Aibu to not let him dress like a girl?

[Cccc412]

Lo is 11 and has ASD (not sure if that's relevant). He's told me he is trans, wants me to buy him dresses, make up, hair extensions etc. This is the first time he has come out and said it although he has made comments about girls clothing being better etc over the past year so I had a feeling this was coming. Not sure how to approach this. My worry is if I do allow him to dress like a girl he will get picked on, he already struggles socially and has been bullied in the past. Also if this is just a phase and he changes his mind, people will not forget and he will have to live with that. Also he will be starting secondary school in September which will be a really tough transition for him. With his ASD he tends to become fixated/obsessed with a topic for months but then it's forgotten about and hes onto the next thing so wondering is this just the latest obsession. Just wondering what others would do if their 11 year old told them they where trans or if anyone else has been in this situation? Aibu to not let him dress as a girl?

Could you approach this a slightly different way? Show him non gender conforming males (David Bowie for example) and talk about how everyone is different and individuality is good. I’d find out what appeals to him and explain how boys can love pink, cooking and any other hobbies he has.

Very gently, OP, I wonder if his feelings may be partly based on his statements that 'girls have it easier, people are nicer to girls' and so on.
There seems to be a bit of sexism in his thinking. I'd start with that -- telling him very firmly that while boys and girls can have a hard time going through puberty and adolescence, it is absolutely not true that girls have it easier. Quite the reverse.
Boys are just not subject to the same amount of unwanted attention from the other sex as girls are, from boys and even grown men -- i think we can see an example of that from the increased numbers of young girls wanting to identify away from their own sex. Social pressures are also a factor and I would argue that these can be more intense for girls too. To be beautiful, nice, compliant, popular and just to conform is so hard.
I can well remember being shocked and highly uncomfortable from the ages of 12 to 13 by inappropriate remarks and attention from men in my father's age bracket. Not just from older teens or men in their early 20s. And I'm sure I'm not alone in that. I can't think boys get the same degree or type of unwanted attention.
I think some men feel that young teenagers, mostly girls, are fair game. Moreover, some men are simply predators. The fear of actual sexual assault is very real.
True, boys may be targeted by paedophiles but men who go after young teenage girls are not generally considered as such, certainly not by other men! (Unless it's their own daughters who are targeted.)
Big conversations about feminism and social pressures may be needed.

I would inform him that girls his age do not wear makeup outside of their house and the same rule will apply to him.

I agree with this, and this is something you should say to your son! I agree with it being much more exciting if you forbid it, and given his obsessions due to his ASD, chances are it will pass.

I would buy him a few bits of clothing that he picks, but no to everything else, based on the fact that they are expensive, and not really 11yo appropriate. Self expression though clothing and fashion is really good for kids I think.

The problem is real transgenderism is actually so rare! But how do you distinguish from someone who is genuinely transgender from someone who is just confused? If he's never felt like this before... I would say he could be going down a slippery path.. Obviously you know him better than I do.

Yanbu he can do whatever he likes at 18

I am going to keep this short if you do not support your child you will not have a son you will not have a daughter you will have no one. The best case is they run away but more likely they will join one of the 400 or so trans people to die per year. start by doing the little things like using her correct pronouns. help her find gender-affirming healthcare fyi puberty blockers are 100% reversible and HRT is extremely reusable puberty is not and I have to live with the damage from going through male puberty for the rest of my life. FYI I have specialist mental health training for gender diverse people I am also a trans MTF myself.

I’d agree with pp’s who said you need to explain to him that nobody can change sex, but that doesn’t mean you can’t wear something a bit different from the other boys (although at 11, most of the girls will be wearing tee shirts & joggers/leggings - so quite similar to the boys!)

I’d also agree that you need to put some major controls in place re what he’s looking at on the internet, and check carefully what he’s being taught in school. This whole subject can be very difficult for ASD kids - but focusing on what binary sex actually means (bodies follow one of two developmental pathways etc) can give them some hard facts to hang on to!

Scaremongering

Or is this something that should be reported as misinformation?

