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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS' girlfriends dad

244 replies

FrenchiFanci · 22/01/2024 13:45

I have 2 kids DS1 turned 18 in October, is in Y13 and studying for his A-Levels.
He has a girlfriend, she's 17, also in Y13, they've been together for about 7 months. They are both very intelligent (A/A*a predicted), lovely kids (compared to DS2 anyway who is definitely a bit more troublesome). They never cause hassle and keep themselves to themselves.

Yesterday DS went to work 10-4 in a local supermarket, his gf also works (sports coaching) the same times on a Sunday. Afterwards they both came back to ours at about 4.30. Went upstairs to his room, ordered pizza around 7.30 then she left at 9.30 to go home. I didn't check in on them they were quiet and seemed to be fine.

This morning I get a message from her dad (he's a single dad) having a go at me as they didn't study at all, and he knows because he checked her books and she admitted they played sims and watched a movie. He has said unless I make sure to check in on them studying she won't be allowed over anymore.
I haven't replied.
I told DS via message and he replied with "yeah he's a bit psycho gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow".
I've left the message on read as I have no idea how to reply and I'm working from home.
Now he's tried to call twice and sent a follow up message saying this needs to be sorted, followed by another saying "it's because of your lax parenting that they are having sex in my house and that it's disgusting I allow it" (they are 17 and 18 I don't really care if they are having sex!!)
I'm totally lost on how to reply to this, they are good kids and she's a really lovely girl. We've never had her dad be like this before (an odd message when she's been home late but that's it)
AIBU to think this is concerning and be unsure how to reply or deal with this - any advice?

OP posts:
Josette77 · 22/01/2024 15:48

I think your response sounds perfect. He has been very rude and disrespectful to you.

The only advice I would add is that I would talk to him about contraception. Make sure he is being very careful. Unfortunately it is girls who have to deal with unplanned pregnancy.

BagsaMunroe · 22/01/2024 15:57

@FrenchiFanci

Have you told the girlfriend that her father has sent this message?

I think you should.

The issues are between them, not you.

If he's unhappy that she is spending time with your son and not studying, he needs to discuss that with her.

Likewise, if he's worried about pregnancy and fears you are facilitating a risk, by allowing her to sleep with your son in your house, he needs to talk to his daughter about those fears.

(I'm not suggesting they couldn't find somewhere to have sex.)

I'd still not reply, but IF you feel you must, I'd suggest you say 'Please talk to your daughter about your concerns'.

I'm also wondering how her father has your mobile number anyway.
Is this a normal thing to share with another parent especially if he's not a pleasant chap?

And then not respond further.

BagsaMunroe · 22/01/2024 16:00

Some things are very odd here.

Why on the one hand would her father object to her sleeping at your house yet at the same time, ask for that favour when he is away for work?

At 17 she is quite old enough to be left at home if her father is away.

You need to keep out of it.

Tell his daughter about the messages and ask her to talk to her Dad.

ManchesterGirl2 · 22/01/2024 16:00

Based on what you've said, I'd be quite concerned that he's emotionally abusive, or at least very difficult towards her.

With that in mind, I would be prioritising her safety by trying to de-escalate the situation, without giving in to his demands. It sounds like you are a supportive person in her life, which is great.

WouldRatherBeAPieceOftToast · 22/01/2024 16:05

BronweTheBrave · 22/01/2024 15:02

Many men are pedophiles. A psycho is not far off that. You are right to be very concerned.

This has to be a wind up.

deragod · 22/01/2024 16:10

BagsaMunroe · 22/01/2024 16:00

Some things are very odd here.

Why on the one hand would her father object to her sleeping at your house yet at the same time, ask for that favour when he is away for work?

At 17 she is quite old enough to be left at home if her father is away.

You need to keep out of it.

Tell his daughter about the messages and ask her to talk to her Dad.

He is a bully. Bullies are not known for being consistent but for being controlling and narcissistic. It is one rule when it is convent to not let her sleep over and another when it is convenient for him to not have alone at home. Moreover, it is also more of a control thing than anything other.
A nice girl, like OP described her, would feel a bit more self conscious at her's boyfriend house than when at her's alone without a batshit crazy father to watch her. Perfect when you can't be there in person to make sure she has not too much freedom....

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/01/2024 16:15

He sounds quite aggressive and as if he's inflating his own narrative about them.

