10 year old won’t stop crying

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old won’t stop crying because I’m going away for a few days. It’s gotten to a point now where I’m just annoyed by it and struggling to muster sympathy.

Any idea on how to calm this sort of anxiety? She’s been crying for a week and I leave next week for 3 days. She will be here with her dad and brother.

This.

I’ve posted about my experience before but I remember the intense and terrifying anxiety I had aged 8/9 whenever my parents went out. I realised later as an adult that it was because I thought I would have to live with my grandparents if anything happened to my parents. My grandmother never liked me and always openly showed preference for my older brother. The feelings were just so awful; I couldn’t control them, I still remember the terror now and the intense anxiety and panic. Please be patient with your daughter because showing frustration is likely to make it worse.

It sounds to me as if she's overheard or guessed something about the surgery and is scared to ask about it.

I don't know if this will help but I was advised by a psychologist that children with separation anxiety need to be reassured that you will keep them in mind so get a photo of the child to take with you. Also give something of yours for them to keep safe for you for when you get home. Good luck

It really depends on the nature of the surgery - dh had a hernia op we just told the kids he needed a little operation to fix his belly showed them the hernia etc.

If however there it was an uncertain outcome maybe they were looking into cancer possibility or maybe it wasnt certain if more would be needed yet i dont think we would have told the kids at that time.

it is almost certainly the case that your dd has picked up that more is going on so depending on the operation it may be time to have a more adult conversation with her.

I’d have lost my shit and told her to get a grip long ago OP. Hope the surgery goes well x

Not that I particularly think that’s the best course of action, but equally nor is pandering to her or indulging her. She’s 10, not a toddler

I've done a fair bit of travel for work over the years, mostly fine with kids but sometimes they went through a phase where they worried about it -with my daughter when she got upset i'd tell her to go find me a lovely picture of her to put in my bag, so i could see her face last thing at night , this seems to reassure her, and she would have a photo of me, or go colour me a picture for my handbag- just gave her tasks to do when she was getting anxious, the photos seemed to really help her , she was younger though so i think part of anxiety was i'd forget her, and she also made her grandparents travel with her photo in their case. As she got a bit older i'm afraid the solution was bribery when she got upset i turned conversation to what she wanted me to bring her home

This is such a good idea. My five year old actually fetched a framed picture of herself and put it in my suitcase, "so I could remember her". She seemed to find it comforting and I loved having her pic in my hotel room! :-)

i've travelled a lot for work and my kids didn't like that. I now have a calendar up on the fridge and I clearly mark the days I'll be away. even from age 5, they could see the calendar and count that it was 3 sleeps until mum goes away, or 4 sleeps until she comes back. Having a timetable and confidence that the adults will stick to the timetable definitely helped them.

I'd do lots of reassurance but ignore the crying and moaning.

can you get a library book about a child whose parent goes away and comes back? even ones for younger kids.

there is a very funny one called "Fortunately the milk" which is for 10yr olds where the mum goes away to the conference at the Dad does all sorts of silly things.

Daughter has obvious separation anxiety - mumsnet poster's: Dad and brother are obviously perverts who SA the girl 🤨

What a god damn reach

I understand OP, my 9 year old son is the same. He has autism and really doesn't like change.

Hope the surgery goes well

I think I would be firm with her rather than placatory.

And this is a sign that you need to make her more resilient by having time away from her more often, e.g. a weekend with friends.

My mum went away for a month once when I was 8. We were absolutely fine with dad and siblings.

Oh good lord. Hope you’re ok now?

I was like this as a child, even though my mum worked full time. I think her ignoring it was the worst thing! The older I got, the more we’d talk about my separation anxiety and she’d be calm and reassuring. We’d agree when we’d speak on the phone etc and I always felt much better. Hope she feels better soon OP and good luck for your surgery xx

My daughter is the same. But she’s had therapy for it and we know why now. She’s terrified I’m going to die….. I’ve had lots of medical emergencies and she thinks she’s has to stay with me otherwise I’m going to die.

however it’s a long process. Just to this point alone has been 2 years and sadly it’s something that will take years to overcome.

I tend to not go away. I want my child to feel completely safe and know that I won’t leave her unless I have too. I know it won’t go on forever and whilst it’s hard because sometimes me and my husband would like to go away etc….I just have to agree or for us that one day it will change. I chose to have children so I chose to accept what happens happens.

I guess she just loves you and cares about you - and wants to know why you are not there - perhaps might be better to tell her than you have to have some treatment done but not go into detail as you say it would freak her out even more you dont have say you are having surgery - at ten I guess she is old enough to understand, rather than telling her you are working.
If you say you are working then she probably thinks if I kick off enough mum will back down and stay home - if you tell her it is important and you have to have some medical treatment and that you have not option but to go yourself but you don't want to go. Then leave it to dad to reassure her while you are away.

I’m afraid this would also annoy me. In your situation, I’d be secretly looking forward to a break from her!

Well she needs to learn that if mum is going for

Work
A jolly
Surgery

It's irrelevant, it doesn't have to be a necessity to go away, OP can go because she wants to!

I think saying I "have" too, because it's surgery, is giving the wrong message.

@TooOldForThisNonsense I’m afraid I am inclined to agree. I can’t stand crybabies. Although if a kid is genuinely upset we discuss it but a week of sniveling over (what she believes is) a work trip for 3 days is intolerable.

I know the reason is likely that my husband is a bit stricter than I am and makes her keep on top of her room etc where as I’m a little more lax. That’s why she doesn’t like it when I’m not around.

Wow!

It's only for a few days!

That's one hell of an overreaction if it is the reason.

Insane isn’t it!

Ugh that would make me have even less sympathy for her, no wonder you're irritated.

I think this is a sign that you and DH need to be aligned on approach with her.

If he asks her to tidy her room or vice versa you should back eachother up.

Absolutely!! Some of the posters on here are fucking nasty pieces of work. Makes by blood boil, grim.

If you go out regularly and you work full time and she is fine then and isn’t now then the likelihood is that she is aware that something is right and reacting to it - that is why the truth is so important.

you don’t pander or indulge anxiety and you certainly don’t tell someone with it to get a grip either. It is clear that some have never dealt with anxiety either themselves or someone else.

that is why telling the truth and been clear is important, setting out what is going to happen and keeping her in the loop

You misread what I wrote there -
I said that she DIDNT have to say it was surgery ( op said if she told her it was surgery it would freak her out more )