SIL sending a message through bday card ?

[coliecup]

A while ago, it was one of my children's birthdays and I had some cards on display.

I always display them for a few days and then file them away. Eventually they get lost in the house and some get thrown out.

Mil was looking at the cards and I said that I do love cards but also don't like them, because it makes me sad to throw them away. I'm not British, neither is MIL and in our cultures, cards aren't a big thing.

MIL said she understood what I meant and that she also had to get used to the card thing in this country when she moved here.

She seemed a bit miffed though when I said I throw them away and said I should keep the ones she and her children ( aunts and uncles to my kids ) give them, for when they grow up.

Then a few weeks later she was at my house for some reason, I can't remember why and I had already got rid of the cards, but had stacked some of them away in some obscure cupboard.

When I came back, she had taken the cards that she and her children had given out of the stack and put them on display. I thought that was really really strange and kind of like a message or something. There were a good 20 cards in the stack.

Anyway, recently it's been another birthday and my SIL gave a card of course and when I read the inside it said ' I hope you'll read this card when you're older '... or something to that effect.

Am I being paranoid that she's spoken to MIL and they're miffed that I have thrown some of their cards away for the children ?

I have some knocking around but I definitely haven't made some sort of memory box of cards from auntie and grandma.

My cousin definitely expects cards to be kept. She writes the date including the year as though it's some sort of historical artefact.
Your relative has definitely had a conversation about cards!

I have save the cards my MIL sends my children because she is very elderly now and writes really sweet messages especially to my teen son who loves her dearly. Any card from a relative that simply says to/from doesn't get saved.

I'm a bit like this too, my mother didn't keep anything from my childhood, I don't have one school report to look back on - she isn't sentimental about things at all. I on the other hand have kept everything, my children do love looking back on these things at least.

We have a pin board in the kitchen. We display Christmas/birthday cards there until the next event (Easter/next birthday) and then they get taken down to make room for the next lot. Boring ones get binned and interesting ones put in the scrapbook box.

I'm on your side... It's important to have a clean and organised house with clutter kept within reasonable bounds so your children have space to grow and play. How can you teach children good habits like putting their things away and tidying up if there isn't room for everything? This is something I have struggled with as I'm quite disorganised and hate throwing things away so I've had to become quite ruthless.

Time to drop some boxes off at MIL's house, I think... If this stuff is so important, I'm sure she won't mind storing it for you 😂.

It’s a nice idea to keep all this sentimental stuff but my thoughts are that when I die, my children will have to go through them and chuck them. Why would I leave that for them to do? Who is going to sort out all your MIL’s rubbish? It’s just not fair on anyone. Also it’s not her place to decide what you keep and yes she definitely discussed with your SIL!

I'll admit to being a freak. we kept cards when i was little so i moved house with boxes of them. i went through and kept one of two from people now dead, ones for special birthdays of people i still knew etc. I therefore have memory boxes for the kids with their cards in BUT its one box. When i can't fit something in, something will have to go.

And i still think she's out of order and unreasonable

that’s hoarding in my book 😂

I've kept all the cards my kid has ever received from family friends or even classmates. Don't feelnits my place to throw out as they arnt mine....he can decide what he doesn't when he's older.

I've got a big box and a cupboard with cards and letters and pictures the kids drew. And a filing cabinet with all their school records. It's mad really. I have 4 kids do that's a lot of stuff. Something I aim to do when I have the time is to photograph sentimental stuff and keep it in the cloud and not in my house. You could do this for messages you'd really like to keep.
I don't want my dc to have yo clear out loads of old memories when I'm gone - I fully intend to do a Swedish death clean and have already been decluttering. We had to clean out mil's house when she died and that lady kept everything. I don't want that for my dc, it was so hard for my husband.

I do think you have a problem with your mil and respect. She's called you spiteful and she's ignored requests not to clean in your house. Personally I think that needs addressing at some point.

This is probably a really silly question, but why does it seem hard for the children to clear up their parents keepsakes of their childhoods once the parents pass ?

Is it because it's just a lot of work ? Or is it sad having to throw away something they know meant a lot to the parent or is it just generally being reminded of a time that's no longer there as the parent has passed? Or a combination of all of those things ?

I recycled the ones I could when I came across them the other day, get well/leaving cards from colleagues/kids I taught. It was nice to look at them briefly but then I realised I would never look at them again unless I was emptying the room like I was doing so chucked the lot.

