DS' girlfriends dad

[FrenchiFanci]

I have 2 kids DS1 turned 18 in October, is in Y13 and studying for his A-Levels.
He has a girlfriend, she's 17, also in Y13, they've been together for about 7 months. They are both very intelligent (A/A*a predicted), lovely kids (compared to DS2 anyway who is definitely a bit more troublesome). They never cause hassle and keep themselves to themselves.

Yesterday DS went to work 10-4 in a local supermarket, his gf also works (sports coaching) the same times on a Sunday. Afterwards they both came back to ours at about 4.30. Went upstairs to his room, ordered pizza around 7.30 then she left at 9.30 to go home. I didn't check in on them they were quiet and seemed to be fine.

This morning I get a message from her dad (he's a single dad) having a go at me as they didn't study at all, and he knows because he checked her books and she admitted they played sims and watched a movie. He has said unless I make sure to check in on them studying she won't be allowed over anymore.
I haven't replied.
I told DS via message and he replied with "yeah he's a bit psycho gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow".
I've left the message on read as I have no idea how to reply and I'm working from home.
Now he's tried to call twice and sent a follow up message saying this needs to be sorted, followed by another saying "it's because of your lax parenting that they are having sex in my house and that it's disgusting I allow it" (they are 17 and 18 I don't really care if they are having sex!!)
I'm totally lost on how to reply to this, they are good kids and she's a really lovely girl. We've never had her dad be like this before (an odd message when she's been home late but that's it)
AIBU to think this is concerning and be unsure how to reply or deal with this - any advice?

I'm baffled feminists cheer and normalise sex like that when it hurts women the most to be giving sex as freely as candy you make it sound like she's giving out blow jobs and quick fucks on the school gate to all and sundry for goodness sake. She's having sex with her boyfriend. Are females not allowed sex with their boyfriends??

correlating a woman's body count jesus is she a black widow spider??? to emotional unwell-being, also the more previous sexual partners before marriage the more likely is a woman to get divorced later in life. Because having more sexual partners and life experience means she has a higher expectation of how she should be treated and is less likely to feel stuck on an unhappy marriage? Great. Should we set a minimum bar of sexual partners before we let girls have sex?

This girl likely naively believes she will be together with this young man for life and as 17/18 he probably feels exactly the same. Do you not remember teenage love? We had named out future babies!!
(which I hope so), but if that weren't the case it could hurt and scar her. Life isn't life if it's just going around hiding from any sort of pain or growth

I've read plenty of journalistic articles of women complaining that they felt used for the pleasure of men when they were young much more likely to be casual sex they weren't really into than consensual, safe sex with a loving boyfriend

A father's job is to protect his daughter, a parent's job is to protect their child. No sex / gender necessary.

and as a man who was once young he perfectly understands the nature and intentions of men, and he wishes to protect his daughter. I remember my Dad using this argument. Basically cos he was happy to use women for sex he assumed all blokes were the same. Newsflash. Just cos one man is a jerk, doesn't mean his daughter will pick one for himself.

Again, OP might not care what her SON does with his life, that doesn't mean she must enforce this hands off parenting upon that father. I see no indication she doesn't care, just that she treats him like a young adult.

17 is not an adult yet, but even if she were she still lives under his roof so she's still his responsibility. And the "whilst you're under my roof" stuff is exactly why this girl WILL pass her exams so she can get away to Uni and then he'll wonder why he never sees her.

It's amazing how many people forget the naivety that comes with young adulthood. You don't mature out of that without life experience.

It's half term soon. Let's assume op has a job. Is she to lock her son in his roof so he can't go and have sex with his gf? Cos I can guarantee that's what half their study sessions will be. I never had sex whilst my Dad was in the house but funnily enough at 17 he didn't get me a babysitter for all the hours I was home alone.

