AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

Are you even reading what’s been said?! 😂
read my posts.
he does not do nothing, he does a lot. He is a good dad. He is a good partner. We have a very happy relationship.
are you really that stuck into your mantra that your life is the hardest anyone will ever experience that you really can’t see how everything else I’ve said can still be true EVEN though we are happy and EVEN though he helps round the house. 😂🤦🏽‍♀️🙈
I haven’t said once that he does nothing and so that’s why my life is harder than before. I have said multiple times that DIFFERENT THINGS ARE HARDER AND OTHERS ARE EASIER. But that the things that are harder impact me more than me having to be the only parent that hoovers or puts the kids to bed.
you are arguing against my own experience. I have had all situations. I was in a bad relationship with a child, single from 6m to 8 years, a good relationship with that child, a good relationship with a second child, and now good relationship pregnant with my third.
MY EXPERIENCE IS THAT BEING A SINGLE PARENT WAS EASIER IN MANY WAYS THAN ANY OF THOSE OTHER SCENARIOS. Not that being a single parent was easy. And not because I’m unhappy or he’s shit or I don’t want to be with him. For all the reasons I have gone into on this post, which you are refusing to acknowledge because heaven forbid you accept that you may just may be in the wrong and something you haven’t experienced yet may well be more difficult in different ways to what you are experiencing now.

Then why comment? My post is aimed at those stating their partners DO nothing and make their life harder!

Yeah this was my situation.

Being a single parent was much easier.

I think it's the word ALWAYS in your statement that makes it unreasonable.

Not really sure how or why this post has turned into a battle between those in couples and solo parents (I know that’s the subject posted, but still…). The fact is that there’s no definitive harder or easier. It’s what is harder or easier to YOU. In the same way that one person’s mild headache is another person's agony.

You can only know what has or hasn’t worked for you. Some people are single parents but have lots of family support. Some are in couples and have none, including from a partner. Objectively, yes two people could be easier than one. But could doesn’t always mean is and the resentment that can stir is clear from some posts here. Solo parenting is ALSO really hard - for me, it can be because there’s no one there to share the lovely moments as much as the tough ones.

In parenting I think everyone is doing what they can, how they can, and hoping it’s ok. So why are we always constantly judging each other..? I don’t get it.

Eh, because you’re trying to take the ops post down a different track. @Hankiesk ‘s post was that she believes she has it harder than all her friends & a friend las told her that the other people in her group didn’t feel comfortable talking to her because of this.

You have a skewed view that everyone commenting is saying they have deadbeat partners so why have them.

@saffy2 is highlighting that that is not what she or others (inc me) are saying.

But you are clearly entrenched in your view that you have everything harder than everyone else. I wonder how much your friends reach out to you for support with their lives.

im sorry to hear that you haven’t had a single day off from looking after your 7 year old since they were born. It must be hard for you if you don’t have any friends or relatives that could look after them for even a few hours, rather than deciding your lot is the worst, invest time in nurturing relationships that will give you the support network you clearly need.

Oh so you know everyone’s situation and why some people don’t have anyone that can look after their children? My children have multiple and complex disabilities that people can’t manage with hence why I have no one that is able to look after them! Not all single parents have bags of support and people willing to look after their kids and you clearly don’t have disabled children if you think it’s as simple as finding friends to have them. This thread is FULL of people claiming being a single parent is much much easier then being with a partner so why did you look for a partner to begin with and not use a donor? If life is so much easier alone? all single mums clearly live the life of Riley 😂

I suggest all the couples on here claiming it’s just them and no friends or family have their kids so also go and find this magically support network of friends willing to have your children!

Exactly that.

A lot of us go into marriage with that commitment that we’re going to try and make it work. I’ve left a relationship and it was for the best long term so I absolutely wouldn’t judge what anyone else does.

However I’ve seen friends be in very tough relationships (no physical abuse) particularly during their children’s early years and wonder why they stayed (having had the experience of being a single parent myself and knowing their life could be so much easier compared to what they were going through). Yet they’ve been determined to get through it and now their kids are older and at school plus maybe they’ve changed jobs, locations etc to try and improve things and now life is better for them. They’ve still got their marriage hopefully for life but definitely during some years they will admit they would have found it much easier for their partner to live on a desert island.
Some people go through years of trying and enduring and found it wasn’t worth it and just left with the memory of lots of miserable years. Its a gamble but if everyone split up with their partner because he didn’t make parenting easier there would hardly be anyone left married

I don't think so. The OP said it is always easier and it isn't. I posted up thread about having a 2 year old and 10 day old when the Consultant told us my husband was permanently disabled. He has limited mobility, he is in constant pain. I suppose I could have taken the advice on here and thrown him out, I mean caring for and supporting your partner when they become disabled is optional isn't it? Well we took in sickness and in health seriously and as I loved him I didn't kick him out. I went back to work when baby was 8 months old, cared for my husband and brought up my children. Would it have been easier for me in my circumstances to be a lone parent? You bet it would.

My circumstances aren't the norm but I absolutely refute that it is always easier to be in a couple.

Oh dear! Think you might be moaning too much then. You never know what’s happening in other people’s lives, so you can’t judge.
not sure what you expect from these conversations with your friends? Are you expecting them to help you out as well as run their own busy lives?
children are our own responsibility

For me I had THE perfect partner, I married THE perfect man… and when I got pregnant he showed some selfishness… then once child was here it just got harder and harder.
for me life’s been easier since we split.
For me I don’t want another relationship…
obviously when we have children we don’t know these men are going to change, we don’t know they’re making it harder… and generally we stay in these relationships because we still love them, they just make it harder… everyone tells us marriage take work, you have to work through the hard times etc… also my parents have been married for 50+ years… my siblings are all in very long term relationships/marriages… so I didn’t want to be the failure…. But he left and I’m grateful he did

@Iwasafool
I was referring specifically to the idea that negotiating about who does chores in a healthy relationship is inherently harder than just doing everything yourself. Of course being a single parent isn’t “always” harder than the alternative or the only factor which makes things hard. I would never claim that and your situation sounds tough.

