AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

I think what you don’t realise when you’ve only been a single parent is that this mythical partner who takes anywhere near 50% of the load off you is as rare as hens teeth as is a partner who does not bring their own work or issues/disagreements over parenting etc. I’m lucky enough to be in a very happy marriage but DH is definitely not this mythical creature and it’s not all roses. Among my friends who don’t even have such a happy marriage , they still wouldn’t consider themselves to be in a bad marriage, abused etc, it’s just normal

Bringing up children is always going to be tough, but if you're with a partner that is actually making your life harder (ie It would be easier without them) I think it's time to evaluate the relationship.

I am in a very happy marriage with a partner who has always done loads of childcare - realistically more than me.

I STILL found it easier being a single parent (5 years) because here are no debates - who is doing bedtime, school runs, how to deal with tricky teens etc.

I am relieved to see so many women echo my experience - that single parenting can be amazing and much easier than when coupled.

Particularly for single parents where the other parent regularly takes the child/ren so you get a sustained and regular period of time to yourself - very few marrieds have that.

I've never been a single parent OP but I can relate a bit as I had an extremely difficult child. Even with DH there. I became very exhausted and bitter. If a friend was complaining about a child being up teething or not eating i honestly felt like ridiculing them as their challenges were just silly and short term compared to what I dealt with every day. But I didn't of course I just nodded along sympathetically. My friend was single and despite all the shit she put up with she had a much more 'plain sailing' experience than me at that time and she knew it. Its all relative. But yes a happy couple with supportive family nearby on good income and with a healthy average baby don't know now lucky they are.

I have four children and a husband so I can't compare having just one child but my husband and I don't stop and in fairness have a lot less than a day's worth of support & free time per week. I wouldn't be annoyed if you told me you have it harder than me but I'd think you were a bit ignorant if I'm honest. No one knows what life's like for others, people find different things difficult/easy, some children's needs are greater than others, financial situations vary. Too many variables to judge but we all do, I have friends who are single parents that have so much time for themselves, their new partners/hobbies etc, it's hard not to think they have it easier x

Ok so being a single parent is sooo much easier, don't need to negotiate with a partner, and get free time when they go to the other parent (if you're lucky), awesome! So why is it still stagmised in our society, and the minority family type?

Surely if it's a much easier way of bringing up children it would also have a great impact on the children as parents less stressed etc, someone needs to tell the govt this so they can start prompting it as a healthier way of life...

Sorry your ex is a shit, it’s disgusting that men can get away with doing so little, but why are you moaning constantly to your friends?

Regardless of who has it worse constant moaning is enough to put anyone off.

Your problems are not more important just because they are yours.

It is bizarre to me that so many people are saying it was so much easier when they didn’t have a DP. Y’all realise this is a choice right?
If life was soooooo much easier/ better as a single parent then I fail to understand why you have decided you want a partner and are now on here saying how much harder it is now you have one?
The majority of single mums do not set out for their lives to work out this way and are playing the cards they have been dealt.
Conversely getting into or staying in a relationship is a conscious choice which you are all making. Actions don’t add up with the words that are being written here about how much harder it is with a partner.

I’m also reading this cringing at all the “life is so much harder with a partner/husband” well become a single parent then if it’s so much better/ easier

No it doesn’t add up at all!

“Parenting in general is exhausting whether you are coupled up or not.”

From upthread.

Thank you!! I’m struggling to understand the logic/ rationale behind all these numerous posts. Quick to say single solo is oh so easy but also seemingly choosing to be in a relationship which apparently sooo much harder! What gives!! 🤷‍♀️

It’s a bit rich isn’t it?! I thought it was just me reading this a bit like ok then if it’s so much harder having a partner why not become a single parent then? But nope they don’t want to because they obviously benefit something from the relationship! All these women obviously chose men to have kids with if life is so much easier in every way raising a kid alone then why don’t use a sperm donor? That’s obviously not a popular choice and generally a last resort for a reason!

You forget many posters have actual experience of being both a single parent and coupled up. Sure some single parents do have it more difficult but definitely isn’t a given. Perhaps in countries with no welfare state then yes, such families do tend to suffer a lot.
Many people do leave relationships when it gets the a certain stage. Some people feel they can’t and some people don’t want to (perhaps they acknowledge the early years of a child’s life are going to be tough in a relationship but it is likely to get better once the children are older) and a lot of people fear what life as a single parent will be like but have actually found it’s much better. There are many reasons why people stay in difficult situations, why do doctors continue the job they do, no one would say that’s easy? Well certainly not if you’ve actually worked alongside them, you wonder why on earth anyone would do such a stressful job

@Scotcheggsontoast
Yes it strikes me as a bit like going onto a thread about poverty (or some other factor which is clearly associated with disadvantage) and someone claiming that poverty is much easier because you don’t need to manage your cleaner or gardener.

