SIL sending a message through bday card ?

[coliecup]

A while ago, it was one of my children's birthdays and I had some cards on display.

I always display them for a few days and then file them away. Eventually they get lost in the house and some get thrown out.

Mil was looking at the cards and I said that I do love cards but also don't like them, because it makes me sad to throw them away. I'm not British, neither is MIL and in our cultures, cards aren't a big thing.

MIL said she understood what I meant and that she also had to get used to the card thing in this country when she moved here.

She seemed a bit miffed though when I said I throw them away and said I should keep the ones she and her children ( aunts and uncles to my kids ) give them, for when they grow up.

Then a few weeks later she was at my house for some reason, I can't remember why and I had already got rid of the cards, but had stacked some of them away in some obscure cupboard.

When I came back, she had taken the cards that she and her children had given out of the stack and put them on display. I thought that was really really strange and kind of like a message or something. There were a good 20 cards in the stack.

Anyway, recently it's been another birthday and my SIL gave a card of course and when I read the inside it said ' I hope you'll read this card when you're older '... or something to that effect.

Am I being paranoid that she's spoken to MIL and they're miffed that I have thrown some of their cards away for the children ?

I have some knocking around but I definitely haven't made some sort of memory box of cards from auntie and grandma.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that throws them away. They've made me feel like I am the anomaly here. I started to worry everyone keeps cards for their kids.

As I'm not a card person, I thought I was just not getting the etiquette around them.

This whole thing makes me dislike them more.

As an adult, I've never thought to myself how nice it would be to wade through a few decades worth of my old birthday cards!
Recycle all the way, you can explain to SIL how the cards she sent have been recycled to make new cards for others!
And yes they have totally discussed this. People are weird.

Buy her this book for her next birthday / Christmas. SHe's giving her kids a hell of a job clearing out that attic.

https://www.waterstones.com/book/dostadning/margareta-magnusson/9781786891105

They’re being very weird. Ignore SIL, but do put a boundary in place with your MIL; “Please do not go through our cupboards, that’s a violation of our privacy. If it happens again, I’ll know I can’t trust you in our house.”

Thing is - most of our children (maybe not hers from the sounds of it) - will just bin all the stuff we keep from their childhood when we pass.

They won’t want it at 18+.

They won’t want it when we die…

Ive seen folks keep everything from the plastic tags they put on baby’s in hospital to the grotty umbilical cord and clip.. a mouthful of children’s teeth… every report from school and paintings from nursery upwards… every single school pic.. baby blankets and bibs etc

bin bin bin…take a pic of you must of some snippets and pop in one of those printed books you can have made…

Very odd. Your kids, your family so do things your way. Recycle, make a scrapbook whatever. She probably had discussed it with SIL. Completely ignore smile and do as you like.

In our family if we buy the kids a book, eg hardback collection of stories or an atlas we’ll write a little message from Nan and Grandad and the date. I have books like this from childhood, including a cookery book and it’s nice to still have that connection and a book to enjoy.

Why do his parents still have THAT cot - but your husband didn't insist your children used it?

I'm not trying to make you think you should have used it (I wouldn't have!), but trying to understand for what purpose they keep it, if not to pass it down through the generations? Passed on, it becomes a family heirloom; kept in the attic it's just hoarding.

She didnt accidently find them. Even if she did, she went through stack of cards to select the ones from her and her daughter. That is not acceptable. Would you do that in a friend's or relatives place? There should be some respect for your privacy and boundaries.

I kept cards from when mine was born, that's it.

They're both being weird.

@coliecup the main thing which got me here was who the hell gave her permission to rake about in some obscure cupboard in your house in the first place??????? that is ridiculous!

Exactly the kind of stunt my MIL would pull, rearranging them to put her family cards at the front etc. Fucking annoying.

His parents still have the cot they slept in and entire bedrooms they had as kids etc etc.

This does not seem emotionally healthy at all, they are just living in the past surrounded by old stuff.

I'm going to put it down to a mistake. Maybe she somehow managed to come across them while looking for something else.

She once also cleaned my fridge while I was away and I had explicitly asked her NOT to clean my house. She also rearranged some kitchen cupboards. I posted on here at the time.

Was a funny post a couple of years ago. I was thinking pretty annoyed about it. It's not happened since, thankfully.

But the card thing did happen.

@WhereYouLeftIt we didn't want to use it. We wanted to get new stuff. She knows we don't want to use it because she thinks I'm spiteful... she never really said we should use it. But once during an argument, she told me that she was going to suggest my baby wear the christening gown all her children wore, but that she knows I'm spiteful and wouldn't use it.

She just makes sure the kids use the old stuff when they're at her house and she reminds everyone of that fact. ' oh look, Tommy is wearing the same his daddy and aunty wore when they were little ' ' oh look, Charlotte is playing with daddy and auntie's old train set '. It's sweet, but she does bang on about it, constantly.

I'm sure her daughter will use all the old stuff more than we have. She doesn't have children yet.

They have def been talking about it. My DS is only 1 so I obv don't have a lot of cards I do still have them all. I may or may not keep hold of them. I have some birthday cards given to me on my 1st birthday from great grandparents/ people who have died. A few are nice. No way would I hold onto every birthday card ever given to me or my DS

ignore their nonsense. They can do whatever they like with cards they receive, and by the same token you can do whatever you like with cards you receive.

crazy behaviour from the in-laws.

A middle ground could be to take a photo of the cards front and inside and store them in a digital file to hand over to DC when they're older. Then you're still enabling the kids to see their cards from family if they want to without having to store anything physical.

I’m glad my parents did. They both died when I was quite young but I still have cards from them and also my grandparents. They actually mean a lot to me.

What you should do (as you're so tight on space) is gather every card that MiL, SiL and that side of the family have sent to your kids and say to them that they are welcome to collect them from your home so that they can hold on to them for their niece/nephew in their home due to the storage constraints in your home.

Chances are, if they know that they have to hold on to them for years and years, they won't be as interested in doing it.

Alternatively, say to them that you take the fronts off the cards and donate them to the local playschool so that they can use the pretty pictures for their arts and crafts!

Imagine turning 18 and being given a pallet load of cards from the last 18 years because you've kept them! Insane.
The only one I kept for my son was the last one my mum sent before she died but that's more for me than him.

This sounds bad but I keep cards for a year and if any elderly distant relatives don't make it to the following bday/Xmas I keep the last card they sent.

As we are a family devastated by dementia too many times, I'm also keeping cards from elderly close relatives (parents/spinster aunts) to look out for handwriting changes.

Rather morbidly, i keep the latest one from each parent and grandparent in case they die before the next birthday! So then they have a memory if the handwriting.

Perhaps you could do that and tell her why 😂

Its totally overstepping for her to try and put that on you though. I would slyly try to appear to compromise and say I'd love to keep them but dont have space so perhaps she can have them for a memory box for the kids at her house.

Your Mother-in-law is trying to manipulate you. Don't allow it. Throw all that useless tat in the bin.

@coliecup cleaning your fridge, bloody Nora I would get the locks changed to keep her out!

I kept the first birthday cards - the rest go in the recycling bin a week after their birthday. Followed my DM’s practice.

Get rid of them. This is your home not hers.