SIL sending a message through bday card ?

[coliecup]

A while ago, it was one of my children's birthdays and I had some cards on display.

I always display them for a few days and then file them away. Eventually they get lost in the house and some get thrown out.

Mil was looking at the cards and I said that I do love cards but also don't like them, because it makes me sad to throw them away. I'm not British, neither is MIL and in our cultures, cards aren't a big thing.

MIL said she understood what I meant and that she also had to get used to the card thing in this country when she moved here.

She seemed a bit miffed though when I said I throw them away and said I should keep the ones she and her children ( aunts and uncles to my kids ) give them, for when they grow up.

Then a few weeks later she was at my house for some reason, I can't remember why and I had already got rid of the cards, but had stacked some of them away in some obscure cupboard.

When I came back, she had taken the cards that she and her children had given out of the stack and put them on display. I thought that was really really strange and kind of like a message or something. There were a good 20 cards in the stack.

Anyway, recently it's been another birthday and my SIL gave a card of course and when I read the inside it said ' I hope you'll read this card when you're older '... or something to that effect.

Am I being paranoid that she's spoken to MIL and they're miffed that I have thrown some of their cards away for the children ?

I have some knocking around but I definitely haven't made some sort of memory box of cards from auntie and grandma.

I’ve kept every single card my dc has ever been given, don’t know why I started it but once I had it seemed like something I was compelled to do for all eternity.
I am a highly organised, usually ruthless person at getting rid of stuff but just can’t seem to with card’s.
so the moral of my story is don’t even start

i used to keep cards. I decided a while ago that they must all go. And binned them without reading (but checking if there was any money in them)

Now they get about 3 days gathering dust then - bam, paper bin

They’re pathetic and they’re definitely both in it together.

Also, how dare she call you spiteful for not using all the horrible old shit in her attic. She sounds bloody awful, @coliecup

You could bag everything up tell her she's right - and could you store all their stuff at her house seeing as you have no room and you really want to be sentimental too. Then forget about it hahahaha

Definitely

Gosh you are not a very happy person at all are you?

I'm going to suggest a different course of action:

Get a shoebox. Get the kids to decorate it. "Cards from Grandma". Very elaborate. Start putting the cards from her in it. Bask in the feeling of how gracious you are.

It's an easy win, it obviously means a lot to her. And your kids might actually like to keep them. To be honest, I have kept cards from my grandparents all no longer here.

Ditch the ones from the SIL though. She's being a petty stirrer.

YANBU

DH comes from a card family (I do not) and is the first to talk about binning them and doesn’t even check the card. I’m the one that goes through them in case there’s a special message. Two maybe three out of many do and I save them, and the rest the bin.

To me it’s wasteful to send them if you’re just going to write the equivalent of a text message. The children care for a minute and then take no notice of them afterwards. If you can take the time to find a card and post it, surely, you can ring my child and wish them a Happy Birthday if you’re not going to write anything but whatever event, love xyz.

That'd irritatedl me but instead of saying something, I'd stop buying cards for them, SAY happy birthday as you hand them a tiny bottle of baileys. Or just put a tag on the gift, with only their name.

I try to keep the personalised Moon Pig cards with pictures of a relative and my son on. The rest get binned.

Throw them away.

Tell her you have rented a bank safety deposit box for the family ones.

It's ridiculous to keep everything - special ones (18th etc) - fine; but not all of them.

absolutely lovely idea - OP@coliecup i was indeed presented with a box as an adult of all my own birthday cards dating back to the year dot and (now heading towards my 60's) have indeed recently been going through them!! it is a real emotional moment when you read things & see the writing of long dead people. This isn't going to happen in future as no one writes letters anymore and i doubt a text message will cut it! However I have also been having to bin a lot of items as keeping things for emotional reasons can tip from a good thing to a bad thing easily and you cant keep everything!! but if your mil is a hoarder then it will be emotionally hard for her to see other people throw things she puts value on - but she has to understand its your home & your kids and not everyone attaches memories to physical objects!!!

