10 year old won’t stop crying

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old won’t stop crying because I’m going away for a few days. It’s gotten to a point now where I’m just annoyed by it and struggling to muster sympathy.

Any idea on how to calm this sort of anxiety? She’s been crying for a week and I leave next week for 3 days. She will be here with her dad and brother.

This would drive me nuts.

My DD1 could be like this at same age - at time I assumed it was being stoked by wider family often disapproving of me doing anything - but she now going through diagnosis process for ASD/ADHD - so do wonder if was something else.

It's possible OP she picked up on some underlying stress/concerns - children can be like weather vanes picking up current they don't understand.

I do understand the annoyance generally let alone before a hospital stay and treatments.

I'd go for a very matter of fact approach - calm firm this is what is happening maybe mark on calendar days so there's a visual reminder and try and ride it out. I think as it is frustrating you I'd be asking her Dad to step in a bit more if possible in meantime.

It is hard though with DS he needed lot of run up and reminders and would be fine - sudden changes would upset him but DD1 it would give her more time to be difficult and get upset. Once I'd gone and come back she'd be fine and would have been fine all time I was away - just stressed before hand which made it all harder on me.

Is she afraid of her dad?

I had awful anxiety as a kid. Things that would help me is knowing the plan, mum is leaving at 10am we are then doing x,y,z. Mum is back at x time ( I would say later than you expect to build in any delays)

Then have agreed timings for a call if possible and have a teddy she can cuddle or give her one of your T-shirts that smells like you. Draw a heart on your wrist and hers (they are linked) so when she presses it you know she’s thinking of you.

I know it’s hard for her and yourself and must get annoying but you are doing the right thing not showing your annoyance.

I was thinking about this. I would be cautious and ask my daughter if she is afraid and why instead of just thinking " she is clingy" as OP said

Only on mumsnet could you say your child is anxious about you being away and be told that she's probably getting abused by her father or brother or that she has undiagnosed special needs or a chronic condition 🙄

I would ignore it, you don't need to be sympathetic, she needs distractions. In the future this has told you it's better to tell her the night before rather than creating a long time period where it builds up in her head. Sympathy just reinforces the idea that it's an awful thing and she should be worried about it, which isn't true. Subconsciously it's also a reason for her to physically reach out to you and get your attention now - in her head she probably thinks if she's upset enough it will stop you going.

Have her dad talk about the fun things they're going to do together when she does bring it up in a negative way e.g. one fun thing that she can look forward to and one "surprise" thing that will distract her by her wondering what it is.

Some children (and adults!) really struggle with big routine change and it can prompt terrible anxiety.
Children, especially, can struggle to articulate what exactly is making them feel anxious or what they are worrying about.
I'm sure you've already done it, but it's always worth having a calm chat with her to see if she can try to explain what she's worried will happen when you're away and why it makes her so sad.
It's probably also worth trying to make sure everything else in her routine stays as similar as possible while you're away. Reassure her that school will be the same (assuming she doesn't mind school), her favourite activities will be the same, the house is the same, her dad and brother will be the same. The only difference is you'll be away but her dad will be there to look after her and care for her and you'll be at the other end of the phone if she wants to chat in the evening.
Depending on how mature she is, you could also has a frank chat and say that part of growing up is sometimes having to do things that make us feel a bit worried. Acknowledge it's normal to feel worried because you being away is different for her but crying for days on end won't help - sometimes we all have to put a brave face on and get on with things when we're feeling worried. That's the difference between little children and bigger children.
You could also give her something to look forward to - either while you're away or once you're back. That way, she has something positive to focus on, not just the negative of you being away.
Regardless, some children are just very anxious about things (or generally).
It's okay for her to feel worried and it's not especially unusual for kids to get fixated on something and cry a lot.
But if worries are getting in the way of normal life then it might be wise to think about getting some longer-term help for her via your GP.

I think you need to tell her about the op, and tell her what she can do to help, including keeping calm.
She's 10 not 5.

@Flatulence sensible response. Not sure what some contributors were on yesterday... some bizarre responses

Only on mumsnet could you say your child is anxious about you being away and be told that she's probably getting abused by her father or brother or that she has undiagnosed special needs or a chronic condition 🙄

This place is a new level of bonkers sometimes.

I remember a midwife telling me when I had my first child that they know how to yank your chains from day one. I'm not sure about a little baby but a 10 year old? She will be going to secondary school soon. Is she going to cry about that too? Maybe you have been guilty of babying her too much? Tell her what is going on.

Oh come on @Mimikyuu

At 10, she's old enough to know about an operation. She's not a baby.

You're protecting her and just condoning the 'snowflake' behaviour.
It's not going to help her.
She will probably guess it's not 'just work' and know everyone is lying.

Is it good to lie?

No.

You should explain simply what's going on (she may even need surgery herself one day.)

Give her some 'responsibility' to help her grow up while you're away- some cooking, or helping out in the house.

