Aibu to not let him dress like a girl?

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Lo is 11 and has ASD (not sure if that's relevant). He's told me he is trans, wants me to buy him dresses, make up, hair extensions etc. This is the first time he has come out and said it although he has made comments about girls clothing being better etc over the past year so I had a feeling this was coming. Not sure how to approach this. My worry is if I do allow him to dress like a girl he will get picked on, he already struggles socially and has been bullied in the past. Also if this is just a phase and he changes his mind, people will not forget and he will have to live with that. Also he will be starting secondary school in September which will be a really tough transition for him. With his ASD he tends to become fixated/obsessed with a topic for months but then it's forgotten about and hes onto the next thing so wondering is this just the latest obsession. Just wondering what others would do if their 11 year old told them they where trans or if anyone else has been in this situation? Aibu to not let him dress as a girl?

"She"? Oh come on.

HE is an 11 year old boy who would like to experiment with girls clothes. That does NOT make him trans, and who are you to make that assumption anyway?His mother, who gave birth to a boy, has referred to him as a boy. Have some respect and stop trying to peddle your own agenda by trying to decide what pronouns a complete stranger should be using.

Do not speak to the ASD team, they will insist you immediately buy your son clothes that will make him look like a miniature drag queen. They will not be at all unbiased and will give you dreadful advice.

Obviously one of the features of ASD is that children see things in black and white and if your DS doesn't like typically masculine things (possibly even doesn't like just one of them, or isn't as advanced in "liking girls" as his classmates) he will think this makes him "not a boy".

I would allow him to wear what he wants from the things he already has and see if he wants to pick out some more - well, gender expansive? clothing e.g. floral shirts, pink jeans?

If it's a sensory thing (not liking haircuts, feeling school trousers are too tight) look for manly pony tails, joggers etc.

And firmly explain about the difference between men and women is biological, go over the science, explain how you can be into makeup and be male, show him 1980s pop stars.

Do not give in to the suicide myths from him or from social media, or the ASD team.

Do you have a partner? / does he have older siblings / grandparents
If so have you discussed this with any them. What would they say if wore girls clothes ? School is important obviously but what would other family think if you let him go ahead with dressing as a girl ?

I wouldn't let him. I'd just ignore it, until he becomes fixated on something else. He'll get bullied over it, and it's not worth it.

What do you mean by some people are trans? Born in the wrong body? Nobody is born in the wrong body.

Some people have gender dysphoria, which seems to mainly be a negative reaction to gender stereotyping. Some of those people are repelled by their bodies and feel the need to remove or alter body parts. This is similar to a condition called body identity integrity disorder in which people desire the removal of one or more limbs.

I don't think we should be equating a child who likes the fashions for the opposite sex, or thinks it might be quite nice to be the opposite sex, with people who feel they need to radically alter their bodies.

No child is transsexual.

I would get him some bits he likes but have a very clear conversation that clothes are clothes they are not boy/girl. Boys can wear dresses if they wish but are and will always be male

Funny you should mention Harry Styles! I agree he is great fun in the way he plays with gender stereotypes and I applaud him for it. But what always amuses me is, handsome guy ( very handsome guy) that he is, he nonetheless somehow can’t get it convincing. It’s as if the more feminine the outfit, the more it underlines his basic masculinity. I’m not entirely sure if it is actually half intentional or if he’s really doing his best. Anyway, his best didn’t-quite-pull-it-off-but- how-cool- anyway outfit has to be that boa feather fur coat he wore performing with Lizzo. He looks like Big Bird’s watermelon-hued cousin. But he’s mixing it up and he’s pretty 😎

Asides from using male single-sex spaces and staying out of female spaces, what does "behave as a boy" mean?

Sorry you're having to deal with this. Some other parents in your position have found this group helpful.
https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Honestly I’m astounded by some of these batshit replies! People are forgetting at the centre of this debate is a child. A child who is struggling, who confused, who needs support love and a mum who they can open up to. Don’t force them to regress and internalise their struggles, the fact they have managed to verbalise what they think they feel to you is amazing and hold on to that. You need to nurture their emotional health , don’t come down hard don’t push them away. Don’t force anything either way. Just listen, follow their lead and gently guide. It’s not wrong to have open conversation’s and question their logic, but do it while being open. Unpick it together and always be available.

He needs help unpicking it all, it’s not about whether or not people believe in sex or gender. It’s fucking irrelevant it’s about supporting an emotionally and socially vulnerable child at a critical time. To push away your preteen by saying what they think and feel is wrong, is to push your preteen away, make them feel unloved and isolated and will only reaffirm their feelings that they don’t fit in this world. And what will happen then ? They will seek this else where and go down a rabbit hole and find this in people who don’t have their best interest’s at heart. That’s dangerous!

