DS' girlfriends dad

[FrenchiFanci]

I have 2 kids DS1 turned 18 in October, is in Y13 and studying for his A-Levels.
He has a girlfriend, she's 17, also in Y13, they've been together for about 7 months. They are both very intelligent (A/A*a predicted), lovely kids (compared to DS2 anyway who is definitely a bit more troublesome). They never cause hassle and keep themselves to themselves.

Yesterday DS went to work 10-4 in a local supermarket, his gf also works (sports coaching) the same times on a Sunday. Afterwards they both came back to ours at about 4.30. Went upstairs to his room, ordered pizza around 7.30 then she left at 9.30 to go home. I didn't check in on them they were quiet and seemed to be fine.

This morning I get a message from her dad (he's a single dad) having a go at me as they didn't study at all, and he knows because he checked her books and she admitted they played sims and watched a movie. He has said unless I make sure to check in on them studying she won't be allowed over anymore.
I haven't replied.
I told DS via message and he replied with "yeah he's a bit psycho gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow".
I've left the message on read as I have no idea how to reply and I'm working from home.
Now he's tried to call twice and sent a follow up message saying this needs to be sorted, followed by another saying "it's because of your lax parenting that they are having sex in my house and that it's disgusting I allow it" (they are 17 and 18 I don't really care if they are having sex!!)
I'm totally lost on how to reply to this, they are good kids and she's a really lovely girl. We've never had her dad be like this before (an odd message when she's been home late but that's it)
AIBU to think this is concerning and be unsure how to reply or deal with this - any advice?

Really? She's almost 18.

A lot of us live alone by that age. It's not that late.

Reply with something like:

"Thanks for your messages. Because of their ages I do not check up on what they are doing in my house, and they should now be taking responsibility for themselves in respect of their studies. However, I am happy for them to be in the safety of my home. I will leave it with you to discuss with your daughter what you expect of her as it is not my place to do so".

And.. gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow

Read the thread carefully (as I've done🤭 )

@CoffeeatIKEA the DS works in a local supermarket, I'm sure he knows where the condoms are and afford to buy them.

Did you read anything of the OPs posts?

I think all @TheaBrandt was pointing out was that there could be a cultural difference, drawing on her personal experience - not making a racist generalisation

but the son and GF are neither in a marriage or civil partnership!

(not that I think the whole indecent image thing is that relevant to OP's thread)

PS The relevant legislation is the Protection of Children Act 1978 ; also section 160 of the Criminal Justice Act 1988

Have I missed something, is there any talk of indecent images being taken?

Some poster threw it into the thread as a possibility 🤷

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle how unsurprising! Jesus boy and girl cannot have a normal sexual relationship and just both enjoy it! Somehow he's got to be abusive! Shane in people, to twist every bloody scenario to "what if"!

You do know how teenagers work, surely?
Of course they will be very likely having sex, they won't just be chastely holding hands.

He is probably worried {Quite rightly} about pregnancy.

My own son's GF's Dad was worried about it, too. {Thankfully never happened}

@oakleaffy if he's worried about pregnancy should he not be discussing that with his daughter? Not getting angry with her BFs mum?

I would reply to him and keep things cordial if possible for the sake of his DD as I would be concerned for her if he is being so controlling and checking her books ect. I would avoid falling out with him as that might be exactly what he wants.

My big concern would be around safety, primarily for my SON because undoubtedly that angry dad will be want to direct blame and anger towards him.

My nephew was in a similar situation and was encouraged to break up with the girl for his own safety. Which he did.

I know that sounds very extreme but seriously, does your son want this crazy in his life?

The poor girl, I can only imagine what her home life is like.

Would you and your husband meet the guy at a cafe and lay down your boundaries? Be v clear that you're not OK with his rudeness and will not be engaging if it happens again.

How awful to get such a hostile message.

It’s not really about the studying, it’s about him losing control of her. The second woman to leave him. It’s likely misplaced anger and sadness but still, no excuse for messaging you that.

I’d message back saying I think you have the wrong number. Tell your son to tell him you lost your phone and are waiting on a new one. He’ll probably be relieved that his paddy was never witnessed.

I’d hate for this guy to take it out on your son or his gf.

Maybe he was texting you after a few beers, hence her comment that he’ll be over it by the morning.

Not at all, I'm comparing two activities that are undesirable. OP states that you can't stop a teenager from doing whatever he or she wants because they'll do it anyways somewhere else. This is absolutely not the case. She might not care what her son does with his gf, but her father does and he trusted that they'd be studying in front of his mother, or that at least she would be checking on them. It's totally not on to not check on them and he has every right to be upset with her.

I’d feel pressured to respond if he was calling. I think I’d go with ‘I’m not sure what to say. Daughter is welcome here any time. She’s a lovely hardworking girl, and a pleasure to have, whether relaxing with a movie or studying.’

Your concern is noted. She is welcome in our house at any time. If you chose to forbid it, it is your prerogative but I will not be entertaining any more comments on my parenting. Kind regards, FrenchiFanci

This is a great response. Although I'd possibly reword it slightly and not mention the forbidding bit.

"Your concern is noted. She is welcome in our house at any time. I do not appreciate the comments on my parenting and do not wish to be contacted further about such matters. Kind regards, FrenchiFanci"

@0MammaBear0 they're shagging, they're entitled to and I hope they're enjoying it, in the comfort of a room not in the back of a car or wherever.

Sex is too be enjoyed, and the father has no control over his daughters sex life, to think he has is frankly weird and wrong!

17 year old girl is having sec with her BF, what's the issue?

@0MammaBear0 are you seriously suggesting that OP is home whenever the DS and GF are there, so she can babysit them? I mean she can't go to the local shop or to take the dog for as walk, in case they have a quickie in her abscense?

I mean really?!??

It's too funny to even consider

I'm baffled feminists cheer and normalise sex like that when it hurts women the most to be giving sex as freely as candy. Apart from the obvious risk of a teen pregnancy, many studies are coming forward correlating a woman's body count to emotional unwell-being, also the more previous sexual partners before marriage the more likely is a woman to get divorced later in life. This girl likely naively believes she will be together with this young man for life (which I hope so), but if that weren't the case it could hurt and scar her. I've read plenty of journalistic articles of women complaining that they felt used for the pleasure of men when they were young. A father's job is to protect his daughter, and as a man who was once young he perfectly understands the nature and intentions of men, and he wishes to protect his daughter. Again, OP might not care what her SON does with his life, that doesn't mean she must enforce this hands off parenting upon that father. 17 is not an adult yet, but even if she were she still lives under his roof so she's still his responsibility. It's amazing how many people forget the naivety that comes with young adulthood.

@0MammaBear0 your projection is baffling.....

Women like sex!

They don't necessarily think they're going to be with the man they are shagging for the rest of their lives, they're as likely to end the relationship and meet another man that they also have sex with.

It's 2024 you know!

I sincerely hope you don't have daughters.

A fath A father's job is to protect his daughter, and as a man who was once young he perfectly understands the nature and intentions of men, and he wishes to protect his daughter. Again, OP might not care what her SON does with his life, that doesn't mean she must enforce this hands off parenting upon that father. 17 is not an adult yet, but even if she were she still lives under his roof so she's still his responsibility. It's amazing how many people forget the naivety that comes with young adulthood.

Just what the fuck am I reading! You sound like someone who believes a father owns a daughter.... he doesn't!

Did you not enjoy teenage sex? Without thinking you were going to marry this man, I mean he may have been shit in named anyway, so why would you?

So it's very likely they're having sex but yours didn't?