But on average I think it is a factor which all other things being equal makes things harder and provably so in that at a demographic level there is a very significant disadvantage afforded to children of single parent families even when adjusting for factors like poverty. I don’t really buy that the mothers of these children are generally finding life easy whilst their children are on average are at this disadvantage.

I just think having a whole mumsnet thread which mostly talks about single parenting being easy / easier for reasons like not having to discuss when your child goes to bed or compromise on what cheese you buy is a bit off. I think it is a result of the OP clearly being unreasonable and if there was a post which said something like “AIBU to think that having a husband who gets home late is just like being a single parent “ the OP would get a very different response. And of course people have their personal experience and no one can refute that but I think there’s a fine line between sharing personal experience and doing a disservice to a group which overall is at a disadvantage.

@Circe7 much as you cannot buy the fact it is a reality that much to their own personal cost there are many mothers who stay in relationships and put an awful lot of work into looking after the DP, making sure the kids don’t annoy DP too much, smoothing things over, trying to encourage DP to bond so the kids feel loved etc, having very little access to family finances and so having to be amazingly resourceful etc or use saving, money from family. When tbh it would be easier for them to just be a single parent, have that break of sending kids to there dads even though they come home upset and he eventually decides to not bother with them so much when he meets someone new etc and all the heartbreak for the kids that entails. No I don’t think mothers should feel obliged to do that in an effort to give their kids those advantages but many do

That is not what everyone is saying at all.

by your reasoning, why have kids? If they’re so tough just don’t have them or give them away.

just because some things are tough for everyone in all different situations doesn’t mean that one single group of people automatically has a harder life than all other people.

I have a severely disabled step daughter & like all other disabled children, she was entitled to overnight respite care.

I don’t claim to know everyone’s situation, but would say that IMO everyone that has a reasonable or positive outlook on life has much better experiences than those who are looking for everything to revolve around how tough their life is. If you believe you have it harder than everyone else then I think that that is an incredibly selfish way to think, it’s not a competition to the bottom but other people need support every now & then even if they are in a different situation to you.

anyway, as said by other posters, you’ve clearly not actually read the thread or are choosing to musinterpret what everyone is saying, so there is no value in discussing this further with you.

I've been in this situation and unfortunately found my married friends very unrelatable and ended up bonding with other single mums. Distinctly remember my friend complaining about how her husband stacked the dishwasher about a week after I'd had to leave the family home at speed with a small baby for safety reasons. You are not being unreasonable IMO.

The OP was the one who said it was always and that is clearly wrong. My kids are grown up so it isn't an issue now but yes I suppose it was tough but it was just how it was. I'm not sure why the OP wants to judge and I'm quite clear that she isn't the judge of how hard it was for me, you or Flossie down the road.

If I'm honest I suppose it is harder now as I'm 70 not 30 and he has the issues of being almost 80 on top of his disability. I hadn't thought of that before, bit depressing if I'm honest. Think I'll go and find something cheerful to read.

Yes like when a friend complained that her DH had cut her DSs hair in a way she didn't like, she was having a lay in and he was up with the kids in the morning (as was their routine every weekend). I hadn't had a lay in for 3 years. Yes there might be stresses related to differences of opinion etc but I think people with (healthy) relationships should count their blessings for the things their partners do! It might seem like bliss if you don't need to negotiate how DSs hair is if you just do it all yourself, but personally I'd rather have the break!!!

As a pregnant parent of a 5 year old, I was asked by a new father "when do they start sleeping through?" I told him, I would let him know. DS still does not sleep through, but now it is his wife's problem😂. I tell new parents that it does get easier - the first 25 years are the worst

LW it sounds like you’ve been a poor friend. Life and struggles isn’t a competition. If you can’t celebrate achievements in your friends lives because your achievements are better would that be ok to you? Most people would see that as unreasonable. This is no different.

How do you respond when a friend raises a challenge in their lives? My bet is you are dismissive at best. Just because your life is hard, doesn’t make theirs all rosy - and they should be able to talk about challenges they face without you one-uping them all the time.

I do believe there’s a time and place for sharing gripes/challenges. I wouldn’t pick the day my friend’s house was flattened by a storm to complain about needing to clear a down tree in my yard. But if major parts of your life become off limits for discussion with a friendship group that doesn’t work.

Be a better friend, or expect your friends to start shifting away from you.

I do think that being a single or couple parent does have different challenges.

But it does, and will get easier as DC becomes more able. The saying, it takes a village to raise a child, is very true. You are obviously getting time to see your friends, play-dates and babysitting circles are 2 ways to ease things - it does not have to be your child's father who collects child from daycare for example. If you talk to them about specific challenges/needs , instead of just moaning, you may collectively sort some easements.

However, I do think that Ex is playing you up! comes to yours to have DD? Well then, go out and leave him to change, feed her and run and empty the washing machine while he is there. When he says he is coming, give him a shopping list to fetch in. Put out some potatoes for him to peel, leave bedding for him to change her cot. Make HIM understand what it means to parent HIS child.

Yep it's astounding.

Yep it's astounding - genuinely shocked by the posts on here!

No one tells people to throw out their partners because they’re disabled

The advice is if you’re married to a selfish, lazy man then don’t feel you have to stay and be his carer just because he’s sick/disabled, just leave him.

And I think that’s right.