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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS' girlfriends dad

244 replies

FrenchiFanci · 22/01/2024 13:45

I have 2 kids DS1 turned 18 in October, is in Y13 and studying for his A-Levels.
He has a girlfriend, she's 17, also in Y13, they've been together for about 7 months. They are both very intelligent (A/A*a predicted), lovely kids (compared to DS2 anyway who is definitely a bit more troublesome). They never cause hassle and keep themselves to themselves.

Yesterday DS went to work 10-4 in a local supermarket, his gf also works (sports coaching) the same times on a Sunday. Afterwards they both came back to ours at about 4.30. Went upstairs to his room, ordered pizza around 7.30 then she left at 9.30 to go home. I didn't check in on them they were quiet and seemed to be fine.

This morning I get a message from her dad (he's a single dad) having a go at me as they didn't study at all, and he knows because he checked her books and she admitted they played sims and watched a movie. He has said unless I make sure to check in on them studying she won't be allowed over anymore.
I haven't replied.
I told DS via message and he replied with "yeah he's a bit psycho gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow".
I've left the message on read as I have no idea how to reply and I'm working from home.
Now he's tried to call twice and sent a follow up message saying this needs to be sorted, followed by another saying "it's because of your lax parenting that they are having sex in my house and that it's disgusting I allow it" (they are 17 and 18 I don't really care if they are having sex!!)
I'm totally lost on how to reply to this, they are good kids and she's a really lovely girl. We've never had her dad be like this before (an odd message when she's been home late but that's it)
AIBU to think this is concerning and be unsure how to reply or deal with this - any advice?

OP posts:
iklboo · 22/01/2024 17:53

'Start saving for your care home now mate because you won't see her for dust when she leaves home you controlling melt'.

Ok, maybe not but it's tempting.

Moonshine5 · 22/01/2024 17:53

FrenchiFanci · 22/01/2024 15:29

Are teenagers really not allowed any down time? They study all week!!
Is it just school, work and studying? Surely 5 hours spent relaxing isn't going to be the difference between A* and C !!

Show quote history

OP that's your opinion and your adult son. If her dad has a different parenting style for his 17 year old daughter that's his right.

We can respect differences. To you its relaxing, to him it's distracting. There's no right or wrong.

lapsedrdwhoenthusiast · 22/01/2024 17:54

He sounds very controlling, and that he is panicking his daughter is becoming an adult and he is losing control over her.

Hankunamatata · 22/01/2024 17:57

Block his number

TheaBrandt · 22/01/2024 17:57

Is he Russian? Dd has a Russian friend and her mother is absolutely terrifyingly strict and is prone to rants m. Unnecessary as her dd is a really nice teen.

Hankunamatata · 22/01/2024 18:01

They are doing a levels. When and where they study is up to them.

maudelovesharold · 22/01/2024 18:04

Also she is still under 18 and the son is 18. (e.g. if he has any nude photos of her, OP could have police and social services at her door).

That’s just nonsense! They’re both in the same academic year at school and will both be adults by 31st August this year at the latest! Neither the police nor social services would be the least bit interested in anything consensual.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/01/2024 18:07

Mumof2teens79 · 22/01/2024 14:04

It's not your fault if they are having sex in HIS house.

Reply "sorry you feel that way. I think they are both good sensible kids and so I don't check of they are studying at all times or not...they are allowed some down time. Its nothing to do with me what they do in your house and I won't be chaperoning them in mine."

Nice reply - casual & conversational, not formal & pompous

Wouldyouguess · 22/01/2024 18:10

Moonshine5 · 22/01/2024 15:27

In theory I would

  1. Be upset / annoyed if my 17 year old daughter lied to me (about studying).
  2. Was spending time with her adult boyfriend instead of focusing on her A levels
  3. Appreciate the fact my daughter could get pregnant whilst your son can't.
  4. Show empathy to a parent whose wife left him to raise the family: you don't know what happened.
Also at least her dad is concerned / interested about her wellbeing. I'm not saying OP is doing anything wrong but should respect different patterning styles.

I would be very upset if I had a parent like you who thinks I should study 24/7 and not have any fun at all. Also, adult bioyfriend, lol, he is a few months older than her, not 30yo?

CoffeeatIKEA · 22/01/2024 18:10

I don’t think you should ignore the contraception question actually. Check with your son that he has condoms and knows how to get hold of more easily - is there a scheme in your area for teens to get them free or very cheap? Worth looking into. He might be embarrassed but you make it a 1 minute conversation where you say you understand they both adults/almost adults and you don’t want to know anything about your son’s sex life but you do want to make sure they’ve got sexual health stuff covered so here’s a box of condoms for his room + info about how to get more.
I think you could also have a 1 minute chat with the gf - ideally when you’re alone with her. Just tell her that her dad was unhappy because he thinks they are having sex at your house, that you consider them adults/almost adults and have no intention of getting yourself involved in when or whether they have a sex life. But you just want to make sure they have their sexual health stuff covered, and if she needs any info or practical help sorting contraception you would be happy to help Eg. Help booking an appointment, a lift to an appointment. Advice if she wants it. She hasn’t got her mum at home to talk to about these things so she might not have it sorted.
It’ll be 2 awkward convos but you only have to have them once!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/01/2024 18:11

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 22/01/2024 14:29

The daughter called him a Psycho.

