To feel so guilty about wrap around care.

[Giantwaterbottle4]

I know I am probably not unreasonable but I just feel awful about my kids being in wrap around care. They are 5 and 3 and both have to go to breakfast club and after school club.
They don't get home until 5 and are out of the house by 7:30. I just feel like this is not how life should be and not how envisaged parenting!

Is this really the norm? Or am I failing them and have set them for exhaustion and burnout when they are so young.

It doesn't help that they both say they miss me, especially the younger one and that they don't want to go. Once they are there they both seem happy and have good days but they are always so tired when home

I don’t really think many people have a totally ideal set-up.

My kids go to wraparound, so they spend most of their lives with strangers, but they do always have two parents around at bedtime - one each to read them a story, talk about their days and any worries or problems they have, etc.

One of my best friends is a SAHM - her kids are collected from school at 3/don’t go to nursery, but she says bedtimes are absolute pandemonium - her husband’s never there because he’s got to work (much harder to draw boundaries at work when your family’s survival depends on your performance) and each of their children is just desperate for a bit of 121 time with a parent.

As I said upthread, there’s very little in life that hasn’t got both advantages and disadvantages.

I think the fact you're so worried about this shows you're a great aren't who thinks a lot about what's best for her children.

If you want practical solutions, I flexed a few days to start early and then I get them from school. Would that work?

But if its just guilt - as a child I was often picked up by a nanny, but I envied the children staying at afterschool club with all our friends it seemed so much fun. My parents worked full time- but I loved the holiday clubs and activities. And , yes, the holidays and luxuries that maybe came with it.

My husbands (busy) mum was home every day after school, but mainly got on with things and left them watching tv/entertaining themselves. He isn't unhappy about jt, but doesn't see it as necessarily any better than afterschool care

Someone else is absolutely not "raising your children" - you are there mornings, evenings, nighttime, holidays, weekends. They will absolutely know you are their mum.

Choice here too. DS isn't school age yet so no wraparound care and we likely won't need to use it full time due to flexibility options.

I had a shorter maternity leave than usual and DS goes to nursery full time. I enjoy my career and there was no way I was giving it up.

I assume in child care as You work.

You provide a roof over their heads and food in their tummies plus clothes toys etx

And sure lots of love and cuddles as well

Don't feel Guilty

Not sure why the childcare costs ?

Could you use a cm so a home from home and can chill /relax more after school /pre school

Or look at costs of a nanny. If you use a nwoc Costa are a little cheaper - then in own home

But you picking them up at 5 is a good time. Many children are in childcare til 630/7 whether nurseries or nannies etx

You still have time each evening to do tea /homework /play/read /bath /bedtime

Dont beat yourself up. I am a lone parent who has same hours. It has to be done to provide for your kids end of really.

Yeah, because mothers who work do it for luxuries, whereas fathers who work do so to put food on the table. 🙄

I was JUST about to say this.
I can't believe we still have to challenge this ridiculous view.

DD4 spent the weekend making a birthday-love-thank-you (who knows) card for her favourite teacher at the wraparound provision. If I turn up too early she asks to stay to finish her snack and play some more; she’s frequently requested to stay to the very end of the session (impossible as her baby brother needs to eat and would danger nap if I picked her up later). (Her wraparound looks enormously fun tbh: free play, make their own sandwiches, access to a hoarder’s paradise of colouring in and crafting materials, open access to the playground and garden, some TV time. At home it’s more like “I’ll be with you in a minute, I just need to make tea.”)

She loved and adored her nursery key worker – and is always thrilled to see nursery staff out and about in town; in turn they always stop to say hello and see how she’s doing. You could say this means I’ve completely outsourced nurturing her or you could say she’s developed multiple meaningful interactions and relationships with people outside of her immediate family, because she’s confident and secure, and this will stand her in good stead as she goes out into the world – which starts in reception, where they have to navigate their own path in new surroundings and learn all this STUFF and new motor skills and it’s exhausting; how much easier is it if they’re able to rub along with strangers and build relationships?

Mine are a bit older now, but we used childminders and/or in home care at this stage. Whether it’s ok depends on child and nature of wrap around. Our school had mixed age care, and IMO it was not one bit good for the little ones, for
more than a couple of days each week. They got too tired, and disruptive and overwrought.
For many years we had a TA from school bring the children home, take them to activities etc. It was no more expensive than clubs times three, snd so
much gentler for both us and them.

Guilt is a wasted emotion OP, and you are clearly a good parent.

No, it’s not ideal. But it is very necessary and very normal in the society we live in. Plenty of kids are in childcare longer than these hours. Unfortunately, without family help (those who have it are SO lucky!) or without being able to work flexibly or not at all, it’s become the norm.

