Husband went out didn't come home until 8.15 says I am being unreasonable to be angry he didn't text and let me know

[jobajubs13]

AIBU to ask my husband to text me in a night out the odd time to let me know he is ok or when he is on his way home
He went out over the weekend with his friend and they met up with my MIL and her husband he text when he got to the pub and then nothing which is fine I don't text him or initiate texting when he is out however I do ask that he just lets me know he is safe and few times during the night I don't reply to these messages if I get them just let him crack on but have price of mind he is safe anyway Sunday morning I woke up at 6am and he still wasn't home so I rang no answer obvs starting to get worried this is unusual and no text or nothing anyway a rang again and he answered clearly drunk and said he was at his mums him and his mate has gone back there and they had stayed up drinking he eventually returned home bladdered at 8.15 I had a pop saying he was out of order for not even sparing me a text to let me know that he was safe and at his mums he then fill on kicked off that basically I just have an issue with him going out altogether and he avoids going out because I ask him to check in a few times with a message so I don't worry even though I don't reply and don't expect him to be texting me continuously throughout the night AIBU? I don't have an issue with how long he stays out just want to know that he isn't in a ditch or a hospital in todays society it's not that far of a reach to say it can be quite unsafe

@MarIeyG (and all the other posters) would you say the same if a mum went out on the piss and left her 3 kids with their dad all night, didn’t bother to text once, missed bedtime/wake up time/breakfast/no concern about the kids getting off to school, and then waltzed in past 8 am the next morning still pissed and raging at the dad for daring to ask for a text?? Would that be ok? Or would you and others (rightly) say this was a shit, neglectful, selfish mum. So why are dads held to a different (lower) standard?

I think this sums it up for me...

More ageist nonsense 🙄

@Idontwantavaluablelimelesson

its really not that bad in towns

Agree with the majority, he should be messaging you to let you know if he won’t be home and is staying out. Shouldn’t need to check in with texts throughout the night.

I understand that you aren't looking for regulate texts throughout the night, just a check in if it gets to 2 or 3 am. However, (and I don't go out much anymore but used to go out loads, bith drinking and non drinking and based on my past experience of myself and others) I think that if someone is still out at 2am and have drink taken then they aren't really thinking very sensibly and are just caught up in the fun, where to next, whose round, the funny stories etc. They aren't thinking about the time or texting home.
I know you got a shock when you woke up, and yes it would have been better to text and let you know where he was, but he was drunk and that just wasn't going to happen. Staying drinking till 6.30 am would be more of an issue in my eyes and i woukd be focusing on this on any discussion wuth him - but only when he has sobered up. But if its only a few times a year and you don't think he has a drink problem then I don't think it's worth having a major falling put over a bad judgement ge made while drunk.

@Nightowl1234

no I disagree. Kids don’t need both parents there for bedtime routine etc. if op went for night out she should not have to be home to put kids to bed. You can still have an adult social life as a parent if you want one!

It's not a condition for him to go out he can go out whenever he wants to he was out Friday night with work had no issue dropping me a text letting me know when he was on his way back

Yet Saturday night out with his mate and his mum completely different behaviour

Apparently my husband does it's not something I would ever do to him

This poster commented that she was left with the childcare and that's selfish. It's not selfish to leave someone to childcare because their partner goes out. I stand by my comment.

I hope you're not a marriage guidance counsellor! 🙈🙈

Imagine 🤣🤣🤣

Absolutely no need for a text telling you that he's having a good time and is staying out longer than anticipated. It's self evident that he's staying out a bit later because he's, you know, not home yet. And presumably it's obvious that he's enjoying himself as he wants the night to continue? So there's really no need for him to confirm this to you.

You can tell yourself whatever you like, and maybe you really don't realise it, but you are trying to control him. You're trying to have an (albeit) small influence on his time away from you. You're applying a little bit of pressure to communicate with you when it's totally unnecessary. It's like you're very quietly whispering in his ear 'Don't forget about me.'

However, he should have sent you ONE text to say he was staying the night at his Mum's. It's only polite.

I never text my DH on a night out unless its to ask a genuine urgent question (e.g. something goes wrong in the house and can’t fix it) that can’t wait until hes awake the next day. So I think its OTT for anyone to be texting their partner on a night out with friends and family.

However, its ridiculous behaviour turning up ‘bladdered’ at 8.15am and sounds like he’s behaving more like a teenager than a grown adult. He’s completely selfish and needs to grow up.

I imagine you probably text him because he’s completely immature and you’re expecting him to do something stupid on a night out. I trust that my DH can go for beers with friends and be up with me and the kids at the normal time the next day. He needs to address his behavior and drinking problem and step up to being a decent dad.

Well you're being unreasonable not using any punctuation.

I wouldn't expect texts throughout the evening saying he was safe, I would expect a text saying he will be out very late or staying over at MIL's so I do not worry or expect him home.

I mean he was meeting up with his mum and a friend- I don’t think he needed to do anything in this case. I’d have assumed he was at his mums.

It sounds like something you should talk about when he is not still drunk/hungover and it does sound as though this is a behaviour he has largely reduced but still enjoys infrequently as a bit of 'blow out'. He may way regret these nights out himself and responds defensively when you get in first with a reprimand. The challenge is, you might both make good plans away from drinking conditions but then it is what happens once under the influence of alcohol. I am wondering if his family members enjoy this type of night out and see texting others, some how spoiling the fun? If so that may contribute to a general consensus that you are being unreasonable, he's told you where he is why does he need to keep updating you?

Does he know that you are holding these worries about his mental health? If not he may not see your response as coming from a place of concern.

How do you get along with the going out friendship groups? Did you ever join in or has this been a source of difference between you both?

He should have let you know he was at his mums but I wouldn’t be expecting him to check in with you throughout the night. If he’s staying out later than a usual time or going to stay at his mums then yeah of course he should have let you know. But I know what he means about having to check in with you constantly that doesn’t seem fair.

I’d feel so trapped having to check in over the course of a night out. It would drive me away.
Yes text if you’re staying out, but by god leave him be, or go with them.

I agree with that - of course one parent can miss bedtime. My point is that the OP’s husband’s behaviour taken as a whole is really unacceptable. Staying out all night without a text and coming home drunk in the morning is piss poor behaviour - literally.

yeah i mean im pretty chill about this stuff - but if i wake up during the night and its super late and husbands not home i do worry! So id expect at least a quick text to say im safe, gonna stay at mums / friends / wherever - see you in the morning!! then at least il know nothing to worry about!!

Yep - one parent doing bedtime is fine. Getting so pissed you can’t make it home, not texting your partner to let them know and then turning up the next morning so pissed is not a normal “social life”. You’re a parent with responsibilities. Not a 20 year old at university.

Texting throughout the night is ridiculous. But he should’ve let you know he was staying out.

Yeah that wasn't what my comment was about though. I think the OP is OTT needing regular "check in" texts. I think her DH should have messaged to say "going back to my Mums will see you later on". If it was a regular thing where he goes out and drinks til all hours yeah it's out of order. A one off is fine. But yes he should have text, once. Not at regular intervals. And going back to my comment it's not selfish to leave your partner with childcare in a healthy relationship.

I assume he didn’t drive home this morning