Husband went out didn't come home until 8.15 says I am being unreasonable to be angry he didn't text and let me know

[jobajubs13]

AIBU to ask my husband to text me in a night out the odd time to let me know he is ok or when he is on his way home
He went out over the weekend with his friend and they met up with my MIL and her husband he text when he got to the pub and then nothing which is fine I don't text him or initiate texting when he is out however I do ask that he just lets me know he is safe and few times during the night I don't reply to these messages if I get them just let him crack on but have price of mind he is safe anyway Sunday morning I woke up at 6am and he still wasn't home so I rang no answer obvs starting to get worried this is unusual and no text or nothing anyway a rang again and he answered clearly drunk and said he was at his mums him and his mate has gone back there and they had stayed up drinking he eventually returned home bladdered at 8.15 I had a pop saying he was out of order for not even sparing me a text to let me know that he was safe and at his mums he then fill on kicked off that basically I just have an issue with him going out altogether and he avoids going out because I ask him to check in a few times with a message so I don't worry even though I don't reply and don't expect him to be texting me continuously throughout the night AIBU? I don't have an issue with how long he stays out just want to know that he isn't in a ditch or a hospital in todays society it's not that far of a reach to say it can be quite unsafe

I’d say this to him and that as long as you can disappear for a whole night while he has no idea where you are or when you’ll be back then no problem, he can carry on with his all nighters too.

th8is post says it all-dads are always allowed a night off on the piss with no expectation of child care

women just dont so this they organise their nights out and make sure theyre back or they let someone know

This.

What many people seem to be missing here is that the guy has got form for stumbling into trouble. OK he could message from the toilet 'having a great time, hope the baby is sleeping ' and within fifteen minutes something has kicked off and he gets to spend the night in the custody suite. What justification is there for not reassuring his wife?

I think people are missing the point of the request for texts—OP doesn’t know what the plan is so she doesn’t know (can’t know) when the last informative text has come in. I assume she would have been satisfied with a text at any point that said “you can lock up the house and go to sleep because I’m drinking myself into a stupor at my mum’s/in the gutter/at a hotel. “

The DH and his mother are binge drinking alcoholics whose judgment is impaired by their consumption of a noted cause of impairment. Posters will try to normalize (he’s ex military! Boys will be boys! I love getting blotto with the girls! At least he wasn’t with a prostitute, its only three or four times a year, etc…etc….)it but its really not a healthy life choice, places a huge demand on OP and the children, and is a sign of addiction and inability to handle stress without self medicating.

I wouldn’t leave my kids with alky grandma either.

You are married with kids so assuming that trust is not an issue I would also asume that he would say where he was off to and around when he expected to be home.
I would like to easily contact him should I have an emergency. I would trust that no news is good news and that if the plans changed (home later by an hour), he would let me know beacuse he would want to save me worry.

I think it does also depend on whether there’s been discussion or agreement. If the other person has offered or agreed without emotional pressure to send the odd check-in text if they know their partner will be worried (or is being left at home with a baby while he goes out and has fun with his mates) it’s rubbish behaviour not to do it, but if OP had just been sitting at home feeling more and more martyred because he wasn’t paying her attention and they hadn’t talked about it, that would be U. In this case they agreed that he had to send one tiny simple little message when he got home - they agreed as adults to each others’ faces - and he didn’t.
Also it’s possible to be angry and upset with someone while also accepting that it wasn’t malicious or anything. I’m actually surprised OP’s MIL didn’t message her given that she’s probably been a worried mother waiting for him to come home as well. Particularly in this day and age near-constant communication is the norm.

This pisses me off - women are always being accused of controlling behaviour when they just want to know their husband's are safe. And usually the reason for this is because they are married to fucking immature teats who drink too much and get into fights and sulk when their wives make a perfectly reasonable request for a text or two!

OP don't put up with any of his bullshit. Stopping out all night with no text is bang out of order. Maybe start thinking about when you get to dump the kids on him and stop out all night getting drunk. My guess is not as often as he does!

There is so much justification and normalisation of binge drinking and excessive party culture on this thread. No grown adult with a job, spouse, children and a mortgage needs to be up all night drinking to the point of stupor several times a year. It’s hugely irresponsible and unhealthy.

When you enter into these major life commitments, they come with certain “sacrifices”, like being aware of how your actions affect others and caring about the wellbeing of your family. If you’re not willing to take those responsibilities on, then you shouldn’t have entered into those commitments, and that includes not being a selfish asshole and letting the other person know what’s happening when plans change or when vague plans firm up.

It’s not controlling and its not abusive, and frankly anyone who thinks it is needs to have a think about why they have such low standards in terms of expecting respect and consideration from the person they have chosen to enter into a life partnership with.

I’m actually surprised OP’s MIL didn’t message her given that she’s probably been a worried mother waiting for him to come home as well. Particularly in this day and age near-constant communication is the norm.

This may be the sorriest comment on this thread—and on the state of british womanhood. Why on earth would the OP’s DH’s behavior be rendered ok by his mother cleaning up his mess? Why would the poster expect thoughtful behavior from the alcoholic mother of this drunken boor of a husband and father?

