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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS' girlfriends dad

244 replies

FrenchiFanci · 22/01/2024 13:45

I have 2 kids DS1 turned 18 in October, is in Y13 and studying for his A-Levels.
He has a girlfriend, she's 17, also in Y13, they've been together for about 7 months. They are both very intelligent (A/A*a predicted), lovely kids (compared to DS2 anyway who is definitely a bit more troublesome). They never cause hassle and keep themselves to themselves.

Yesterday DS went to work 10-4 in a local supermarket, his gf also works (sports coaching) the same times on a Sunday. Afterwards they both came back to ours at about 4.30. Went upstairs to his room, ordered pizza around 7.30 then she left at 9.30 to go home. I didn't check in on them they were quiet and seemed to be fine.

This morning I get a message from her dad (he's a single dad) having a go at me as they didn't study at all, and he knows because he checked her books and she admitted they played sims and watched a movie. He has said unless I make sure to check in on them studying she won't be allowed over anymore.
I haven't replied.
I told DS via message and he replied with "yeah he's a bit psycho gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow".
I've left the message on read as I have no idea how to reply and I'm working from home.
Now he's tried to call twice and sent a follow up message saying this needs to be sorted, followed by another saying "it's because of your lax parenting that they are having sex in my house and that it's disgusting I allow it" (they are 17 and 18 I don't really care if they are having sex!!)
I'm totally lost on how to reply to this, they are good kids and she's a really lovely girl. We've never had her dad be like this before (an odd message when she's been home late but that's it)
AIBU to think this is concerning and be unsure how to reply or deal with this - any advice?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2024 14:04

Can I ask dad what his gf would prefer - you to ignore, reply etc? I just think about the poor girl getting the anger cos you're ignoring him. Which isn't your fault obv but still, I'd want to make her life easier

If you do reply I'd go along the line of "both seemed shattered after work, but will have a chat in future". That way you're not committing to anything, tell ds what you've wrote, and less chance he'll stop her coming over?

Original poster
FrenchiFanci · 22/01/2024 14:06

ManateeFair · 22/01/2024 14:01

He sounds like an absolute horror of a man.

I wouldn't reply to him, but I'd certainly be having a chat with your son about his girlfriend's dad to find out a bit more about him and what your son thinks of his behaviour towards his daughter. It is insane to expect to enforce study time on 17-18 year olds, and even more so on a bloody Sunday afternoon. They're entitled to leisure time. And going on about them having sex at your house is just fucking creepy when they're aged 17 and 18. How does he even know? She doesn't even stay over, from the sound of it.

Do you know your son's girlfriend well enough to have a chat with her about it? (Not the sex stuff obviously, but the level of anger/control her father seems to put on her?)

Edited

I have no idea how he would know, I'll assume she doesn't announce it!!!
She's come over in the middle of the night before saying she had an argument with her dad, pretty upset but with teens it's hard to tell whether it's serious or he just asked her to do something she didn't want to!
She told us about her mum so I'd say we are close enough I can definitely ask.
She does stay the night sometimes but he's asked us if she can a couple of times as he was going to travelling for work.

I replied with the suggestion a poster below gave and he is still trying to call me.

OP posts:
Vegetus · 22/01/2024 14:07

Tell him to swivel on it.

Original poster
FrenchiFanci · 22/01/2024 14:08

Mumof2teens79 · 22/01/2024 14:04

It's not your fault if they are having sex in HIS house.

Reply "sorry you feel that way. I think they are both good sensible kids and so I don't check of they are studying at all times or not...they are allowed some down time. Its nothing to do with me what they do in your house and I won't be chaperoning them in mine."

Sorry I might have worded it wrong.
He doesn't think they are having sex in his house (they are never there) but believes they are at mine. I'm not sure if they are it's not something I care about - they are adult's effectively.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 22/01/2024 14:10

Oh dear. This sounds v unpleasant. The man has clearly lost all sense of boundaries.

I wouldn’t dream of calling you after you had replied. I don’t know what you said but I hope it didn’t wind him up further.

I can understand his angst about sex and her education but he is expressing it the wrong way.

I hope she moves away for uni.

If this is what he is saying to you I cannot imagine what he is saying to her.

Why not say your at work and can’t answer but you will be mindful of his concerns going forward

Dixiechickonhols · 22/01/2024 14:10

I’d have to reply I couldn’t ignore. I’d say something on lines of his dd is welcome to come over and they are both good hardworking teens who will be living away from home in 7 months time.
I’d tell her what her father has messaged and check she is ok and say she can speak to you or guidance person at school.
He sounds horrific.

TM1979 · 22/01/2024 14:11

Catza · 22/01/2024 13:52

"Your concern is noted. She is welcome in our house at any time. If you chose to forbid it, it is your prerogative but I will not be entertaining any more comments on my parenting. Kind regards, FrenchiFanci".

This!
Also tell him she’s almost an adult, you’re not a babysitter. He sounds like an asshole.

SpeedyDrama · 22/01/2024 14:13

I’d reply

’With the greatest of respect, our children are nearly adults and will be soon flying the nest. They’re both wonderful kids who are looking at a bright future. I will not interfere with their downtime after work however it’s spent. We’re all entitled to that, and privacy. They have 6 other days a week to concentrate on school matters. If you contact me again regarding this or questioning my parenting, I will block your number. I do not see fit to control every aspect of my son’s life at this stage and I’m certainly under no obligation to control what your daughter does.’.

FuckingHellAdele · 22/01/2024 14:14

As long as your son isn't going to get any grief from him (and it doesn't sound like he ever goes to his house), I'd just stick to my guns and ignore. Who does he think he is, demanding a response?! Dickhead.