Treat her like a 'big girl' not a baby.

And arrange for some phone calls as and when your op allows.

Take it from a child whose parents hid health stuff from them and who now has crippling anxiety as a result (because I always assume that everyone is secretly dying but is lying to me about it), trying to keep the surgery under wraps is only likely to make this worse in the long run.

You've told her you're away for work when actually you're having surgery (obviously you haven't provided details of what for, which is absolutely fine, but let's assume it carries at least some risk of complications as most surgeries do). She has reason to feel some anxiety about what's happening and I wouldn't be surprised if she's picked up on this, even subliminally. For my money you'd be better off being honest about what's happening and helping her to understand and to develop techniques to manage her anxiety, rather than ignoring her feelings and pretending she should have no reason to be concerned.

I know the reason is likely that my husband is a bit stricter than I am and makes her keep on top of her room etc where as I’m a little more lax. That’s why she doesn’t like it when I’m not around.

So- you talk to her dad and ask him to be a bit more relaxed while you're away.

On the other hand maybe you indulge her too much and she's growing up a bit precious?

I agree with @tealweasel

Kids are more switched on than you think. I'm sure she knows there is a secret and that's why she's anxious.

Unless going away for work is the norm for you, you're on a hiding to nothing.
She knows it's a lie.

I find it hard to believe you are hiding an operation from a child of 10.
Soon she'll have to cope with her own bodily changes at puberty so hiding health issues and your op is plain daft.

It's not helping her mature or build any resilience.

Why should she stay at home? Don't be ridiculous, parents need to go away and this might be work related anyway. She's leaving her DD with her DF and DB. She'll be fine! Children need to know that parents leave and come back and they need to know that they can't control the actions of others around them, particularly responsible adults, through crying etc. It works be unhealthy for the OP not to go unless there are some significant extenuating circumstances she hasn't mentioned.

So you can A: take her with you, B: ask a friend or a relative she's comfortable with if she can stay or C: you just don't go.

or D, you reassure her that you’re going because you have to, that she will be fine and that unless something else is going on that she’s not telling you, that she’s overreacting and she’ll be fine, and you GO.

Assuming no other mitigating factors, we have to teach our children to be resilient

this is akin to manipulation and needs to be nipped in the bud tbh. Imagine how the DH is feeling? Rejected I’d expect.

Some very mean responses here..and you sound pretty unsympathetic too op.

I actually think this is a bit worrying. My dd is very close to me and I know would miss me if I went away but she wouldn't be in this sort of state and crying a lot.

I also don't understand why you have lied to her and said you're going away for work. She's old enough to understand you need to go to hospital

Give over!! Issue with husband or son isn't the only reason children might want to stay somewhere else when their Mum is away!! If you'd have asked me this at the same age I'd have MUCH preferred to stay with my Auntie or Grandparents. Staying with Dad and Brother meant same house, parent rules, being outnumbered by 'smelly boys', whereas time at Grandparents would have meant getting to stay in my 'other bedroom' at their house, later bedtimes, Grandparent rules, being spoiled and being the only one there to get attention lavished on.

I think she’s needs a non alarming explanation as to why you are going .

At the mo she thinks you are going because you want to rather than have too

I can't believe the people telling the OP to just stay at home!!! Yes that'll definitely help the next time mum has to go away. Jesus it beggars belief that some people would pander to a 10 year old child and let them be in charge of what the adults in the household do. And we wonder why we are raising a generation of kids who don't obey rule or listen to authority.

I would sit down with her, explain to her why you're going away (obviously in 10 year old language so as not to scare her), tell her she'll be absolutely fine with her dad and brother(s) and that you'll do something nice when you get back.

When one of us goes away, the other parent usually does something fun and special with the kids. Nothing spectacular, just stay up late with popcorn and watch a film or go out for ice-cream or go to explore a different park/pool from the ones we normally go to.

It takes the focus away from 'time without Mummy' and puts it on 'special time with Daddy' (or the other way round). Our more sensitive child does still usually get tearful, especially at bedtime, but she sees the positives too.

@Mimikyuu you may not have discussed it around her but she is 10 and not stupid, she recognises and is picking up on someth8ng going on and it is causing her anxiety. The link between the c section that did and the work and going out that didn’t is the anxiety one suspects in you and your husband and the uncertainty.

they can instinctively pick up on lies even if they aren’t aware of it and the stress/anxiety cues in you. My child prone to anxiety finds me being anxious one of his worst triggers and also needs me to tell him the truth and trust him.

if you don’t tell her now what is happening and she finds out (as she invariably will) that you lied it is going to make it worse.

and yes she was anxious about the c section so that meant you decided not to tell her - but has that worked out for you. Maybe the link isn’t the surgery but your anxiety and the fact that she is clearly aware she is left out.

as for pandering surely lying about thr reason is pandering far more than telling the truth

“Just stay at home and miss your surgery. Put your daughter first.”

: Mumsnet.