AIBU to think my life is always harder as a parent in this scenario?

[Hankiesk]

I think maybe I am but… here goes…

I parent our 17 month old alone. Ex pays but sees her as and when. Usually it’s for a day or day and night a week, she never goes to his as he just doesn’t have the right stuff for her there. I feel put upon massively, I am stressed on nursery run, dealing with online food orders, trying to clean around work, I never feel I have a moment to myself.

A good friend who I really trust said recently, very delicately, that when I moaned about these things as if it was only me because of being single, that others in the wider friendship group felt they couldn’t share how hard they find things when I’m around. I was surprised by this as I genuinely believe as a couple life with one child is pretty easy? I never consider anyone in a relationship with a child could find it harder than me, I imagine it being plain sailing. AIBU?!

Also people who say it's harder with a useless DH as they are like another child, that might be true, but is more a 'relationship issue' than a 'childcare issue' in my opinion, they need to evaluate whenever a partner is adding anything positive to their life - and if they aren't they why are they still with them?

I think you're right in that 'childcare' is always going to be easier with more than one person (and not just necessarily talking about directly helping with the childcare, but also doing any other chores etc). But if having that person there also adds relationship issues then it could cancel out the benefit of their help with childcare.

It's a bit like saying it's harder at work with an assistant than without one... Well surely you need to evaluate that and maybe get a new assistant 😂 as dividing up chores / tasks should make lighter work for each person.

Also people who say it's harder with a useless DH as they are like another child, that might be true, but is more a 'relationship issue' than a 'childcare issue' in my opinion, they need to evaluate whenever a partner is adding anything positive to their life - and if they aren't they why are they still with them?

just as simple as that 😂

i have parented as two
i have single parented

in my experience the latter was much easier

And nobody is actually saying that parenting in a couple is the same type of hardness as being a single parent. It is different. But it doesnt mean that it is easy. It is still hard, and in my
experience harder. It is different hard, for sure. It
is not that I cant pop to the shops at 8pm if I need to, but it is that I can’t decide for myself that bedtime is x, or this school is the right school, or this weekend we will do
this or even, this is the cheese we will buy. I can’t just bung on some washing and it’s all done, because there is more washing in the washing basket etc etc.
it is not the same, and it is not the same type of difficult. But it is still difficult. And for many women for different reasons it is more difficult.
i also spent 8 years on my own…I find having someone always there incredibly irritating, we struggle a lot with physical space because I need my own physical space a lot. And you don’t get that when you live with another adult 🙈😂 I also like silence…again you don’t get that when you live with another adult!! Another example of how hard it is, different hard but still very hard.

@Scotcheggsontoast what is your situation?

Maybe you are just complaining all the time and its wearing to be around.

Try talking aboit something else or empathising with others struggles. It is not a competition to see whi had the shittest life. That sounds utterly tedious to listen to

Sounds like you have parented as as two + relationship issues though? If not how can it be harder?

Not initially.

and then later yes

overall i find being a single parent easier than both. why? because no discussion, no different approach to this or that. It is my way. plain and simple.

the key word is I

That's true you don't need to negotiate things and so that element is easier. Although also no one to ask a second opinion of, work things out with too..

Yes more washing to do if there are more people. But while you're doing the more washing maybe the other partner is cooking the dinner or taking the bins out, or doing bedtime?

I think if it's harder with two parents that must be because there are relationship issues on top.

Had a useless DH and chucked him out. Yes things felt a lot easier once he was gone (especially initially), but I also realised all the little things he did do that I took for granted. He also had MH and alcohol issues and didn't work though so that's the main thing that was adding the stress rather than the bickering over what time bedtime should be / what the child should eat for dinner.

But I’m living it and have lived the other life and am telling you you’re wrong. Our relationship is fine, we have a very good relationship, he pulls his weight and he is a good dad and a good partner in life. It was still easier being on my own for the various reasons I’ve listed.
i have no relationship issues, and I do not have a partner who does nothing around the house, even though he is out at work for 11 hours per day. And still, my life was vastly easier when it was just me. The same as when he goes away for work, everything is easier. Literally every single thing.

My life became substantially easier after I left exH to be a single parent.

Do the positive things he adds to your life outweigh the added difficulties of having him in it?

That’s irrelevant. The post is not about can we see the positive in our situations. The post is about is it easier as a single parent or as a couple. Positivity in a life doesn’t make it easy. I haven’t broken up with him because I want to be with him, even though it is harder in many ways. I found life infinitely easier on my own but I still want to be with him. That’s why in these situations, when faced with friends moaning about their own lives I wouldn’t say, well actually it’s harder in a couple. Exactly as ops friends are finding they can’t speak to her. The point is, people choose to be in couples for many reasons, that doesn’t mean it’s an easier option. For me, it is not the easier option, it is the more difficult option. Every single thing is harder, organisation, negotiation, parenting, alone time, discussions, finances. Literally everything. No that’s not all lessened because he runs the hoover round 😂 but even if it was, it doesn’t detract from the fact that having a second adult around doesn’t automatically make life easier for a lot of people.
and as for the second opinion thing you’ve said, I gave an example above of where as a single parent I truly believed people in couples had that support, and then I was in a similar situation and still had to decide on my own because like many many many fathers in a couple situation, he was at work when that situation happened and so I still had to make a decision on my own about what to do, while also making a decision on what to do with my 8 year old. Because being in a couple doesn’t magically mean there are always two parents available.

