That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment?

[mrsfinch6]

Dropping DS5 and DS3 off at nursery this morning when the nursery manager took me aside and wanted to “discuss an incident that happened yesterday” I was a bit confused because when I had collected them both the day before everything was fine.

The “incident” was that there is a little boy at nursery with shoulder length, curly blonde hair, and DS3 has been calling him a girl.

The parent of this child went into nursery this morning to report to the staff that my DS was calling him a girl. The nursery manager wanted my assurances that I would be firm with DS at home and have “the conversation” regarding this.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

Why "quite rightly believes"?
My DD has short hair. Had it all cut off at 16. She has a girl friend who has a shaved head and several others who have pixie cuts. When I went to school in the 90s there were stacks of girls with short hair -I'd post the school photo if it wasn't so identifying. Counting now there are also 6 boys with long hair, two with dreadlocks. It's not a new thing.

@mrsfinch6 You say"He is a very young child who 'quite rightly' thinks that boys have short hair and girls have long hair."
What that actual fuck is 'quite right' about thinking that? Blimey love, do yourself a favour and educate your child.

1/10

You say that you believe in sex and not gender - presumably because you have hopelessly misunderstood what being gender critical means. You are displaying views entirely based around gender norms, not sex characteristics and, by allowing and encouraging your child to do the same, are encouraging real and dangerous bigotry against both boys and girls. You say your child 'quite rightly' thinks girls have long hair and boys short - how is that 'right'?

The parents of the other boy did exactly the right thing by telling nursery staff their child is upset/bothered by your child’s behaviour. These are very young children, they can’t sort it out for themselves they need adults to step in and sort it out.

I agree it’s to be expected that children (and stupid adults in some cases) would pass comment on a boy with long hair but it’s our job as parents to point out to our children to teach them that personal comments about other people’s appearance can hurt their feelings and they need to pack it in.

OP, you might want to reflect on the fact that if we combat gender stereotyping, a group of men might not feel the need to call themselves women because they want to do/wear stereotypical "womanly" things.

He's not a bully

He is a very young child who (quite rightly) thinks that boys have short hair and girls have long hair.

Quite rightly? Ahhhh, I see. The apple falls not far from the tree.

FYI if you don't tell him to stop bullying this other little boy, you are 100% going to be the parent called into school every couple of weeks because your little prince is being a horrible little shit to multiple children.

If you teach him (by not correcting him!) that its ok to tease someone because they do not conform to YOUR version of what they should look like, then well done! You are raising a next generation arsehole.
Good luck with that.

Personally I would feel like a total failure to be the parent of THAT child that everyone hates.
But crack on. You seem adamant you don't need to correct him. Please let us know in 10 years time how that's all going.

He is a very young child who (quite rightly) thinks that boys have short hair and girls have long hair

Yet, you haven’t explained why it is that he ‘quite rightly’ thinks that. As that’s not something 3yo’s ‘quite rightly’ think unless they have been raised incorrectly to that point.

@mrsfinch6 ah a bridge dweller then

Back to your question OP, it’s not unreasonable to report to the nursery. The mum may not know who you are and based on your responses, you may not be open to the idea that your son is in the wrong.
Did he know that X is a boy? Does he now accept that some boys have long hair?
Hair is not an identity issue imo. It’s something we choose for practical or aesthetic reasons and that’s fine.
When your son says stuff like “girls wear dresses” do you challenge him? Assuming that he’s seen you in trousers, have you tried asking him if you’re a boy when you put on some trousers? Might make him think

It isn't 'quite right' that boys have short hair and girls have long hair though.

Lots of girls have short hair, lots of boys have long hair.

I'm firmly in the sex is real, you were born female and cannot change to be male camp, but clothes, hair and other aesthetics don't change your sex, they are just expressions of personality.

You need to speak to your son and explain that being called a girl is upsetting the little boy at nursery, that they boys hair is just hair and he likes it long but having long hair doesn't make him a girl.

He will certainly become a bully if you don't nip it in the bud now

Its not quite rightly. People can have whatever hair cut they want regardless of sex or gender

wow - and people wonder why some kids turn into nasty bullies.

the haircut isn’t really the issue- you think it’s ok for a 3 year old to be rude and nasty to his play mates? Wow

and the parents haven’t reported it to the police- they’ve asked the nursery to help deal with it as it’s obviously upset their child. Nothing over the top about that. Your kid won’t get sent to prison.

YABU I would not want to my 3yo to be called names at nursery and it baffles me that the the parent of the name-calling child agrees with their child!! I would definitely speak to the nursery if my 3yo was coming home upset at repeatedly being called names by another child. It is so important to teach children not to bully other children by simply explaining ‘x is a boy not a girl, some boys have long hair, please do not call him a girl because he is a boy and this makes him feel sad’.
Regardless of the hair length (not really relevant) it is still not ok for a child to call another child names and should be supported by their parent to treat people much better than this.

Gender stereotypes are very 1950s.

🙄🙄🙄

1/10 for effort

YABVU. Your child wasn't 'passing comment', he was teasing and bullying another child about his appearance and calling him a girl. Clearly the other child was upset to be called a girl when he is not.

however I do believe in sex not gender

So fucking what? Neither sex nor gender has anything to with a child's hairstyle, and in any case, this is a male child asking to be referred to as male, so if you believe in sex rather than gender you're completely contradicting yourself by suggesting that it's OK for a male child to be referred to as a girl because they have long hair.

Sounds more like what you believe in is actually sexism, not sex.

Also, if you think long hair on a little boy is unusual or weird, where have you been living for the past thirty years? Under a rock? In a weird Christian Fundamentalist cult in Arkansas?

And why does it matter that his long hair is blonde? You think hair colour is sex/gender-related too? Christ alive.

🦈. Assume you are looking for TRA fodder?

My daughter has short hair, she wouldn't care if someone made a mistake and called her a boy. She would get quite upset if someone repeatedly used it to tease her.
The parents and the nursery are doing nothing wrong. Your DS needs to stop calling him a girl. Even though he is young, he needs to learn to be kind and not to call people names.

Is your child using 'girl' as an insult (yes, 3 year olds can do that)?

Because yes, commonly boys have short and girls long hair, but it's not compulsory, it's not 'the natural order' - it's just preference, and this particular boy has long hair.

Just tell your child that this is a boy with long hair, because boys can have long hair and girls can have short hair. Just like I did with my (long-haired) boy when he tried to tell me that pink was for girls and blue was for boys (he'd previously been of the opinion that pink was the best colour, until starting a new school), and I asked him why, and when he said it just was, I pointed to my blue jumper and jeans and said don't be silly, all colours are for everyone.

I get why your DS might be confused. But maybe a quick chat tonight ‘some boys have long hair and that’s ok’ might help clear things up for him? Then you can tell nursery you’ve had a chat to him.

Yabvu

How do children learn if we dont teach them

Someone somewhere has told him that only girls have long hair

Have you travelled from the 1950s?