AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

I think a lot of people have sympathy for single mothers, I've recently split up with my DD's dad and people have certainly expressed as much to me. I'll be honest though now I am through the fog of the initial break up I am actually finding it easier to solo parent. Yes some things do take more thinking about (food shopping for example) and planning, but overall I feel like I have got into the swing of it now.

Why do you think this op ?. I am married to the father of my 3 kids, and I get about as much help from him as if I was single. Infact, I would get more support if I was single, espically finacally. Being part of a couple sometimes isnt as good as people make out to be. Infact, I am sick of single parents telling me how lucky I am. Let me give you an example, when my kids were little, because we were married we weremt entitled to any benifits, not evan tax credits, my husbands income wasnt enough to cover all bills etc. I had no choice to continue working, that leaves the problem of child care (yes couples have child issues aswell). We had to work opposite shifts. We never saw each other, that bought different issues. Dont get me wrong, im not in an abusive marriage, but being with someone brings different parenting problems. Not being rude, and I am sure your a lovely person, but with an attitude like that, im not surprised people find it awakward to talk around you.You dont have it mkre difficult because you happen to be a single parent.

I have a husband, but he’s a shift worker so essentially still parent alone! It certainly isn’t easy, a lot of single parents I know somehow are financially better off than we are as a couple, despite working less hours. Also, when you have a partner it’s someone else to take into account and find time for. It’s certainly not easier, just a different kind of challenge and stress

Exactly this! As a couple we were finally punished. We both had to work. We worked opposite shifts. Essentially I was worse off support wise than many of my single parent friends

I think some couples make it look hard, sometimes have no idea how they manage to be so inefficient 😅

I found life 100x easier as a single parent. Only myself & DC to think about. I also found it easy when my DC was aged 1-5. It's hard for everyone in different ways, at different stages. But I think if your friend has told you they can't share their own struggles that's a problem. I have friends who complain to me about what I could perceive as minor issues & I think you don't know how lucky you are.. but I support them and listen because to them life is hard, it is difficult and in that moment they need a friend. I hope life with your little one gets easier to manage soon OP.

I know some women who feel they have two children instead of one because the husband does nothing to help. You are actually better off than they are. And stop complaining so much. Nobody wants to hear you complaining all the time. You should try and enjoy your baby at this stage because it won’t last long and you will miss her being at this stage. Cherish this time in your life.

As a fellow single parent that does have dad involved but only every other weekend (so all school runs, rushed evenings, meal planning, doctors, dentists, school communication, play dates etc are on me) I know it can be really tough.

But yeah, you're massively unreasonable.

It’s not exactly the same scenario I know, but similar. I have a very close friend with horrible life limiting health problems and I was always very careful not to moan about not feeling well/feeling fat (she is in a wheelchair and struggles with her weight) etc etc.
I can’t even remember how it happened but we had it all out in the open one day and she said that she didn’t feel as if she was a good friend if I couldn’t tell her my problems; she could tell me hers but I wasn’t giving her the chance to help me with mine.
So maybe, OP, you all need to accept that you all have problems, but they’ll be different and specific to your circumstances. And that you should all talk about them to each other?

My DM was a single parent through choice and the day she asked our Dad to leave was the day her life got better as he had an alcohol problem so she worked two jobs, did all drop offs and pick ups for school for my DB and I plus cleaning shopping etc. before online existed. You never know what goes on behind closed doors so while it can appear that two people raising a child would always be easier you have no idea what they may be dealing with.

I had a baby in a couple (still together 17 years later) but my husband worked away all week and home for 2 nights. He was knackered, I was knackered. No family help. Money was tight and my dad took his own life when baby was 7 months old. So yeah, basically others have their own problems too. Of course you are wrong to assume you have it harder than anyone else.

I read once that even if your partner only contributes the minimum, say 10% if that was to go too it is guaranteed you would miss that 10% undoubtedly as it’s things you don’t have to consider yet suddenly are on you and you alone.
For the people who say they have another person to ‘look after’ and it makes it harder overall, then you need to evaluate your relationship. We are tied to our children and it is our job and privilege to care for them. Partners- no. It’s a choice you make daily and that is on you.
For people who stay because of finances, that is on you. You can choose to have this income and the security it buys, or you can chose to go your own way, possibly be financially worse off and have to work hard mer than ever to make end meet. However, from this you gain independence.
Its a choice, if you chose to stay for financial reasons then you are doing so knowing what your partner will bring (or not bring) to the table.