You’re not listening and it’s making you come across as op does to her friends…
a relationship being in difficulty is NOT the only reason that a person may have found it easier to be alone than in a relationship as a parent.
it will be interesting for you to come back and read this in the future when you’re in a relationship and read what a total idiot you’re coming across as when you actually realise what we are all saying…
you’re not coming across well…

What you’re not understanding is that people are telling you their experience…I shall repeat myself. Nobody is saying being a single parent is easy. And nobody is saying the challenges are the same and therefore it’s exactly the same issues that become harder when in a couple. People are saying that those of us who have experienced both, found life easier is many ways when we were on our own compared to in a couple. NOT becuase our relationships are struggling and NOT because our partners are dead beats who we need to get rid of, but because contrary to what people like you think, it brings different challenges which makes life harder in different ways. And the stuff that gets easier doesn’t make life all that much easier.
but, you are really coming across as not very nice, you are not understanding that peoples experiences is not something you can argue with. And you are not understanding that what we are talking about has not happened for you yet, it’s in the future. We are talking about when you are used to being on your own and then you become a couple and the challenges that brings.
you are not coming across well, and what is happening here is exactly why ops friends are feeling the way they are. You need to be careful if you express yourself this way in real life too, because your friends will be feeling the same way as ops.

Because I love him 😂🙄 what a ridiculous comment. My university degree was hard, harder than anything else I’ve done before, by your logic it’s a choice and a choice I should have stepped back from.
you realise that finding things difficult doesnt
mean you don’t want to continue. And you’ll actually find that people aren’t moaning on here about how much harder it is. They are showing op and certain other posters, that they’re not actually correct and life isn’t automatically easier with a partner because of things they won’t consider. That’s not the same as moaning that life is hard and we hate it…
I don’t hate it. Sometimes I miss being on my own, and we work around that. But like everything else in life, being in a relationship takes work and I’m willing to do that EVEN THOUGH my life is more difficult IN MANY WAYS (nobody is saying it’s more difficult in the same ways it’s difficult to be on your own) that it was before.
and again, what we are talking about has not happened for you yet. It’s in the future. Those of us saying this have been single parents, some of us for a very long time, and then been in a couple. For me, I’m 6 years further on than you are in that journey. When I was where you are I also thought being in a relationship as a parent would be easier. Now I’ve experienced it I see it’s not easier because there are different challenges.
and actually the fact that op, the orher
posted and you can’t see that is really showing how ignorant you are.
as I said to the other op, your friends will be feeling the same way as op if this is how you speak to them about it. It doesn’t come off well.

And all those that find solo parenting so hard maybe get a relationship then 🤷🏽‍♀️ the same logic applies. If being on your own is so hard and you can’t understand why people in relationships might also find it hard then get a partner and make your life easier…
oh yeah…maybe just maybe that’s not the only reason you’d want a partner 😂😂😂😂 the same as maybe just maybe those of us in a good happy relationship who happen to find it hard being a parent in that relationship have other none parenting related reasons to stay in our relationship. 😂🤦🏽‍♀️

Hardly that easy is it? If I had it my way no I wouldn’t have become a single parent as ex left me not the other way round. It’s not as easy as you seem to think it is to just “get into another relationship” what a stupid comment, the new relationship also wouldn’t be the child’s father so would be nothing the same! Unless you think it’s easy to find a man prepared to take on another man’s children?

It’s also a stupid comment to say leave someone you love and are happy with just because you found a life you had 6 years ago easier in a lot
of ways…that’s the entire point I’m making.

Then obviously he improves your life in some ways otherwise why are you with him? You can’t seriously love someone who makes your life harder and does nothing? 😂 if he is useless and does nothing what do you love about him then? Getting into a new relationship is nowhere near comparable believe it or not there are not loads of men lining up to parent another man’s children and raise them like their own. Not comparable.

And my current relationship is not my eldest child’s father either. I don’t see why that’s relevant to anything. Except that like op you’re stuck in the mantra of my life is so hard, harder than anyone else’s and you can’t see the possibility that actually you will probably look back at this time and see that it was easier in many ways because of certain things and your current life is harder in many ways because of certain things.
which is what people are saying. We are not saying it’s harder in the same ways. It’s not. But it is hard in different ways, and for many of us are experience is that those different ways make a huge difference to how easy our life is and therefore we found things easier when it was just us.
the problem here is that, while those of us making that point have been in both positions and do understand that being a single parent is hard and have acknowledged that. Those of you who are deep in the single parent situation refuse to acknowledge that someone else’s experience is saying something different to what you want to believe. And I get it, I was there too. I’ve given example on here of how my perception changed when I became a couple with a young child. And I was surprised that in the exact same scenario I was still completley
on my own in making the decision and taking action, because like in 99% of couples my partner was at work and unavailable. I truly believed when I had that situation with my eldest that if I’d been in a couple I would have had help. I yearned for it. And then I was in a couple and I realised a lot of the time it makes no difference…because being in a relationship does not mean that magically at every tricky moment two parents are available. In fact a lot
of couples have situations where 1 parent is unavailable for the majority of the day, 11 hours in our situation. Our daughter doesn’t even see him in the mornings, and she sees him for an hour in the evenings. Yes, that’s more than my son got to see his dad at this age, but it doesn’t impact greatly on how easy I find my day. But when I was a single parent I didn’t believe that would be the case. I fully believed parents in couples had support from each other at all hours and another person to take over etc.
but the point is, we are not saying being a single parent is easy. Unfortunately you and others do seem to be saying that being in a couple is easy. And that is why you will find yourself in the position op is in. You’re wrong, and you won’t even entertain the possibility that you’re wrong.

good for you, it happens, but it’s rare. Don’t act like it’s an easy thing and step parent relationship is not the same thing either. Also remember not all of us get days off from our kids to be able to date. Not every single parent gets days off, I’ve never had a day off from my children in 7 years. No time to get into a new relationship! So no that’s not the “solution” to finding it hard. If I was with someone that added 0 to my life and actually made things harder I would be reconsidering why I was actually with him and what I ‘love’ about him!