Thank you. My DP is younger - 21 - and when I expect him to text it’s because I care about him, not because I want to control him, and also because I know how boozy the sort of events he goes to can be and I’ve been raped in the area he goes to events in. Last time he got seriously drunk he had an unplanned crash at my house (his student housing was further away) and two 18yo girls escorted him to protect him. I hasten to add we don’t have childcare responsibilities and neither had work the next day and I don’t mind him having fun as a student even if he gets drunk. But any drunk person is vulnerable and of course we’ll worry if they don’t come home.

That sounds like he hired escorts. Sorry, he didn’t, they went along with him to make sure he didn’t fall over or get robbed.

The responses to this thread are bizarre.

Are people really saying they get to 2am / 3 am / 4am, and don’t even bother sending their partner a text to say they’re still out and all is OK?

Do people genuinely get to 8am and not let their partner know….?!

That’s seriously weird to me.

You know what I think? I think pretty much most people would drop their partner a text at around the 2/3am mark, if they were still out.

But most wives and mothers aren’t out until this hour (let alone much later) unaccounted for.

This is the behaviour of men. And for some bizarre reason, a whole lot of you seem to think men don't have to be as courteous and considerate as we all would be in their position.

OP - YANBU. Wait a day or two and bring it up when he's sober and not hungover.

Just explain that if the tables were turned, and YOU were still out at 3am and he was at home with the kids, you'd message him, because you care about him, and wouldn't want him to worry.

And you expect the same consideration in return.

Some of the comments on this thread, honestly what the actual fuck. More interested in rabbiting on about OP being controlling and borderline abusive because she wants to know her DH is safe and might expect a couple of updates throughout the night. Completely missing the point of the thread and how unreasonable it is for any parent and partner to stay out drinking until 8am and not let their SO know where they are. I dont know any women who would be ok with a man behaving this way and if you accept this then id despair for how low your standards are. This is why standards are so low for men. Im obviously very lucky to have an incredibly thoughtful DH who chooses to send me a couple of texts throughout his night out without me even needing to ask. OP id be fuming and your DH sounds like a selfish inconsiderate prick, even worse that he hasn't even acknowledged hes in the wrong and is giving you the silent treatment. Id already be planning my next girls night and staying at a friend's house without telling him

The central flaw in the (very good) argument that normal partners courteously let their family know they will be late home is that someone who goes out drinking in order to get drunk is choosing to get drunk enough that the ordinary rules don’t apply to them. The whole thing is an exercise in drunken exceptionalism. From the moment they pick up the first drink the alcoholic knows they are abandoning common courtesy, care for their family, etc…they may deny the intention but that’s just a lie they tell themselves, and that their boosters and enablers tell, to avoid the responsibility of being a sober adult.

I’m not having a go OP, just from the way I read it if he doesn’t text you when he is out then you aren’t going to be happy with him so from his point of view it it could be viewed as a condition of him going out.

i actually understand where you are coming from as I like to hear from my OH when he is out just so I know what he’s doing and most of the time he keeps in touch without me asking and the odd time he doesn’t which is fine as I don’t like to be on my phone when I’m with friends so I understand that it’s not always easy to keep in touch. He most definitely should have told you he was going back to his mums and you have every right to be annoyed about that.

Totally agree! I’m staggered that so many people think what this man did is normal behaviour! He sounds bloody immature to me, when you’ve got kids you don’t go out on an all nighter so pissed you can’t even get home. He sounds about 18!

Staying out kicking off and the silent treatment are all defined as abuse Don't put up with it !

I really am shocked at the amount of people who think it’s ok for a husband to stay out all night and not let his wife know. A text at 2am saying he’s staying out a little longer doesn’t make it ok that he stayed out all night . Yes, he may have fell asleep and “ can’t help” that - but his wife has every right to be angry at that and after staying out all night drinking whilst his wife is at home with the children I would say that her being a bit angry with him is completely reasonable!

Texting you during his nights out is a bit weird. If that was a man asking for that he’d be labelled controlling. Staying out overnight without letting you know is unacceptable.

I would worry re safety too, if I didn’t know when to expect my husband home.

he's going out with his friend, but meets up with his mum and then ends up at his mums house? That bit seemed a little odd, to me.

Yabu to expect a text and worse ‘several’ to know he is ‘safe’ through the evening. He’s an adult and out. That’s fine. No need for any contact.
Yanbu to expect a text is or call if he’s staying out all night. I would expect home at pub shut time and to know otherwise if he’s staying out.

Theres nothing OTT about 3 texts on a night out especially if its 16hours like this. I have the same rule for the same reason. He is in the wrong.

Its just about knowing plans which often change throughout the night

If he doesn’t do it regularly, then I don’t think there’s a need to drag it out.

he’s expressed that he feels put upon and under surveillance so maybe how you communicate when he’s out needs to be interrogated.

I get that he’s a military vet but has he ended up in hospital? Or has it been others?

just let him know to communicate if he’s staying out overnight. He’s a grown Up and doesn’t really need check in texts beyond that.

if you don’t want him out overnight due to childcare efforts that’s separate and needs to be said.

I think it’s all unnecessary drama from both of you.

I'm thinking half these people in the comments are single because I like a few texts during the night when other half is out on a night out but I'm certainly not controlling I love when he goes out new book bath bed to myself (for a few hours) haha but in a relationship it's just nice to be considerate of the other nothing controlling about it, how long have you had the silent treatment for ? He needs to grow up and communicate like an adult, he clearly wants you to think your in the wrong so he gets out of it, stand your ground tell him to go stay at mummy's house if he wants to act like hes back in college.