Believe it or not OP, life can be harder for a person with no kids.
They could have other factors stressing them out, like older/ill/ demanding parents, caring for siblings, not having a good job, mental health issues, being in an abusive relationship etc.
Life is hard full stop.
Some suffer more than others, but it's not necessarily because of kids.
It's not a competition.

mindset has a lot to do with this. You can think of yourself as fortunate or unfortunate in pretty much any situation.

I have one DD, 5mo, and am a solo mum (she was conceived via IVF with a donor). I’m single so have zero help from a partner, no family nearby (and none of them have ever helped with her) and no friends to help - I have friends but they’re not offering and I don’t want to put it on them. I’m freelance so only get statutory mat pay and will have to work again soon. BUT, I wanted her and tried for her for a long, long, long, time. That certainly doesn’t make it easy, but it does mean that I know how lucky I am. When people say ‘how do you do it?’ a) I don’t know anything else and b) I want to!

I’m not trying to sound like a martyr and at times I would love help - someone to hold her so I can eat/sort the house/whatever but if I wasted my time thinking couples have it easier I’d just feel resentful - what’s the point?

i do think (no one shoot me) sometimes people in couples don’t think their partner does much but would notice it if they weren't there - stupid stuff like grabbing milk on the way home rather than having to get a baby out of the house or turning off the oven before dinner burns whilst baby is mid meltdown. But generally speaking you never know how healthy the relationship is or how well it’s adjusted to kids, how childcare is split etc.

Agree that I hear lots of ‘my partners hopeless’ comments. In some cases I realise that may be true - but childcare is very very rarely 50/50 and I think that can make people a bit blind to the contribution partners do make because it’s not as much as they’d ideally like. I had a friend tell me her husband was hopeless because he wasn’t up with their son in the night, but her son breastfed. Her husband cooked, did the food shopping, laundry, bins, cleaning, bills admin etc. Not stuff for the baby, but chores around the edges that make life easier. I’m not saying that he was doing ‘her’ jobs or that he’s some sort of hero, only that she’d realise that he did contribute if he suddenly wasn’t there to do that stuff!

@Adviceplease18
Yes I'm also a bit skeptical of the comments about the partner doing absolutely nothing.

The direct comparison to being a lone parent would be a partner who doesn't work or won't share money; won't watch his children for five minutes whilst the other parent pops to the shop; doesn't play with them or talk to them or do any nursery / school runs or join in with day trips or holidays; will sit and look on doing nothing whilst sick wife looks after sick children; won't do anything even in an emergency e.g. take child to hospital; does zero housework, cooking, DIY and admin and provides zero emotional support.

I've no doubt some men like this exist but even my not at all helpful ex did some of that, though we split up partly because he didn't do enough. And there a few jobs which he did which I find hard or have had to learn how to do like some basic DIY, moving heavy stuff around, fitting car seats etc (not to say all women are going to find these things hard but I do).

I'm not one to say LTB but if you are truly in a relationship with someone like this I wouldn't hesitate to tell someone to leave.

And the clear message is - you're incredibly self-centered. You're possibly obnoxious and demanding of attention. And you seem to have very little empathy for other people. Or possibly, your friend is toxic. But how much time have you spent listening to other people's stresses.

NEWSFLASH - Every single person has stresses, whether it's work or work relationships, partners, immediate family, wider family, illness, bereavement, financial woes, unemployment, fear of unemployment, children being bullied, not being able to attend school events/days/activities, your child behaving out of character, not being able to get a gp appointment, no access to a dentist, being let down by a friend, not trusting a new friend, holidays, being invisible, being depressed, being taken advantage of, feeling like you're doing all the giving and a friend does all the taking ...... How much do you give to your friends?

