Husband went out didn't come home until 8.15 says I am being unreasonable to be angry he didn't text and let me know

[jobajubs13]

AIBU to ask my husband to text me in a night out the odd time to let me know he is ok or when he is on his way home
He went out over the weekend with his friend and they met up with my MIL and her husband he text when he got to the pub and then nothing which is fine I don't text him or initiate texting when he is out however I do ask that he just lets me know he is safe and few times during the night I don't reply to these messages if I get them just let him crack on but have price of mind he is safe anyway Sunday morning I woke up at 6am and he still wasn't home so I rang no answer obvs starting to get worried this is unusual and no text or nothing anyway a rang again and he answered clearly drunk and said he was at his mums him and his mate has gone back there and they had stayed up drinking he eventually returned home bladdered at 8.15 I had a pop saying he was out of order for not even sparing me a text to let me know that he was safe and at his mums he then fill on kicked off that basically I just have an issue with him going out altogether and he avoids going out because I ask him to check in a few times with a message so I don't worry even though I don't reply and don't expect him to be texting me continuously throughout the night AIBU? I don't have an issue with how long he stays out just want to know that he isn't in a ditch or a hospital in todays society it's not that far of a reach to say it can be quite unsafe

Well at that point I didn't know where he was as pub would be shut down

Yes we have discussed it he seen occi heath and speaks to his ex military friends about it

Yes I'm good friends with the friend have both been out with them and they come round regularly we are godparents to his son I have been out on nights out with them plenty of times but not at all now really as I have the kids my mums passed away and my dads disabled leaving only his mum to help out with baby sitting if we needed

No an Uber

not read the whole thread.
On the one hand I think it is reasonable to be able to check someone is ok and ask for a pre agreed confirmation of status/location (one mind you, not multiple).

On the other hand, the guy ended up at his mothers and spent the whole night drinking and was obviously incapacitated during the call in the morning. Maybe I am too soft and it all depends on what he agreed to do the following day (ie the day of the morning you spoke to him and he was still drunk) but FGS its not like he is all over the place getting up to trouble is it? he is at his mums house whatever you think of that on a stand alone basis, there are millions of women out there who, in the face of their own husbands going out, would LOVE to think their husbands will end up pissed but at their mums house (not in the bed of a prostitute, in a police station cell, or in serious harm somewhere lying on a street). Lets keep this in context.

YANBU

It honestly seems that it’s only men that do this ! It’s extremely selfish .

My husband went through a stage of doing this a few years back, he would go out with his friends after work and then roll in in the early hours. I didn’t mind him going out , we don’t have children together - so it’s not like I was arsey because I would be stuck in with the children , he would always watch them if I wanted to go out and their dad is very much involved anyway . It’s not that I mind him coming back drunk either - he just goes to bed , it’s no issue. If he goes out and it’s planned I actually quite like having the night to myself ! Ill have a bath , get some snacks , read a book - my perfect night! Or I’ll do something with the children , go to a friends who has children , have a movie night etc .

My issue is - it’s always “ I’m only having one then I’ll be home “ so I’m waiting to do dinner etc , or he just goes MIA ! Then I’m worrying or I’m thinking does he have his key can I lock the door and it’s bloody annoying! Also disrespectful! I can’t imagine the reaction if I did that! We trust each other and no reason not to but I know if I did he would be suspicious, or lecturing me . One time I did - no kids were at home it was years ago and I went for food and me and my friend just drank a lot and decided to revisit our youth and went clubbing ( it was such a good night I have to say !! It was just a random weeknight 🤣 ) I kept in touch with him so he knew who I was with etc but I rolled up at 5am as he was leaving for work - this is the ONE time I did this compared to god knows how many for him - and he looked at me like I was an awful person , said how worried he had been and even later in the day started questioning me about where I had actually been ( don’t worry I didn’t stand did it 🤣) but I did say look how it feels !!