He's still trying to contact you to get a response and probably vent.
I'd be a bit concerned that he might start on your son,

it is surprising that he hasn't contacted him yet, given how he's messaged you.

Fourfifty · 22/01/2024 16:15

He sounds controlling. If they attend the same school I would let school know about the messages. I would ignore him.

frostyfeet · 22/01/2024 16:16

ManchesterGirl2 · 22/01/2024 16:00

Based on what you've said, I'd be quite concerned that he's emotionally abusive, or at least very difficult towards her.

With that in mind, I would be prioritising her safety by trying to de-escalate the situation, without giving in to his demands. It sounds like you are a supportive person in her life, which is great.

This - I wouldn't go with a confrontational answer as he may come down harder on her, or try to stop her seeing your son, potentially leading to drama and heartache. 18 may be legally an adult and your son may be very mature but her father might think differently. I think I'd respond with something like 'Hi X. I trust they're generally both studying hard, and I'm sure they were tired after work. We may have different styles of parenting, but I'm sure we both want what's best for our children. Please don't comment on my parenting, my ds is a responsible and hard-working young man, and we're very fond of [his dd's name]. I don't feel the need to check he is studying, we know from his grades to date that he's doing fine.'

bombardelli · 22/01/2024 16:18

Moonshine5 · 22/01/2024 15:27

In theory I would

  1. Be upset / annoyed if my 17 year old daughter lied to me (about studying).
  2. Was spending time with her adult boyfriend instead of focusing on her A levels
  3. Appreciate the fact my daughter could get pregnant whilst your son can't.
  4. Show empathy to a parent whose wife left him to raise the family: you don't know what happened.
Also at least her dad is concerned / interested about her wellbeing. I'm not saying OP is doing anything wrong but should respect different patterning styles.

It's no ones job to make your children focus on your A Levels.

Do your own parenting!

WinterDeWinter · 22/01/2024 16:19

Catza · 22/01/2024 13:52

"Your concern is noted. She is welcome in our house at any time. If you chose to forbid it, it is your prerogative but I will not be entertaining any more comments on my parenting. Kind regards, FrenchiFanci".

And I couldn't resist having a pop at this domineering shit on top:

'I won't be policing the leisure time of my son who is academically excellent, earns his own money and treats others with kindness and respect. Partly because he is already an adult, and partly because I do not wish to destroy the close bond I have with him, which your suggestions would undoubtedly do.'

Mariposistaaa · 22/01/2024 16:24

That poor girl.
I hope she aces her exams, goes to uni, stays with your son and goes LC with her dad. He is a controlling arsehole.

rwalker · 22/01/2024 16:25

He wants her to study and not gave sex I think his expectations are unrealistic

perhapS it comes from a good place with good intentions but her studying is between her and her dad that’s nothing to do with you

as for sex guess he’s just being an overprotective dad again nothing to do with you

Rainbowshine · 22/01/2024 16:25

I think I would respond as he’s calling repeatedly and you need to tell him not to. I think there’s a way to de escalate and acknowledge his message but say and commit to nothing. Here’s my suggestion for what it’s worth…

I can see you have tried calling. I am not available to talk. I note your concerns. I am encouraged by their recent grades and do tell them to keep the momentum of their studies going. Like you I do discuss the importance of balancing work, study and socialising in the anticipation of their going to university and having more independence. I will continue to do that. Thanks, FF

WinterDeWinter · 22/01/2024 16:26

Yeah @Rainbowshine 's is probably the grownup way to do it Grin

Aftersunbun · 22/01/2024 16:27

Rainbowshine · 22/01/2024 16:25

I think I would respond as he’s calling repeatedly and you need to tell him not to. I think there’s a way to de escalate and acknowledge his message but say and commit to nothing. Here’s my suggestion for what it’s worth…

I can see you have tried calling. I am not available to talk. I note your concerns. I am encouraged by their recent grades and do tell them to keep the momentum of their studies going. Like you I do discuss the importance of balancing work, study and socialising in the anticipation of their going to university and having more independence. I will continue to do that. Thanks, FF

Perfect 👍

dogmandu · 22/01/2024 16:37

FrenchiFanci · 22/01/2024 15:29

Are teenagers really not allowed any down time? They study all week!!
Is it just school, work and studying? Surely 5 hours spent relaxing isn't going to be the difference between A* and C !!