Lovely people can come from abusive homes. She could very well be who she is despite her environment

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Psycho is a common term of abuse - doesn't follow he's psychotic or violent

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/01/2024 18:12

thing47 · 22/01/2024 14:26

Totally agree that GF's dad is over-the-top and has lost sight of the boundaries here. But before we all start insulting him, please bear in mind that he has raised his DD on his own for 14 years so the fact that @FrenchiFanci says she is a lovely, hard-working girl, well, that must come from him, surely?

Maybe he's scared that she is grown up and is becoming more independent and doesn't know how to deal with it in a calm manner. Maybe he has no one else he can turn to for advice about parenting an almost-adult DC. I have no direct experience of this situation, but I can well imagine that confronting the fact that his little girl is now a young woman soon to leave home could be daunting for a single dad… While I'd be really, really tempted to tell him that my parenting is none of his business, I'd like to think I'd try to de-escalate the situation first.

I too agree with this

Moonshine5 · 22/01/2024 18:12

FrenchiFanci · 22/01/2024 15:38

@Justpontificating

  1. There is nothing to say she did lie, for all we know he assumed - also not my child not my problem
  2. I'm sure they are using birth control, we don't expect anyone to just never have sex incase they get pregnant - odd mindset, as long as they are taking the necessary precautions they are over the age of consent so not mine or anyone else's business
  3. Won't go into to depth on this but I got the impression from the way she talks about her dad that she isn't fond of him or happy at home.
She has refused meals here before because "my dad thinks I'm getting a little fat" - she's tall and skinny as can be - barely a size 6. I have a feeling that there is more than meets the eye so have no sympathy for him.

Drip...drip.drip....

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/01/2024 18:13

BronweTheBrave · 22/01/2024 14:48

Report him to the police?

What's- so they can log it?!!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/01/2024 18:16

BagsaMunroe · 22/01/2024 14:54

Ignore, ignore, ignore

Whatever you say will be wrong.

I disagree with a PP who s ays tell the girlfriend she is welcome any time and you are a 'safe house' effectively.

There are too many examples on MN where well meaning parents have done this, only to find themselves in a very complicated set up when their son wants to end the relationship and the girlfriend has burned her boats with her own family.

She is just a girlfriend and it may not last.

Don't offer more than its worth.

And if it does last, surely OP doesn't want to be that parent who blocks / sends pompous or sarky messages to the FIL!

SquareSix666 · 22/01/2024 18:18

CoffeeatIKEA

They’re 17&18.

Milkandnosugarplease · 22/01/2024 18:20

Fingers crossed that she pass all A levels and can escape

Scarletttulips · 22/01/2024 18:22

It’ll be 2 awkward convos but you only have to have them once!

As if talking to teens is awkward!

Teens are more clued up than most adults!

blackpanth · 22/01/2024 18:23

Definitely ignore

Scarletttulips · 22/01/2024 18:24

I would reply, carefully - you don’t want her dad banning her from your home.

Thanks for letting me know, I’ll speak to them later.

Then have the conversation. Explain this is coming from her father and it’s up to her how she approaches it. I would also ask if she needs any help on the home front?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/01/2024 18:41

Justpontificating · 22/01/2024 15:33

OP you’ve noted your thoughts on @Moonshine5 s issue 2.
What are your thoughts on issues 1, 3 and 4.??

Personally I think they are worth noting as I’m assuming you are on MN for advice / thoughts.

Thoughts?

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I suspect OP has come on Mumsnet to sound off and be validated, not to see advice

MalcolmsMiddle · 22/01/2024 18:43

Moonshine5 · 22/01/2024 17:53

OP that's your opinion and your adult son. If her dad has a different parenting style for his 17 year old daughter that's his right.

We can respect differences. To you its relaxing, to him it's distracting. There's no right or wrong.

Show quote history

There's wrong when it's bringing the OP into it to enforce his rules under her roof.

MalcolmsMiddle · 22/01/2024 18:44

Moonshine5 · 22/01/2024 18:12

Drip...drip.drip....

Show quote history

Point 1 and 3 had already been made. No drip feed.

BagsaMunroe · 22/01/2024 18:54

He might be embarrassed but you make it a 1 minute conversation where you say you understand they both adults/almost adults and you don’t want to know anything about your son’s sex life but you do want to make sure they’ve got sexual health stuff covered so here’s a box of condoms for his room + info about how to get more.

They should be using condoms anyway for sexual health.
And I'd hope his girlfriend was using the Pill if she could as well as him using condoms.

The failure rate of condoms is due mainly to poor use (ie too late) or inaccurate use (tearing) or thinking the woman is in a 'safe' period.

thebestinterest · 22/01/2024 18:54

Does he think you are his child!? 😂😭 he’s sure talking to you as if you were.