What a depressing post. You seem to think ‘boys will be boys’ but women should save themselves to be owned by one particular man for life. Which actually opens girls/women up to a far more miserable existence - sex is natural so to make it taboo heightens the chance of settling with the first man she’d have stronger feelings for just to experience sex. That woman would then be far more trapped in the idea of tradition and expectations even if she’s miserable over a woman who’s grown with the experience of typical sexual maturity and relationships.

Sex isn’t sacred, it should be careful and sensible, and yes with respect to oneself. But it’s not for that ‘special person’, how can you grow as a well rounded adult when you’re deliberately denying yourself such an important aspect of self growth and enjoyment?

A parents job is to guide their children, not control them on the cusp of flying the nest. It’s completely unhealthy. A father doesn’t own his daughter’s body until a husband comes along to take over. What a
repulsive outlook to have in this day and age.

There's some fruit loops on here, making it sound like they're 14 year olds.

This girl likely naively believes she will be together with this young man for life (which I hope so), but if that weren't the case it could hurt and scar her.

I've read some crap on here but seriously! Teenage girls can be horny as hell and enjoy sex for the sake of it you know.

Poosibly
However, perhaps rather than drawing on one particular culture it is more appropriate to say ‘there could be a cultural difference’, as you have said@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle then it won’t be a racist comment.

You're very concerned about teenage girls having sex. Who do you think they're having sex with?

Teenage boys. That's ok though is it?

are they at a private schooll?

although morally at 18 she can make her own choices, she is still supported by her parents and living under their roof so in practice that is not really true,

In real, non Mumsnet, life most people are not afraid of the dark and are perfectly capable of walking home at 9.30 pm.

That's really poor for everyone to let a girl walk home at that time in the winter.
Very uncaring. Sorry you think that's OK. I was never out alone at that time when I was younger.
Boyfriends walked you home, or drive you home or whatever?

I was frequently out alone at night at that age. I and my peers did not need to be chaperoned by a parent or protected by a boyfriend. It seems sad to me that some parents teach their daughters to consider themselves helpless and dependent when on the actual verge of adulthood.

Tell him to do one and he needs to take any issues up with his nearly adult daughter. Sounds like a right twat.

Totally agree. Block and ignore. Clearly got issues. Poor girl having to put up with this. Someone needs to tell him (not you) that you can’t make anyone study. If anything, it can do the opposite.

SleepingStandingUp

OPs question was about the girls fathers messages, not the low down on teen sex.

OP has disappeared and didn’t get any advoce on the real issue. Shame on you all.

Either block him or tell him to fuck off he’s being a total dick

I’d send this☝️ I’d block him if persists in this.

Yes, absolutely, I had to do that because my ex was so toxic, this guy sounds as bad.

I wouldn’t ignore it. What if they end up staying together long term?

Ignore, I'd also laugh in the face of anyone who thought 17 was an inappropriate age for sex. Oh to be 17 again...

I get that his reactions are over the top, but he's been the sole parent of a girl for a long time and is probably struggling with the fact that his little girl is growing up and slipping through his fingers and he doesn't know how to deal with it. He's been 'in control' of her, what she does, where she goes etc, for a long time. Losing that control will be scary for him. So he comes across AS controlling. No excuse for rudeness, but I'd try and see things from his perspective.

YANBU. Given they are going out & are basically adults could you just block the dad’s number? You don’t need to be getting abuse from your sons GFs Dad under any circumstances but at their age you don’t really need to be communicating with him at all anyway.

if they want to have sex & couldn’t do it in either of your houses they’d just find somewhere else to do it & if they take some time out from studying when they are both doing well then that’s totally reasonable.

Is it just that girls father's being unable cope with the idea that their daughters are having sex?
Perhaps he can see his DD growing up and he feels she is slipping away from him, unfortunately his behaviour will push her further away.
The reply by Mumof2teen79 is a good one.

Pop onto Amazon and anonymously gift him a copy of “How to Do the Work” by Nicole LaPera

He’s not respecting her parenting style though, is he? He’s also been pretty rude in the messages to the point of insulting OP’s parenting style.