To feel so guilty about wrap around care.

[Giantwaterbottle4]

I know I am probably not unreasonable but I just feel awful about my kids being in wrap around care. They are 5 and 3 and both have to go to breakfast club and after school club.
They don't get home until 5 and are out of the house by 7:30. I just feel like this is not how life should be and not how envisaged parenting!

Is this really the norm? Or am I failing them and have set them for exhaustion and burnout when they are so young.

It doesn't help that they both say they miss me, especially the younger one and that they don't want to go. Once they are there they both seem happy and have good days but they are always so tired when home

It's normal, but still pretty bad.

Your children are spending the majority of their lives with strangers. You get them dressed and put them to bed, but their "life" is with other people who you don't know.

What are they talking about?

What are your children learning from these people?

Is it 5 days a week? Is there any way you can reduce your work days or wfh or compress hours etc so that you are getting a few days of being able to pick them up instead of wrap around care?

They aren’t little for long and if you’re already feeling guilty, maybe look at how you could rework things.

Don't feel guilty about things that are out of your control.

With luck you will have robust children who will cope with the fairly demanding regime that modern living demands.

They’re not strangers - they’re key people in OP’s children’s lives.
OP, it’s tough isn’t it? Is there any way you can reduce your hours so you can pick them up earlier once/twice a week?
They will miss you regardless of how long they’re away from you. And you will miss them! My DS is in childcare 7:30 - 5 but only 3x a week, which helps with the guilt.

You are a hardworking loving mother doing the best that you can. Which is always the best.

My kid has been in wrap around care or child care since 11 months, she’s now in the last year of it. She’s fine. She’s built great relationships with those that look after her, and I’ve made the most of time off with her and weekends.

it is what it is.. if I didn’t work we wouldn’t have a home or food or money to do things together. She’s safe, and looked after. I can’t let myself feel guilty about providing for her. Sure she’s been tired sometimes, but she’s generally been fine.

Presuming you send them out of necessity not to put your feet up... its life.

If there is a way for you and their father to stagger working hours to reduce their time, it would be nice. But putting food on the table and a roof over their heads is also essential.

It is what it is. Easy for others to say but I wouldn't have had children if I had to do this, I don't think it's fair. I appreciate circumstances change though. Any chance you can change your hours?

My youngest son is in wrap around care after school but not before, as I start work at 9 so I drop him off before I start work. Would it not be possible to look for a job which means you start a little later? So that u can at least avoid breakfast club? I'm going on mat leave this year and my son is super excited to not have to go to ASC lol.

I was at a childminders from 7.30am until 6pm from being 3, as my mum was a single parent and had to pay the bills. It was absolutely fine, I loved my childminder, I adored my mum, and I never burnt out or resented my mum for it. My eldest was in breakfast club and after school club and holiday schemes until she was 11, and she still has fond memories of one lady in particular who looked after her. She is now thriving at uni, is very personable and doing a fantastic job of knowing when she needs to take rests to look after herself and when she can really push herself.

I have always done drop offs and pick ups for my youngest one who is now 6. She is very clingy and struggles to do any extra curriculars because she has to leave my side to take part. I’m not saying that me picking up is to blame at all, but I do think she would have had to learn more resilience earlier on if she had to go to playschemes and wrap around. Don’t feel guilty x

Perfectly normal & necessary if you are a working parent with no family help. My DD was at childcare from 9months old 8-6pm. Not ideal & not what I wanted for her but necessary. Even now she is 10 she has long days at childcare but doesn't know any different and is perfectly happy. I don't feel guilty because I work hard to be able to provide for her & she has more opportunities than she would have if I had stayed at home & not worked.

I understand that guilt. We have decided that DH will go part time so we no longer need the wrap around care.

Our eldest has been away from home 7.30am till 6pm 5 days a week from 6 months old and is now 7. I am not sure it's been beneficial for him for us to have put him through that but we had no choice financially until now (and even now it's going to be reliant on me achieving a bonus)

7.30 to 5 doesn’t seem so terrible, especially for your 5 year old.
its making you unhappy though so is there any way to reduce your hours? If not, stop beating yourself up. It is what it is and will become easier.

They will be fine, it's what they know. And presumably you're happy with the care they receive and the people they're with - they're not strangers, as the unhelpful poster above suggested. You build a relationship with these people.

Is there anything you can do to reduce the hours they're there? Is it every day, or could you go part time? Do you have a partner and if so, are they doing their fair share of drop offs and pick ups?

Mine was in nursery 9-6 four days a week and LOVED it. Rarely clingy, knew everyone in the building, was so happy there. I was lucky I could start at 10 so could have breakfast with him. Now he's in school, we drop off at 8.30 and he gets picked up by the childminder, who he likes and it means he's building friendships with older kids across the school. I would rather do pick up myself as I miss that initial bit where they talk about what they've done, but I have to work. Possibly when he's a bit older we'll pick up and then let him chill out at home while we finish working - nothing is set in stone forever.