Ask others how they are doing, and listen! Don’t take over the conversation with your own woes. Then talk about something pleasant and uplifting, latest movie, shopping trip, visit to the park with baby, anything but woe is me.

You are definitely BU OP. I spent the first years of my first daughter’s life on my own and it was actually much easier than raising children in a couple. It is absolutely relentless when you’re in a couple, and it’s the most testing time of a relationship. Ok your own you don’t have anyone to answer to, you don’t have the expectations of anybody else and you find a rhythm. My husband and I don’t always see eye to eye on parenting and sometimes it’s difficult to share the mental load.
saying that, in your position it’s going to get easier. Hang on ok there. Just maybe show some empathy to the other parents too. Parenting can be really shit.

I think it’s ridiculous that you can’t appreciate that life with kids full stop can be challenging regardless of whether you have a partner or not. However it’s not for your friend to tell you everyone else in the group can’t speak, what are they? Idiots with confidence problems? They need to get over themselves and unite in the group chat of moaning how hard it is with kids full stop.

Yabu. I have a friend who is a single parent, and I always feel like it's a competition if I moan about anything. I have a dh and 2 dc, she is single and she has 1dc. I work full time in a high-pressure job. She is self-employed, can decide when she works, and when she doesn't, she works a couple of hours a day if that. She does all school picks up, I can't do any, I use breakfast club. I am run ragged, and find it hard to do food shopping, cleaning etc. DH works the same hours and pulls his weight, but we also have double the amount of children and people in our household. Our lives are very different, but I will never moan to her, as it will result in a competition and she has to win. It does put me off spending time with her, to be honest. I'm not for a second saying that being a single parent isn't hard. Of course it is. It must be difficult that a single parent carries all the mental load as well as the day to day stuff. I appreciate some fathers walk away, contribute vert little, or can make life more difficult. However, I think your friends may need a little sympathy. I have another friend who struggled when she became a parent. I remember her bursting into tears on a day out. I didn't tell her to stop crying because She had a dh at home, and things should be plain sailing and easy. I asked her what was wrong.

Yep, the my partner is hopeless / doesn't do anything / is away most of the week.. is no way comparable to being a single parent.

So do they refuse to stay in in the evening while you quickly pop to the shop to get milk? Do they never take the bins out / mow the lawn / fix bits around the house / water the plants / entertain the child for 2 mins etc.. all these little things add up to more than the sum of their parts when it's all on you. One of my friends is always complaining about having to 'do it all' but then says oh yeh well he does the cooking...

I also think people can be quite self centered when it comes to looking after children though, people at my work constantly saying oh I just need to log off at 3.30 and will be back on at 5 as I need to pick up my child / I won't be in till 10 as need to drop off my child - how is this acceptable, child care exists, use it. What about people who are caring for relative's etc other shit going on in their lives..

Absolutely agree, lower aged children are by far easier than any other age group I’ve found!! I now have a 5 year old and a 14 year old and Christ. Life is hard!! And I’m in a couple. I would much prefer to be parenting a teen on my own, the issues that come with parenting as a couple are heightened when it’s a teen. Because the ideas of how things should be are so wildly different and often there is no compromise. He is my son and my partners step son, and so I do sometimes manage to pull rank which i hate doing. But when it’s our daughter, I just don’t know how we will manage to parent effectively when we both think different things are the right way and the best way. And often there is no negotiation available. It’s very very hard.
1-5 is absolutely the easier situation. I miss a bedtime 😂😂😂🙈

So do they refuse to stay in in the evening while you quickly pop to the shop to get milk? Do they never take the bins out / mow the lawn / fix bits around the house / water the plants / entertain the child for 2 mins etc.

but what if that is sandwiched between hours of arguments and tension and stress?

Are you listening that a lot of us on this thread have been both in a couple and a single parent? I would go back to being a single parent in a heartbeat because it was hugely easier. Every single thing in my life was easier. By vast amounts. And not because my partner is crap, or doesn’t pull his weight, he’s a great dad and we have a good system for almost everything. I’m currently pregnant and he is doing absolutely everything for us all. And yet still, I would go back to being a single parent. Autonomy over your parenting is something every single parent takes for granted in my opinion, until you realise how little you have that when in a couple.