DS' girlfriends dad

[FrenchiFanci]

I have 2 kids DS1 turned 18 in October, is in Y13 and studying for his A-Levels.
He has a girlfriend, she's 17, also in Y13, they've been together for about 7 months. They are both very intelligent (A/A*a predicted), lovely kids (compared to DS2 anyway who is definitely a bit more troublesome). They never cause hassle and keep themselves to themselves.

Yesterday DS went to work 10-4 in a local supermarket, his gf also works (sports coaching) the same times on a Sunday. Afterwards they both came back to ours at about 4.30. Went upstairs to his room, ordered pizza around 7.30 then she left at 9.30 to go home. I didn't check in on them they were quiet and seemed to be fine.

This morning I get a message from her dad (he's a single dad) having a go at me as they didn't study at all, and he knows because he checked her books and she admitted they played sims and watched a movie. He has said unless I make sure to check in on them studying she won't be allowed over anymore.
I haven't replied.
I told DS via message and he replied with "yeah he's a bit psycho gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow".
I've left the message on read as I have no idea how to reply and I'm working from home.
Now he's tried to call twice and sent a follow up message saying this needs to be sorted, followed by another saying "it's because of your lax parenting that they are having sex in my house and that it's disgusting I allow it" (they are 17 and 18 I don't really care if they are having sex!!)
I'm totally lost on how to reply to this, they are good kids and she's a really lovely girl. We've never had her dad be like this before (an odd message when she's been home late but that's it)
AIBU to think this is concerning and be unsure how to reply or deal with this - any advice?

I agree with this.

My dm and I used to argue non-stop when I was this age. Back then I would have said that she was overprotective and a bit psycho too. Looking back it’s obvious that she could see that I was being distracted by my boyfriend at the time and didn’t want to see me piss my future away on some boy.

He shouldn’t be getting involved but I can understand his concern. My ds is in Y13 and while I want him to have a life he knows that if he wants to get into his chosen uni he needs to get his head down this year and focus. I can’t imagine any parent in real life being completely unconcerned that their dc was spending time with their girlfriend or boyfriend and not studying. I may not comment but I do keep a discrete eye on the work ds is doing, as does dh who is far more laid back that me.

She didn’t.

I told DS via message and he replied with "yeah he's a bit psycho gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow".

I can’t imagine any parent in real life being completely unconcerned that their dc was spending time with their girlfriend or boyfriend and not studying.

After 5pm on a Sunday, after a day at work?

I agree with comments about de-escalating. I'd reply with something very neutral like "Hi, hope you're well, okay I'll try and ensure they fit in some studying".

There is no point inflaming the situation. At the moment he is happy for her to come to yours, which is probably a great benefit to her.

My ds works and always studies either before or after, depending on his shift. Kids study after school, I don’t see how this is any different.

Good reply. Then block him.

He sounds Crazy, Poor girl.... wont be surprised if she has nothing to do with him when shes older. and he will never know why because they are never in the wrong

I would be tempted to reply
'SO sorry. Every time i went to check if they were studying I could hear them having disgusting sex so didn't want to intrude.
Best wishes!'

Still makes the same point. He's a bit psycho. He's sending these messages.
He's an angry, controlling twat.

So would I. Or else I would merely say that I do my best and if that is not good enough for him, he must decide what he is going to do about it.

Honestly, what does it matter that they didn't study for one day, when they are both doing so well? It will make no difference. As for the sex, I do get some people don't like the idea while their children are relatively young but it happens and, as long as they are careful, will do no harm. It isn't your fault if they are having sex, it takes two to tango and short of policing them 24/7, there is nothing that will stop them.

The guy needs to chill.

Report him to the police?

Of course it doesn't make the same point. How many dads (especially single ones) are going to love the fact that their 17-year-old daughter is having sex with her boyfriend? Yes they are having sex, we all know that, but that doesn't mean he has to like it, does it?

OP's DS said to his mum: "yeah he's a bit psycho gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow". Doesn't scream abusive arsehole to me.

Report to the police?? For what?

I think the best thing to do would be to no longer engage. You have made your stance clear. He wants to fight with you.

Re the daughter- speak to your son, say you’re a bit concerned, (don’t give too many details) and reiterate your house is a warm safe space for her. And to keep an eye on her.

I would worry about your DS going to his GF's house. The Father sounds a bit over protective and your DS could get the brunt of it.

I agree with the suggestion to try to cool it down, 'Yes I'll remind them they have to study, they are usually pretty organised about it and their grades are good.'

For what?!

Ignore, ignore, ignore

Whatever you say will be wrong.

I disagree with a PP who s ays tell the girlfriend she is welcome any time and you are a 'safe house' effectively.

There are too many examples on MN where well meaning parents have done this, only to find themselves in a very complicated set up when their son wants to end the relationship and the girlfriend has burned her boats with her own family.

She is just a girlfriend and it may not last.

Don't offer more than its worth.

@Catza nailed it 👏

He has raised a child on his own and, whether male or female, that is tough. It sounds like he has done a good job. He wants the best for his daughter and we can say he is overprotective but the reality is that if his daughter gets pregnant it is her who will have to deal with the majority of the consequences. His means of communication are not great (to say the least) but I think everyone piling in on the guy when we have so little information beyond ‘single parent, wants best for his daughter but rubbish at communicating’ is just not right.

To encourage the police to go round his house and put a bit of pressure on him. In my experience policemen quite enjoy doing that.

I agree, he shouldn’t be sending messages. He is very wrong to be putting this on op. However I don’t see how you can say that he’s a psycho when his own dd is saying that he’ll soon be over it. He’s overreacting massively but I think it’s coming from a place of concern.

Tbh I wouldn’t be happy with a child of mine referring to the parent of their boy/girlfriend as a psycho. It demonstrates a real lack of respect. My boyfriend at that age used to do this. He knew my dm could see straight through him so he tried to turn me against her.

Many men are pedophiles. A psycho is not far off that. You are right to be very concerned.

Kids are also entitled to spend an evening together without studying, especially when they have both been working all day.

WTAF? I mean, he sounds like a twat but, WTAF?

He sounds like my mother when I was 18 - she was horrified that my then 20 year old boyfriend's (ended up being 1st husband, another story in itself) parents let me be with him alone in his bedroom. She was utterly determined that she could somehow stop me having sex until I was married (failed miserably on that one...but she was right, we were having sex in his bedroom!).

I'm sure if mobile phones had been invented back then (1986) my boyfriend's mother would have probably got exactly the same text...

I would have ignored it, personally.

I would just say

"Hi x, you obviously feel very strongly about this. I am afraid that I don't agree with parents enforcing study at this age, as it is important for children to learn independence prior to university. Our house rules work for us. Very best wishes"