You don't need to lie to people that they are something they are not, that there is anything wrong or unusual about them for rejecting gender norms

You just need to make sure they know the difference between society rules , societal fashions and real biological differences

Rules - people should not be bullied for what they wear
Fashion - long hair is girls
Biology - girls get pregnant boys don't

Oh, and to balance Lexblip’s doom laden post, when teenagers declaring a trans identity are not affirmed more that 80% of them desist. I’ve never seen any data which shows kids who aren't affirmed have a higher suicide rate than their cohort.

Lexblip if you have studies to back up your claims please do link; otherwise stop trying to terrify Cccc412

This is incredibly dangerous advice. Do you want to quote a reliable statistic for your “400 trans suicides” statistics?

‘I don't think we should be equating a child who likes the fashions for the opposite sex, or thinks it might be quite nice to be the opposite sex, with people who feel they need to radically alter their bodies.’
That was precisely part of my point. A child can like the fashions of opposite sex and have non typical tastes without their gender being an issue and I don’t think there should be any assumption that ‘feminine’ tastes mean a child is not really a boy.

Where we differ is that I am not going to tell someone they are wrong if they have at length reached the conclusion that their assigned gender was never who they really were. I’ll accept the identity they present. I don’t understand that experience and I’m not an authority on their identity. So I don’t share the view that anyone who identifies as something other than their biological sex is mistaken.

You have had some good advice op. Be very careful with professionals who have an affirmative agenda. I have spent 7 years in this rabbit hole and if I could give you one bit of advice never use the word trans. Your son is male, clothes are clothes and a trans life is very lonely in my experience. ASD children seek their tribe and girls are often kinder. I have a number of ASD relatives and friends are usually girls. I also have DC who for many years have felt a different gender.
The Internet has been a big part of this. Suicide threats come later with requests for surgery. I have fought a long battle with people who would have operated on my DC for their own agenda.
I care not what clothes my DC wear but I've always said you are sending out messages, people will tease or assume you are gay. If you can handle that then fine. They are an adult so this is appropriate. Be vigilant and I recommend vintage clothes as they are more fun to collect.
As an aside my very tall, very masculine son wears pink and had a dolls house.

Wow, are you still peddling this emotional blackmail at parents?

This is dangerous nonsense. It's utterly irresponsible to push the suicide myth and simply not true. Labelling a group.as likely to commit suicide makes them more likely to commit suicide though (as the Samaritans advise journalists) so please, if you care about these kids, just stop it.

Puberty blockers are absolutely not reversible. That phrase was nonsense from the gender ideologues, not based on any fact.

Puberty blockers do what they say on the tin, they pause puberty. Very few (as 1% or less) come off them and go back to their original gender. Almost all go on to cross sex hormones.

This regime can prevent children from ever developing into sexually mature adults.

It also causes brittle bones, it looks like it lowers IQ to mention just 2 of a plethora of heath risks.

And what of the child, who had their development arrested? They see all their friends maturing into sexually aware young people, interested in the opposite, or the same sex. And they're left behind, still with a child"s view of the world. How is that going to help a child who's already struggling with their identity?

Blockers were only ever an experiment, designed to give children time to think, with the idea that this would allow clinicians to be able to identify the very small number who - if not medicated - persist in saying they're trans after puberty. For most, puberty is effectively a cure for their distress around gender.

But the experiment failed. The blockers, rather than identifying this small cohort - have turned out to be a pathway to transition that's very difficult indeed to stop, and is pushing an entire cohort of gender questioning children onto a medical pathway they needn't be on.

You should be relieved you were able to go through puberty with your bone, sex drive and brain development not stunted. Thank goodness you have the IQ you have and strong bones too, they're pretty useful, and that you (I assume) have a sex drive, are able to orgasm and able to have adult sexual relationships, unlike many who took blockers as kids, who simply will never be able to have a fully functional adult sexual relationship.

Please read Time to Think by Hannah Barnes and get yourself up to date with the latest evidence. You have likely been lied to by advocacy groups who are not giving you the facts.

Read up on the link between ASD and misdiagnosis as trans.

