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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to keep baby things given to me by my sister.

281 replies

Noonesawme · 23/01/2024 10:16

When DS was born, DSis gave us all their baby things including big bits like crib and changing table and loads of clothes. They are adamant they're not having more children so there was never a conversation about needing to give anything back when she gave them to us. I am genuinely very grateful for her giving us all these bits.

DSis has now asked for a lot of these things back to give to her DH's sister who is having her first baby.

I do feel a bit annoyed at this. DS is still young so we haven't decided for sure yet if we want another but it's definitely not off the table and we have put these things away now DS has finished with them (she isn't asking for anything DS is still using, just that he has outgrown, to be fair).
I did say to DSis we were hoping to keep everything ready for if and when we have another and DSis spoke to her sis-in-law who agreed to give anything back if we have a second.
I still feel a bit irritated though. Her sis-in-law is a bit older than me so probably likely to have a second baby not that long after they have this one if they want another (I don't know her at all, just going on what DSis has mentioned) so I can see that we may well end up clashing with needing some of these bits and because it'll be in her house, she'll be the one that gets to keep them. From what I know of her they have a lot more money than DH and I do and could probably much more easily afford to buy all these things if they weren't given them whereas we would really struggle to replace everything we thought we wouldn't have to think about at all.
I know I didn't buy these things myself but they are sentimental also as they were DS's baby things and I just don't really want to give them away and have to hope we get them back.
WIBU to just refuse to give them back?

OP posts:
NewYearNameChanger · 23/01/2024 10:56

Yes you could refuse to give them back - if you think these things are more important than your relationship with your sister. Even if you do have another one, you will use these things for a few short months, yet you will have damaged your relationship with your sister forever. But if that's what you want, then crack on..

SJM1988 · 23/01/2024 10:57

I'm a bit on the fence with this one.

I can see where you are coming from. If they have been given with no expectation of given them back then they were no longer your sisters to offer to her SIL. She shouldn't have done that without asking you first. I firmly think that once something has been given it is no different that giving a gift for a birthday, baby, Christmas - you wouldn't expect it back or offer it to others.

But also you don't know if you want another baby so keeping things just in case for an unknown amount of time really is unreasonable but you should have been the one to offer not your sister. I understand a few sentimental things but larger items isn't it given if you aren't using them that you share around the reusing love.

I have 'lent' things to friends after we had our first with the stipulation I was to have it back once they were finished (big ticket items - cribs, prams etc.) We planned another a few years later but I took stuff back straight away when they were finished. They weren't my personal storage for items - they were using it when they needed it. If we were to have a baby before they were finished with it they understood we would want it back for our next baby. Noone ever questioned it and if anything were 'of course I wouldnt expect to keep unless agreed'.

I have also 'given' things to friends I don't expect back and would never have offered those items to others without checking with them first. I always made sure everyone understood those items were gifted and to do with them as they saw fit afterwards.

BIossomtoes · 23/01/2024 11:00

they were DS's baby things and I just don't really want to give them away and have to hope we get them back.

I expect your sister is saying the same thing.

ReignOfError · 23/01/2024 11:02

Of course you are being unreasonable. Why would you want to keep stuff - even if it was yours, which it isn’t - in storage, when someone else could be benefitting from it? Give it back, and hope to be able to borrow it again if and when you have another.

Notalwaysthismean · 23/01/2024 11:03

Fucking hell. Are you serious? That’s the most selfish, ungrateful thing I’ve heard in a while. Yes, YABU, most definitely. Give them all back today. Take them yourself. Along with a big box of chocolates and a bottle of wine to say thank you for the loan.
Sone people amaze me.

MaggieFS · 23/01/2024 11:10

When these threads come up, I would normally think it important whether they were obviously given for keeps, or lent.

But this is family and your sister has already said she'd ask for them back if you need them again. If you "clash" I'm sure it could be worked out.

But your reasoning is incredibly selfish I know I didn't buy these things myself but they are sentimental also as they were DS's baby things

They weren't DS' first, he only had them because your sister didn't attach any sentimentality to them and was kind enough to see they'd help you out.

YABU if you refuse. It would say a lot about your character. But it is ok to feel a bit sad. You'll get over it!

ManchesterLu · 23/01/2024 11:10

There's no point you hoarding them and not using them just 'in case' you have another baby. If you do, then you can surely have them back, as the other baby will have grown out of them?

user14699084788 · 23/01/2024 11:11

If you can’t afford to buy baby stuff, you can’t afford a second child…baby’s come cheap, teenagers cost a kings ransom!
Give the stuff back.

InTheRainOnATrain · 23/01/2024 11:14

It just seems so wasteful to hoard stuff in the attic when they could be used and appreciated by your sister’s ILs. You were helped out by your sister’s generosity, it’s a shame that you’re don’t want to let someone else be helped too. If there are a couple of bits that are sentimental like first outfits I’m sure you sis won’t mind you keeping those, nor I’m sure would she mind if you asked SIL not to pass it on further so you could potentially use it again after her should you have a second baby. Don’t risk damaging your relationship with your sister over a second hand changing table and baby bath- it’s ridiculous.

