SIL sending a message through bday card ?

[coliecup]

A while ago, it was one of my children's birthdays and I had some cards on display.

I always display them for a few days and then file them away. Eventually they get lost in the house and some get thrown out.

Mil was looking at the cards and I said that I do love cards but also don't like them, because it makes me sad to throw them away. I'm not British, neither is MIL and in our cultures, cards aren't a big thing.

MIL said she understood what I meant and that she also had to get used to the card thing in this country when she moved here.

She seemed a bit miffed though when I said I throw them away and said I should keep the ones she and her children ( aunts and uncles to my kids ) give them, for when they grow up.

Then a few weeks later she was at my house for some reason, I can't remember why and I had already got rid of the cards, but had stacked some of them away in some obscure cupboard.

When I came back, she had taken the cards that she and her children had given out of the stack and put them on display. I thought that was really really strange and kind of like a message or something. There were a good 20 cards in the stack.

Anyway, recently it's been another birthday and my SIL gave a card of course and when I read the inside it said ' I hope you'll read this card when you're older '... or something to that effect.

Am I being paranoid that she's spoken to MIL and they're miffed that I have thrown some of their cards away for the children ?

I have some knocking around but I definitely haven't made some sort of memory box of cards from auntie and grandma.

Likewise, I use them as crafts with my kid - they are pretty to use and nice card is expensive. 😂 Then take a photo of the outcome if it's good.

Apart from some New baby cards I’ve not kept any cards. Who has space for that!

My mum used to keep Christmas and birthday cards- I can tell you now that not ONCE in my entire life (or hers) did anyone ever look at them. They just sat gathering dust in the loft. I kept sentimental belongings and letters of my nan and mum after she passed but why would I want to look through 4 decades worth of Christmas/birthday cards? I chucked them in the end when they died.

Yes, your SIL and MIL have spoken and no, you don't need to keep them.

Ignore them and get rid of the cards. Your kids will chuck them in the skip with all your other clutter when you're gone.

Position all the cards and sit your child in the middle then take a photo. You could even photo the cards from special people. Then chuck them away. I wouldn’t worry about MIL she’s clearly a little nuts. Be polite and don’t antagonise her but equally you don’t need to panda to her.

Ok first off, they are so passive aggressive.

But, why not give the cards to your kids and let them decide if they want to keep it / what they want to do with it? Even really tiny little children (3+ years old) I've taught love cards that are just for them. Then eventually they might get sick of them and chuck them, or they might keep their favourite ones forever.

I don't understand the parent intercepting the cards - a British thing? Cards as a social obligation aren't a thing in my culture either. But I remember getting & treasuring handwritten cards and notes from my favourite relatives as a kid. I still have some and it's nice to see how cherished / loved I was as a child, especially by my grandma who's no longer around

Do people here really not keep cards? Everyone I know keeps a few cards, not the ones that are simply to x from y, but I’ve ones now I pull out from relatives or school friends and I’ve had conversations with people about decluttering etc and most say they keep ones important to them. Even my mum who literally got rid of most of our childhood has a few we made and ones from when she was a child! Edited to add my sons have a few of theirs in their lockers/in boxes

I always keep the last card close relatives send in case they die that year

It’s up to you - certainly not up to your MIL.

I’ve kept cards over the years - I love looking at my cards from my grandparents who are no longer here. I used a card to get jewellery made with my Granny’s handwriting on. We spent a lot of time making cards with our DC footprints on - some family members kept to look back on, some threw away. I don’t mind either way!!

Does that mean she went through your cupboards?!

That alone would send the shit to the fan in my house. I’d be making DH have a talk about boundaries…

The card thing - I get what they mean as I did keep close family cards for my kids for the first few years, not their whole childhood though, otherwise where do you keep them?! I do remember my mum keeping a memory box for me though and I used to like looking at it. So I’ll do the same.

BUT while they can express the opinion to you they shouldn’t be doing any manipulative shit to impose it on you.

They definitely talked about it but you shouldn’t care. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Smile and nod at them and get your DH to have a word if it gets too much.

Your MIL is weird and you can do what you like with cards.

I'd keep being firm with your DH too about what gets kept and what gets moved on. Otherwise at some point your MIL's house is going to be emptied and you may find a lot of 'sentimental' items coming back to your home...

I think it’s quite unreasonable of her to just take them back out and put them on display again. Did she not think well the birthdays over now that’s why they’re away? When my Nan died and my mum and her siblings were sorting through her things, they came across a massive stack of birthday cards. All written for my Nan from various family members. Did they sit down and read them all one by one admiring the designs and handwriting? No. They went straight to the tip to be recycled. I’d explain what is sentimental to HER isn’t sentimental to YOU. Say you’d rather your children have photos to look back on maybe then who sent them birthday cards.

Do they even write loving and thought provoking messages in the cards or do they just write "dear x from nanny" in them? I wouldn't save them either way personally. My mum gave us scrap books filled with cards as kids and we were interested for 5 minutes if that so

But I did get so pissed off ( alone ).. I ripped them up and put them in the bin.

Good for you!

I have some cards from my kids, husband & my parents that I have kept.

Scrap books with cards glued in are like a book and small children can be interested .. or not but it is a way to store them efficiently until they decide to throw them away when older. I kept some cards from my childhood and LOVE that I have my grandparents' handwriting. I also love seeing my mother's handwriting on cards as she died in recent times.

I stuck cards from birth and 1st birthday in scrap books and then left it up to the kids to decide on which ones to keep and which to cut up for craft. Though making sure that great grandmother's card was glued in etc..

Strings and pegs are another way to save space when displaying cards for a few weeks.

I throw cards away as soon as I receive them! Hate them cluttering the place up

Yes you've discussed it and it's rude of MIL to go through you're cupboards. Pull her into line now otherwise you will have this shit forever.

This is a great idea. She can have the cards at the end of each birthday. Say that you are not starting that tradition.

Yes, she is trying to assert her dominance. Yes SIL and MIL have spoken about it. If the whole family has a culture of hoarding childhood memorabilia then you are going to be alone in this fight. Just be polite and let them continue their own traditions while maintaining 'my house, my rules'.

They have definitely discussed it but that’s ok isn’t it?

I’m super sentimental and hate throwing cards away so do keep some. Those from people who have now subsequently died are special to me as people so rarely actually write things down now. I think it’s an age thing!

However, I wouldn’t do what MiL did. It’s obviously important to them so maybe just go along with it and keep some.

I don't keep cards.

I have the odd one that was a photo card or a properly handmade one (though don't ask me where they are).

Who wants to read 'To xx live grandma ' 18 times over?

For my kids friends I'd rather spend two quid more on a present so I buy the 5 or 10 cards for a pound in card factory and keep a supply in cupboard.

If you want to keep something, I did get a biggish card one Christmas and wrote a paragraph in in each year to say what they had got, what they had enjoyed etc as it all quickly blurred into one. I really should have done it for birthdays now I think about it!

Kids are more likely to enjoy reminiscing over 'oh god I loved that Sylvanian house' than any generic birthday card.

Pretty obvious they have, yes.

Their behaviour makes me want to rip them all up again and burn them. It makes me want to keep them even less. My kids will have lots of memories, even without the cards. If there are specific memories they want to keep for my kids, they're welcome to do so, but they can't dictate how I keep memories for my own kids.

Say from now on you and all the fam only want e-cards, to save the trees.
Easy to store for the kids in the future!

Going forward hand them to MIL to pop in her attic!!