Husband went out didn't come home until 8.15 says I am being unreasonable to be angry he didn't text and let me know

[jobajubs13]

AIBU to ask my husband to text me in a night out the odd time to let me know he is ok or when he is on his way home
He went out over the weekend with his friend and they met up with my MIL and her husband he text when he got to the pub and then nothing which is fine I don't text him or initiate texting when he is out however I do ask that he just lets me know he is safe and few times during the night I don't reply to these messages if I get them just let him crack on but have price of mind he is safe anyway Sunday morning I woke up at 6am and he still wasn't home so I rang no answer obvs starting to get worried this is unusual and no text or nothing anyway a rang again and he answered clearly drunk and said he was at his mums him and his mate has gone back there and they had stayed up drinking he eventually returned home bladdered at 8.15 I had a pop saying he was out of order for not even sparing me a text to let me know that he was safe and at his mums he then fill on kicked off that basically I just have an issue with him going out altogether and he avoids going out because I ask him to check in a few times with a message so I don't worry even though I don't reply and don't expect him to be texting me continuously throughout the night AIBU? I don't have an issue with how long he stays out just want to know that he isn't in a ditch or a hospital in todays society it's not that far of a reach to say it can be quite unsafe

I think it's unreasonable to expect him to send you several messages on a night out to let you know he was safe, however if he wasn't coming home until the morning he should at that point have let you know he was staying out.

If I was out all night, I'd send my husband a few texts to say where I was/when to expect me home. That's just good manners and consideration for a partner. Especially if they were picking up my slack and looking after our children - the least I could do is let them know how long they'd be doing everything by themselves!

But actually, irl, I wouldn't be out all night drinking and my husband wouldn't have to worry about me getting into fights etc, because I'm not an immature twat and I remember that I have a family, whose care is not optional or to be dumped on my spouse with no notice!

Honestly women, set the bar higher for what you will accept in a man!

He should let you know he’s staying out. I used to get annoyed w dh when he did this - many moon ago as were boring old farts now! He said he didn’t cos it would wake me up, but I prefer to be woken than thinking he was dead in a ditch. If you say you’re home after pub and don’t roll in til 2am I’m gonna worry.

I would be furious

Yanbu.

My husband texts me on a night out to:
Tell me the gossip
Moan about people
Say something filthy

And then depending on how drunk he is he will tell me all the things he would buy my if he was rich, and beg me for a lift home because he spend all his money on beer and a kebab 🤣

I’m not sure why you’re concluding YANBU then, because your husband is effectively letting you know he’s safe by texting you about lighthearted stuff, then you get to actually see that he’s all right when he gets a lift home with you.

What?

Why wouldn’t she conclude YANBU?

Like the OP, she thinks partners should keep a level of contact up.

To be honest I think your quite OTT. After a few drinks he probably didn't text at all because he is trying to enjoy himself and your treating him like he's 11. I think he should of text you/ updated you as to whereabouts/ what's going on because he stayed out only. But not other than that to check that that's ok; let you know he's ok etc with it being till 08:30. He didn't do this because your intense and he's fed up. Bit childish, but people tend to act that way when you treat them like a kid...so understandable 🤷🤷

Nope. Wouldn't dare do that to my wife and kids. My wife would hang me out to dry lol. Always keep in touch. Not because I feel like she doesn't trust me but out of respect for my wife. It isn't hard to text, takes a couple of seconds.

I don't have young kids but these are my thoughts

When my husband goes out, he sets an expectation of his return time, "will be back by midnight". If that changes, in that he is coming back later, I would expect a text regardless of kids being involved. Given you have a young baby and have been struggling with sleep, I would expect that text to say something along the lines of, "having a good time and planning on going back to mums for a few drinks if you don't mind, any problems text me and I'll come back!" So if I'm asleep at this point , when I wake up I know where he is and not to be concerned but reassured he has spared some thought with me at home with kids, specifically a young baby. If he subsequently decides to stay at mums, I would expect another text.

I know in this case you are confident of his whereabouts and trust him, the issue is his lack of consideration for your peace of mind.