Autonomy in all those things I listed is something you’re taking for granted. I did too. I didn’t realise how amazing it was to spend money because I knew all the ins and outs and knew what was spare. I didn’t realise how amazing it was to say yeah stay up late tonight without then having to explain that choice to someone. I didn’t realise how amazing it was to make toast for dinner for myself because I couldn’t be bothered to cook and there was no one else to think about. I didn’t realise how amazing it was to be able to go for a meal out with my child and have it be cheap because I’m only paying for 1 adult meal and 1 kids meal. I didn’t realise how amazing it was to be able to make decisions for me and my child without having to consider a single other thing or person in those decisions, such as my family love 300 miles away. I can’t now just up and go and see them…because it’s not just my time, it’s not just my kids, it’s not just my money. Instead, there has to be a discussion, a plan, a check on does he have holidays to take, does he want to come, can we afford the petrol, is he ok with me going without him and taking the kids.
none of these things are because we have a bad relationship, or he doesn’t pull his weight or I view him as another child. This is all just purely because he is another adult in our family that I HAVE to consider at all times. I didn’t have that before. And that made it easier. Everything. Easier.

I get you on this, even though I'm happily married!

I had a holiday alone and my word, it was beautiful. Simply leaving the house without worrying about ANYONE'S needs or desires or capacities was blissful.

We've got a baby now, and every so often I (unfairly) think "this would be easier without you". Which is untrue - he does so very much. But at the end of the day, he's another person with needs and views to incorporate alongside a baby.

I'll give you another viewpoint, from a couple.

I have a young DD. In the last few years I have battled a very aggressive cancer, resulting in long hospital admissions and being in an induced coma.
Due to all my surgeries and chemo I have 2 chronic life threading heart conditions.
I still manage to work nearly full time, as does my husband. But when I'm in hospital / sick, he is pretty much a single parent.

When I'm home we share the load, none of us are default parents.

But us as a couple are also at the moment trying to work through his infidelity, my current health conditions, finances and much much more.

If I was a single parent I'd be entitled to much (MUCH) more financial help. We don't get anything due to earning too much, despite finances being extremely tight.

I haven't even scratched the surface, and I don't need to, it's not a race to the bottom. But you are incredibly naive to think that single parents will ALWAYS have it worse off, or 'what could be worse when you're a single parent.'

Not saying it's tough for you, but there are a multitude of things that make things hard. Not just solo parenting.

That's true! I do really enjoy having that autonomy.

But also think it could be a case of it being 'easier' like at work you might say it's easier just to do everything myself, whereas actually if you can delegate well, and to a trusted team, it is easier to share the load.

It would probably be 'easier' to not have any friends either as you don't need to remember birthdays, listen to their problems, arrange meet ups, but doesn't mean it's preferable or in the long run more enjoyable.

Also when people have two weeks on their own with kids and they think they know what it's like! And decide it's easier. The grind of doing EVERYTHING on your own for YEARS is what makes it harder.

I think it's always

• best is supportive and caring relationship
• 2nd best is single (especially if family and friends offer you help as they know you're single)
• worst is being in horrible upsetting stressful relationship.

I can't stand it when people say 'he works so much I'm practically a single mum' it's not comparable

I can't stand it when people say 'he works so much I'm practically a single mum' it's not comparable

I did find it more stressful having a workaholic husband / co parent than being a single parent

Have to say this sort of attitude really pisses me off,
I have a friend, who like you always moaned about ‘how hard it was for her’ .. how I didn’t understand because I had a husband … I pointed out that he was rarely home as he worked away and I did everything alone…. (She has the support of various family)..
she went as far as only holidaying with other single mums, ‘because they understood’…
Im now also single and have to say I find it MUCH easier! I can simply please myself and my child without having to consider a man’s wants, I’m not constantly trying to keep 2 ppl happy… It’s hard work having child(ren) plus a sulky man child.

Maybe she didn't realise your relationship was in difficulty (sulky man child etc), I think most people would agree it's easier on your own than with bad relationship.

Maybe she didn't realise your relationship was in difficulty (sulky man child etc), I think most people would agree it's easier on your own than with bad relationship.

I'm married and my husband does about 10% of childcare, school runs, club taxis etc. I work full time from home in a senior role. It's really hard and exhausting. Parenting in general is exhausting whether you are coupled up or not.