To feel so guilty about wrap around care.

[Giantwaterbottle4]

I know I am probably not unreasonable but I just feel awful about my kids being in wrap around care. They are 5 and 3 and both have to go to breakfast club and after school club.
They don't get home until 5 and are out of the house by 7:30. I just feel like this is not how life should be and not how envisaged parenting!

Is this really the norm? Or am I failing them and have set them for exhaustion and burnout when they are so young.

It doesn't help that they both say they miss me, especially the younger one and that they don't want to go. Once they are there they both seem happy and have good days but they are always so tired when home

The real conversation here is whether there is an alternative. Could you (or any partner) work shorter hours could either of you cut back in certain areas and work less?

it's not ideal for children to be out of the house that long five days a week, but if that is the only way that you can keep a roof over your head and feed them then what that's what you need to do and you shouldn't feel guilty about it as you are doing your best.

I think a lot of people are in this situation OP.

I wouldn't feel guilty about it - the wraparound care is probably fun, they will have their friends, know the carers etc.

And as another poster said - I do think it builds resilience and independence vs. children who never leave their parents sides.

I am facing a similar situation and am trying to work out a way to reduce this by:

• Already WFH two days so can do drop off / pick up
• Arranging with friend at same school to do 1 x morning drop off and 1 x evening pick up a week for each other

Obviously a lot easier to juggle if not a single-parent family.

It’s awful. And society should not be set up in this manner. It doesn’t work

Don't feel guilty - it's a great way for them to build friendships and independence. My dcs go to enrichment clubs before and after school so they are out 7.45-4.30 some days - it's not for childcare as I don't work but they get to do fun activities in a group setting and not have to be ferried around to clubs. If they got picked up at a normal time they'd just get bored at home or I'd be stuck hosting play dates. I think just make the most of weekend time and school holidays. It's tiring at first but yhey will get used to it.

I think it's too much at that age. Fine 2 or 3 days a week perhaps, but not every day. Obviously if it's absolutely essential then carry on, but think about cutting your outgoings if at all possible. They won't be young very long.
They need you more than they need holidays, new clothes, a car, a netflix subscription, an iPhone, etc.

OP isn't putting her child in enormously expensive wraparound childcare to allow her to buy clothes, holidays and iPhones.

Absolutely clueless.

Yeah, because mothers who work do it for luxuries, whereas fathers who work do so to put food on the table. 🙄

They also need a roof over their head, food, central heating, clothes, the council tax being paid… Not all outgoings can be cut.

I was just about to say this myself.

The double standards never fails to amaze me. Men are heroes for financially providing for their families but those silly women only work for holidays and iphones.

Yes, what I heard someone refer to the other day as ‘handbag money’.

Yuck.

I've seen handbags thrown around on here as well, usually if it isn't iphones then it's handbags.

Sexism truly alive and well in 2024.

My two grew up like this. They're functional, lively adults now with secure attachments and a healthy attitude to relationships. When they're home, they occasionally see their former wraparound care staff in town and always stop for a catchup. These people are not 'strangers' , they are part of the village it takes to raise a child.

Crumbs, my toddler is at nursery 8 til 5 for 5 days per week, as both parents work full time!

She can't even talk to tell me how she finds it yet.

I never wanted to outsource all my childcare, but I am the main earner, and the mortgage has to be paid.

Like me, you're not unreasonable to feel guilty about it, but don't set yourself up to have others on mumsnet criticise you for your decisions.

My kids have been 9-5pm 5 days a week since they were 9mo old. As long as they enjoy it then everyone is happy.

Don’t feel guilty! Both of mine were in childcare 8-6 from 10 months old, for 4 days a week, and many friends did 5 days a week. It’s just a reality if you have expenses that require a double income AND also if you have two parents with significant commitment to a career. I was lucky in that I could compress hours 10/9 and my DH did likewise, so we each had 1 day at home in a fortnight. I was VERY struck that my husband got hero points for this, whereas it was seen as par for the course for me. When both kids are at school I will revert to 10/10, maybe with an early finish one day.

My mum worked full time (as did my dad) when I was a kid, and in retrospect I’m grateful for the example that it’s ok for women to be ambitious and focus on their career as well as have a family. It definitely helped form my expectations. We focussed on maximising the time we do have together and making that as good as possible, and I try to do the same with my family (without martyrdom!).

Please don't beat yourself up about it. It is necessary for you to provide them with a life that you want to and in some cases just to provide a basic living life.

My kids are 2 and 6. 2 year old is in nursery 730am to 430pm (like my eldest was). 6 year old is breakfast club at 730 then in school until 3.15pm. I do school pick ups everyday.

It's tough to find the right balance. I chose to drop 1.5 hours a day (basically 1 day a week over 5 days) to be able to pick my eldest up from school BUT I work extremely hard over the 5 years before he started school to earn enough to not notice the decrease in pay. Not everyone has that luxury and if I hadn't he would have been in afterschool care too.

If it helps its not the wrap around care that burns my 6 year old out....its just the school day. School is hard- esp now he has stepped up to year 1. We make the most of our time together in holidays (we try to cover as much as the holidays as we can) as well as balancing that with downtime for the kids. Weekends we do lots of activities together but also spend quality time together.

I do think it is also about what you do with you time with you children. Yes they might seem tired but it does get better.

It sounds awful, sorry.

Why do you think that was a shitty answer?

I read it as an honest answer about a shitty situation.

Well done for providing for your family.

You don't mention a DP but if you have one, how do they feel about it?

I work with children and also spoke to a therapist once about this and she said that you have more influence over your children then anyone else purely because you are their parent. The more I've thought of that over the years the more I realise how true it is.

Let go of the guilt.

I used to go to my grannies after school until 5...it was very boring tbh I think I'd rather have been at afterschools which will have fun activities and other people the kids own age.

How isn't it a shitty answer?

Emotive language to make the OP feel more guilty
Ignores the fact that weekends exist
Dramatically acts like the children get home at 5pm and immediately go to bed
Are the teachers ''strangers'' (if so, we all send our children to strangers eventually unless we homeschool) or just the wraparound care staff?

Mine are about the same age and spend similar time in childcare, 4 days a week.

I don’t feel bad about it. To be fair, I think an ideal world would involve one of us not working, but only (a) with no reduction to our household income because the kids derive a lot of benefit from the standard of living that comes with having two working parents; and (b) with no reduction in the time spent with the other parent, because I can really see that they benefit from roughly equal involvement in their lives from both parents.

But that’s a pipe dream - pretty much no one can have that without a lottery win. People make their choices - they generally either have two parents working, or they accept a drop in household income and therefore living standards in order to have a parent at home as much as possible, or they have one high-earning parent who earns enough to maintain a two income lifestyle, but that inevitably has an impact on the children’s relationship with the parent who does the earning.

Advantages and disadvantages to any choice.

So what do all the people who don't use wrap around care do?

Are they SAHM / PT? Do they have family help? How do all the people who don't use wrap around care manage not to use wrap around care?

(I work PT due to youngest DC being disabled and in order to do this we have sacrificed many things so yes I spend more time with my DC but it's not left us in a great position financially)

Please don't beat yourself up. Both of mine (same ages as yours) have been FT in nursery from 10 months, and both have been absolutely fine. I have zero desire to be a SAHP and neither does DH, so childcare it is.

As others have said, no one judges men for this.

If you're not happy with it then see if you can tweak your hours. We each finish early one day a week to pick the eldest up from school and do her homework, and then work late on the night the other finishes early. Obviously depends on your jobs! But it's working ok for us (the short days are very short, and the long days are very long).