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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS' girlfriends dad

244 replies

FrenchiFanci · 22/01/2024 13:45

I have 2 kids DS1 turned 18 in October, is in Y13 and studying for his A-Levels.
He has a girlfriend, she's 17, also in Y13, they've been together for about 7 months. They are both very intelligent (A/A*a predicted), lovely kids (compared to DS2 anyway who is definitely a bit more troublesome). They never cause hassle and keep themselves to themselves.

Yesterday DS went to work 10-4 in a local supermarket, his gf also works (sports coaching) the same times on a Sunday. Afterwards they both came back to ours at about 4.30. Went upstairs to his room, ordered pizza around 7.30 then she left at 9.30 to go home. I didn't check in on them they were quiet and seemed to be fine.

This morning I get a message from her dad (he's a single dad) having a go at me as they didn't study at all, and he knows because he checked her books and she admitted they played sims and watched a movie. He has said unless I make sure to check in on them studying she won't be allowed over anymore.
I haven't replied.
I told DS via message and he replied with "yeah he's a bit psycho gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow".
I've left the message on read as I have no idea how to reply and I'm working from home.
Now he's tried to call twice and sent a follow up message saying this needs to be sorted, followed by another saying "it's because of your lax parenting that they are having sex in my house and that it's disgusting I allow it" (they are 17 and 18 I don't really care if they are having sex!!)
I'm totally lost on how to reply to this, they are good kids and she's a really lovely girl. We've never had her dad be like this before (an odd message when she's been home late but that's it)
AIBU to think this is concerning and be unsure how to reply or deal with this - any advice?

OP posts:
kisstheblarney · 23/01/2024 20:50

Middleagedspreadisreal · 23/01/2024 19:15

I get that his reactions are over the top, but he's been the sole parent of a girl for a long time and is probably struggling with the fact that his little girl is growing up and slipping through his fingers and he doesn't know how to deal with it. He's been 'in control' of her, what she does, where she goes etc, for a long time. Losing that control will be scary for him. So he comes across AS controlling. No excuse for rudeness, but I'd try and see things from his perspective.

Why? Why see it from his perspective and not make him see it from everyone else's perspective and point out that he's being a controlling and weird dick?

Middleagedspreadisreal · 23/01/2024 20:53

A controlling and weird dick? How understanding of you. Not.

pineapplesundae · 23/01/2024 21:02

Think I would play the diplomat for the girl’s sake. Someone may have put crazy ideas in his head. He thinks he’s being a good parent, even if he’s going about it the wrong way.

kisstheblarney · 23/01/2024 21:08

Middleagedspreadisreal · 23/01/2024 20:53

A controlling and weird dick? How understanding of you. Not.

What's to understand? A father wants to control his daughter's sex life and you think that's "normal" and we should sympathise!

Please do tell me why you think it's good parenting and he should be appeased? Why he should not be told his daughter is 17 and able to decide her own sexually partners and take responsibility for her studying, which she is apparently doing very well at!

She's not 12!

Moonshine5 · 23/01/2024 21:29

LaDamaDeElche · 23/01/2024 20:07

He’s not respecting her parenting style though, is he? He’s also been pretty rude in the messages to the point of insulting OP’s parenting style.

Show quote history

I think it's clear nether parent respect each others style.

Moonshine5 · 23/01/2024 21:29

*neither

Kerensa70 · 23/01/2024 21:57

I wouldn’t engage at all, ignore it. Sad he can’t communicate with you in a better way.

OldPerson · 24/01/2024 01:59

Yes you are being unreasonable. The dad wants his kid to do well at school - and is letting her be with your son and socialise and have sex. She's promised dad that she's studying at your house. (Her lies). But if you're not on the same parenting page and not encouraging your DS to prepare for exams, you're a nightmare for him. His daughter is rebelling. His daughter is not sharing his hopes for her to do well at exams. His daughter is playing irrelevant games at your home. Just put a limit on how much time his daughter spends at your house, and let him parent her. Why do you not respect him wanting his daughter to study? We all set boundaries for our children.

Pemba · 24/01/2024 08:34

That's not true at all @OldPerson . The girl (and the OP's son) are obviously both doing well with their studies, as they are getting exceptional grades.

The problem is that the girl's father is very controlling. I suspect that you also favour a very controlling style of parenting. He will end up driving his daughter away, as he refuses to accept that she is almost adult and can make her own choices.

kisstheblarney · 24/01/2024 08:49

OldPerson · 24/01/2024 01:59

Yes you are being unreasonable. The dad wants his kid to do well at school - and is letting her be with your son and socialise and have sex. She's promised dad that she's studying at your house. (Her lies). But if you're not on the same parenting page and not encouraging your DS to prepare for exams, you're a nightmare for him. His daughter is rebelling. His daughter is not sharing his hopes for her to do well at exams. His daughter is playing irrelevant games at your home. Just put a limit on how much time his daughter spends at your house, and let him parent her. Why do you not respect him wanting his daughter to study? We all set boundaries for our children.

