DS' girlfriends dad

[FrenchiFanci]

I have 2 kids DS1 turned 18 in October, is in Y13 and studying for his A-Levels.
He has a girlfriend, she's 17, also in Y13, they've been together for about 7 months. They are both very intelligent (A/A*a predicted), lovely kids (compared to DS2 anyway who is definitely a bit more troublesome). They never cause hassle and keep themselves to themselves.

Yesterday DS went to work 10-4 in a local supermarket, his gf also works (sports coaching) the same times on a Sunday. Afterwards they both came back to ours at about 4.30. Went upstairs to his room, ordered pizza around 7.30 then she left at 9.30 to go home. I didn't check in on them they were quiet and seemed to be fine.

This morning I get a message from her dad (he's a single dad) having a go at me as they didn't study at all, and he knows because he checked her books and she admitted they played sims and watched a movie. He has said unless I make sure to check in on them studying she won't be allowed over anymore.
I haven't replied.
I told DS via message and he replied with "yeah he's a bit psycho gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow".
I've left the message on read as I have no idea how to reply and I'm working from home.
Now he's tried to call twice and sent a follow up message saying this needs to be sorted, followed by another saying "it's because of your lax parenting that they are having sex in my house and that it's disgusting I allow it" (they are 17 and 18 I don't really care if they are having sex!!)
I'm totally lost on how to reply to this, they are good kids and she's a really lovely girl. We've never had her dad be like this before (an odd message when she's been home late but that's it)
AIBU to think this is concerning and be unsure how to reply or deal with this - any advice?

No.. the son said her father was a bit psycho.

Read the thread carefully.

Exactly this! The perfect response! I wouldn't ignore his message, he needs to know he's out of order, without stooping to his level and being nasty back. It's then up to his daughter to also deal with him. It sounds like she's probably used to what he's like! What a dick!

Love this. Great reply.

There really is.
I must have missed the part where he previously agreed with OP that they must study at all times when together.

Also....at 17 you can only guide them. They need to make their own decisions and mistakes.

I know their ages. Still worth the embarrassment of a one minute convo to check they know how to get hold of contraception.

I have read the OP's posts but not the entire thread.

So the dad of a 17 year old girl is upset that she is telling him she is going to her BF's to study, but is then not studying and somehow he seems pretty confident that they are having sex at your house. By your own admission you do not mind if they are having sex as they are consenting adults.

Crumbs, I really see both points of view.

I honestly don't think you are doing anything wrong. You are respecting your son and his GF to determine for themselves how much they need to study, and recognising that in a healthy relationship sex is to be expected. It sounds like you have a really good relationship with your DS, probably as a result of your excellent parenting.

I also honestly sympathise with a single dad who is probably quite stressed about the fact that (in his eyes) his beautiful princess who has done so well all her life is now spending all her time with a BF that he doesn't know, and is not doing the studying she says she will do.

We don't know whether she has told him they are having sex or if he just assumes it, but I currently have a 16 year old DS and a 15 year old DD, and if in two years time I found out they were both having sex with their partners I really would not worry about my DS, but I think I would feel quite stressed and protective about my DD. And a big part of it is the risk of pregnancy yes.

But probably in a few months she has gone from being his little girl who was always at home and did her homework and got lots of grade 9s, to being someone he feels he doesn't know quite so well, who spends lots of her time at her BF's house, doesn't do the studying she said she was going to (apparently) and instead is getting distracted from her studies and potentially risking pregnancy by having sex with your son (in his opinion at least).

I know that most people on here are saying ignore him. I would say speak with him, sympathise with him, but also be very clear that you will not be checking on whether or not they are studying because you trust them and it is up to them to manage their work. If he wants to reduce the time they spend together to make sure that she gets her work done at home, then that is up to him.

You are not doing anything wrong, but I understand him worrying.

They’re 17 and 18 and in a relationship. They will know.. Aside from anything they will have covered it in school long ago.