But... and this is many years ago (1960's), my dad loved the old fashioned dinner dances and with three young kids mum couldn't or didn't want to go all the time. So dad went with his mum, dad, sister and her husband. His mum and dad were landlords and could drink. They used to have photographers in attendance (way before mobile phones). Weeks later the family would produces photos of the family, all dressed up having fun. To cut a long story short, dad met someone at these events and she became a regular fixture at these outings. My grandparents thought it would blow over and was just a blip. Then they decided it was their son and if he was unhappy with mum they had to support him. Mum eventually found out as some kind soul showed some group photos from the event that had been hidden from her previously. It was a nasty divorce, not least because when my mum had an inkling dad was pulling away and discussed it with her SIL and MIL, asking for guidance, they repeatedly told her she was imagining it!

So you are confident in your relationship and thats good but your husband needs to appreciate that he needs to show common decency and tell you if he is not coming home and where he
will be as not everyone would be as trusting as you. Ultimately its about respecting your peace of mind. When he loses that respect and trust, the marriage is done!

Just ask him to decide in advance he's out overnight or text that once decided then there's no issue

I mean when I go on a night out I don't always think to pick up my phone and text with anybody, most times I prefer to be present. I will glance at my phone here and there to check nobody has tried to contact me, but if they haven't it gets tucked back away into my bag. Generally my partner will message me and just ask how the night is going and I will reply when I see it, or I will text to see how the kids were and if they settled into bed OK. The same stands for when he goes out. Why don't you reply when he does message? Why not a quick "glad you're having a nice time, thanks for letting me know you're safe" or a "ok see you when you're home, love you". I can understand why he might feel that you don't like him going out, your response to it all seems a bit passive aggressive...

That being said, if my partner never came home and didn't rock up until the following morning shit-faced without so much as a message letting me know then I would be raging. A quick message saying that he was leaving the pub and heading back to his mums for more drinks would have been fair enough, but completely leaving you in the dark and allowing you to wake up and worry about where he could be is out of order.

Sounds to me like you both need to sit and properly communicate, set some boundaries and let eachother know where you both stand. You can't respect eachothers feelings if you don't know how.

Do you text him when you are out all day/night

I don't think yabu especially considering you have children. It doesn't sound like you expect a constant barrage of texts, and one or two isn't unreasonable. And sometimes ptsd (assuming based on him 'getting in his head' and having therapy, sorry if I'm wrong) can make people behave a bit erratic sometimes, particularly when drunk so it makes sense you might worry a bit more. Maybe communicate again when he's sober that it is coming from a place of concern not control? Definitely not unreasonable to be annoyed that he stayed out all night without letting you know then came home wasted, I'd be fuming!

Don't understand those saying YABU to expect a text to check in but YANBU to expect a text to say he's staying out. People, those are the same thing

It's common courtesy to let your significant other know if your night out turns into an overnight out. Especially when they're left to unexpectedly deal with the kids. Not to mention the worry of what might have happened.

Got it in 1. X

I wouldn't expect texts during the night, this seems controlling, is there a reason you're worried?

My partner will sometimes text me with a funny picture, or ask about the kids. But that's his choice, I wouldn't expect it and I try not to disturb his time with friends.

I would expect to know if he's not coming home, that's basic respect.

I'm guessing he's feeling controlled, so acting out. He should just talk to you.

Why don’t you read op’s replies?

She’s worried because he’s a military vet with mental health problems who has found himself involved with trouble when he’s out drinking.

I agree with you, I would be furious, so he goes gets drunk and doesn't even bother to communicate with the mother of his kids that it's at home for them? And he sleeps whenever he wants without a word, ha... What a life this guy is having. Do to him the same, sometimes those kind of people only understand when they feel it on their skin. Selfish little man, I wouldn't be with a.man like that for sure. I would be so stressed and unhappy, not worth it.

For us if he is not coming home. I just need to know he is in safe. Ie. In micks home in morning! If he said I'll be home about midnight and was staying out longer just let me know so I'm not worrying.

If hes stopping out then he should let you know, otherwise no defo not. If I was out I wouldnt expect to have to keep texting someone. Although Id never be out all night unless prearranged.

I dont think your being unreasonable ATALL! I would expect the exact same from my partner going on a night out, all these people saying it comes across as controlling clearly have no idea what controlling actually is, because this is far from it, just as we worry about our kids on nights out or out late etc, we are also allowed to worry about our partners. Just ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your only asking for a little bit of communication while hes out to ease your mind. Hope he sees your side x