DS' girlfriends dad

[FrenchiFanci]

I have 2 kids DS1 turned 18 in October, is in Y13 and studying for his A-Levels.
He has a girlfriend, she's 17, also in Y13, they've been together for about 7 months. They are both very intelligent (A/A*a predicted), lovely kids (compared to DS2 anyway who is definitely a bit more troublesome). They never cause hassle and keep themselves to themselves.

Yesterday DS went to work 10-4 in a local supermarket, his gf also works (sports coaching) the same times on a Sunday. Afterwards they both came back to ours at about 4.30. Went upstairs to his room, ordered pizza around 7.30 then she left at 9.30 to go home. I didn't check in on them they were quiet and seemed to be fine.

This morning I get a message from her dad (he's a single dad) having a go at me as they didn't study at all, and he knows because he checked her books and she admitted they played sims and watched a movie. He has said unless I make sure to check in on them studying she won't be allowed over anymore.
I haven't replied.
I told DS via message and he replied with "yeah he's a bit psycho gf says not to worry he will be over it by tomorrow".
I've left the message on read as I have no idea how to reply and I'm working from home.
Now he's tried to call twice and sent a follow up message saying this needs to be sorted, followed by another saying "it's because of your lax parenting that they are having sex in my house and that it's disgusting I allow it" (they are 17 and 18 I don't really care if they are having sex!!)
I'm totally lost on how to reply to this, they are good kids and she's a really lovely girl. We've never had her dad be like this before (an odd message when she's been home late but that's it)
AIBU to think this is concerning and be unsure how to reply or deal with this - any advice?

I'd reply with a simple:

👍

I wouldn't let two teenagers alone in a bedroom without checking... You might not care whether your son is being intimate with this girl but that doesn't mean that's everyone's perspective, I would be pretty pissed off too if I were in his situation. So what happens if your son got her pregnant and then broke out with her? They're too young and immature to be expected to make mature responsible decisions and resist temptation. If she's such a lovely girl and such a good student I'd say that's because of his parenting, and it's disgusting to speculate what is going on in his private life with his ex. Not all men are abusive monsters and not all women are innocent victims, anything could have happened between them two, specially when she left without her own child. It's pretty immature to ignore his messages, so if I were you I'd reply politely that if he's not happy perhaps it would be better for his daughter to come to your house and that next time they should meet somewhere more public like a library.

I didn’t say they weren’t. They are absolutely entitled to do whatever they like, you can’t and shouldn’t force teenagers to do anything which is where this man is misguided. However I am very glad that my kids understand that their choices now could affect their results and what uni they attend. Thankfully ds is making his choices based on his future, not on a girlfriend that he likely won’t even speak to in a year.

I’m still not sure why a day at work is any different to a day at school though? Ds is far more tired after learning at school than after his unskilled part time job.

Id reply to make things clear in the hope he wouldn't do it again. Something like "Your DD was a guest of my son in my home, and at 17, not a child requiring my supervision. Any issues you have with your DD are a private matter between you, and I don't think its appropriate for you to involve me."

Delete and ignore it.

@SchoolQuestionnaire

Are A levels so hard now that kids can't have an evening off? Genuine question. I almost never did homework for mine as I did it all in the library in free periods, had a bf, competed in sports after school etc, had a social life and job and got 4 As. Maybe I was unusual, but most of my friends attended parties and things and got good grades. I'm mid 30s, but I assumed it would be possible now?

I was expecting there to be one. They are over the age of consent, if they want to have sex they will (and I'm sure they have) if not in my house, then cars, a friends or even a hotel.
He's 18 he can move out if he wants and he's 17 nearly 18.
I will not police my son's life it's ridiculous.
She's smart I'm sure she's using contraception and I know my son knows to use condoms.
My son studies every night of the week and is predicted amazing grades and he works. I'm absolutely not going to be a tyrant of his life when he is 18 years old.

@0MammaBear0

But in six months time he might be at university shagging away. Is the six months that significant as regards likelihood of pregnancy?

I would reply - My son does his school work before he spends time with his friends. I will leave you to parent X in the way you see fit.