As a non-Brit still don't understand why the parents intercept the cards! Seems a bit nosey to me.

Just let the kids have it since it's for them – some kids will be over the moon and treasure it, some will trash it.

Dropped round to see my mum on her birthday, she had cards everywhere. About 30, and she's 77 and it's a long time since she had a whole class party.
I had a sneaky peek. Found at least three 'to Shelia from Pam' - she's been saving them and appearing more and more popular every year!

That is super crazy, I am sentimental and keep far too much stuff but still throw cards away apart from ones for special birthdays that have a special message in them. Unless you live in a mansion it just isn't possible to keep everything.

Say yes dear MIL, they are in a big box in the loft. Would you like a cuppa?

My MIL has just this week given my DH one of his 1 yo cards for his 50th birthday! The one from Mummy and Daddy.

She is rather like your MIL in the amount of stuff she has kept and it's orderly in her house - but she's constantly working through trying to give us things to treasure (there is a stained but otherwise beautiful lace doily that I don't know what to do with at all, but also Victorian jewellery and coins from the years everyone was born) - I think she is trying to downsize her hoard. We have enjoyed it more than you have (jumper daddy wore been worn by all of our dc) but she is much more aware than your MIL and not at all miffed if we don't save every little thing (possibly encourages us not to). We struggle with her giving us some of this stuff as we struggle with borderline hoarding (dh can't throw anything and I'm a bit better but not good).

Omg, I've just remembered the bag of daddy and auntie's used socks that were given direct to our 8yo (so I couldn't filter out the nasty nylon 1980s things directly - they didn't make it past one wash...) so maybe she was a bit more PA back in the day... but 17yo dd is loving the never-ending supply of 6th form suitable jumpers that are coming her way currently, some of them made in West Germany. We do laugh about it, with her. It's done kindly, the gifting.

Oh, and those socks must have moved house 3 times after they outgrew them before they reached us...

That’s odd as I know many people who do.

Be cautious about them spending time alone with DC. Mine are like that and progressed to less than helpful ‘chats’ with DC.

Ok full disclosure here, I don't 'do' cards, I think they're just pointless in this day and age BUT I do keep the grandparents cards for the kids for their early birthdays. After about 5 though I started throwing them, I haven't got room to be storing all this stuff that they'll look at once and never again. Also it's just more for people to sort out when I'm dead, they don't need that. They're being ridiculous frankly, if you want to keep them then do, but if you don't then get rid. Your house, your rules.

“Spiteful” is an incredibly strong word to use, I’d have been very taken aback by that. The idea she thinks someone who wasn’t brought up in her family but in a different one, who is their own 3 dimensional person with a history and preferences and personality, would be motivated by spite when they don’t do things as she does them. That’s her go to; not “I wish DD was sentimental like we are.” - which is fine and normal for her to think, but “Of course DGC won’t be wearing our Christening gown, DIL would rather have her teeth pulled out than give me the pleasure…” - of course the irony is that after a few years drip, drip of it you probably now do feel that way but it didn’t start like that.

People like your MIL are so solipsistic. They can’t conceive of other families having different cultures or that there isn’t always a “best way”, that best way being theirs. Difference is a threat and a defiance, not just difference.

Nosey old bat. Buy a shredder.

People like your MIL are so solipsistic. They can’t conceive of other families having different cultures or that there isn’t always a “best way”, that best way being theirs. Difference is a threat and a defiance, not just difference

Yeah my in laws are so like this. They're always pushing their memories / traditions on us and treating my kids as if they were their kids, not grandkids.

For what it's worth I'm going to keep all cards from the most recent birthday. But I won't keep them every year. I'll do what I feel like. She got lots of cards from her friends this year. It's been the first birthday with her friends and therefore I think it's nice to keep. All of them. Not just some.