Do the kids have dinner with you when they get home?

Whilst this situation isn't unusual, I don't know how helpful it is to hear from those who have done similar and never felt any sense of guilt or unhappiness about the situation. The point is, OP clearly feels that the current setup isn't ideal for her or her children. It may well be a necessary evil but there is nothing wrong with her feeling angry about the lack of options available to her and families like her own. I believe we instinctively know as parents when we hit the right balance with these kinds of things and OP's feeling that the balance is wrong will probably be pretty accurate for her family.

I'm not saying that OP can or should change anything but I think downplaying how she feels and emphatically stating that her children won't be detrimented by the wraparound care is pretty disingenuous when none of us know the children in question. Some kids will thrive in these kinds of settings, some will survive them relatively unscathed and some will find them very difficult indeed.

normal. Many have such long days in nursery as soon as the maternity finishes. Don't beat yourself up. It's pretty standard. They will survive.

Nonsense. The OP has asked if she's failing as a parent. A lot of parents are saying no she isn't because putting kids in nursery / after school clubs isn't something anyone should feel guilty about.

I'm not going to say you know what OP do continue feeling guilty but know that you're not a bad parent.

Society often makes women feel guilty though because society says that mothers need to be the default parent. Like others have pointed out on this thread, there's a double standard when it comes to mothers working vs fathers working.

I don't think there's anything wrong at all with reassuring OP and telling her that she has nothing to feel guilty for because she really doesn't. I don't understand how that is potentially any less helpful than some other comments on the thread, especially ones which could do nothing but make OP feel even more guilty.

Ultimately, OP can decide for herself which comments she does or doesn't find helpful. Maybe she will appreciate the various comments.

I would be prepared to do this with a childminder but not a breakfast club/after school club.

You shouldn’t feel bad it’s not your fault that modern life is set up this way and people have to work and put dc in childcare, there should be more support for families so they don’t have to but sadly there isn’t. You’re only doing your best

Stating someone has 'nothing to feel guilty' about though is part of the problem. OP does feel guilty and you are basically dismissing this by saying it's unfounded when you have no idea regarding the origins of the guilt.

If it derived completely from external sources like the misogynistic societal standards you outline then yes of course, this can be discounted. If however the OP feels this way because the current setup doesn't align with what she feels is right for herself and her children then the guilt she is feeling is doing an important job. It is telling her that she perhaps needs to work towards changing something so that she is happier with the setup. We all need to be guided by our intrinsic values and not told by society (one way or the other) that the way we choose to parent is 'right' or 'wrong'.

I assume you don’t have a choice and that’s why it’s the way it is?
If you can’t change it you can’t change it.

Are you in a position to drop some hours at all, or compress your hours, adding time other days so you can say pick them up on a Friday?

All 3 of mine are in childcare/school 730-5. Needs must to go to work and put a roof over their heads. They are all happy, confident and robust young people!

If your hours are rigid, could your DH drop a day or two, or compress his hours?

Assuming OP and her partner utilise their annual leave to spend time with their children, and the children are not in childcare at the weekend nor past 5pm during the week, I don’t see how they could possibly be spending more time with “strangers” than their parents. The maths doesn’t add up.

So I agree with PP, that really was a shitty comment.

Who says this is out of her control ? We all make our own choices. Maybe OP makes enough after childcare bill to pay other main bills the it's worth, if she only has £50 left after the childcare bill then it's not worth it and it is within her control to change it.

Guilt is a completely wasted emotion. It serves no purpose for you or them. You need to work, they need care, it's a perfectly normal situation. The best way to deal with it and to help with the guilt is to put it in perspective, and be upbeat and matter of fact about it. Your children will be fine.

There are 168 hours in a week. Your children are at school/care for 50 of those hours. If they sleep for 40, they still spend 78 with you. Don't spend a minute of that time feeling guilty about putting a roof over their heads and meals on the table.

One shouldn’t only focus on incremental earnings in the present to determine whether to continue or abandon one’s career after children. Future earning potential and pension are more important considerations for a parent deciding whether or not to stay in the workforce.

Surely it’s the family pot that only has the £50, childcare being a joint cost not a whimsical personal spend?

And perhaps £50 is worth it. It’s quite odd to decide a price on her behalf after her half of the childcare bill. £50 could be a bill, the difference between yellow sticker own brand beans and nice ones; it could be the self worth and sanity in working; it could represent staying in the workforce to contribute to a pension and put oneself in the running for future promotions and payrises; it could be buffer savings because being up £50 is better than an even £0. There are lots of reasons to work even if the family is only or barely breaking even after childcare.

Well, as I said before, I'm sure OP is more than capable of deciding herself which comments she does or doesn't find to be helpful.