He's just going to have to get over it

Heather37231 · 22/01/2024 14:17

It’s insane that he’s think they should be studying on a Sunday evening after a day at work!

Poor girl.

I like speedy drama’s response, other than the bit about “flying the nest” which is a bit cringey and not really necessary.

HermioneWeasley · 22/01/2024 14:18

They are 17 and 18. Frankly I’d be worried if they weren’t having sex.

you’ve acknowledged him with a firm but polite reply. He can phone as much as he likes. Interesting that he’s calling you and not your husband. He sounds like he is a bully.

Idontwantavaluablelimelesson · 22/01/2024 14:20

He really can't micromanage her sex life and even less so her study schedule to such a degree when she's practically an adult and I'd see it as a massive red flag that he's trying to. Don't engage with him, allow what you are comfortable with in your house as long as it's legal and concentrate less on what this man wants and more on providing a safe space for this lovely sounding girl. By the sounds of it lord knows she's going to need one

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 22/01/2024 14:22

I would tell the GF that she will always have a safe place at your home. That no matter the ime or situation she can call and she will be collected.
Because that man with a run away Russian wife is a walking stereotype.

I would really want to reply and absolutly rip into him asking him who the fuck he thinks he is.
But as DS has asked you not to I would honor him.
But I would block him....because that would send a man like him mad.

bjrce · 22/01/2024 14:23

I would absolutely not engage with him. He is looking for an argument - which you will never win. He's extremely rude! Who does he think he is - sending you mails like that - its interesting he's didn't text your husband! He's a bully to think he can send a women abusive texts.
I can't believe you haven't blocked him yet!

"Don't try to rationalise with a crazed animal!".

PieAndLattes · 22/01/2024 14:24

Just give the message the thumbs up emoji 👍

EvilElsa · 22/01/2024 14:24

To be honest I wouldn't even have responded to the first message. He's unhinged -the obsessive calling, the threats, the aggression -that's not normal behaviour. The wanting to "resolve" issues around one adult and one near adult having legal sex and not studying as much as he deems fit is is worrying and I'd be advising DS to steer well clear of him. Girlfriend is welcome at yours.
If he turns up at the door mouthing off call the police.

DeeLusional · 22/01/2024 14:26

End of the weekend, they have both worked a shift and he wants them to study? What an arse. I wouldn't have a clue what to suggest though.

NotQuiteNorma · 22/01/2024 14:26

Well you've given a really clear response that doesn't allow for any further discussion. That's more than fair enough. Let him keep trying to call, you are not obligated to answer. He may even want to say sorry for commenting on your parenting after the reply you gave lol

thing47 · 22/01/2024 14:26

Totally agree that GF's dad is over-the-top and has lost sight of the boundaries here. But before we all start insulting him, please bear in mind that he has raised his DD on his own for 14 years so the fact that @FrenchiFanci says she is a lovely, hard-working girl, well, that must come from him, surely?

Maybe he's scared that she is grown up and is becoming more independent and doesn't know how to deal with it in a calm manner. Maybe he has no one else he can turn to for advice about parenting an almost-adult DC. I have no direct experience of this situation, but I can well imagine that confronting the fact that his little girl is now a young woman soon to leave home could be daunting for a single dad… While I'd be really, really tempted to tell him that my parenting is none of his business, I'd like to think I'd try to de-escalate the situation first.

Iwasafool · 22/01/2024 14:27

I'd ignore him. I do feel sorry for your DS2 maybe because I was DD2 and always seemed to be unfavourably compared to DD1 often, but not always, unfairly.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 22/01/2024 14:29

thing47 · 22/01/2024 14:26

Totally agree that GF's dad is over-the-top and has lost sight of the boundaries here. But before we all start insulting him, please bear in mind that he has raised his DD on his own for 14 years so the fact that @FrenchiFanci says she is a lovely, hard-working girl, well, that must come from him, surely?

Maybe he's scared that she is grown up and is becoming more independent and doesn't know how to deal with it in a calm manner. Maybe he has no one else he can turn to for advice about parenting an almost-adult DC. I have no direct experience of this situation, but I can well imagine that confronting the fact that his little girl is now a young woman soon to leave home could be daunting for a single dad… While I'd be really, really tempted to tell him that my parenting is none of his business, I'd like to think I'd try to de-escalate the situation first.

The daughter called him a Psycho.

Lovely people can come from abusive homes. She could very well be who she is despite her environment

Daffodil18 · 22/01/2024 14:31

Don’t ignore him. He’s a bully and somebody needs to stand up to him. Tell him you will not tolerate his comments regarding your parenting and that your Son is an adult and if he chooses not to study then that’s his choice and that his DD is not your daughter so you cannot dictate what she does.

Round3HereWeGo · 22/01/2024 14:31

If he is still trying to call I would reply.

"You can stop calling. I've said all I have to say. I'm not going to discuss this with you. Parent as you wish and I shall do the same."

Then if he continues, block.

DeeLusional · 22/01/2024 14:32

DeeLusional · 22/01/2024 14:26

End of the weekend, they have both worked a shift and he wants them to study? What an arse. I wouldn't have a clue what to suggest though.

Actually, much as I HATE to suggest this and would only ever do this in extremis - In this situation, as gf's DF seems to be an unreasonable bully, if OP has a husband I would text this creep back and tell him to text DH as DH deals with these matters. Bet he backs down if he has to deal with a man.

IncompleteSenten · 22/01/2024 14:35

Don't answer the phone.
I bet you anything he wants to shout and bully you.

It it was me I'd text him saying stop trying to call me. We have nothing to speak about. If you have anything you want to say, do it by text so I have a record.

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