That if your male child has shoulder length hair it's reasonable to expect other kids will pass comment?

[mrsfinch6]

Dropping DS5 and DS3 off at nursery this morning when the nursery manager took me aside and wanted to “discuss an incident that happened yesterday” I was a bit confused because when I had collected them both the day before everything was fine.

The “incident” was that there is a little boy at nursery with shoulder length, curly blonde hair, and DS3 has been calling him a girl.

The parent of this child went into nursery this morning to report to the staff that my DS was calling him a girl. The nursery manager wanted my assurances that I would be firm with DS at home and have “the conversation” regarding this.

AIBU to say that if you have a 4 year old male child with long blonde hair that it is realistic to expect that other children in that age group will pass comment?

DS3 is very much of the opinion that “pink is for girls, blue is for boys, girls wear dresses and boys wear trousers etc” he only likes typical boys toys, whereas DS5 is a bit less bothered, he picked a pink scooter and is partial to a unicorn, I don’t encourage or discourage either way, however I do believe in sex not gender and whilst I appreciate there are a multitude of reasons why this child has long hair, I don’t think it’s my 3 year olds issue tbh

They are very young kids and yes I have spoken to him and reiterated that we don’t tease other kids and that it’s not kind to pass comment on others appearance but honestly? Reporting it to the nursery? Talk about extreme.

"Passing comment" would be your DS saying (once) "why have you got long hair if you're a boy?" or "your hair is very long for a boy".

Those are the kind of questions and comments that come from young, inquisitive minds that are still learning about the world. They'd ideally be answered by the adult in charge at the time who'd respond with something along the lines of "Not all boys have short hair and not all girls have long hair. Our differences make us unique and special. I think Tommy's long hair is lovely".

What your DS is doing is teasing and being mean to another child about something that makes him "different". It's an opportunity for you to teach your little boy to be a better and more accepting, kind person.

BTW: I'm GC and have a 10 year old DS with shoulder length blonde hair. He's the handsomest boy in his class (probably his school IMO) and I'd have done exactly the same as the parent you're criticising.

Im thinking it’s not your child’s fault but yourself. Boys are blue and girls are pink at 3 is something he’s inherited from you or those near him. Maybe bring your child up believing less in stereotypes

YABU

My DS has waist length hair. The only kids who have ever felt the need to 'comment' on it were the nasty little shits who grew up to be nasty big shits.

Yes you are being massively unreasonable .

I still stand by my original statement that if a 4 year old child has shoulder length, curly blonde hair then it is to be expected that other children in that age group will pass comment.
YABU my 3 year old does not give a fiddler's fart about other children's hairstyles. And as much as I love the bones off him, he isn't perfect either.

Oh I’m sorry, Is he behind in general? I can see why you’re struggling to educate him on such a topic if you’re not particularly aware or capable yourself. Hope you expand your knowledge OP. It’ll help you in this world

@mrsfinch6 When you were ( allegedly) having a conversation with your child about how Sikh men wear their hair, did it not occur to you to mention that it is also acceptable for any man, women or child to have long hair?

Nobody is saying that their children are perfect. They are saying that when their children are unkind to another kid, they accept that their child was wrong rather than suggesting that their child's bad behaviour was actually fine because the other kid doesn't look the way you think you should. You literally said in your follow-up post that your son 'quite rightly' believes boys have short hair and girls have long hair and that boys with long hair should expect to be called girls. It's not your kid people have an issue with, it's you, because you're endorsing his behaviour and his factually incorrect assumptions on hair.

What is this "quite rightly" ridiculousness? Hair length and fashions are all arbitrarily determined at particular points in history. If you think that boys necessarily have short hair, take a look at portraits from the 17th century (including the kings Charles I and II!) or revisit Woodstock. If you think girls have long hair, look at women's hair fashions of the 1920's. My first ever boyfriend, back in the day (1970's), had hair that was longer than mine at that point!

Is not your 3 year old’s fault op, it’s yours. They are a product of their sexist upbringing.

I think you've done everything right.

If he was persistently teasing, that's different. But it was a one off comment which could have just been corrected there and then in nursery. No need to raise it as a big concern with parents.

Kids pick up ideas from all kinds of places. I’m very relaxed and have explained many times to my DDs that people can dress how they like and choose how they want to look and we shouldn’t judge anybody for how they look or how they have chosen to wear their hair or clothes. However wider society isn’t like that, and I have had to explain several times to my 4 year old that Daddy’s friend isn’t ’half boy half girl’ even though he has long hair. She doesn’t believe me. So if your DS is doing it by accident all you can do is reinforce at home and use it as a teaching point that we should respect how people want to present themselves, but it may take a while for him to get his head round it, as he will have formed quite strong ideas about how to categorise people into different genders already and it can take a while to change that. That’s not your doing particularly, it’s just how young children build a picture of the world around them. If he’s doing it to pick on the other boy however then yes you need to talk about how it’s wrong to make fun of people for how they look.

I think you need to treat it as a wider issue — you don’t comment on anyone’s appearance or say anything to their face. I’m sure you’d deem it unacceptable for your ds to call out a child or adult who is different in any way —- scarred, a wheelchair user, blind and so on. So start with this nursery issue.

It would be easier if all children had buzz cuts until they could be trusted not to wear their food/paint/glue/glitter.

@mrsfinch6 some people on this page are themselves showing bullying behaviour. One of my nephews has beautiful long curly blonde hair and indeed looks very like my own daughter, which my own kids have often commented on to me. I am (and they are now)old enough to know the difference but I can’t believe a 3 year old isn’t able to make the same mistake! We all learn things as we get older!

Yep it's cruel of the parents and also not good.

What other characteristics should children who don't conform to your personal stereotypes be expected to be be teased about? And yes, a three year old is perfectly able to look at pictures of a variety of hairstyles on a variety of people in order to see that their mother is actually a small minded bigot.

Your 3yo doesn’t think boys have short hair and girls have long hair

You think boys have short hair and girls have long hair

At that age it’s a simple case of “anyone can have any length of hair, boys or girls” but he’s already picking up your stereotypes and judgements

You’re not helping your child with that attitude tbh

Quite rightly 😂😂😂

oh, come on now

For goodness sake! Your child is 3! Is he deliberately being nasty - I doubt it. Just have a chat with your DS and explain that the other child is upset by it. Overly sensitive parents me thinks!

Interesting how people are so quick to say children learn all negative attitudes from adults, when in actual fact small kids are naturally extremely black and white about everything.

He has not been "repeatedly teasing" this child, he has passed comment on one particular day (obviously as far as I am aware) and it has now been raised to me so I've addressed it.

I suspect he has said it before. Or said it accidentally and thought it was funny to keep saying

You think he's quite right to think boys shouldn't have short hair though so I'm thinking you haven't really addressed it at all

A child can make the mistake but it then becomes a learning opportunity, not a chance to reinforce stereotypes.

@SmilingMoon did you miss the post where the OP said ‘rightfully so’ that boys don’t have long hair?

OP your being ridiculous.

You need to speak to your son about this. Even though he is young you use this as a learning curve rather than just brush it off