Husband went out didn't come home until 8.15 says I am being unreasonable to be angry he didn't text and let me know

[jobajubs13]

AIBU to ask my husband to text me in a night out the odd time to let me know he is ok or when he is on his way home
He went out over the weekend with his friend and they met up with my MIL and her husband he text when he got to the pub and then nothing which is fine I don't text him or initiate texting when he is out however I do ask that he just lets me know he is safe and few times during the night I don't reply to these messages if I get them just let him crack on but have price of mind he is safe anyway Sunday morning I woke up at 6am and he still wasn't home so I rang no answer obvs starting to get worried this is unusual and no text or nothing anyway a rang again and he answered clearly drunk and said he was at his mums him and his mate has gone back there and they had stayed up drinking he eventually returned home bladdered at 8.15 I had a pop saying he was out of order for not even sparing me a text to let me know that he was safe and at his mums he then fill on kicked off that basically I just have an issue with him going out altogether and he avoids going out because I ask him to check in a few times with a message so I don't worry even though I don't reply and don't expect him to be texting me continuously throughout the night AIBU? I don't have an issue with how long he stays out just want to know that he isn't in a ditch or a hospital in todays society it's not that far of a reach to say it can be quite unsafe

My thoughts -

He wasn't at his mum's, he was with a woman.
He didn't go out with his mate or his mum, he was with a woman.
He didn't text you because he was with a woman.
IF he was really at his mum's, she must be a pisshead as well.

He really is a crap dad and partner.

He's an adult, I would just let him crack on in future. If he ends up in trouble that's his problem.

That's ridiculous , OP says he only goes out a few times a year , she just wanted a text to say if he'd be out overnight .

Texting multiple times is silly.

Glad you understand yeah been through all this to having to drive into city centres to pick him up and stuff and yeah when we met he was a full party animal out all weekend and stuff which wasn't an issue at the time we didn't live together he lived on base and didn't have children to consider I have told him he should speak to someone he is still in touch with a few of the lads and they have a reunion once a year which always seems to help

He was deffo with his mum and mate photos all over Facebook and his is a good dad not sure on the good husband status atm this weekend has really made me sit and think

I don't understand why it's so important for fully grown adults that they get so pissed up on a night out that they're incapable of even letting their family know that they're safe. They are either genuinely absolutely fucked or they don't care about their nearest and dearest. Either way it would totally give me the ick. YANBU OP

It would be respectful to send you a message to let you know he’s not returning home that night or is going to be home later than planned. He should have also agreed in advance that you’re ok solo parenting for the Sunday and shouldn’t be rocking up drunk at 8:15am if he’s not agreed this and is jointly responsible for caring for his children that day

Why would you worry that he's not safe on a night out? He's a grown man. You sound a bit controlling OP. Having said that, if he's staying out all night, he should tell you from the outset.

I think some people are giving you a harder time than necessary here - I'm assuming that by asking him to text while he's out, you just mean something like 'Probably staying out for another couple of hours' if it's past pub closing time, and then 'On my way' when he's leaving for home, right? You're not asking him for hourly updates.

To give an example, last time DP went out it was for drinks straight after work with a couple of friends, and before he went he said wasn't sure if it would be literally just a couple of pints, or whether they'd be staying out longer, and not to wait to eat with him or anything. About 9pm he texted 'Still out - we're going to order some food so probably staying till closing time' and then at 11.30pm I got a text saying he was just waiting for a cab. That was all that was required - basically just so that I had an idea of what was going on. I'd do the same.

@jobajubs13
Your husband should make a reasonable effort to communicate his plans with you. Going AWOL is not acceptable.

Secondly, coming home blotto is not acceptable. He’s to sleep it off elsewhere, or, better still, moderate his drinking.

I think multiple texts is a bit OTT but he should absolutely have sent a quick message when the plans had changed.

I don’t expect my DP to check in, but if he’s said he’ll be home at x time and he’s not then he knows I’ll worry (his friends are idiots who got him arrested before) so he’ll usually just send a quick ‘just doing xyz, will be home late’ to set my mind at rest. Your DH sounds like a petulant arsehole

Absolutely not something I’d put up with in a partner either. We stopped getting that drunk when we were in our 20s.

No not misinterpreting. Asking him to check in a few times is OTT. I would prefer to have a rough idea of when and certainly DH plans to come home, but he doesn’t need to keep checking in with me over the night.

I don't think you should expect him to text you whilst he's out but, yes I agree if he isn't going to be home until daft o'clock the next morning, it would be nice for him to text and say "Going back to mums for drinks, not sure when I'll be home but don't wait up for me." At the end of the day he is an adult, so should be able to get himself home safely without you worrying.

