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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband went out didn't come home until 8.15 says I am being unreasonable to be angry he didn't text and let me know

172 replies

jobajubs13 · 22/01/2024 10:21

AIBU to ask my husband to text me in a night out the odd time to let me know he is ok or when he is on his way home
He went out over the weekend with his friend and they met up with my MIL and her husband he text when he got to the pub and then nothing which is fine I don't text him or initiate texting when he is out however I do ask that he just lets me know he is safe and few times during the night I don't reply to these messages if I get them just let him crack on but have price of mind he is safe anyway Sunday morning I woke up at 6am and he still wasn't home so I rang no answer obvs starting to get worried this is unusual and no text or nothing anyway a rang again and he answered clearly drunk and said he was at his mums him and his mate has gone back there and they had stayed up drinking he eventually returned home bladdered at 8.15 I had a pop saying he was out of order for not even sparing me a text to let me know that he was safe and at his mums he then fill on kicked off that basically I just have an issue with him going out altogether and he avoids going out because I ask him to check in a few times with a message so I don't worry even though I don't reply and don't expect him to be texting me continuously throughout the night AIBU? I don't have an issue with how long he stays out just want to know that he isn't in a ditch or a hospital in todays society it's not that far of a reach to say it can be quite unsafe

OP posts:
Original poster
jobajubs13 · 22/01/2024 10:22

Just to clarify I mean 8.15am!

OP posts:
Sleepproblems · 22/01/2024 10:23

YANBU and if you have kids - this is an absolute joke as he’s just as much a responsible parent as you are. How often is this happening?

idontlikealdi · 22/01/2024 10:25

Expecting a few texts during the night is a bit OTT imo, but he should have let you know he was staying out.

helpfulperson · 22/01/2024 10:26

I don't disagree he should text if he is out unti the next morning but expecting him to text a few times on a night out so you know he is safe is OTT.

VisionsOfSplendour · 22/01/2024 10:27

Texting when he's out to say he's safe is a bit weird unless you live in a warzone but not letting you know he's staying out all night is unreasonable, that's basic courtesy

fedupwithbeinghot · 22/01/2024 10:27

I think expecting texts throughout the night is very unreasonable. He's not 17! I have a son at university. I'd go mad if he was texting me every few hours when he's out.

Mindyour0wn · 22/01/2024 10:27

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to know if your husband is planning on staying out all night, no. Him going back to his mums to drink until the next day then losing his rag when questioned about it would be a massive turn off for me.

FloofCloud · 22/01/2024 10:28

He's getting the hump because he's in the wrong!
Give him a taste of his own medicine! ... or just leave if he's this childish and shit about everything
Good luck!

WandaWonder · 22/01/2024 10:32

One text to say not coming home, why on earth the need for additional ones?

DidntReallyMeanIt · 22/01/2024 10:35

There's two issues here.

He should've text to say he won't be home so YANBU there.

But expecting him to text you a few times when he's out is OTT so YABU there.

And that really does make it look like you have a problem with him going out, so I don't blame him for thinking that.

If my DH expected that, I'd remind him I'm not a child and he's not my father.

unsurprised · 22/01/2024 10:40

Yes, he should have let you know he was staying out.

Drinking until 8.15am is binge drinking - dangerous for his health and the rest of your family too. Can your family afford it?

MartinsSpareCalculator · 22/01/2024 10:43

Of course he should let you know if he's staying out all night. But he's not a child, so the expectation of him texting you every few hours is ridiculous and comes across as controlling.

NoKateMoss · 22/01/2024 10:43

Agree with you that staying out all night and not letting you know is unacceptable. I wouldn't want my husband getting that drunk either. I wonder though if he's rebelling a bit because a few texts a night to let you know he's safe is a bit much.

Ghentsummer · 22/01/2024 10:43

He should have let you know he was staying at his mum's but no, he doesn't need to send you multiple texts throughout the evening. Are you wanting to keep tabs on him, put him off going out or make sure you're always on his mind? Because you sound pretty controlling with the need for frequent check ins.

2jacqi · 22/01/2024 10:44

@jobajubs13 and was he really at his mum's house????? I dont know a mum of her expected age who would stay up all night drinking!

JadziaD · 22/01/2024 10:44

YABU to ask him to send you regular updates.

YANBU to expect a text around the time he'd usually be heading home tp say that actually, he's staying out.

Mumtoboys82 · 22/01/2024 10:46

He absolutely doesn't need to be texting you through the evening, that's unreasonable. He should have let you know he wasn't coming home though.

Original poster
jobajubs13 · 22/01/2024 10:49

Yes his mum used to be quite the drinker and he was defo at his mum house I could hear her husband in the background when I spoke to him

I think you may have misinterpreted the few texts I don't ask for a time for him to be home or to give me a time I ask for him to just check in if it get to 2-3am so I know he is safe and staying out that's all

Yes we have 3 children 13,11 and 9 months he doesn't go often few times a year and is usually early hours when he comes home which I don't have an issue with also think it's important to mention he is a military vet and there have been times when drinking his mind can get the better of him hence the just let me know you are ok

OP posts:
TheDuck2018 · 22/01/2024 10:49

YABVU to expect texts through the night, that's just ridiculous, and I wouldn't be messaging you if I were him.

YANBU to expect a quick text to let you know he's on his way home.

ChangeAgain2 · 22/01/2024 10:49

I think expecting texts during a night out is unreasonable. It means he always has to have you in his mind. It's absolutely not something I'd do or agree to.

I think not texting to say he's staying out and won't be home is really rude and inconsiderate.

unsurprised · 22/01/2024 10:52

He left you with all the childcare yesterday - really selfish. He needs to grow up.

DirtyKit · 22/01/2024 10:52

Agree with PP. Texts throughout the night is very OTT even if all they are saying is “I’m safe”. Why do you feel you need these?

not letting you know he is staying out is unreasonable. That said, arguing with someone who is drunk is a fools errand.

HalloumiGeller · 22/01/2024 10:53

I do think expecting a few texts over the course of the night is abit OTT ngl. When you're out having a good time you just don't think to get your phone out to "check in" I certainly don't.

Original poster
jobajubs13 · 22/01/2024 10:54

Also he is now giving me the silent treatment as if I'm in the wrong for being annoyed at waking up to not even a text to let me know

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 22/01/2024 10:55

He’s a grown man and his own person, you are being unreasonable to expect him to text you to “check in” when he’s on a night out.

BUT if he was going to be out until 8am, I’d have expected just a quick message to say “btw, staying at mums see you in the morning”