To feel so guilty about wrap around care.

[Giantwaterbottle4]

I know I am probably not unreasonable but I just feel awful about my kids being in wrap around care. They are 5 and 3 and both have to go to breakfast club and after school club.
They don't get home until 5 and are out of the house by 7:30. I just feel like this is not how life should be and not how envisaged parenting!

Is this really the norm? Or am I failing them and have set them for exhaustion and burnout when they are so young.

It doesn't help that they both say they miss me, especially the younger one and that they don't want to go. Once they are there they both seem happy and have good days but they are always so tired when home

YABU to feel guilty if that's what you need to do.

Can either of you afford to drop a day a week? I don't see it as just the Mum's role. However it depends how much you need the money from you both working full time. I'd prioritise spending time with them over new car, holiday abroad etc. You never get those years back & can both go FT once they are a bit older.

I'm not being sexist. I just think it's a long day x 5 every week.

Is this every day? If so Id try and see if you can change things ?

Sounds very hard, It may becoming more of the norm but agree its a long day for small DC especially 5 days a week and not ideal , probably very tiring, and they do end up spending more time each week with other people than with either you or their dad.
On the plus side it could help them be socialable and more resilient -they may love it . Or they may struggle with it depends on the child and type of childcare.
Can you and DH negotiate a more flexible pattern so one of you can drop off later and start work later and the other one start work early and finish early so do an earlier pick up ? Or look at requesting a 4 day week. Salary sacrifice may not be that much once you take child care, tax , travel cost etc out of it.
Can either of you WFH at all to make days shorter?
Can you or DH look for a more flexible jobs to improve work life balance?
However feeling guilty isnt good for you, does their dad feel guilty? Mum guilt is awful all you can do is the best you can and no parent is perfect, you sound like a lovely mum.

If you'd rather they were in a home type environment, than would a childminder work? Our childminder became a real part of our family, much loved by our dc and still has a close relationship now they are too big for childcare.

But, they will be fine. You aren't leaving them with strangers, you are leaving them with familiar adults they will build bonds with.

What is they alternative? My dc were sometimes tired after a long day, but that was clearly preferable to me losing my job and us losing our house or not affording food.

Could someone please tell my 5 year old he should be asleep by 6.30pm? 😂 Tonight he was still wide awake and chatty at 8.30, I had to sing my entire repertoire of lullabies to get him to sleep.

Im one, and most my friends who have kids his age, My DS who is 6 would be shattered if he was still awake at 8.30pm, especially if he had to be out the house by 07.30 like the OP. He would be a disaster after a few days with school . He has one late night a week (8pm), but that's at the end of the week so doesn't really impact school as he gets to catch up at the weekend We also don't stay with him singing him to sleep, he just goes up at 6.30, ready for book and bed. But as others have said everyone is different and does what works for them, it's never "one size fits all for kids" in my experience.

OP you can only do what you can do, it does sound like it's not how you wanted it to be. It must be hard to feel guilty about it, knowing they don't want to go and there is no point people telling you not to feel the way you do.
I'm sure you have already thought of this but are there any ways you could minimise the days that they attend, maybe your partner starting later a day or 2 a week and you starting super early a day or 2 in time to finish and pick them up? They are socialising all day at school at that age, so they are still getting those skills in just being there, so maybe try a childminder, so the kids are at home and can have down time if they want.

Not everyone has a career, some just go to work and as OP hasn't told us which job she does. I am pretty sure your MH and the care of your offspring are far more important considerations, if not why bother having children in the first place?

SAHMs statistically have poorer MH than WOHMs, with more reporting depression.

But did staying at home cause the depression, or is it the case that people (of either sex) with fragile MH are more likely to opt out of the workplace?

But did staying at home cause the depression, or is it the case that people (of either sex) with fragile MH are more likely to opt out of the workplace?

I can't speak for others, but for me personally, being at home looking adter a baby was awful for my mental health. I was instantly better when I went back to work!

Future earning potential and pension are more important considerations for a parent deciding whether or not to stay in the workforce.

Agreed. This was why I went from part time to full time, even though I actually 'earned' less when I did so. Playing the long game!

And yes, of course MH and childcare needs to factor in. But they loved nursery, and my MH was all the better for returning to work.

Hi everyone, thanks again for the opinions and advice. I've thought so much about all this.

Some points, I don't have a career as such but it isn't a bad job (in the public sector) and the pay does increase for I think 5 years. Also has an ok pension.

I pretty much have to go back so part time (as I do now) isn't an opinion.

However I have worked it a bit better I think.
Come September both will be in school.

So their days will be leaving the house at 7:30 - home by about 4:20/4:30, latest 5 on v busy days.

They go to bed for about 7/7:30 sometimes the youngest is asleep at 6:30 ish. They tend to get up at 5/6 (for youngest) 6/630 for eldest so we have a fair bit of time in the evening.
I'm trying to put a positive spin on things and believe that they won't be negatively impacted.

And like so many have said, I don't really have a choice so what else can I do 🤷‍♀️😭

They will be fine. Mine were there until 5:30 at least and they honestly were fine. The club's were great and offered nothing different to what good parents offer, activity outside, fun in the park, meeting with friends, baking, cooking, sports, or indeed, relaxing in front of the TV, and even playing on the Xbox.

Funnily, the Xbox and TV were not popular and must kids preferred to be involved in the activities. Mine loved it.