Show quote history

Totally agree with @Moonshine5 .

I understand he's probably feeling helpless and responsible and doesn't know how to handle it. I definitely wouldn't ignore it. This brings nobody forward and just sits festering in the cupboard so as to speak.
Basically he has to sort it out between himself and his daughter. What she does is not your responsibility. Of course she deserves some down time etc, but this is irrelevant in regards to your part in the discussion. She herself, like the grown up she nearly is, has to sit down with her Dad and they need to decide what to do going forward.
From your side, if you have some sympathy for his situation (but not his conclusions) you could have a word with his daughter to help her understand that he's probably coming from a place of confusion and helplessness and that a calm talk from both sides explaining their points of view may be the best way forward.
You could reply to him saying that you have no authority over his daughter and that she and he should discuss their situations. Also that in your house they behave appropriately and that you have no plans for change.

MikeRafone · 22/01/2024 16:46

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/01/2024 14:40

Good reply. Then block him.

Show quote history

id reiterate this in a different order

I'm actually unable to take your calls. If you want to parent differently from ourselves that fine but I will be keeping an eye on the pari of them.

descale and reiterate love noted wha he said, without committing

don't block, that would be foolish given that it maybe he needs at some point to contact you concerning your son, you never know

loobylou10 · 22/01/2024 16:52

I would send @Catza reply

"Your concern is noted. She is welcome in our house at any time. If you chose to forbid it, it is your prerogative but I will not be entertaining any more comments on my parenting. Kind regards, FrenchiFanci"

Perfect.

Allfur · 22/01/2024 16:58

Ask him how old he was when he first started having sex

moomoomoo27 · 22/01/2024 17:00

I would ignore and not continue the conversation any longer. Though it would be a concern if their relationship got serious and they were thinking about marriage further down the line, because having someone like that in the family...no.

OccasionalHope · 22/01/2024 17:06

They are both over the age of consent so you aren’t doing anything wrong in allowing it at your home, but I think you ABU to dismiss her dad’s concerns out of hand. If she does get pregnant (and you may be a bit naive to assume their birth control is 100%) she will be the one to bear the emotional brunt of that.

ManateeFair · 22/01/2024 17:15

Moonshine5 · 22/01/2024 15:27

In theory I would

  1. Be upset / annoyed if my 17 year old daughter lied to me (about studying).
  2. Was spending time with her adult boyfriend instead of focusing on her A levels
  3. Appreciate the fact my daughter could get pregnant whilst your son can't.
  4. Show empathy to a parent whose wife left him to raise the family: you don't know what happened.
Also at least her dad is concerned / interested about her wellbeing. I'm not saying OP is doing anything wrong but should respect different patterning styles.

LOL at 'her adult boyfriend'. They are both at school, in the same year.

There is no age gap in this relationship, or any imbalance in maturity or power. The fact that he has recently turned 18 is absolutely irrelevant here. They are peers.

instead of focusing on her A levels

She is an A* student (as is the OP's son) so clearly doing enough studying. Do you seriously think it's reasonable to make someone spend every evening studying? Everyone, of every age, needs some leisure time. It's insane and frankly harmful not to allow a student an evening off. It was the bloody weekend and she went home at 9.30pm - it's literally the world's most wholesome date.

my daughter could get pregnant

Does that mean she isn't allowed to have any contact with the opposite sex, then? Her father cannot stop his daughter, who is over the age of consent and soon to be an adult, from having sex, and more to the point, he doesn't actually know that she is.

The fact that this girl's father is unwilling to allow her ONE EVENING off from studying, goes to to her room to check her books, has arguments with her that cause her to flee the home in the middle of the night, makes grim assumptions her sex life and then sends abusive messages to her boyfriend's mother about suggests that no, we should not be respecting his parenting style, because this parenting style is abusive. I absolutely do not respect any parent who treats their 17-year-old like this.

HowToSaveAWife · 22/01/2024 17:35

Nothing you say is going to be right for a controlling narcissist. Don't block him, just don't answer him. Very weird behaviour.

SapphireSeptember · 22/01/2024 17:50

@ManateeFair AND makes weird comments about her weight (did you see OP's post about it?) Poor girl. Hope she goes to a uni far away and never looks back.