Husband went out didn't come home until 8.15 says I am being unreasonable to be angry he didn't text and let me know

[jobajubs13]

AIBU to ask my husband to text me in a night out the odd time to let me know he is ok or when he is on his way home
He went out over the weekend with his friend and they met up with my MIL and her husband he text when he got to the pub and then nothing which is fine I don't text him or initiate texting when he is out however I do ask that he just lets me know he is safe and few times during the night I don't reply to these messages if I get them just let him crack on but have price of mind he is safe anyway Sunday morning I woke up at 6am and he still wasn't home so I rang no answer obvs starting to get worried this is unusual and no text or nothing anyway a rang again and he answered clearly drunk and said he was at his mums him and his mate has gone back there and they had stayed up drinking he eventually returned home bladdered at 8.15 I had a pop saying he was out of order for not even sparing me a text to let me know that he was safe and at his mums he then fill on kicked off that basically I just have an issue with him going out altogether and he avoids going out because I ask him to check in a few times with a message so I don't worry even though I don't reply and don't expect him to be texting me continuously throughout the night AIBU? I don't have an issue with how long he stays out just want to know that he isn't in a ditch or a hospital in todays society it's not that far of a reach to say it can be quite unsafe

I do ask that he just lets me know he is safe and few times during the night

this is really weird and OTT. If I went on a night out and my DH wanted check in texts that would be a hard no. We have an occasional message like me asking is he ok and are the kids OK, and he might send me one saying how is your night....but that's all MIGHT and natural not coordinated check in texts. Nah.

I'm with your DH on this one, you need to chill and let him enjoy a night out.

I'd go further than most on here- I'd be extremely annoyed if my dh stayed out overnight if it hadn't been planned in advance. Never mind being texted about it.

Three kids - that's a lot of stuff to sort first thing in the morning with getting everyone washed, breakfasted, dressed and off to school (I know the older ones can sort themselves a bit but still). The 9mo is still in nappies, possibly breastfed etc.

I really doubt op can ever stay out for impromptu overnights, can she?

Why is the bar so low for Dads?!

You are not being unreasonable at all. This is unacceptable behaviour.

My husband and I have an agreement when we go out separately that we will estimate when we’ll be home e.g 10pm (we’re not party animals). If things go on longer than that we will let the other know what’s happening e.g the event is still going, I’ll be home more like midnight. Neither of us think that is unreasonable, it’s just basic courtesy, especially if you live somewhere that isn’t very safe or has potentially dangerous roads so that the other person doesn’t worry.

Really though? So in a relationship people aren't allowed nights out if they have kids? Come on.

I would be annoyed about waking up and having no idea where he is. I would expect a text just to say he is staying at his mums.
The texting a few times to update you seems a little much, I know you’re not replying but texting to check in and say he’s safe is a lot.

If your husband has a history of behaving in a concerning way when out drinking, I don't think its at all unreasonable for him to offer reassurance he's OK. Tbh, he doesn't sound that OK to me if he's going on these big binges knowing they're not good for his MH, and then responding in a volatile and aggressive way to your concern for him. Its sounds difficult for you OP and I hope you're OK.

I have responded above I may have worded that a bit wrong I mean like if it gets to 2-3 am just a text to say having a good time staying out for a while longer not sure when I'll be home and then a text when he is in his way home and also he knows I worry he is a military vet can get a bit silly then in his own head about stuff and some of his mates are hot headed has ended up in a fight before and in the hospital quite a few years ago not to say he is an aggressive person he isn't his mate got himself into trouble and he jumped in as a few lads was attacking his mate

When do you get to stay out all night ?

If he left the house with the intention of coming home that night and then changed plans, he was definitely unreasonable to not let you know he was staying out all night.
I don't understand the texting to let you know he got there as it doesn't sound like he was driving for 3 hours in storm Isha (which would be the only sort of circumstances in which I would expect my DH to message me), nor the texting during the evening when he is out with his friend and parents.

Let you know he is safe? Why on earth should a fully grown man text you in a night out in a bar to let you know he is safe?

Was he drinking in Iraq? Or Israel maybe? No I thought not

I see these posts from time to time and it’s basically you are being controlling and possessive.

That said sleeping out then yes a courtesy text would be nice.

I get what you mean OP. You don't need a running commentary about his whereabouts, you don't need 'I'm safe' constant texts, but if it gets late, you'd like a curtesy text to say he's still out and having a good time. And then if it gets really late, something saying he's enjoying his night and decided to stay out late late

I don't think you're unreasonable at all to expect that, especially with kids. You're not asking him to come home or even dictating when his night ends. You'd simply like to know if he's not in bed with you in the morning, that he's ok.