I have an autistic son slightly older and another somewhat individual son around the same age as OPs.

They do wear "girls" clothes. In reality that's soft fluffy jumpers (sensory need) and a brighter range of sports wear than the "boys" ranges of sludge colour. I never shoped exclusively in the "boys" aisles and they've just ended up with a broader range of colours of t-shirts/ trousers/ legging etc. They also wear sludge colours and gaming themed t-shirts.

I never did pigeon hole too much by gender. They like having longer hair; they choose to have it longer. Both do "unisex" sports like karate, swimming and running. DS2 plays football; DS1 has no interest after a brief dabble. Sporting/ physical outlets are healthy for children of both sexes.

They're both confident to be boys that aren't neat slots into restrictive clichés and to explore their own interests. It's not that deep for us. Now DS1 is at secondary, he's occasionally asked if he's trans. There are trans children out there, but the current culture is very quick to politicise children's interests and preferences and that makes it harder to drop phases when they pass. Giving children some space to explore within safe and easily reversible boundaries benefits them. Most of the time it's restrictive gender clichés that are the issue at that age. Sometimes fear of puberty. When neurodiversity is in the equation, gender is a symbol of socially struggling to fit, particularly if clichés of the opposite gender are appealling. But it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the child's mind, personality or body.

Give a little within boundaries. "Girls' clothes" =/= dresses or skirts and can be more subtle. Hair can be grown longer and cut if wanted. Nails can be painted, and polish taken off but I'd say no to anything further at this age for either sex because of damage to the nails.
Keep the boundaries practical.
Keep an eye on his media consumption, and develop his interests with positive role models.

'Life is easier for girls' 🤦‍♀️😂😂

I wish.

Maybe just have a chat that not all boys like football and it's fine to be a boy and like cooking, pink etc just like it's fine to be a girl and hate pink but love football (like my dd!)

Please ignore @Lexblip 's incredible dangerous and non scientific post.

I agree - big No to make up and hair-extensions

But maybe a couple of outfits for home only? And more gender neutral ones for outside?

And professional advice? (Not Stonewall or Mermaids!)

I wouldn't let him. He'll be a massive target for bullies and this will be more detrimental to his mental health than anything else.

Could he maybe wear 'girls clothes' at home and boys everywhere else?

This. Being autistic feels very much on the outside of society. In a world where activities and clothing are gendered, not being like the other girls because of being autistic feels very much like not being a girl "under the hood". Source: I am autistic.

It's important to safeguard children, and autistic children in particular because autistic people are vulnerable, from rushing into changes that may be hard to reverse. Humans want to resolve distress ASAP but rushing into something, like a social transition, means not taking the time to think carefully about it. It's worth your son learning distress tolerance because it will buy him time to think and evaluate.

@BogRollBOGOF's post is absolutely on point.

His eyes might tell him something different.

It’s neither, and both, surely?

Its not at all, and explicitly so when it comes to clinical need. There's a noted connection between ASD and gender diversity, so an understanding of that connection is important when it comes to meeting the clinical needs of a person.
There are diagnostic disorders in the DSM for example which encompass 'gender diverse' practices (ie dressing in women's clothing) but the person isn't transgender (ie they still identify as the sex they were born).

@Lexblip What you are saying is irresponsible and dangerous. And false! Stop weaponising suicide and promoting Suicide Ideation. I can tell you're MtF because threatening suicide is SUCH a toxic male trait. Any male who doesn't get what he wants (or wife threatens to leave him) threatens suicide. It's Male Pattern Aggression and TW retain that toxic Male Pattern Aggression. Trans suicide side is rare, not common despite the myths and lies. How about OP would rather have an alive son than a castrated and infertile child? You are also deeply ill-informed, research (which is why NHS is stopping, as well as Sweden, Norway, and Netherlands) shows puberty blockers are irreversible, cause sterility, osteoporisis, inorgasmia etc etc. They are DANGEROUS which is why they are not recommended by the FDA in America for transgender, and why they are no longer being routinely given out for transgender in the countries above I noted.