Anyway, he was doing it a fair bit and I had enough . I told him go out when you want , I don’t care I’ll tell you to have a good time and that’s it but the next time you say you’re coming home in an hour and you don’t then the door will be locked and we will be done. He hasn’t done it since !

Or even - mind blowing as it may seem - "how are you and the kids"? There's a crazy thought

@unsurprised

give over! It’s not an everyday thing! Not every penny has to be “family money”!

@EveryDayIsASchoolDayOnMN

its a night out, not a six month expedition!
does op message him asking him how he is and how is the kids when she goes on a night out?

This is completely reasonable but Mumsnet seems to be full of the worst kind of Cool Girls who think anything other than staying completely silent and not even privately worrying when your loved one and life partner is out beyond expected parameters means that you are a controlling harridan who hates that their partner has fun and wishes him to be miserable.

YANBU. Try to ignore all the snarking from those who can't be bothered to read your updates and prefer just to pile on and tell you off.

IMO this is selfish arsehole mode. I lived with someone like this, we had children and he pulled this crap alot. Been divorced for years and would never tolerate this again, even once is out of order.

An independent social life is fine, but people don't need or deserve blowouts. He could have spent a couple of hundred quid yesterday including the Uber - during January!

Three children at home, one a baby under one. I'm just amazed that expectations are so staggeringly low.

No wonder so many middle-aged men are overweight and red-faced.

He's still pissed so I wouldn't expect any sense out of him until he's sober.

I guess he never texted you to say he was on his way home because he hadn't set off? Not unreasonable to expect a text that he won't be home, before you wake up but you may need his head to settle for that conversation. Would he normally go to his mum's if they met in the pub?

Yes, let's set the bar nice and low, "FGS".

The constant texting you require is borderline abusive and certainly controlling. Him not texting to say he was staying at his mother's overnight instead of coming home is also out of order.

YABVU to check up on him during the night, even if you don't respond - that's odd, he's a grown man. But not to text you and not come home, that isn't on and YANBU.

Borderline abusive?! One mature adult asking another, with shared responsibility for a young baby, to send a text for reassurance that you’re not dead or in prison after doing something that leaves a lot of people dead or in prison - drinking - that person agreeing and then failing to keep their word about sending a message which could just be “safe” or “home” or “at mum’s”?! He could even have asked his bloody mother to send it if he was that drunk. It isn’t controlling to want reassurance that your husband is safe particularly when alcohol is involved.

Technology has a lot to answer for! In my day when my kids were small there were only landline phones. Now it's very easy to communicate so there’s no excuse. I think just one text though, to let you know he wasn’t coming home. That’s all that was needed. He could text you to say he’s safe then get attacked five minutes later - unlikely but I don’t see the point of this. If anything happened you would soon find out.

I wouldn't dream of telling off the OP. She wants an update. Not unreasonable. But constant texts are, and she seemed to want these and also resent that her DH stayed at his mum's. My DH often goes off to his DS's house and comes back at 2 a.m. I will have gone to bed. I have often moaned about it, but seriously it's not an issue - and he couldn't text me as a) he doesn't have a phone and b) he wouldn't know how to. I really do not see OP's issue.

Yanbu. Me and dh would never treat each other like that.

there was a similar thread a couple of months ago and the consensus was it is courteous and normal to check in a few times during the night. I was one of the few people who found it odd and when I commented I was told it is normal and loving relationship and if I don't text my DH once I arrived to work using train I am very unreasonable.
I am glad to see that consensus on this thread is opposite.
OP I still don't understand why you need two texts, sending you a text around 2 a.m. saying i am staying longer is ok, but why do you need a text when he is on his way home? You are probably asleep and will see him in the morning or when he arrives. what does the second text give you?

I wonder what the response would have been both on here and by the DH if it had been the OP who went AWOL overnight ?

Several texts to confirm his safety during an evening in the pub is surely too much? He's not climbing Mount Everest, he's having a beer with friends and family!