Anyone saying YABU for this is bonkers in my view

And the silent treatment is terrible of him

I would only expect texts if the plans were changing (e.g staying over with a mate/mum rather than coming home). Anything else is controlling IMO.

You are expecting an awful lot of communication from someone on a night out.

One text to say either - going to be later home than maybe we first thought ( i.e. not midnight but 2am )
or the text to say - staying at mums, met her and her hubby whilst out

and of course you will find/read the text when you waken in the morning, as I don't expect you to be staying up waiting on all these texts.

It's ridiculous to expect him to text multiple times in the night so you should probably get some help with that anxiety. However, given you slept all night and didn't realise he wasn't home until you woke at 6, then I wonder if it actually is worry or more a controlling behaviour. Either way, there is somwthing that needs changing in your behaviour.
On the other end of the spectrum I can see why you'd be very upset at not being told he was staying somewhere overnight. If he was that drunk then he probably wouldn't have thought to tell you (not justifying here) and if it isn't a regular thing I'd personally say my piece and move on. Everyone makes mistakes in life.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon but what you've described is exactly what the OP has asked for, as she has clarified

All this talk of her being controlling and having anxiety as she just wants her DH to drop her a quick text if he's staying out is madness

Yes this is what I mean I think I may have worded it a bit wrong by a check in mean if it's getting early hours just let me know your having a good time and staying out and then just let me know when you are coming home

If I go out I will text check how the kids are and before he goes to bed then I will text if it's getting late to say I'm staying out I just expect the same courtesy really and I didn't think that was unreasonable

@jobajubs13 it's absolutely not unreasonable. Posters are getting hung up on your wording and wanting to know he's 'safe' when what you (clearly from your follow ups) actually meant was as you describe above

He's a wanker for being cross with you and giving you the silent treatment. Proper arsewomble

Your expectations around texts are unreasonable (especially quantity) but you’re not unreasonable to expect a text if he’s going to behave differently to usual and stay out longer. As he’d stayed up all night, he could have text you that he was at his mum’s even if it was silly o clock and you’d gone to bed.

Thanks for assuming I have anxiety which I don't as I've clarified I didn't mean multiple times I meant a text if he is staying out and a text when he is in the way home

I slept all night as the baby slept all night but was up all night the night before but woke up at 6 to no text and an empty bed

Also he didn't sleep at his mums when I spoke to him at 6.30 am they was all still awake and drinking so it's not like he forgot and fell asleep drunk or was to drunk to get home

Again to clarify I think I worded that wrong by no means do I mean multiple I mean 1 if he is staying out and 1 to let me know when he is on his way home we live very close to town centre so he would walk not get a taxi wouldn't say we are in a rough area as such but there have been incidents of stabbings in the last 12 months

Nah, that's not on. I'd be absolutely furious if I woke up in the morning and my partner just hadn't bothered to let me know he wasn't coming home, and I think he'd feel the same way if I was selfish enough to do it.

How frequently does he do this?

Thing is, when they go out for the majority of the day and then are a complete write off the next morning your whole weekend has been filled with doing the childcare single handed.

That's something that needs to be discussed before hand.

You don’t just want a text at 2-3am if he’s staying our or not though, you’ve openly said you expect texts to “let me know he is safe and few times during the night”.

There’s a big difference between wanting a text at 3am to say “I’m staying out FYI”, and wanting multiple texts throughout to say he’s safe. You want a few texts throughout the night to say he’s safe, and that’s unreasonable. But wanting to be updated if be is staying out all night is not.

I'd say reasonable is to estimate when you'll be home and then text if that plan changes. So yes, in this instance it was very unreasonable of him to just stay out all night without telling you, children or not.

You mention he's a military vet. My DH is too and the army drinking culture is so destructive. When DH first left, I was beside myself with worry every time he went out because he had no off button and ended up missing last trains home, losing phones and generally just always getting into an absolute state. Thankfully we had a good chat about it, he agreed to speak to someone and I can happily say that he now has a much healthier attitude to alcohol and I no longer worry when he goes out. Something to consider maybe?

He’s a selfish twat. Truly. You have three children and he thinks he should be free to fuck off out until the next morning without even a courtesy text? No. He’s a joke.

Tbf it's not that often there was incidents in the past where this had happened and we discussed it and he would then just drop me a message to let me know if it was gunna be a late one which would normally be about 4am but it's never been this late