I can guarantee you now op the people who are saying you should tell him he is boy end of story, have no real life experience in this department - and if they do I can bet they have very unhappy children. I’ll say it again don’t encourage him, just follow his lead, you don’t need to do anything except listen , to him love him not matter what and gently guide by setting some boundaries. That’s okay! Even children who arn’t struggling with their identity need boundaries around what’s appropriate and what’s not. For example, my youngest daughter isn’t allowed nail extensions or fake eyelashes because she is 11 not 15.

I’d also get some counselling for your son, I’d avoid the ones specifically aimed at gender identity struggles I don’t think that is necessarily important. I got my child some through a young people’s mental health charity, just gives them another chance to talk about their feelings without judgement. Good luck OP.

Makeup and hair extensions aren't age-appropriate, but I would let him wear whatever clothes he wants to wear, and grow his hair if he wants to.

Clothes won't make your child trans. Put it this way, there are many butch lesbians with strong GC views who dress in very masculine clothes who would feel extremely uncomfortable and unhappy if they had to wear pretty dresses every day. Maybe your child feels the same about having to dress in 'boys' clothes. Setting aside the fact that he says he is trans - he may be, he may not, and there is no gender-related medical treatment he can really have while he's school age anyway so it's kind of a moot point - he should be allowed to wear whatever style of clothes he prefers. They're just clothes.

The man who colours my hair for me at my local salon frequently wears dresses and skirts and always has makeup on. He isn't trans. He is a gay man with an extravagantly styled moustache and a goatee beard. Sometimes he wears trousers, sometimes he wears dresses or skirts, sometimes he wears a mix of masculine and feminine clothes. He always looks amazing and he would not look or feel like himself if he was wearing jeans and a polo shirt. Maybe your child is the same. Or maybe when he's an adult he'll transition, who knows? But if he does, it won't be because he wore a dress when he was 11.

I have a girl of a similar age - and wouldn't go out to buy her make-up, hair extensions, new dresses ect if she came home and asked for it.

I would try to not make a big deal of it and maybe suggest if he wants new clothes ect he needs to save up, if it's his own money and he needs to wait to save when he get's to the point of having the money he may be more interested in buying other things - hopefully would also avoid them suggesting you are not being supportive ect as generally kids wouldn't immediately get new clothes if they have some that fit and are in good condition

Top male chefs include Gordon Ramsey and Jamie Oliver. No doubt you can think of others.

Many men are not interested in football. I work with some.

Pink used to be the boys' colour as it was a toned-down red. Blue was for girls, reflecting the traditional christian iconography of Mary in her cloak of blue. All children wore dresses until boys were "breeched".

Being sexually assaulted at age eight was not easy. Show him some figures about wage gaps and who the majority of rape victims are. This "girls have it easier" narrative makes me think that he's been exposed to the manosphere online. Supervise his internet use, don't rely on parental control apps because kids teach each other how to bypass them.

I don’t think he is trying to look like a woman- he is a man wearing clothes that he likes, so he looks like a man wearing clothes that he likes.

He said that life is easier for girls

Wait til he hears about periods, hormonal imbalances, pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum recovery, and menopause, then. 😳

Yes I agree. But most guys would just look as guy-ish as usual ( as you say, a man in women’s clothes), maybe less. I’m not sure how he achieves the more masculine bit. Anyway, he’s still making his point which is fundamentally:why not?

I cant find now, but there is a gif somewhere of a boy saying to his mum "Mummy I think I'm a girl", the mother saying "well you're not" and just getting on with her day. That would be my approach, with a couple of added sentences. Well, you're not a girl. You're a boy. You can wear what you like but some people are going to tease you if you wear dresses to school, so it's best not to do that. You can be behave how you like as long as you are polite and considerate to other people, and you can play whatever sport and games you want and do what you want in your career because there are no activities or jobs that are "for girls" or "for boys". Now, what do you want for supper?

Wait till he hears about sexism, harassment, sexual violence, domestic violence, gender pay gaps...

"Life is easier for girls" 😂scrippsnews.com/stories/man-tweets-about-experience-signing-work-email-as-woman/

@emilysquest quite! Those were just a few off the top of my head 😂

Suicide rates among trans youth is so high.

Got a reliable source for that very emotive and hyperbolic statement?

I think ASD probably is relevant and if you have support for that can you talk to them about this development and get some advice.

I don’t envy you and can offer no advice on what is the right course of action. However I would keep in mind that he probably feels different because of his ASD and is probably looking for answers / a solution to this feeling.

Why are you referring to him as ‘she’ ?

@mummy21blueeyed please drop that book down the back of the bookshelf ASAP!

OP: there is good information here:
https://www.transgendertrend.com/autism-gender-identity-introduction/

Get your terminology right.

Dresses and skirts are not "girls" clothes. They are clothes. If they belong to a boy then they are a boy's clothes.

I would say yes you can wear a skirt, but you have to understand that wearing a skirt doesn't mean you are wearing girls clothes, you are wearing your own clothes and every cell in your body contains DNA that says you are a boy. You do not have to follow any sexist stereotype rules that say boys have to have short hair and wear trousers, you can wear whatever you like and have your hair however you like so long as you are neat and presentable, but you can't change reality.