To feel so guilty about wrap around care.

[Giantwaterbottle4]

I know I am probably not unreasonable but I just feel awful about my kids being in wrap around care. They are 5 and 3 and both have to go to breakfast club and after school club.
They don't get home until 5 and are out of the house by 7:30. I just feel like this is not how life should be and not how envisaged parenting!

Is this really the norm? Or am I failing them and have set them for exhaustion and burnout when they are so young.

It doesn't help that they both say they miss me, especially the younger one and that they don't want to go. Once they are there they both seem happy and have good days but they are always so tired when home

I own a wrap around care company and although I know they're not all the same, every kid in mine loves the friends they've made, the feeling of belonging to a club and the things they learn with us. A lot of them say they don't want to come to their parents but apart from illness/tiredness on odd occasion we never see that side of them. If your providers are as dedicated as we are to making sure they feel happy, looked after and nurtured then you have nothing to worry about

My DD now 23 went into wraparound care straight from age 4 and yes I felt very guilty as she seemed so small. It is a long day for little ones but they can decompress there and forge separate friendships. Our school wrap a round team became like another family. She could play as much as she wanted or chill watching cartoons and eating toast. Just like being at home. There's enough people going to criticize you in life without you beating on yourself. Stop it 💐

It was of course a shitty answer. OP's children are not spending the majority of their lives with strangers. That's factually inaccurate and the language is emotionally manipulative.

It's also not a shitty situation.

Hear, hear. It’s a deeply ordinary situation.

My DC were in nursery from 8 until 5.30, 5 days a week from 12 months old, then wraparound care around school hours once they started school.

I'm not sure why people consider it is always a bad thing. They had fun, engaging activities all day, were cared for by lovely, competent people and are now amazing, confident teenagers and we are incredibly close. Just make sure you have time with them at weekends and dedicate your annual leave to quality time with them and they'll thrive.

OP, is the father of your child around and does he feel guilty about the amount of childcare you are both using for your DC? If not, then you shouldn't feel guilty either.

If you both feel guilty, then talk to each other about it and see if there's anything that can be done. If there isn't, then let go of the guilt as the situation is a necessity.

My DC are in full time childcare and they have access to toys, people and experiences they don't get at home.

For many families this is a necessity, to keep the roof over their heads, food on the table and everything warm etc. for others it is a decision made because the work they do isn't something that can be done part time, and certainly not something you can leave for 5 years and return to. Many women are main or sole breadwinners.

If you can alter your hours to finish early once a week perhaps, could that help?

Nobody has the perfect situation really, it's comprises all around. Try not to feel guilty, and remember you are doing your best!

For many families this way of being is a necessity and i think kids are remarkably resilient. When we were in the same boat, we made the decision to only have one of us work (one of ours has some additional needs and was not tolerating wrap around well).

It means we will forever live in a house that's a bit too small, only get to go abroad every few years and our pension will be smaller but it was the right choice for us.

I did this for a year or so. It was OK for the kids, I think it upset me more than it upset them! In the end I just decided it was too much for me and I changed my job and reduced my hours (and income) to be around more. A few weeks in, I asked my eldest 'is it nice to have mummy around a bit more and picking you up some days?' and she looked at me with clearly no idea what I was talking about as she'd barely noticed! Kids are more resilient than you think. I think if you want to be around more it would be great if you could discuss compressed hours, maybe your DP could do same- if you both work four days then that's two days of the week when your kids will have a parent around. But if you really can't, they will be fine. They know you love them and they're in a safe, loving family, that's the main thing.

Both of my children never knew a 9-3 day, it was always an 8-5.
Every day I used to feel guilty, but they were absolutely fine, knew no different!!
Fast forward 20 years, and they often comment on the fun they had, the friends they made, and how hard mum (single mum) worked to give them nice things as they grew up.
I don't regret it at all

Mine are in wraparound 5 days a week until 6pm.

They have really built their friendship groups at after school club, it’s given them so much more unstructured time with their peers than they would have otherwise and those friendships have flourished, including with children it would be hard to arrange regular play dates with. They get lots of outdoor time to run around.

They still take part in clubs arranged by school (sports, chess, book club, archery) and they do swimming, scouts and music lessons too.

I try to devote some time with them every night to read or play a game and we always have dinner together.

We try to have relaxed weekends and devote as much time as possible to family time.

I don’t feel guilty.

You’re not failing them. It’s probably not ideal, but what choice do you have? I understand why you feel guilty, but I assume you are doing this out of necessity rather than choice at least. Don’t beat yourself up, they certainly won’t be the only ones.