Sounds like he’s getting exam stress.
I know of parents who became quite crazy when their kids were doing A levels and the parents desperately wanted them to get into a good Uni so they could basically show off.
Sounds like he’s living his life through his daughter, so many people do.

As he keeps trying to contact you I would simply respond with I’m sorry you feel like that and invite him over to have a conversation with both kids there too.

Perhaps the kids can agree to doing a bit of work whilst they are at yours.

In theory I would

1. Be upset / annoyed if my 17 year old daughter lied to me (about studying).
2. Was spending time with her adult boyfriend instead of focusing on her A levels
3. Appreciate the fact my daughter could get pregnant whilst your son can't.
4. Show empathy to a parent whose wife left him to raise the family: you don't know what happened.

Also at least her dad is concerned / interested about her wellbeing. I'm not saying OP is doing anything wrong but should respect different patterning styles.

@SchoolQuestionnaire
They are both predicted A/A* in every subject, they both study loads in the week, if anything DS has studied more since they became a thing than before!!
It's up to him when he studies and he has said he prefers to spend weekend time with friends/girlfriend, especially after work as there is no social aspect to work, where as at school he has lunch and break, walk to and from etc. with his friends.
DS is an extrovert if he went 24 hours with no real socialising he'd get pretty down!

You sound like a great Mum!

At almost 18 I'd just say that they're almost adults and seem very capable of looking after themselves so you won't be offering any supervision.

Are teenagers really not allowed any down time? They study all week!!
Is it just school, work and studying? Surely 5 hours spent relaxing isn't going to be the difference between A* and C !!

I have never said that kids shouldn’t have a night off. I said that I can’t understand why a day at work is any different to a day at school and should automatically mean that they categorically shouldn’t study that particular day.

It's about how the dad is speaking to OP and his persistant calls. It's not about parenting styles. He doesn't get a say over how OP decides to deal with the bf/gf when in her house.

OP you’ve noted your thoughts on @Moonshine5 s issue 2.
What are your thoughts on issues 1, 3 and 4.??

Personally I think they are worth noting as I’m assuming you are on MN for advice / thoughts.

Thoughts?

I would either not reply or if you really wanted to for the girls sake just reply 'ok no problem' and not engage in it any further

How intrusive of him. I wouldn't want my son in their house. I'd want to say something like, 'no more messages of this type thank you, goodbye'.

This is perfect.

@Justpontificating

1. There is nothing to say she did lie, for all we know he assumed - also not my child not my problem
2. I'm sure they are using birth control, we don't expect anyone to just never have sex incase they get pregnant - odd mindset, as long as they are taking the necessary precautions they are over the age of consent so not mine or anyone else's business
3. Won't go into to depth on this but I got the impression from the way she talks about her dad that she isn't fond of him or happy at home.

She has refused meals here before because "my dad thinks I'm getting a little fat" - she's tall and skinny as can be - barely a size 6. I have a feeling that there is more than meets the eye so have no sympathy for him.

Crikey, if he wants to drive his daughter away, he's going about it the right way!

Weirdo.

This probably hasn’t come across as I do have some sympathy for the gf’s dad (although that doesn’t extend to his behaviour), but I don’t think you are wrong in this at all. Your ds is obviously doing well and has his schedule sorted which is great.

However you don’t actually know if his girlfriend has the same priorities. You don’t know if she’s always worked hard but recently become distracted. Most crucially, you don’t know how often she has told her dad that she’s studying when she’s actually busy shagging your son.

His behaviour is outrageous, and not at all likely to have the desired effect, but I reiterate that I think it’s coming from a place of concern. It’s all very well calling him a psycho and ignoring him but he may very well be justified in his concerns. My dm was quite right to worry that I was losing focus at that age because of a boyfriend. Thankfully she took action and I didn’t end up pissing my future away.

Agree. Also she is still under 18 and the son is 18. (e.g. if he has any nude photos of her, OP could have police and social services at her door).
I'd be careful of saying it until she's turned 18.

I would reply

Parent your child as you see fit

Then block