Why is it up to OP to limit the tone at her house? She's happy to have the girl there, let her gather parent that controlling way if he wishes, but don't put the unnecessary burden on OP!

Just why would you even think that way?

How very odd!

kisstheblarney · 24/01/2024 08:54

OldPerson · 24/01/2024 01:59

Yes you are being unreasonable. The dad wants his kid to do well at school - and is letting her be with your son and socialise and have sex. She's promised dad that she's studying at your house. (Her lies). But if you're not on the same parenting page and not encouraging your DS to prepare for exams, you're a nightmare for him. His daughter is rebelling. His daughter is not sharing his hopes for her to do well at exams. His daughter is playing irrelevant games at your home. Just put a limit on how much time his daughter spends at your house, and let him parent her. Why do you not respect him wanting his daughter to study? We all set boundaries for our children.

He's not letting her have sex, she doesn't need his permission.

No woman needs permission of any man to have sex! Never ever!

CelestiaNoctis · 24/01/2024 09:35

17 and 18. So adults then pretty much. Why would you police them having sex or doing homework. Surely they've been doing homework since year 1 so are more than capable of doing it when necessary. Strange man. I'd ask the daughter what to reply to be honest lol. Sounds like he's worried about losing his grip on her.

Pumpkinpie1 · 24/01/2024 09:59

OP would your thoughts be the same if it was your daughter ?
Yes they are old enough to have sex but they are very young and accidents happen. I’m really surprised that you haven’t talked to your son about safe sex and being responsible .

Piksi55 · 24/01/2024 11:10

I don't think initially ignoring him is a good idea. It will probably make him even more unreasonable. Short message back along the lines of ones suggested, and then, once you have made it clear that the subject is not up for further discussion, then you can ignore him.

Jarstastic · 24/01/2024 11:28

CelestiaNoctis · 24/01/2024 09:35

17 and 18. So adults then pretty much. Why would you police them having sex or doing homework. Surely they've been doing homework since year 1 so are more than capable of doing it when necessary. Strange man. I'd ask the daughter what to reply to be honest lol. Sounds like he's worried about losing his grip on her.

I would assume as on track for A*, the Dad and the daughter have been planning for her to go to a top university.

if so, with the OP talking about missing a study session not going to make the difference between A and C, they are not on the same wave length.

dropping from A*s to As or Bs will mean she won’t get into the same universities. Grade offers are so much higher than when I went to university.

The dad has been bringing her up on his own and doesn’t want her to risk going off track for a boy she statistically won’t likely be with a year or two. (He also may not be impressed that it’s for a boy who didn’t walk her home on a dark night.) Seems he’s trying to balance that with her having a life (he has not for example stopped her from having a boyfriend, or going to the boyfriends house like some strict parents do). We don’t know what she was doing the rest of that week or why it was such an issue she didn’t study that evening (is she expected to study 7 nights a week, did she go to a big party the night before and only go around to boyfriends house on basis she would study this evening).

All that aside, he shouldn’t expect the OP to police his daughter in her house.

bubmut · 24/01/2024 13:21

I feel so sorry for your DS's girlfriend, what has she had to grow up in?

kisstheblarney · 24/01/2024 13:28

@Jarstastic so you think a 17 year old should be heavily parented until they go to uni, not being allowed to police their own study, find a balance of leisure/study time. Navigate themselves.....

Then in a few shorts months go to uni and.................... what happens then?

Surely they need to start learning now? I would also assume that the GFs father has spoken to her about safe sex...

Jarstastic · 24/01/2024 13:33

kisstheblarney · 24/01/2024 13:28

@Jarstastic so you think a 17 year old should be heavily parented until they go to uni, not being allowed to police their own study, find a balance of leisure/study time. Navigate themselves.....

Then in a few shorts months go to uni and.................... what happens then?

Surely they need to start learning now? I would also assume that the GFs father has spoken to her about safe sex...

No, I don't think that at all. And I certainly didn't say that.

I try to seek first to understand.

Here4thechocs · 24/01/2024 16:25

0MammaBear0 · 22/01/2024 15:18

I wouldn't let two teenagers alone in a bedroom without checking... You might not care whether your son is being intimate with this girl but that doesn't mean that's everyone's perspective, I would be pretty pissed off too if I were in his situation. So what happens if your son got her pregnant and then broke out with her? They're too young and immature to be expected to make mature responsible decisions and resist temptation. If she's such a lovely girl and such a good student I'd say that's because of his parenting, and it's disgusting to speculate what is going on in his private life with his ex. Not all men are abusive monsters and not all women are innocent victims, anything could have happened between them two, specially when she left without her own child. It's pretty immature to ignore his messages, so if I were you I'd reply politely that if he's not happy perhaps it would be better for his daughter to come to your house and that next time they should meet somewhere more public like a library.

Totally this. It’s mothers POV all the way.

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