Just reply sorry I got busy will check in future. Then ignore and carry on as you are. I

had parents like him if they thought I'd be having unsupervised time with a male I would not have been allowed to go. It's horrible to live like that. My then BF mum reassured my mother we don't go upstairs alone then let us upstairs alone- I was there as much as I could be because there I was treated so much better

@FrenchiFanci her dad sounds very controlling. Is she going to uni this Sept.
Are they hoping to go to same uni.
I think she needs help from her controlling dad, school may need to get involved.
It sounds very strange for a dad to mention sex to his adult daughter.

Dont assume everyone in Russia is the same as this one Russian person…..that’s racism

That's just such a bad take... So if you suspected your son were (hypothetically) doing crack in his bedroom you wouldn't intervene because "he's going to do it anyways outside the house then". you might be fine with your son shagging whoever he fancies, but clearly her father doesn't agree with your hands off parenting and cares for the safety and welfare of his daughter, from making sure she's not getting too distracted in her studies to not wanting his daughter to have an unplanned pregnancy (do you realise contraception is not a 100% guarantee?), to not wanting his daughter to suffer from heartache and trauma.

Of course they’ve covered it at school. That doesn’t mean they’ve managed to get themselves down to the gp/family planning clinic/whatever options are available where they live to get subsidized condoms and prescribed contraception. The conversation is not about telling them they need to use contraception, it’s about checking they’ve managed to sort it out practically and making it clear OP will help if need be - like giving a lift to the health centre or reassuring the gf that she can legally and practically make a medical appointment on her own without her dad’s knowledge or input.

No it isn’t its reality.😂 They’re 18 and 17 with uni and moving out very imminent.

You can buy condoms in any supermarket. They don’t need lifts anywhere.Eeww. Thats so intrusive.

Bit of a leap to go to something unsafe and illegal to compare with two people of legal age having protected sex but at least you've shown you weren't interested in a serious debate.

OP has also stated care for the safety and wellbeing of both her son and his gf.

You need money for that! If neither has a part time job yet they probably have limited funds. Condoms at the supermarket seem crazy expensive when you’re young. If they can get them free or highly subsidized then that’s a really good thing.
I’m not suggesting OP has ongoing talks about contraception with her son and his gf. Just that she checks once that they’ve actually sorted it. When was the first time you made your own dr’s appointment? I didn’t until I’d moved out of home and gone to uni. In university accommodation all this stuff is super easy because the student union/the university bombard students with all the info about health services at the start of the year. And you don’t have to hide anything from uncomfortable parents. It’s harder when you’re still living at home. You might think an offer of a lift to the family planning clinic is gross and intrusive. But OP will know whether it’s easy for her son and his gf to get there under their own steam or whether it’s really not. It depends on distances and public transport. In a city it should be pretty simple. If they live quite rural it could be very difficult if they don’t drive yet.

It is not that hard. Any rural area will have a bus route, they’ll be in education somewhere. No parent needs to be involved with the sex life of 17 and 18 year olds. It’s intrusive. My kids would be mortified and very uncomfortable. It’s just not appropriate at that age. The horse has well and truly bolted.

I’m quite amused that you believe there are practical bus services in all rural areas.

I'm cringing thinking of your poor kids and their bfs and gfs if that's how you approach the topic... 😬😬😬 Who not go a step further, put boxes of condoms everywhere in the house, bathroom, kitchen table, garden and randomly chuck them in his room when they are in together just for good measure. You seem way overinvested in other adults sexual life.

I’m amused you think these 17/18 year olds go to education establishments no where near any shops and they can’t access Amazon or free condoms available online.

She left at 9.30 alone in the dark to go home. Presume she dosent drive. Apologies if wrong.

Your son didn't see her home, her dad didn't collect her?
Can't believe nobody picked up on this.

This would be more worrying to me than anything.
I wouldn't think much of this and would never let a girl make her own way home in the winter at that time.😨

You may think that, however, you are wrong.

He gets her a babysitter when he travels for work?

Something isn’t right.

I would be talking to her about her father and whether she is happy there. I've never heard of a father talking to a girl like art about her weight. It's really horrible. I would speak to her about contraception, given she doesn't have a mum and doesn't get on with her dad. I would just speak to her in a friendly way and I would assure her I was there for her if she ever needed me.