If you have children, the getting home at 8am would annoy me too because he's obviously going to be out of action for a full day while you're dealing with kids.

Oops. Replied to wrong one

I'm the same as you - I get worried if my husband doesn't text me at some point during the evening to say where he's at, especially if it's getting late - it's because I care and worry about him - I don't think that's unreasonable at all, especially if there is history of him getting into trouble as you mentioned. It's surely what should happen in a healthy, caring relationship. I will do the same when I'm out in case he's worried. Nothing controlling or extreme about that. If he didn't come home at all and hadn't texted me, I would be absolutely livid. Your husband has behaved badly and he knows it.

I think by asking him to text you makes him think that you don’t like him going out. If had given a time he would be home and wanted to stay out later then he should let you know and he definitely should have let you know he wasn’t going to be home.

if you are asleep what is the point in a text at 2-3am unless you are waiting up for him. Next time he goes out just tell him to have a good night and he doesn’t need to text, the likelihood is he will probably still text you anyway but it will be because he wants to not because it’s a condition of him being allowed to go out

Do you really head out on a night out and don’t come back until the next day without letting your husband know when there is a 9 month old baby involved, Wtaf, it’s common courtesy

I'd be really disturbed about it if someone asked me to let them know I'm safe on such a regular basis. IMO it's not normal and it's really needy.

If partner were staying away from home for the night, I'd certainly hope for at end of evening / before bed contact to say a little bit about the day and check in if there's anything needed to know and good night.

Yanbu.

When we were first married my husband used to do the same. I think the longest he was gone was two days but normally it would be until the next day.
It infuriated me. I used to say I just want to know if you'll be back or not and where the fuck you buggered off to! He'd say I was controlling him, I'd accuse him of fucking around.

It was a tough time

It is hugely disrespectful to not send a bloody text saying don't wait up, I'll see you tomorrow . He is 100% wrong for not updating you

Just reread that you want him to text you several times when he's out. That's a bit unreasonable of you. Maybe there's room for compromise here?

YANBU at all except I would maybe have saved the discussion for the next day when you could do it more calmly because especially if he was drinking it’s much more likely to escalate.
My DP did this the other night, except we don’t live together and he’s 21. I knew he was going to a big formal dinner and he was going to be drinking but I asked him to message every time he went to the loo and then when he got home (I don’t particularly want to know when he goes to the loo tbh but it was going to be a really difficult night for me for other reasons and we are normally in constant contact - sometimes up to six-hour phone calls where we both do stuff and just chat idly to keep each other company - and that would be a time when it wouldn’t be interfering with the time he had with his friends). At about 10pm he texted me he was going to a movie night with some of them. I heard nothing for hours and was struggling to keep awake - it was really worrying me because I’ve been violently raped in this city and I’ve seen him drunk. After several hours I texted for a check-in, factoring in a walk and long-ish movie. Two hours after that (we’re at 3AM) I got a garbled test resembling “hello” and the keys are so far away it couldn’t possibly have been a mistaken “home”. I’d fallen asleep by then but the following afternoon we had a discussion about it, was when I woke up, how much it upset me that he broke his word etc. I stayed calm with him but I made it clear I was upset. Particularly because one of my exes would not only promise spontaneously to call me at a specific time, then not only skip the call and ignore me totally but also go out and get drunk with his friends - he didn’t text either - and not text me he was safely home. Every night. For three years. I didn’t precisely get angry but it drove me absolutely mad to the point that it’s now really difficult for me to trust any partner that he’s actually going to contact me when he (or she, hypothetically) says.

TL:DR: this is bad behaviour, particularly in an adult who possesses a phone and double particularly because he was drunk. Triple particularly because it actually is quite normal in today’s society to be in constant or regular contact by phone.

Hmm, the changing story when it doesn't go the OP's way. Let's be honest, you DO expect multiple messages through the evening, not just a 'crashing at mum's' at 2am text. You mention it multiple times in your OP, so not just an accidental miswording.
Why is that? Don't you trust him? Or are you controlling?

I don't disagree that he should let you know if there is a change of plans, such as crashing at his mum's, but I don't think this is about that. There is something else underlying here.

His response says a lot, he doesn't go out often because of how you behave when he does.

Because most town centres are utter dives by dark and it only takes one utter scumbag high on God knows what to decide you looked at them the wrong way for your life to be in danger.

And if he's really a grown man he should be mature enough to be able to keep his partner informed what's happening, not a minute by minute account but a quick text to say he's kipping somewhere else or to say he's in a taxi home. It's basic respect. My DH would rather do that than know I've been worrying all night on the rare occasions that he goes 'out out'

He was unreasonable to stay out so late

but equally it’s unreasonable of you to expect in general when he’s out texts to tell you he’s safe. He’s a grown man and you are not his mother.