OP it's normal for them to miss you but that absolutely does not mean that they don't enjoy it or like it there. Those hours are perfectly normal in my own experience so please don't feel guilty. I'm a sahm and I get the opposite comments apparently I must be brain dead etc etc. I had to put my eldest into crèche at 9 months on a fulltime basis as we were trying to move house and I needed a fulltime salary so I did what we needed to do and DD has great memories from there as she went until she was four. She is now eleven and always talks about it very fondly. Please don't feel guilty you are doing the best for your family.

You've got to do what you've got to do OP but if there's any way of you reducing or compressing your hours to allow your DC to spend more time at home/with you, then that'd be the best thing to do.

I'm a SAHM to my 2 DC (3.5 and almost 2). I went back to work after having DC1 but was lucky enough not to have to return after having DC2. However, I appreciate that not everyone has that option. DC1 goes to nursery 5 mornings a week and I think it's a good balance. It gives him some structure and social skills, but also means he gets to have an afternoon nap in his own bed and spend the rest of the day playing with DC2, visiting his grandparents, etc.

As a PP said, they are only young once and it goes so fast. The early years are so important in terms of their development, try to be there for as much of that as possible (if possible). That said, if you can't afford to do that then you shouldn't feel guilty about doing what's necessary for your family.

You are working hard to provide for your dcs. Don't feel bad. I work in ks1
and I have a few pupils who are both in breakfast and after school clubs. They do sometimes say they miss mum or want to go home but when I watch them in the clubs, they're having a great time.

It’s not ideal but I can’t imagine anyone does this just because they feel like it. If you need to work at those times you don’t really have another option. You’re making sure they’re being looked after while you’re working, that’s the important thing. They’re still very young, they’ll get used to it.

You have to work, you can’t help that.

I think there’s nothing wrong with taking some half days leave to pick them up from school though

You shouldn't feel guilty about working to provide for your children. Them missing you isn't a bad thing either and doesn't mean that they aren't happy at wrap around care, it just means that your time together is extra special.

Remember that it's about quality, not quantity.

Like everyone else, I would say please don’t beat yourself up about it - you are doing this to pay the bills, build a good life for them etc and you can’t be in two places at once.

But yes, it’s hard. Mine are 4 and 7 and they have been complaining of exhaustion, teachers gently intimating that it’s ‘too much’. My eldest needs 1:1 with his homework (which is daily) and has additional exercises relating to his occupational therapy (has some additional learning support needs). None of this can be supported in wrap around and it’s becoming a real problem as it’s late when he gets home.

As such have decided to get an aupair from March so we can quit wrap around. But I’m very lucky to have the space/ extra cash to support this and if you can’t then you can’t.

Sending hugs, it’s HARD

It's not unusual but it's often very necessary.

Is it ideal for the kids? No it's not, and some are out of the house for 11 hours, 5 days a week from a very young age.

But it is what it is and you have to feed them, clothe them and keep a roof over their heads 🤷‍♂️

It’s the norm. The bills won’t pay themselves. Just make sure weekends and holidays are family time.
they will be fine.

What a shitty answer.

It is how we are forced to live our lives. Housing is beyond expensive and most people work to be able to afford to live somewhere and eat and clothe their children.

Yea it would be great if all kids went to school at 9am and were picked up at 3:30 except when they inevitably want to go to clubs. But that isn't the reality for most parents.

It’s normal and necessary. Even putting aside needing to work to pay bills, it’s tough to strike a balance of working enough for your own sanity, finding time outside of work/children for yourself, and spending time with them/minimising wraparound: compressing hours and doing long days exhausts me to the point I don’t actually enjoy or parent well with the time I create from it, so my kids don’t actually benefit. Part-time is tricky to get enough hours to make it worthwhile and not bloody stressful at work (often ending up doing a FT job in PT hours), the days you manage to do pickup and spend time with them they complain they want to go to wraparound because so-and-so is there or they get to play there whereas at home you’re busy making dinner, or you all enjoy the time together but income suffers or time to yourself suffers…

Basically I think it’s all an ever-changing ball game and what works for six months then needs to adjust, if you’re able: there were ages DD thrived in nursery far more than her days off with me, but then she started school and benefited from more time off, but then I’m hitting the tail-end of maternity and need to refill the coffers AND have a lot of kid-free time to regenerate my brain and sanity, but in six months that’ll change again… I’m lucky to be self employed so I can ring the changes but it’s never not hard. There’s always something that has to give: time, money, sanity.