Ladyj84 · 23/01/2024 11:16

Awww it wouldn't bother me cribs,swing chairs etc etc have all done the rounds in our big family and it helps whoever has the baby.

CecilyP · 23/01/2024 11:16

BIossomtoes · 23/01/2024 11:00

they were DS's baby things and I just don't really want to give them away and have to hope we get them back.

I expect your sister is saying the same thing.

I think OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time. The DSis gave the things to OP on the basis that she was definitely not having any more children - which she is not. OP currently has one child and has not ruled out the possibility of having another. So the situation is different.

The DSis is using the opportunity to appear generous when she really has no need to. If OP needs things again, these will be 4th hand. And there is always the possibility of an overlap on need should both families have a second child. I think it would be different if the DSis was unexpectedly pregnant herself!

CecilyP · 23/01/2024 11:17

ManchesterLu · 23/01/2024 11:10

There's no point you hoarding them and not using them just 'in case' you have another baby. If you do, then you can surely have them back, as the other baby will have grown out of them?

Absolutely no surely about it!

StBrides · 23/01/2024 11:18

I'm gobsmacked at how many people have said yabu!!

Returning them was not a condition of the gift therefore they are legally and morally yours - you have no obligation to give them back or pass then on.

You are definitely not being unreasonable- keep them if you want to, if you need to, or for whatever reason you like, they're yours.

Beautiful3 · 23/01/2024 11:19

They are hers though. If you're not currently using them, I'd offer them back. Keep a few things if you need them. I'm sure when you have your second baby, sister will ask for them back.

Deadringer · 23/01/2024 11:19

Good grief! Yabvvvu!

whatkatydid2014 · 23/01/2024 11:22

We gave away all our kids baby stuff to various relatives and friends. I wouldn’t have expected to be able to choose what happened to them next. On the other hand my brother & SIL currently have our old pram/buggy and various other bits they are using for my nephew. When he gets too big for them if someone else in the family or a friend of his needed stuff I’d be a little disappointed if he didn’t offer to pass them on. I had a friend we passed some nicer baby/toddler clothes to with thought she would pass on to someone else when done. She sold them instead. While it was obviously her choice since they were now her things it put me off passing on further things to her

Scutterbug · 23/01/2024 11:23

I think hand them back but ask if you could possibly have them back if you fall pregnant again?

InTheRainOnATrain · 23/01/2024 11:24

StBrides · 23/01/2024 11:18

I'm gobsmacked at how many people have said yabu!!

Returning them was not a condition of the gift therefore they are legally and morally yours - you have no obligation to give them back or pass then on.

You are definitely not being unreasonable- keep them if you want to, if you need to, or for whatever reason you like, they're yours.

Edited

I think you’re missing the point? Yes the stuff is OP’s now and yes legally she could keep it hoarded in the attic but there’s someone else in the extended family that would benefit and legal ownership doesn’t change the fact that it’s pretty selfish to not help others as you were helped yourself. Also, she’s risking a falling out with her sister, which just isn’t worth it over some second hand baby bits. Finally, and this one might appeal more to OP, the sister has an older child and they keep on good terms there might be a lot more hand-me-downs to come from small stuff like clothes to big ticket stuff like outgrown toys and bikes.

LimitedButStillAliveAndKicking · 23/01/2024 11:27

This has yo be a crappy reverse. No one is this entitled.

EveryDayIsASchoolDayOnMN · 23/01/2024 11:27

I just love Mumsnet!

The nutters on here show themselves all the time! We have no idea that these people walk among us

Love it 😂

Daffyyellow · 23/01/2024 11:29

They’re not yours to keep. You would be very selfish not to return them.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 23/01/2024 11:31

The needs of someone who is actually having a baby trump those of someone who might or might not go on to do so. And how can anyone possibly be sentimentally attached to a changing table?😂

cheddercherry · 23/01/2024 11:31

I think it’s worth in the scheme of things balancing if the stuff now shoved out of sight in your attic (which may hold memories but equally hold memories for your sister who bought them) is worth the relationship with your sister and also your children’s relationships with their cousins.

It’s clear from the thread that if you refuse you’re going to cause waves with your sister, not least by the eyebrow raises from the situation she’ll be left with her other SIL if you don’t pass on what she’s offered already.

You can always ask for them back, your sister maybe sees this items as almost modern heirlooms to be used by all the babies in the family and imagine if she knew you’d hold onto them (even unused in your loft) she wouldn’t have gifted them to you in the first place.

ManyATrueWord · 23/01/2024 11:34

Incredibly rude to give a gift and then demand it back.

ElevenSeven · 23/01/2024 11:35

ManyATrueWord · 23/01/2024 11:34

Incredibly rude to give a gift and then demand it back.

Op assumed it was a gift; nothing was said.

DS clearly viewed it as a loan.