge gender stereotypes as to what he thinks females can do/wear that he can't. Gently remind him that the biological side can only be changed cosmetically and his chromosomes will be XY for life.

What is trans. Baring in mind gender dysphoria is denied to be trans by stonewall and co and neither are stereotypes.

If you can come up with a logical explanation of trans that doesn't resort to these I'll accept there are 'trans children '.
The fact that you think there are means you are uneducated on the subject and shouldn't be advising anyone.

My DD is 13 and prefers to dress in boys clothes. She has short hair and a very androgynous figure so she looks “boyish”. We buy her clothes (cargo shorts, trousers etc..) from the boys section (they are better material and pockets than the girls anyway!)

I know she flirts with the trans label in school and she has also made reference to girlfriends rather than boyfriends but she may well grow out of it. She’s not alone at school nor is she bullied.

Perhaps let your son grow his hair out and choose more feminine t-shirts etc.. He can look more “girl” without going drastic and looking drag!

Children who think they’re a different sex aren’t ’evil calculating rapists’ they are however vulnerable groomed children.
That suicide claim is untrue and dangerous- a myth circulated by useful idiots and those with an agenda.
@Cccc412 I’d restrict and monitor social media and encourage real life activities and friendships. Don’t go head to head.

This. And have a look at the controversy over what happened at the Tavistock. Children have been used as an affirmation tool by powerful men. Affirmation is not the positive tool some naive pp suggest. Personally I'd work on undoing the rigid ideas about clothing and presentation that your son has. Try and help him see that men can wear make up. Also, consider whether he might be gay and ensure the messages about being gay are positive. If he reads, get him and age appropriate book with a gay male protagonist around his age. Stay away from places like mermaids and make sure he's not accessing such extremist organisations himself.

He’s unlikely to find life easier as trans. Also I imagine that most of the girls in school are wearing trousers in this weather, so easy enough to point them out.

I grew up in the 70s/80s so have shown my DC pictures of the bands around then - New Romantics with boys wearing more makeup than the girls. And all the rock bands where the men have long hair (even if they were mullets). Just to show he can dress/look how he likes without changing gender.

Christ this sums it up doesn't it!? 'dress like a girl' is such total nonsense. Dress like yourself. There's no such thing as 'girl clothes' or 'girl colours,' it's just BS.

There's no hope is there? If this is how we talk and think and assume is healthy and normal. Nails, hair, pink jeggings. No.

I just read a whole thread on a woman getting chemical burns trying to remove public hair before giving birth. I mean, what the actual hell. Such dangerous gendered guff full of expectation and bias it's pushed by everyone. I'm so disappointed.

When people label long hair as girls and short as boys, and bully them if they don't conform
When people take offence at being called a man if they are a woman

Then the world is putting nonsensical rules around living and making sex to be way more important than it really should be and restricting how people express themselves and their personality

The more we can beak free of those conventions the better for all of us

There should be a charity you can reach out to that will be able to support this. We have two locally. I think this is a really hard situation OP and I would encourage you to find other people who have walked in your shoes.

At my DS school one of his peers identified from boy to girl (apologies for clumsy wording). I did a bit of reading mostly of families who shared their own journeys. I found the kids were fine it was the parents who were not.

You are smart to note that your LO swaps focus and becomes interested in something then forgets about it.
Dressing like a girl would be remembered by classmates, and cause stress forever.

He can be whom ever he likes but he doesn't have to dress in girls' clothing and be visible and vulnerable. Invlove him in getting his new uniform and choose definite boy and unisex items - he needs to blend in very well as his behaviour is likely to have him stick out like a sore thumb and that is enough.
Do not create drama or hardship. He is eleven.

Also focus on something else - completely unrelated to being a girl - and help him develop skills in that area. Does he like Chess, tennis, collecting Pokemon cards, certain runners or hair products, surfing, book series etc. Gently sway his attention to other positive areas that could help him make friends with others who like the same things. Help him not live completely introspectively.

Would he enjoy making up packs for homeless people?
Would he like to join the local brass band? - his value is so much more than just whether he wishes to be a girl right now.

If he still wants to be a girl when he is eighteen he will be old enough to decide without school yard banter and he will also be skilled up in areas that make his life joyful.

Just to clarify, are you saying “her” because dc has asked to wear girls’ clothing?

I’m genuinely not sure of what any of this means. My understanding is that children and young adults do not view things with a binary gender perspective. As is frequently the case with these matters, it’s the parents that need educating.

I wonder if some cases of this are really a desire for nice clothes rather than feminine clothes specifically. Let's face it most men, and especially boys, dress like slobs. Maybe introducing him to attractive examples of male clothing might be helpful for him?