Is there any way you can talk to work? I do think it's a lot for the 3 year old especially. Even two afternoons at 3.30 would make a world of difference.

DD did 8-6 from 11 months old at nursery, 4 days a week. She's now at school doing 7.45 till 5.45 3 days a week plus an additional day of breakfast club. I try to get there for 5pm as much as possible so we have a little extra time at home before bed.

The staff are lovely, there's other kids from her class that go, she knows some of the older kids now as well which I think is great as she's more aware of school life outside of the reception bubble.

I get the guilt and in an ideal world we wouldn't have the need for wraparound care but the world is not ideal unfortunately (not saying that's right, it's just how it is!)

That said I was surprised that out of the 5 local schools, only 3 offered full wraparound care. Our closest school had nothing which meant we didn't even apply.

@Crunchymum

I stayed home with mine until youngest was 6 then worked pt so finished in time for the school run. This meant financial sacrifices, and careful planning eg food. We certainly didn't live the lifestyles I read about today like paid for activities each weekend, take aways, trips out etc but it was right for me - my dd has asd and seizures so options for out of school care were almost non existent

A lot of people are in the same situation. It's no different to my DS being at pre-school at the moment, he's there from 8-5.30 most days because I have to work, and I have no guilt as most days he'd rather be there than with me as all his friends are there.

You're still assuming that people put their children in wraparound care because of 'lifestyle choices' and it gives me the rage.

We put ours in wraparound care because we needed to heat, eat and keep a roof over our heads. We were stony bloody broke. I still remember the fear when the car made an odd noise ( and no, the car wasn't a luxury because no public transport).

You were lucky to be able to have a parent nit working. Most people are not.

I agree with this. The ASC involves children of different ages and so my DD has a friend in year 5 / year 3 etc and she loves that. Even though she's in the same class as a lot of the ASC crowd, they're like a little gang after school. She often tells her dad to go away and come back again so she has more time to play.

It was a choice for us at the time - when I went back to work we could have survived on DH's salary (or a little more generously on mine as I was the slightly higher earner), although that would be a lot tougher now with increased mortgage payments thanks to higher interest rates.

I absolutely made a choice.

It wasn't about "lifestyle choices" like activities and weekend trips, it was about my choice of lifestyle to continue the career I'd worked for for a decade, and use the 4 years UG, 1 year PG and 9 years professional study I'd done.

We expect our girls to work hard in school and get a decent education after that but then they turn 30, have a baby and all of a sudden it's the judgmental head tilt if they don't want to give that up.

It’s absolutely fine, mine did too and they are teens now (one at Uni) and absolutely well adjusted normal kids with no sense of anger they went to the Afterschool club so I could put a roof over their head. It’s only for a part of their childhood, don’t feel guilt

It's far from ideal, for you or them, however I'm fairly confident that you're not alone in having to live this way.

I'm lucky that I can be flexible enough that I should be able to do normal school drop off and pick up, but if it had been 5 years ago, I absolutely wouldn't have had that flexibility, nor would I have been able to afford to drop hours. A lot of jobs don't offer that flexibility and with today's prices being so much higher than they were 5 years ago, many people may have thought they could afford part time, had kids, and now can't.

Financial should obviously be a part of the decision as to whether you can have children. But the world changes and so you can plan all you want but its not guaranteed.

EDIT - this was a reply to @kirinm

Yep I often get told off if I turn up early!

I also wonder how much time parents who pick their children up from school at 3:30 are spending on quality 1-1 interaction with them, v.s. stuff they could have done at ASC anyway (playing with friends, running around, playing with toys) or watching TV?

I speak for myself but when I worked less than 5 days a week in the time after school often I'd end up on a playdate, chatting with the parent while the kids played with each other. Or my DC playing in their room while I made dinner. Or them nagging me to turn the TV or play on the Ipad. We didn't spend oodles of time on wholesome parent-child activities!

It is the fact that it is deeply ordinary that makes it shitty.

We wouldn't survive without both wages. I would LOVE to stay home with DD. I'd also love to stay home and still let her go to nursery a couple of mornings/days a week because she loves it and gets a lot from it. I'd also love for both of us to be able to do something we love rather than what pays the bills AND be at home with DD making lovely family memories every day.

But even with the careful planning and cutting right back etc. We can't afford to live without my wage. We have done all of that careful planning and cut backs etc and I'm able to work PT so she's in nursery three days rather than five. But it's not a choice of "work or SAHM". It's a choice of work or we don't pay the mortgage or have the heating on.

I'm glad you were able to afford to make that choice. Most people can't.