@coliecup there's a lot of guilt in going through all your parents stuff, that they chose to keep, and deciding not to keep it. It kind of feels disloyal or as if you didn't value them. Belongings take on greater meaning when they belong to someone you live, who has just died.
But realistically if we kept everything our parents owned, we'd never have room to store it, would never be able to use it all and would just be kicking the can down the road for our own kids.

It took a good week to clear mil's house, so from a practical level it was hard and not really what you want to be doing when you are already feeling grief.

There are things in my house that I wouldn't want my dc to read, so I'm definitely getting rid of those before I get too old.

The more you keep, the more you burden your children who will have to decide what to do with it one day.

She would have a fit with me I hate clutter so I keep Mother’s Day and any special ones from grandparents or personalised ones for the kids , the rest goes in the recycling bin

I like keeping them. I look back and remember that year, it reminds me of the effort they always put in and when my grandparents passed, seeing that they kept our cards showed us that they were happy with them and ours were important enough for them to of kept.

I keep birthday cards up for a week then give to my daughters to do what they want with them. I keep some cards of the older generation as their handwriting brings back memories as I don’t have photos of them. If I get cards from them the following year, the current cards go in the bin as they’re replaced.

Milestone birthdays are all in their own memory boxes. All four grandparents have died so seeing those cards and photos brings joy.
As the girls get older and move away from home, they have the choice to do what they like with their boxes.

Going through another person’s cupboards uninvited is disgraceful and re-displaying the cards, as someone mentioned, is passively aggressive. My husband occasionally takes a zoom call in my office and rearranges my desk. I go berserk, as you can imagine.

The only birthday cards I've kept are 1st birthday and recently the cards from great grandparents as I always wonder if they'll be the last (maudlin, yes but also realistic).

I do think your MIL has misunderstood a bit - people don't keep all bday cards and give them back to kids to read when they're older.

Anyway, they're your kids. You do what you want to do with the things they are gifted. My MIL can be the same about gifts bought for DS by his Daunt (her daughter) when he was a baby. She once said 'I bet you threw all of those beautiful gifts away that (her DD) bought for (DS)!' in a really rather accusatory tone. In truth, we kept quite a lot as she bought him some gorgeous bits, but not all and in all honesty he was gifted lovely things by lots of family members, not just hers.

I must admit I do have a box of cards that I’ve kept from my husband, parents, sister, her kids etc. I also keep other special ones from old Auntie, friends. I do a clear out every now and again. My son is 10 months old and I’ve kept his birth cards, special first Christmas cards too. I will probably keep them to show him when he’s older. Have you thought about digitising them? Front and inside of card for your children to read when older? Will take up less space. May be something I do myself in future. I would say she’s definitely spoke to SIL!

If they were letters or mementos special days I would understand it, but I can't think of anything more boring than being given a box full of cards that just say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy birthday" no matter who they are from.

Mmm that’s not really nice to do .. a bit spiteful but take the higher ground and ignore it all …
it will just escalate… life to short… believe me
I’m a mum in law twice and i wouldn’t dream of doing that ..
it just causes bad feeling and it’s rude too ! …we are not all like that lol … and I laugh at les Dawson jokes as a lot oF the time he was spot on 🤣

@coliecup while I agree your in laws have gone a bit OTT, I will say that I kept milestone cards from my parents and grandparents, 16, 18, 21, and wedding cards. I choose to do this myself and I’m glad I did because now my grandparents have passed away, it’s nice that I have their handwritten sentiments to look back on and cherish.

Your children will not be interested in a bunch of old cards when they're adults. They also will not want moldering baby clothes, a 30 year old pram, your grandmother's tea set, Hummels or Lladro figurines. They do not want to be encumbered by the detritus of their forbears, so anyone who is keeping this stuff "for the grandchildren" is just making excuses for their own hoarding tendencies.

Many years ago I had to tell both my mum and my MIL to stop passing their clutter on to me. The small amount of crapola that made it through my defenses was promptly binned. Stick to your guns, toss the junk and ignore the whining and nasty comments.

I keep 1st birthday cards and half a dozen special ones. I’m not expecting my kids to get into their 20s and suddenly ask where their 11th birthday cards are…!

She's definitely said something.

I kept all the cards my children were sent as they don't belong to me. When I've had a sort out I've got rid of cards from people we no longer know. My son chucked out some last month when I told him who they were from. Family cards are kept.

I wouldn't save them either. Unless there was a really sentimental message written that you think your adult child might like, just let them go. I wouldn't let anyone dictate to me what I had to keep or not keep....just saying.